Step mum or 2nd mum

[PenguinDi]

What do you go by?

Personally I hate the name step mother, I prefer 2nd mum.

My boys refer to their step mum as 'Aunty xxxxx' - I think it was once suggested to them that they could call her Mum, but they didn't take to it, and it's not been pushed further. She is now a Mum in her own right too, so they have a half brother, but they still call her Aunty... I suspect as they get older the Aunty bit may drop. When we sent her some flowers for Mother's Day last year we did say Happy Mother's Day but didn't call her Mum.

My step son just calls me my name, but I suppose if I had a title it would be step mum.

All you posters saying you're not their mum and being nasty with your comments like 'I didn't carry my kids for 9 months for them to call someone else mum' - that's fair enough but you don't know everyone's individual circumstances.

There are plenty of step parents who do a shit lot more for their step kids than their actual parents do. Myself included.

I wouldn't want my ss to call me mum, because I'm not his mum. Had he been smaller when I'd met him maybe he would have. I'm certainly a bigger part of his life than his mother is.

All this 'I'm their real mum I don't want them calling anyone else mum' is fine, if you actually act like a mum, care for them like a mum etc, it's not fine if actually someone else does 99% of your mum role and you see them when you can be arsed, or not at all.

More common for dads to not be that involved, but does happen with mums too let me tell you.

My DC call my DH by his name and their dad's DW by her name. My DSS calls me by my name. All of them would probably refer to their step parent as step mum/dad in the right situation and everyone seems fine with a generic mum/dad being used i.e. by someone who assumes the relationship. I wouldn't exactly relish my DC calling their step mum "mum" but I can see how it could happen

user -there is not universal hatred of second wives and step mums, circumstances dictate alot of views but such a blanket statement is wrong.

OW/OM - I think you would be inhuman, not to struggle with dealing with that person. However long the relationship lasts. Usually the new couple run off to utopia the kids get treated appalingly by the departing parent. OW/OM do not want a reminder of the past - if it lasts ( odds are stacked!) then 10yrs down the line if it survives, the injured party still has to suck up the insult every day and agree isn't lovely that it has all settled down! Come on most of us have feelings!
Never ever will SM be Mum, second mum , SF be Dad or second Dad - sorry line drawn.

Second wives after split and nice to step kids - no issue. Do not stop contact, make it difficult and treat kids as equals - utopia. It does exist but is hard work on all sides - seen it and admire those that manage it.

Bitch SMs like Notjuliaroberts to name one on here - complete contempt. Their dcs are better, behaved, eat better, wash better, smell better, play better, nicer, do not want SCs in the house dread them coming hide away, do not take on holiday, organise holidays so they are not included, resent monies being spent on them, no space etc

Those who muddle along and get it right some of the time and mess up occasionally - no problem. Sometimes we all need to take a step back and see the bigger picture.

Interestingly - I have gone from 1 and 3 - in the same person - relationship failed. To in the last 6 months Ex has a new girlfriend - who is lovely - combination of 2 and 4 - kids happier. That is all that matters!

My daughter calls her dads partner by her name. She is not a mother and thankfully isn't crazy enough to try to appropriate someone else's kid. If someone tried to call themselves my kids mother, there would be hell to pay. Partners or spouses of parents are only a part of those kids lives for the length of the relationship. Parents are for life. It's horrible to mess up a kids mindset to make them think that there can ever be a temporary parent or that being in a relationship with a parent makes you one.

I'd never ask my two step-daughters to call me dad - it would be purely for my benefit and confusing for them, and their father would probably find it very painful.

However, we refer to ourselves as a family and seeing how much the girls love that is just the best feeling.

My niece is actually my brother's step-daughter, he arrived on the scene when she was 2. She never called him dad. He never pushed her to think of him in any way other than she was comfortable with. Then when she was 17 she took him aside one day to tell him he'd been the perfect 'father,' even though she'd never call him that.

My DSD calls me mum... arrangement was meant to be 50/50 split but with what her and DH work I actually have her about 75% of the time she's not at school. In no way does my relationship with her undermine that with her mothers, they are completely separate. Me and BM get on great however obviously she doesn't like this but DSD would get very upset when she'd get asked to call me by name. I explained to BM that as we have other children that call me mum and she spends such a large amount of time her that the decision is hers to make and I will not tell her she cannot be the only child here that doesn't call me mum but equally if she calls me by name that's ok too!!

I call my step Mum "Mum" because she's my Mum in every sense of the word and my actual Mum is fucking unhinged.

My DC call ExDPs DP by her first name.

Speaking as a mum - 2nd mum is totally inappropriate. Speaking as a stepmum - If you don't like stepmum then ask to be referred to by your name and be introduced to their friends as Dads wife. That's who you are.

I have 2 SD who have always told me they like it when strangers think I am their mum.

The little one has often asked me gently about calling me mummy and I have always told her kindly that she only has one mummy and can call me my name.

I have 2 Ds with obviously call me mummy.

This week she has again told me that she wants to call me mummy but is worried it isn't right... I said that perhaps we could think of a nice nickname ( as I want them to feel as much part of the family as her stepbrother and "half" brother, but I don't want to upset her mum on that front even though she's an idiot and I spend a lot of time picking up with pieces
Anyway - her sister pipes up with "we could call you mummy two". I managed to swerve it and they are still calling me by my name but I can see the longing in their eyes, their very affectionate to me and I'm very warm with them. It's so hard cause I want to treat them the same as "my" kids but keep having to bat it away on the name front. I think "smum" is cute but am Mindful of how hurt their real mum might be.... but then shouldn't we be putting the kids first

I raised my step-daughter from three months old because her birth mother left my dh for another man, had the baby, then abandoned her with dh's mum in India to travel.

It was me who Took lactation meds for her and had to stop because I kept getting horrific infections. I was there for all her milestones, raised her, adopted her, I tell her off but I also dote on her and protect her - she is my daughter, and so she calls me mum. She calls her birth mother by her name.

Her birth mother who is now married with other kids and gets monthly access under my supervision, doesn't like it but nobody gives a shit about what she may want or not want. Dsd doesn't view her as family but we're encouraging contact in case she wants to get to know her when she's older.

I am called by my first name by my ss. He does refer to me as his step mum to his friends when they ask who I am. However, both ss have been told to call their mums new husband step dad. Even before they were married she pushed this. Both ss took the decision to call him by his first name. Their mum would have flipped if they referred to me as step mum.

howtodowills in your situation I'd let them call me Mum. It's what they need. I would say to them though, that it's kinder to their mum to refer to me as MyName, if they mention me at all.

My step kids call me my name. My kids call DP by his name.

Youngest Dd (3) though has known DP since she was 18 months (I split with her abusive dad when she was a baby). She conceptualises DP as her "different daddy". She doesn't call him that but in her chatter about her friend it became clear she thinks she must live in a house with her "different daddy" and go and visit her daddy...

I think the key is that the children feel they have the choice about what they call us.

My birth father is not on the scene. My stepdad raised me and was amazing. (He has sadly passed away now.) I do and always have called him by a nickname of his first name when talking to him, but refer to him as my dad, because to me he was, and I miss him every day.

I have had a relationship with DP' s children for years. They call me by my name. As we are not married I am not officially step mum but when talking to other people I refer to them as my step children (adults now). Recently one of them had an emergency hospital admission. When nurse was asking who we were DSS mum said I was his step mum then asked me if I minded being referred to as step mum! I was quite touched.

You call them step children, not second children.

Call them their 'name' and they can call you your 'name'

I know my partner's son calls his mum's partner (they're not married) stepdad and his son step brother, not sure if he calls me stepmum to other people. I wouldn't personally choose to label myself as a stepmum, but every person and situation is different.

My partner's son has a nickname for me that he uses. He couldn't say my first name when he first met me, and this was his way of trying to saying it. He knows my actual name now, but he thinks his nickname for me is like 'mum' or 'dad' or 'grandma', and that that's just what I'm called. We did tell him that if he'd like to call me by my name he's welcome to, but he prefers to use the nickname.

In our circumstances it was agreed that we'd use a nickname. My dss kept calling me mummy and ultimately I didn't want him to (he has a mum) but I could see that he wanted more than just calling me by my name. We came up with a nickname - His mum didn't like that either, but it's stuck and He's really happy now, and that all that matters.

I would absolutely hate if my ex's new partner wanted to be called 2nd mum, and the same if she insisted on calling me birth mum.

I'm in the picture, I have my kids much more than she does and I am not happy at being usurped by language and having my role and position in my kids lives minimised.

I call my stepmum "mum". I think the whole MN line re: boundaries/kids have a mother/it's disrespectful is all about the parents feelings and needs. Kids can have two mums and love them both. In my case, my mum is dead but I still love her to bits and miss her loads. I just also have my lovely step mum who has been there for me instead. And nothing about my relationship with my step mum takes away from my feelings for my real mum.

Love isn't a finite resource.

Notreallymetoday

What a lovely post

Aw...thank you.

notreally sorry for your loss but lovely post.

I think if it comes up again I will tell the SDs they can call me whatever they would like