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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What to do about the differences dc and dss get at xmas

94 replies

DHarrington · 05/12/2016 20:47

Hello everybody I'm relatively new and have been lurking the many posts regarding xmas with a blended family and feel as though I can relate especially this year.

Me and dh love giving all the children presents and we usually spend around £600-800 on each on each of the 4 children. We currently don't balance things out regarding grandparents or other family members as we believe it is up to them to give how they want to.

However the past couple of years it has become a problem, my father is quite wealthy and often buys many presents for my dc and gives nothing to dss. This means my children get a lot more spent on them. My father usually gives his grandchildren (I'm only child) around £500 each. The eldest two get cash and youngest many presents. This means a after xmas shopping trip for the eldest and family day out with dss not being able to buy anything. Dss who is same age as my eldest lives with us full time and doesn't get anything from his mums family or mum as she doesn't have the money.

I don't know what to do me and dh already spend a lot at xmas on all kids. But I don't think it is right to ask my father to give all children money. My dad has met dss on many occasions I've never seen them speak but my dad doesn't like him and I think dss doesn't like my dad. He is a very jokey type of person and he says in private to me that dss is a miserable person, which I don't think is fair.

Me and dh are also struggling to decide what to buy dss cause he keeps saying he doesn't want anything. I mean I have brought stocking fillers and few small presents, but he won't keeps saying he doesn't want anything. I don't know why this is and I don't know if it is a backlash against me or not.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

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EssentialHummus · 05/12/2016 20:52

My first thought is that DSS should get some money from you so he can join in with the shopping.

longdiling · 05/12/2016 20:57

How old are your oldest kids? That is an insane amount of money for them to have in their pockets. If they are young enough, could you just split the £1k 3 ways? Or give each child £50 each and put the rest in a savings account for your two so the inequality is less obvious? You don't really drag your poor dss out on a family shopping day so he can watch them splash the cash do you?!

longdiling · 05/12/2016 20:59

Other thing I would do is siphon some off your own shopping budget for dss - easy enough to do with the amount of money you spend

insan1tyscartching · 05/12/2016 21:05

Your Dad doesn't sound a very nice person tbh and seems to be deliberately marginalising your dss by labelling him miserable. openly not liking him and not acknowledging him as part of your family. I think you need to speak to him about this and if your father cannot at least behave kindly towards dss and treat him as part of the family then I think you should adapt your budget to make up for your father's shortcomings.
£600 to £800 is a huge amount to spend on each child and then your children get £500 more each Give all four £500 pounds and give dss the £500 to spend like his half siblings. Christmas must be really hurtful for dss no wonder he isn't enthusiastic it's a slap in the face that he isn't as worthy and probably he's missing his dm too.

Original poster

DHarrington · 05/12/2016 21:08

But ds would know if I took it out of his money as they get cash from grandad.

My children are ds 17, ds 16, dd 6 and dss just turned 17.

I don't drag dss out of shopping he has the choice.

OP posts:

longdiling · 05/12/2016 21:11

How long have you been together? This does sound horrible for your poor dss. I can't imagine my mum treating her step kids that way, they're all treated equally.

What kind of relationship do your sons have with dss? Would they willingly give up some cash? It's such an insane amount of money, it's not like they need that much

Somerville · 05/12/2016 21:13

Rather than spending £800 on each of the 4 children, spend £650. Which will give you about £500 to play with. This will be cash for your SS for him to spend alongside your other children on the shopping spree.

Honestly, when you have plenty of money sloshing around for Christmas, this only needs to be as hard as you and your DH want to make it. For those on tiny budgets it would be much harder to make it fair and they sometimes need to resort to asking relatives to buy for all the children or none. But you don't.

Warl · 05/12/2016 21:16

This is such an awkward one.. my cousin has 2 biological & 2 step children and my gran only buys for 'her grandchildren' whilst personally I think it's unfair on the step kids I do kind of understand her take on it. The past couple of years I think she did buy a 'token' gift for the step kids so it wasn't too noticeable but obviously that isn't going to work in your situation so really I've been no use whatsoever..... sorry

Girlwithnotattoos · 05/12/2016 21:18

Agree with the other posters who say that your DSS is getting a raw deal, I can't believe that your DH is happy about his son being treated so differently to the others.

NerrSnerr · 05/12/2016 21:20

I would spend a bit less on presents and give your step son money to go shopping with again. They are getting a huge amount anyway.

Original poster

DHarrington · 05/12/2016 21:23

But this worries me because what if it becomes noticeable from my other children. I like buying all my children gifts.

They don't spend all the money I make them put £200 away in the bank.

OP posts:

Artandco · 05/12/2016 21:29

£650 is still a huge amount

TBH I would have told your father years ago, and would tell him now, that all the children get the same amount or all get nothing from him

stitchglitched · 05/12/2016 21:29

You are worried that your children will notice that all the children of the family are being treated the same? That's a good thing surely? I'm surprised your DH tolerates your Dad's attitude to his son.

Pooka · 05/12/2016 21:30

If each of the 4 children gets £650 or equivalent in presents, surely your DC would not resent you saying "we are giving dss the same amount you got from GP" so you can all spend the same amount".

It's an enormous amount of money really. But horses for courses and at least this way all 4 DC have the same amount of money given to them or spent on them, which is fair.

LurkingQuietly · 05/12/2016 21:30

Your last message shows you don't really want help resolving this situation. Your children will notice (and presumably by this I guess you mean mind) you "only" spending £650 on them, not £800. If you don't want to speak to your DF about his behaviour, then you deal with it yourself. £800 presents plus £500 cash plus god knows what else EACH and not an ounce of compassion for your DSS.

Original poster

DHarrington · 05/12/2016 21:31

My dad spoke to me in private I never told dh what he said.

Dh thinks that it's up to him who he gives to and we should treat them equally but we can't decide how other people choose to give to the dc.

OP posts:

WannaBe · 05/12/2016 21:32

It's very simple. If your children notice the difference between £800 and £650 then you tell them not to be such bloody entitled spoiled brats.

Pooka · 05/12/2016 21:32

I mean, after all surely your dcs are aware of ways in which they get more of a break than your dss, in terms of finances and as well as having parents together, generous grandfather etc? Would they mind there being greater parity?

louisejxxx · 05/12/2016 21:36

Oh gosh op, I hope you've put your storm windows in!

stitchglitched · 05/12/2016 21:37

You don't treat them equally though when you arrange a big shopping trip for them to spend all the extra money they get whilst DSS tags along like the poor relation.

RavioliOnToast · 05/12/2016 21:37

I'd be telling my dad it has to stop. Either he reduces what he spends on the others and includes dss or he gets them all nothing. I hate exclusion like this.

RavioliOnToast · 05/12/2016 21:40

Agree with pp aswell about reducing it to £650 for the others and giving dss 500 to shop with aswell

hunibuni · 05/12/2016 21:46

You might not be able to control what other people do regarding gifts, but you can control what YOU do about it. TBF your dad sounds like a dick and I feel bad for your DSS. He is part of your family, it's up to you and your DH to make things fairer.

I say this as a SM, my family were told from the start that DSDs were family, so therefore they get treated the same with regards to gifts. The only time there was a disparity in amount received, it was when my dad gave DS enough money for a car and insurance for his 18th, which was money that he had been saving up for that reason. DSD's were initially a bit bratty about it but soon wound their necks in when DH pointed out that they got large amounts from EXW dad at their big birthdays as well.

longdiling · 05/12/2016 21:49

So what if they do notice op? Surely they wouldn't kick off because you've 'only' spent £650 on them?! I'd be taking it all back to the shop if my kids were that greedy!

Yoarchie · 05/12/2016 21:51

Yikes what in the hell do you spend all that money on.
That aside I think you should try to get ds some spending money for the shopping trip. I am surprised the others splurge in front of him to be honest. Do the kids not get on? Would they not consider sharing their mountains of cash? if your dc each get 500 they could each give dss 100 and then they'd each have 400 still but your dss would have 300.

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