What to do about the differences dc and dss get at xmas

[DHarrington]

Hello everybody I'm relatively new and have been lurking the many posts regarding xmas with a blended family and feel as though I can relate especially this year.

Me and dh love giving all the children presents and we usually spend around £600-800 on each on each of the 4 children. We currently don't balance things out regarding grandparents or other family members as we believe it is up to them to give how they want to.

However the past couple of years it has become a problem, my father is quite wealthy and often buys many presents for my dc and gives nothing to dss. This means my children get a lot more spent on them. My father usually gives his grandchildren (I'm only child) around £500 each. The eldest two get cash and youngest many presents. This means a after xmas shopping trip for the eldest and family day out with dss not being able to buy anything. Dss who is same age as my eldest lives with us full time and doesn't get anything from his mums family or mum as she doesn't have the money.

I don't know what to do me and dh already spend a lot at xmas on all kids. But I don't think it is right to ask my father to give all children money. My dad has met dss on many occasions I've never seen them speak but my dad doesn't like him and I think dss doesn't like my dad. He is a very jokey type of person and he says in private to me that dss is a miserable person, which I don't think is fair.

Me and dh are also struggling to decide what to buy dss cause he keeps saying he doesn't want anything. I mean I have brought stocking fillers and few small presents, but he won't keeps saying he doesn't want anything. I don't know why this is and I don't know if it is a backlash against me or not.

Sorry for the long post.

What the heck do you buy every year?

I wouldn't know what to ask for to spend £600 if I was DSS. Maybe he wants the money from you instead of gifts to spend with the others after Xmas and that's why he isn't asking for anything.

At 17, money for nights out and driving lessons would probably be more important!

What does the six year old do on massive spending day if GF has bought her presents not cash, as he sometimes does?

If your children would kick off because they noticed you'd only spent £600 and not £800 on them, then it's your job as a parent to drive home the message of Christmas.

Money is clearly not a problem for your family, I'm not sure I understand why you don't want to take an easy way to resolve the problem.

"Money is clearly not a problem for your family, I'm not sure I understand why you don't want to take an easy way to resolve the problem."

Yup.

And surely the six year old in particular notices more that her brother isn't buying anything on massive spending day than she'd notice £300 less in her present pile?

My sister and I once spent an excruciating Xmas with my father, step mum, step sister and brother. We were 18 and 15 at the time.
We were given our gifts and then had to sit and watch as ss and sb opened present after present. It was beyond humiliating. I'm sure my step mum would have said we were being miserable and not nice. We were trying not to cry.
It was nothing to do with the presents themselves, more the fact of what it represented. We were not equal.
My sister has never forgiven her father for allowing this to happen. She has not Sen him for over 30 years. He has never seen his grandchildren.
We are both now in our 50s and the hurt and humiliation has never gone away. In fact we were talking about it last week.
Just reading your post made me want to cry for your poor dss. He is bothered. He's very bothered and very humiliated.
Absolutely you make up the difference. It doesn't matter how you do it. He will never forgive either of you if you don't show him that he is equal in everything.

What the actual fuck do you give them each year for that amount of money? How do you fit it all under the tree? What could there possibly be left to spend £300 on?

I agree with the others who've said - if your children genuinely noticed and complained that they've only had £650 spent on them it would out them for the spoiled, entitled brats they were. It would be the (frankly unnecessary) proof that they are getting way, way too much stuff and money to the point that you're actually just fucking them up by being so 'generous'.

Happy Christmas!

If you can afford that amount on each child I presume you are reasonably well off and can afford to make up the shortfall? it's doesn't sound like you want to find a solution tbh and just want validation that it's just 'one of those things'.

I think you should have the conversation with Ss about what a funny old fart your father is and that you acknowledge it's wrong so 'here's x amount of £ for the shopping trip' as an acknowledgment that you don't condone it your dads behaviour.

What does dss get from his mothers side?

To be honest, if he's getting a reasonable amount from his family, I don't see why your family should feel obliged, if they don't want to.

I'm astonished that you can't see how awful you're being in not making up the money for your step son.
And given that 2 of the children are very young, I would be concerned about the values they are developing if they are aware of how much gifts are worth to the value of several hundred pounds.
edtrust.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/equity.jpg

Equality not equity

Equity even not equality!!

I'm sure that it is quite easy to spend that much if you include clothes, trainers, an electric device etc. Trainers alone can cost £60.

However it's a rediculous amount of money, especially knowing they get £500 from grandad. ( mine would be banking £450 of that)

It's difficult as you dad has every right to only give to his grandchildren but if I was SS I would be very sad and jealous.

My solution would be to bank more of grandads money and make sure that everyone has equal spends on shopping day. ( which I would skim off everyone's shopping)

Fwiw we have plenty of money and I worry about spoiling my children, I only spend about £120 on each. ( which is still a lot, but mine are younger)

Purplehen, the child gets nothing from his mother or that side of the family. It says so right there in the op.

'Massive Spending Day' this is probably a more appropriate name for Christmas these days

Disgusting amounts of money involved here for Christmas presents IMO. Unless life long financial stability is guaranteed for your kids I'd be making sure the £500 from the GF went into funds/savings for them and put £500 into a fund for DSS at the same time.

Silly money for children.
Mean to single one out to be poor.
Give them an Oxfam goat so they consider others
Make them save the money and avoid a disgusting spending spree where one is left to watch
Tell your father he gives to all or none

We have had similar dilemma. Our conclusion was that we alone made the decision to blend our families. We as a family unit can decide to treat all our children equally. This always happens.

But what we can't do, is dictate that our extended families also blend. It's been our decision and we can't inflict our parenting on grandparents and aunts and uncles who are not blood relations.

The kindest way is to explain to the children that in our immediate family all are treated equally.
But there may be occasion that outside family on both sides, give gifts.

I would be insisting that these gifts are given sensitively and privately though. No harm if grandad wants to set up an ISA for his grandson. But not appropriate to be giving large sums of cash in front of others.

Hope this helps.

I don't agree that your dad is being unreasonable. With the amounts involved it sounds like your DSS id t going without. As PP says, you can't enforce what wider family do. As your DSS is 18 next year, I assume this will be less of an issue soon?

I do think that if you dad is motivated by not getting on with your DSS, that's a bit off - what if he fell out with your DCs?

Nothing to add just at the amount. What do children need that costs that much??

Crikey... reduce it to 200 each, make sure ss has same amount then spend the rest that you have saved on a Carribean cruise ( I would)

Update my father is going to give the children all the same.

How did he come
To that conclusion op?i hope he is genuine and doesn't display the same disregard he previously has done for your DSS

That's great news!

I asked him what he was getting my youngest as she gets toys and I didn't want to buy same thing twice. I asked what about the older dc and he says that he's getting driving lessons for my eldest and cash for my ds2 so I just said what about dss and he said he would get him something. I can't guarantee what he's going to get dss so I hope it is someone what similar value to other presents.