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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What to do about the differences dc and dss get at xmas

94 replies

DHarrington · 05/12/2016 20:47

Hello everybody I'm relatively new and have been lurking the many posts regarding xmas with a blended family and feel as though I can relate especially this year.

Me and dh love giving all the children presents and we usually spend around £600-800 on each on each of the 4 children. We currently don't balance things out regarding grandparents or other family members as we believe it is up to them to give how they want to.

However the past couple of years it has become a problem, my father is quite wealthy and often buys many presents for my dc and gives nothing to dss. This means my children get a lot more spent on them. My father usually gives his grandchildren (I'm only child) around £500 each. The eldest two get cash and youngest many presents. This means a after xmas shopping trip for the eldest and family day out with dss not being able to buy anything. Dss who is same age as my eldest lives with us full time and doesn't get anything from his mums family or mum as she doesn't have the money.

I don't know what to do me and dh already spend a lot at xmas on all kids. But I don't think it is right to ask my father to give all children money. My dad has met dss on many occasions I've never seen them speak but my dad doesn't like him and I think dss doesn't like my dad. He is a very jokey type of person and he says in private to me that dss is a miserable person, which I don't think is fair.

Me and dh are also struggling to decide what to buy dss cause he keeps saying he doesn't want anything. I mean I have brought stocking fillers and few small presents, but he won't keeps saying he doesn't want anything. I don't know why this is and I don't know if it is a backlash against me or not.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

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NoFanJoe · 05/12/2016 21:52

The money doesn't seem to be the issue here, it's more the message that it's sending.
I can't help thinking your father is deliberately attacking your family at one of its weak points. It's hard enough to achieve a decent harmony and closeness without things being deliberately torpedoed. If he were attacking your husband in that way, you would probably pull him up on his behaviour. Well you know, he is attacking your husband through your husband's son. It's so passive aggressive, probably because he thinks that way you won't have grounds to call him on it.

rollonthesummer · 05/12/2016 21:57

Me and dh love giving all the children presents and we usually spend around £600-800 on each on each of the 4 children.

So spend closer to £600, rather than £800 and give your step son the difference.

Somerville · 05/12/2016 21:58

But this worries me because what if it becomes noticeable from my other children. I like buying all my children gifts.

That would be considerably less noticeable than them getting £500 from another relative that DSS doesn't get.

And frankly, if your children sit there totting up totals and comparing it with last years totally then they could do with having a bit less of a materialistic Christmas anyway. They already get far more than the majority of children get spent on them.

Either you want to deal with this or you don't. Starting a thread about it makes me think you do. If so, take some time to think through the options.

Underthemoonlight · 05/12/2016 22:03

I can't fathom where you would put 800 worth of stuff for 4 children that's a crazy amount. I spent 200 on my DC and they got loads. Your DF is being so mean especially as this lad gets nout from his DM and he lives with you guys! As if he has to watch all his siblings or step siblings spending their money and he hasn't been treated as an equal member. It's clearly an issue otherwise you wouldn't have to post here. You have a solution your DC will still get an insane amount of gifts and by putting money aside it restores the balance and enables DSS to be treated equal by his DF and his DW. I think your DF attitude is utterly appaulling tbh.

GooseFriend · 05/12/2016 22:06

Well if you won't tackle your dad, and you won't spend less on the other kids then you need to find the extra money and give DSS that on top of your current budget.

TheOnlyColditz · 05/12/2016 22:07

I don't allow this. People buy for all or none. I will not have dna based favouritism.

WannaBe · 05/12/2016 22:07

Actually these days I think you could easily spend £800 on a seventeen year old and not have that much to show for it. IPad/Xbox plus about three games and bang, £800. .

Blossomdeary · 05/12/2016 22:08

I can't get past the amounts of money involved here - all the rest has washed by me. £600-£800 per child - this cannot be a serious proposition surely. This crazy - for goodness sake make a donation to charity - your DC and DSC cannot possibly need this sort of money spent on them.

MyWineTime · 05/12/2016 22:09

It is grossly unfair on your DSS. I think you should speak to your dad about it and tell him that if he is giving money he needs to give all of them the same amount.
If that doesn't happen, you need to spend less on each of them in order to make it even for all.

willconcern · 05/12/2016 22:11

I don't think it is right to ask my father to give all children money

I disagree 100%. It is absolutely right to ask him to give all the children money.

I also can't get over the amounts you spend. I actually find it quite disgusting.

Somerville · 05/12/2016 22:13

There have been occasional years when I've spent that kind of amount - or close to it - on one or more of my children I think - because they've needed/wanted a new bike, upgraded console, or laptop. But I'd struggle to spend that much on each of mine every year. Upgraded consoles are only released every - what - 5 years or so?

And by shopping thriftily, and planning ahead, it would be possible to buy £800 worth of stuff for £650 anyway.

stitchglitched · 05/12/2016 22:14

Even if you don't want to ask your Dad to give them all money, you could at least mitigate the damage by not having, in your own words, a family day out where your kids flash the cash and your poor stepson has nothing. I can't get over you, or your kids, being so unkind tbh.

Somerville · 05/12/2016 22:15

No-one needs to point out the irony of me suggesting shopping 'thriftily' with a budget of £650 per child.

longdiling · 05/12/2016 22:15

Thing is op, you don't have to ask your dad to spend more - just to split his substantial budget between 4 instead of 3. Would he really find that so difficult to swallow? You also haven't answered how long your dss has been in your lives for. A year? Perhaps your dad isn't quite so unreasonable. 10 years? He's pretty flipping horrible.

VimFuego101 · 05/12/2016 22:19

Presumably your DSS gets presents from his mother's side of the family so it's not as unfair as your OP suggests. That said, I would make sure he had some cash to go shopping with too so he didn't feel left out.

I was going to suggest you ask your father to at least give DSS a small gift - it seems rude to ignore him completely - but I'm not sure if that would look even worse than giving him nothing whilst he gives your children large amounts of cash.

longdiling · 05/12/2016 22:22

Op says that dss gets nothing at all from anyone on his mother's side - even his mum. It's in the opening post.

livefornaps · 05/12/2016 22:24

So after being treated to close to 800 squids worth of goodies, your kids go out and splash the cash to the tune of another 400? What more could they possibly want? My head is spinning.

Also can you adopt me plz? Your df wouldn't need to part with any more of his precious money. But feel free to shower me in 800 pounds' worth of gifts! Wowza.

VimFuego101 · 05/12/2016 22:34

Sorry, long - then I do think that OP needs to do something to balance things out.

Chilver · 05/12/2016 22:44

I am actually aghast at the amount each child gets each christmas On top of birthdays and everyday spending these kids must be drowning in material things.

I too would be saying to your DF either all kids get the same, or none of them get anything.

I am actually worried that I've spent too much and was in the 'spoiling DC' mode with the £100 I've spent

JustSpeakSense · 05/12/2016 22:53

You need to spend a little less on everyone, so that you have some cash put away to give SS for shopping trips.

I would tell your DF the predicament he has put you in, he sounds like a bit of a dick tbh.

I would also explain to your children that you feel it is not fair, that their grandfather gives them money but not SS, and that you will be giving him more spending money...because you are a family & all the children are equal etc etc

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 05/12/2016 23:46

I don't see that he should treat them all the same actually. He's nearly an adult and old enough to understand it isn't his GF and they don't 'get on'. It might be nice if he bought something, yes, but not everything with stepfamilies is black and white.
If he was receiving a similar gift from his other side of the family, would the consensus be to split it with OPs children? I very much doubt it!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 06/12/2016 00:48

I wouldn't do anything OP. I don't think you can tell GPs.

My DSDs get huge amounts from their mums parents. And bigger presents generally from my DP too.

So my DS gets a lot less. It's just the way it is, but there are all sorts of examples of inequalities in step families, the more these are accepted the better.

I'm giving my DS a well earned treat instead for his birthday soon, and if any DSDs complain.... !

Lunar1 · 06/12/2016 05:57

I firmly believe that while it's impossible to completely balance things in a blended family, children at the same place at the same time should be treated equally.

Where is your dad handing over this money? Because he wouldn't be welcome in my home doing this and there wouldn't be any family trips to his either.

The amounts of money are irrelevant, it's absolutely disgusting that you have these shopping trips where dss has nothing, never mind what he says, imagine how he feels.

Konyaa · 06/12/2016 06:09

If your kids "notice " the difference between £800 and £650 being spent on Christmas presents on each of them - then you've got a larger problem on your hands. That if unnecessarily spoilt entitled children.

sashh · 06/12/2016 06:22

Puts on Equality and Diversity teacher's hat.

Treating people equally is not treating everyone the same.

I'm sure your 17 year old doesn't get the same present as your youngest and I'm sure your youngest isn't allowed driving lessons where your 17 year olds might be.

Be the adult here, be the parent, give dss the £500 (actually more to make up for the shit he's put up with in the past) and spend less on the others.

Treating them equally means they all have £500 cash to spend.

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