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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What to do about the differences dc and dss get at xmas

94 replies

DHarrington · 05/12/2016 20:47

Hello everybody I'm relatively new and have been lurking the many posts regarding xmas with a blended family and feel as though I can relate especially this year.

Me and dh love giving all the children presents and we usually spend around £600-800 on each on each of the 4 children. We currently don't balance things out regarding grandparents or other family members as we believe it is up to them to give how they want to.

However the past couple of years it has become a problem, my father is quite wealthy and often buys many presents for my dc and gives nothing to dss. This means my children get a lot more spent on them. My father usually gives his grandchildren (I'm only child) around £500 each. The eldest two get cash and youngest many presents. This means a after xmas shopping trip for the eldest and family day out with dss not being able to buy anything. Dss who is same age as my eldest lives with us full time and doesn't get anything from his mums family or mum as she doesn't have the money.

I don't know what to do me and dh already spend a lot at xmas on all kids. But I don't think it is right to ask my father to give all children money. My dad has met dss on many occasions I've never seen them speak but my dad doesn't like him and I think dss doesn't like my dad. He is a very jokey type of person and he says in private to me that dss is a miserable person, which I don't think is fair.

Me and dh are also struggling to decide what to buy dss cause he keeps saying he doesn't want anything. I mean I have brought stocking fillers and few small presents, but he won't keeps saying he doesn't want anything. I don't know why this is and I don't know if it is a backlash against me or not.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

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ApocalypseNowt · 09/12/2016 18:19

So he hasn't said he's getting them all the same. Just that he's getting your DSS 'something'.

Original poster

DHarrington · 09/12/2016 18:24

Well yes but I assume that he will get the same because he's with us for xmas so can't give other presents and then a lesser present for ds

OP posts:

EvenTheWind · 09/12/2016 18:25

I bet he can, op, he might not even think of how it would look.

Original poster

DHarrington · 09/12/2016 18:33

Well he will look like a twat if he does in front of whole family including dh parents (who give to all children).

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 09/12/2016 18:35

He's general attitude about him was disgusting of course he's not going to give him equal to the rest of his siblings and allowing him into your home on Xmas day without checking what he's actually getting him is shocking he has a history of treating them differently.

EvenTheWind · 09/12/2016 18:40

You are missing the point about this, op. He doesn't see it as the "natural" thing to do, he sees his way as the natural thing to do. He can see it would be odd to have nothing but may turn up with a book or chocolates or something for him.

I know,because I have a family member who treated her step-grandson that way even though her DS had adopted him before he turned 10). He was still "not family" to her.
And she thought that was perfectly reasonable.

Anyway, even if your dad feels bad, and DSS also feels bad, what is gained?.

Orangetoffee · 09/12/2016 18:41

Surely he would have said the same as DS2 rather than something if he is planning to treat them the same.

girlelephant · 09/12/2016 19:02

OP from what you've written about your DS this was a vague response and his gift could be a Boots set.

HermioneWeasley · 09/12/2016 19:13

I'm going to be controversial and say I don't understand why step grand parents are expected to treat the step GCs the same as their GCs, particularly when this GC is 17. This can be difficult when budgets are tight, but clearly OP has the money to even things out.

If it was the other way and the SS got lavish presents from the mum's family, would anyone expect them to do that for OPs DCs?

Is OP,s father expected to leave his inheritance equally?

Winifredgoose · 09/12/2016 19:24

I feel i can't comment on the issue at hand, as the amounts seem so obscene. Are you seriously spending £1,300 on toys for a six year old between you? This thread is very depressing.

NiceFalafels · 09/12/2016 19:33

Spend 450 on all 4 DC. Then match what ever your dad gives to your DC so that DSs has same amount.

Also just put the money into his account if he can't think of anything.

NiceFalafels · 09/12/2016 19:35

Yes it seems over the top amount wise.

NiceFalafels · 09/12/2016 19:39

Just read update. See what happens this year and then next year you might still need to even things out.

TheRollingCrone · 09/12/2016 19:40

not quite sure how to respond to this thread, or if I have anything useful to add, beyond thinking what must go through the child who isn't being treated the same head.

Really OP this child is part of your family, tell your Father to stick his not so generous generosity if he can't treat all your children with parity.

AlbusPercival · 09/12/2016 19:46

I find this baffling. I have a step cousin, she gets more from my granny than the bio grand children as she is still a child whereas we are all adults and granny is repeating what she did for us as children

Thepurplehen · 10/12/2016 08:40

I do think this is a very difficult one.

I don't think it's fair on the step child but at 17, perhaps he's old enough to understand inequalities in life? And old enough to make a judgement on how his step grandad behaves?

I often read on here about how second families shouldn't give less to first family children even when they are getting significantly more at Christmas and birthdays. Nobody suggests "evening up" is a good idea in that situation.

I think if it was me, I'd not try and hide the fact that he gets nothing from step grandad and I'd do something to compensate but I wouldn't try and make it exactly the same. I might suggest that dc save an amount and give dss the same as the remaining balance of money to spend.

00100001 · 10/12/2016 08:48

OP, what do you even buy your kids every year?

Coffeepot72 · 10/12/2016 08:59

I agree with hermioneweasley. There was a similar thread running recently, where an elderly couple wanted to take their grown up children, and grand children, on holiday. They hadn't included their step grand children in the plans, which resulted in a very protracted thread about how many generations total parity should extend to, in a blended family.

swingofthings · 10/12/2016 10:31

I don't think I've read anywhere you saying how much your DS care/doesn't care.

My kids are 14 and 17, their step-siblings 18 and 16. They all get along well and no-one resents the others for what they get/don't get. You said that your DS didn't say that he wanted anything in particular so maybe, he also falls in the category of those rare children who are not materialistic as such and feel they have an entitlement to get everything others get.

In the end, if your SS and father are not close, and your SS doesn't care much about him as a person any way, maybe it really is a fact that he is grateful for what he gets from everyone else and doesn't care to get anything from someone he doesn't feel any attachment from?

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