If you don't want to know don't ask?

[HesNotAMessiah]

Lot of background to this post, which I won't go into. Suffice it to say we are under a lot of pressure as a couple since ex's DP decided to go abroad to work and 'leave' the DSC with us.

Their teenage behaviour causes us a lot of stress, and with an alternate week with them we were just about able to recover some equilibrium. Now they stay with us full time, originally I thought ex's DP would be home every other weekend for three nights but it turns out it will be two nights and it will be whenever the ex decides to come home and with a day or twos notice.

So trying to arrange our own life is difficult, and we're at odds a lot of the time over behaviour as ex's DP prefers to behave like a teenager too.

DP to be fair just want what's best for the kids, which we both do just I don't think they should be jerked about so much. And confrontation with the ex achieves nothing

I know I shouldn't have checked, but because plans this weekend changed at the last minute and DP seemed very evasive about telling the ex this wasn't good enough I peeked at their phone.

What I found was a text that included amongst the usual feeble excuses 'I still love you very much and I hope etc etc' the hope being something that is never going to happen.

There's no reply from DP to say this is an inappropriate form of communication in relation to the kids.

We've had numerous arguments over the years about the perceived relationship DP's ex seems to think they have, I'm always told theres nothing DP can do about it.

I am in no doubt that this is inappropriate, question is do I just have to live with it because I spied, or do I come clean and admit I spied?

Huh?

If your DP's ex is having his relationships break down because of the kids, why would you expect your DP to tackle this?

I get you are being circumspect for privacy, but judging by your other threads, you've had issues with the ex and the DSC for at least a couple of years. Are you sure this relationship is right for you.

I didn't assault the ex!

It was the other way round!

So after the marriage had ended, and I met DP, but that was enough to cause a confrontation.

And it's that kind of weird pre existing ownership rights that have plagued us for years.

You'll just do what I want because that's the way it was when we were married.

Executioner, you're right it's been a log hard road.

DP and me are a great couple, time with the kids where we can provide a structured home life is ok, teen issues aside.

Eventually the kids will have left home, my relationship with DP should then grow and waiting for that is a price worth paying.

But it's the shadow of the ex that worries me, there is no reason as far as I can see this is not now on a courtesy basis or completely via the kids.

Oops! Sorry, I read that as "a conviction against you" not "a conviction for assault on you"!

That's less confusing!

That's ok, I was equally confused when it happened!

Back to your DP (as neither of you can make the ex change his behaviour)

Does she reciprocate with any similar messages, or is it pretty much all one way and she tries not to get dragged in?

The massages are one way, but the effect is two way
Because the result is always what the ex desires. And that reinforces method equals success.

And at 17 and 14 I really think these conversations, excuses and plans should be had with the kids themselves not palmed off.

I'm fairly sure if I got any similar messages all hell would break loose, there's no 'oh it's always like that' excuse.

So why does it work one way?

"Because the result is always what the ex desires. "

Is the "result" to do with the kids, contact etc?

Or other things like, I dunno, will she pick him some stuff up when shopping?

Because many years on MN have shown me that the more reliable parent can always get stiffed by the less reliable; responsibility to the kids overrides everything else. Which is right, of course, but so massively unfair!

Mostly kids, but that extends to parents evenings when ex won't be there, dentist, dr, hair appts etc made but when Ex won't be there.

Pretty much, you do the parenting I'll be back when it suits me.

And ex has a social diary that can't be interfered with so don't try.

Do you think DP is trying to shield the kids from his crap excuses?

"Dad can't come cos he is wirking" vs him saying to them "I can't come as I'm having a drink with a mate"

Perhaps she feels ignoring these messages is the best way to deal with them? Given that he's violent and has stalked her in the past I kind of agree that avoiding a confrontation is probably safer and easier.

Twatty the op is a woman and step mum. Her DP was stalked by his ex. OP was assaulted by the DCs mother = DPs ex AKA The Stalker

I couldn't deal with this to be honest. To be so low down the priorities list and with 0 consideration from any of the parties involved must be so demoralizing.

Surely he can stop direct contact and the kids can contact him or her as necessary. I'd certainly be working on that.

What happens if he says no?

You sound very insecure. Are you actually worried your OH might go back to her? If not, then what does it matter what she texts him?

I expect like most man, he wants an easy life, so if not responding to her in the way you would like to make things clear means that communication and decisions around the kids are easier, than that's the path he is going to take.

In the end, who cares that she is giving vibes that she would have him back if you know that this is never going to happen? Do you really need your OH to make it totally clear to her, over and over, that he loves you, doesn't love her anymore, will never ever get back with her no matter what, just so that you feel secure in your relationship?

The fact you've checked his phone shows that you have issues with this. I think you need to reflect on why that is.

ps: been in the same situation and just felt sorry for her because I knew for a fact that my OH would never have gone back to her, so couldn't care less how he dealt with it. It was his issue and choice, not mine.

Whatever excuse you give for somehow seeing it wont wash....he'll know you were snooping!
So, you have two choices, A) admit you did it because you felt you weren't being given the whole story. But be aware, you'll never get near his phone again! Or B) don't tell him, and live with the doubt and worry!
Hobson's choice really, but that's what happens when you snoop, and boy....do I know it!

This would hugely pee me off. Why is this happening? Because you are both allowing it to that's why!

You should have drawn your line in the sand long ago about what is and is not acceptable with regards to the ex.

Your dp should not be pandering to her - he has the kids, he owes her nothing, she will hardly threaten to take them given she is leading a single, carefree life!

He needs to tell this woman in no uncertain terms that he wants absolutely no contact unless it's absolutely necessary.

There will be no consequences, well only for her emotional wellbeing which your dp should not be giving a fig about.

It's time he highlighted to both of you who is the number one woman in his life. If he can't do that then I wouldn't hang around in your shoes

OP has structured sentences so the sex of any of the parties is unclear.

I think the current DP is a woman from past threads. Beyomd that, I don't know. I'm not sure the lack of clarity is helpful.