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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What's reasonable?

55 replies

Rainingpurpleglitter · 21/11/2016 09:01

OH has kids with his ex - their relationship has never been great and contact between them is only ever about problems to do with the children.

But Just recently she's moved and is now asking him to go over to do bits round the house - fit blinds etc. when he drops the kids off. Theres been various other calls for other things in past couple of weeks too

Is this normal? Shouldn't she be finding someone else to do things like this for her? Maybe I'm wrong, I don't want to be jumped on and abused for posting just curious as to where you draw a line with things like this....

OP posts:

FizzBombBathTime · 21/11/2016 09:06

Guess it depends what stuff

If it's stuff that are for the kids e.g fixing kids furniture/toys or whatever then it would be a bit mean if he didn't

But putting up her wallpaper or something? Naaaaah get a decorator

DavidPuddy · 21/11/2016 09:12

I don't see the need to draw a line. He's helping out the mother of his children and helping his children to have a nice home. I don't think there is a problem here.

FriendofBill · 21/11/2016 09:13

No problem with him fixing house things.
It's the DC house too.

Bobochic · 21/11/2016 09:17

No, he shouldn't perform husband duties for his exW. He's overstepping boundaries.

weekendninja · 21/11/2016 09:19

I agree, it depends what it is. My ex occasionally does the odd thing for me like fixing the lock on the gate etc. I don't see the problem if it's a job that he's perfectly capable of doing and only takes a short while. For other jobs that I'm not able to do that take time like putting up the outside Christmas lights or big manual jobs I get someone in. Likewise, if there was something I could help him with such as taking delivery of a parcel I would do it. I must say that this is not a regular occurrence and not something that I/we particularly want to do but it happens.

There is no chance that we will get back together and he's certainly not my Most Favourite Person but I don't see why we couldn't help each other out with little things.

Is it the fact that you feel that he is spending unnecessary time with her that is bothering you? Ultimately, it's good for his DC'S that they see them helping each other out.

SoupDragon · 21/11/2016 09:22

husband duties

PMSL.

Stormborn20 · 21/11/2016 09:31

I think it's an easy test. Ask him if he'd be comfortable with you having an ex-lover come round to do similar things for you around your home under the heading of "it'll make things nicer for the children when they're here". If he wouldn't be happy about that, then he know where he needs to draw the line...

CozyAutumn · 21/11/2016 10:00

Stormborn's advice is excellent.

Also, perhaps he could ask her to come and do some stuff for him? Maybe wash the kid's bedding and clothes for him?

Original poster

Rainingpurpleglitter · 21/11/2016 10:32

Thank you for advice.... mmmm it's a difficult one. It's always "for the kids" so I'm in an impossible place to say anything!

OP posts:

elliebellys · 21/11/2016 10:35

Bobochic uv just made my dreary Monday morning better.😂.husband duties .I. will have to say that to my oh when something needs doing.😆

FizzBombBathTime · 21/11/2016 11:13

Raining yeah I get that technically anything could be justified as 'for the kids'

Your partner should probably make an educated decision on a case by case basis- if it's something that will directly affect the kids then maybe he does it but if it's something that will just save her time of getting someone else round (e.g changing a lightbulb or something) then he needs to say no

Original poster

Rainingpurpleglitter · 21/11/2016 11:19

I have since spoken to him after all your advice he's agreed she's got other people that can do it and he won't do it again unless, like you say, it affects the children!

OP posts:

FizzBombBathTime · 21/11/2016 11:48

Well done rainbow! Hope it works out for you

Original poster

Rainingpurpleglitter · 21/11/2016 12:21

Thank you! Sometimes you just need other people's perspectives on a situation to know if your being completely crazy or not!

OP posts:

elliebellys · 21/11/2016 12:55

I think it's just easier to get it done yourself rather than ask an ex.even if it's for the dcs.saves any aggro.

Bobochic · 21/11/2016 16:44

It's usually quite easy to categorise flavours as "husband duties" or "parenting duties" and hence to know where to draw the line. IMVHO the exW's house should be out of bounds for your OH.

Bobochic · 21/11/2016 16:44

favours

Original poster

Rainingpurpleglitter · 21/11/2016 16:56

I know bobo and I do agree with you. However, on further explanation, she asked if when he dropped them off if he could just fit a blind in the little girls room. Took him 10 mins.
Soooo to be fair to him, bit difficult to say no to that! He's said in future he will suggest she ask a family member etc...

OP posts:

FizzBombBathTime · 21/11/2016 16:59

It's difficult isn't it! My parents split up when I was young. I needed a new bed and my mum got one from Ikea. Her brother in law was supposed to be putting it together for her and me but he bailed. So begrudgingly she asked my dad to do it. He hadn't been in our house for years!

If it's every week though, that's a bit much

Original poster

Rainingpurpleglitter · 21/11/2016 17:16

It is. And I have to see it from his point of view too ... he said now he's thought about it from my perspective he won't be doing it again unless absolutely necessary..
Think sometimes men just need a kick up the bum!

OP posts:

OohhThatsMe · 21/11/2016 17:33

I think it would be really mean of him to say no if it's for the children's bedrooms.

Original poster

Rainingpurpleglitter · 21/11/2016 17:42

Exactly- I think so too. He didn't mention it was for the children's bedroom! However - the other things were not for the children so still think those things should be kept for others to help with

OP posts:

swingofthings · 21/11/2016 17:55

He gets the chance to see the house where his children are going to live and to give the pleasure to his children to share this new aspect of their lives. Many dads would love that chance.

In the end, you need to ask yourself why is it bothering you? Because you are worried that it is getting them closer? I expect this will soon stop when she is settle in her new place if indeed, it wasn't a common request where she lived before.

weekendninja · 21/11/2016 18:59

As on my earlier post i don't really see a problem with what he has done. If I asked my ex to do a 10 minute job as a favour and he replied with "no I won't unless its absolutely necessary. Can't you ask your DF/a friend?" I would just think he was being unnecessarily awkward. On the other hand, you do risk the chance of him saying "Ok, but don't tell Raining because she doesn't like it" which would probably make her think you are rather insecure.

I just don't understand why when a relationship ends you have to stop considering the other person (unless they are particularly awful). Surely it's better for them to remain on friendlish terms rather than one or both feeling the other is obstructive.

Original poster

Rainingpurpleglitter · 21/11/2016 19:36

I can see your point and actually it's advice like that that I wanted because it puts it into perspective for me. So thank you

OP posts:

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