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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What's reasonable?

55 replies

Rainingpurpleglitter · 21/11/2016 09:01

OH has kids with his ex - their relationship has never been great and contact between them is only ever about problems to do with the children.

But Just recently she's moved and is now asking him to go over to do bits round the house - fit blinds etc. when he drops the kids off. Theres been various other calls for other things in past couple of weeks too

Is this normal? Shouldn't she be finding someone else to do things like this for her? Maybe I'm wrong, I don't want to be jumped on and abused for posting just curious as to where you draw a line with things like this....

OP posts:
LadyVampire · 22/11/2016 21:05

I'm with you OP. One off or a very quick job fair enough but think it is important both parents take equal responsibility for children. With us we do all DSS things here and ask for no help. They don't ask us for help either.

Original poster
Rainingpurpleglitter · 22/11/2016 21:21

Thanks LadyVampire - completely agree

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 22/11/2016 21:36

Is she the resident parent and how much money does she have (and how much maintenance does your dh pay)? RPs quite often bear most of the expense of child rearing (and the effort) so a bit of DIY isn't necessarily unreasonable.

LadyVampire · 22/11/2016 21:54

No problem OP clear boundaries are a must. My DH would never say no just to be petty but he wouldn't go rushing over everytime she wants a favour. He and his ex have the ability to contact in an emergency but DH is responsible for homing DSS here and his ex is responsible at her house. He gives his ex £50 pw maintenance as she does 5/7 days and that money is based on her having their son more and therefore she covers more costs ie extra food, bills, clothes and providing a home. DIY would come under the latter.

Original poster
Rainingpurpleglitter · 22/11/2016 22:33

Barbarian - yes she's RP. We have them EOW. He pays the amount required with regards to his salary monthly - always buying them extra bits they need to. He's a fantastic dad. Which is why I could understand Doing odd job to help make children's rooms nice - just think as LadyVampire says, clear boundaries need to be set. It's just so difficult to work out what those boundaries should be!

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 22/11/2016 22:49

Why can't the ex do these jobs herself? Why is fixing a blind a 'man's job?'

LadyVampire · 22/11/2016 23:10

Different boundaries suit different blended families OP. We do "our house = our rules = our responsibilities" and "their house = their rules = their responsibilities" with the day to day living (of course it is reasonable they have to talk about some things). If my DH constantly asked his ex for favours for their son I would call him out on it and remind him they are both equally responsible. Big difference between providing eachother a bit of extra support and one person passing on all the bits they should do onto to the other parent.

You and your partner need to talk about what boundaries you are happy with and make sure it's a two way street. Being a SM big thing I've learnt is clear communication about what is and isn't expected from each adult involved makes things so much easier (and making sure both parents are treated as equals and both step parents are treated as equals).

franincisco · 23/11/2016 08:03

Well as long as she is not doing wife duties for him Grin

What is it that bothers you OP? Do you fear something might happen between the two of them? These are things he is doing for his children, which may be delayed (due to cost/logistics) if he says no, then who suffers? It is the children.

Original poster
Rainingpurpleglitter · 23/11/2016 08:51

Ha! No she definitely doesn't do wife duties for him Grin

I think it is that it may bring them closer, yes. However ridiculous that may sound!
Also, most of the time, she's quite difficult and isn't very pleasant to him so don't think she should have the cheek to ask!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 23/11/2016 12:40

"She doesn't do wife duties for him"
Are you sure? He shares things like stitching name labels into their school uniforms, buys the presents they give their friends on their birthdays, provides costumes on dress up days, irons and mends their clothes etc A lot of wifework gets disguised as motherhood.

1moreRep · 23/11/2016 13:45

I actually went and helped my ep as he couldn't make the kids ikea beds after he moved- his gf didn't help so I offered as the kids were moaning. no big deal and a one off- I wouldn't be happy if it was every week thou

Monochromecat · 23/11/2016 14:15

This thread is weird - the only place on mumsnet where 'traditional gender roles' are accepted without question. Why on earth can't women fit a blind???

Stormborn20 · 23/11/2016 14:24

I understand the point re men's / women's work (which I agree is complex and definitely worthy of discussion), but I feel that's getting away from the main crux of OP's concern (although please correct me if I'm wrong on that OP!).

I went through a very similar stage in the early days with my DH post-divorce from his exW, and I attach a link to an article written by a psychologist, which was helpful in putting my concerns to my DH (who started off fixing things in the children's rooms, to then setting up her wifi "for the children", fixing her printer "for the children" and also progressed to doing the taxes of a professional office manager for her! All while her long-term partner was in the picture), but the following extract is especially relevant:

"a divorcing/divorced man should not have to serve as plumber, gardener, or IT guy to his ex-wife anymore. That’s what husbands do, not ex-husbands, and no woman wants to feel like her boyfriend is still taking care of another woman. Some of that is normal in the early stages of divorce – it may be cheaper for him to just fix it than to pay for someone else to – but not after that."

christiehartman.com/is-it-normal-for-my-divorced-man-to-keep-in-constant-contact-with-his-ex-wife/

satinthedark · 23/11/2016 20:00

OMG I asked my Ex, when he came round, to get the firealarm down the batteries were beeping and he ahd stuck it on the highest ceiling that even on a chair and stretching I could not reach.

He took the step ladder when he left!

Seriously I think people are being too precious

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 25/11/2016 00:27

No, no, no and no again!

I am firmly in the, boundaries please, camp!

Ex should get someone else to do those things, of course it's irritating. It is still treating your partner like her husband. However it is really common and lots of people will say 'but it's so great that they stay friends/have a relationship...' Er... basically, if you can imagine the Ex having a boyfriend who lived in, and imagine whether he'd be cross or not, that is your gage about whether it's crap. And you've every right not to just have to sit there saying nothing 'because of the kids'!

And I speak as an Ex to someone that I know that I could definitely call on to fix stuff, but you know what I know that I'd be quite smugly over stepping the mark with his girlfriend. And I'm not selfish, I want him to be happy, and I don't want to upset his girlfriend. So I don't. I get a friend to help if need be.

Original poster
Rainingpurpleglitter · 25/11/2016 06:42

Bananas, I think I love you!

OP posts:
franincisco · 25/11/2016 10:09

Surely it is up to the DH to be setting boundaries? OP how does your DP feel about this? Is he happy to do these things?

At the end of the day I think this boils down to feeling insecure in your relationship and threatened. If 80 year old Mrs Jones down the road asked him for help would you feel the same?

You said that he does this on drop offs which is EOW, which really doesn't sound excessive to me.

FrankAndBeans · 25/11/2016 10:16

I think people are being really precious here. Saying that the exes house is off limits? It's where his children live! If he is comfortable doing it, it should be up to him. As a girlfriend/partner you shouldn't be dictating the relationship he has with the mother of his children.

At the end of the day I think this boils down to feeling insecure in your relationship and threatened. If 80 year old Mrs Jones down the road asked him for help would you feel the same?
This seems very accurate.

LadyVampire · 25/11/2016 13:43

Big differences between helping neighbours and exes.

Some new gfs/ wives have children with their partners too. So the ex asking last minute frequently for favours impacts time on the children in the other home too.

LadyVampire · 25/11/2016 13:48

I don't think anyone would mind their partners helping someone with an emergency or if it's not urgent their partners making arrangements to help them regardless of who it is.

I wouldn't be ok with anyone expecting me or my partner to do extra favours on a frequent basis we have our own things going on.

Petal02 · 25/11/2016 15:10

I don't think you can compare helping a neighbour/elderly person with helping an ex, the dynamics are rather different!

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2016 15:16

Is it just me who can't get past the "husband duties" ...😂

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 25/11/2016 16:58

I think that saying that the OP is 'insecure' is an insidious and horrible belittling of her very valid feelings. It's kind of awful really.

Separating from a relationship with a partner means just that, separating. That there are still children just muddies the waters. There are so many ways that people can co parent without staking a claim to each other still.

If his kids live with their mother, then so what? Why should he go round there? At all? There is no reason. His relationship with the kids is to do with him as a father, and them as children. If they cannot have that outside of the house, then there is a problem there.

My DSD lived with us, did that mean that it made a better relationship with her mother if she popped in and fixed our pipes?! Or, excuse me mum, just fix DSDs toy there would you? Come in and chat with me her step mum, because she lives here with me, hang around while you are dropping them off, fix my shelves!...

Petal02 · 25/11/2016 17:38

Excellent post bananas

DairyingLass · 25/11/2016 17:48

I ask my ex very occasionally to help out with stuff like putting curtain poles or shelves or blinds up in the kids rooms. I never ask him to do any diy in the rest of the house. He doesn't have a gf, but even if he did I'd still ask. Why not, they're his children.