Sex after step daughter moved in

[Rie482]

Hi guys,

Me and my partner have been together almost nine years and my step daughter to be is 16.

This year due to my step daughters mums mental break down in April, and following suicide in July, she moved in with us. Things are starting to slowly move into something like a normal family life. We're lucky that we get on really well most of the time, although it has been testing as we learn about ourselves and our personal spaces/boundaries.

The one thing that is starting to bother me is the fact my fiancé wants to hide the fact we have sex. Im 29 and he's 33 and we are hoping to start a family in the next year or so after the wedding. She isn't stupid, she knows we do it.

Due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiances consent, he won't have sex without a condom so I came off the pill years ago after taking it for nearly 10 years and I have no plans to go back on it.

His main thing is making sure she doesn't find anything that would suggest we have sex. We practice safe sex so we have condoms in the house but we can't buy them if she's shopping with us and god forbid if a wrapper isn't buried at the very bottom of the bin.

I'm just not used to having to hide the fact we have sex in my own home. I'm not suggesting we should go around shouting it for the roof tops, and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I do feel that we should her how being responsible and practicing safe sex is good and nothing to hide.

Has anyone else had a similar problem?

Your poor DSD. She's going through hell of a lot for a 16 year old!!

It's completely weird that you're annoyed you can't advertise your sex life to her. surely it's a matter of respect for the people that you live with that you dispose of personal items properly, much like you would with used tampons etc.

She is not a step daughter but the mother's fiancee's daughter but never mind that; she seems to like a lot of cuddling up on the sofa with her but that is unusual. Most 16 year olds do not even cuddle their mothers that much at that age. However she has suffered her mother's death.

Anyway it sounds like everyone is trying hard to make things work out.

Before the marriage get all the financial issues decided - eg in a will what will the new wife inherit and what will the father's daughter inherit etc. She may have inherited from her mother by the way already. Her father needsto make sure the financial side is clear and sorted out (and make new wills after the marriage too).

I feel quite disturbed reading this as it reminds me of the fact that my SM seemed to actively want me to know that her and my DF were DTD. Of course I knew they were, but I did not want to see her sex toys (left on the bedroom floor) and I most certainly did not want her to tell me that she was considerate enough to put an old sock over their metal headboard so that the banging wouldn't wake me up

Looking back on it I wonder if my SM weirdly had to prove that my DF was "hers" by spelling their sex life out to me. It most certainly did not show me what a responsible and safe-sex-practising couple they were. My DF had had a vasectomy previous to her so I am very thankful that no condoms were necessary as no doubt she would have been buying them in front of me too.

I'm aware my parents have sex but have never seen any evidence of it.

My DC are aware my DH and I have sex but have never seen any evidence of it.

That's normal parenting.

If this girls mum had a breakdown and suicide, then she's been through a hell of a lot. Also, she may have seen boundaries blurred in an emotional way - who knows of course - but it can happen if her mother was falling apart.

OP I think in a weird way your DPs instinct is right. He wants the boundaries completely clear for his daughter and he also doesn't want the fact that he is having a full adult love life to be in her face in any way. This makes total sense considering the situation. He wants to protect her, which is a good thing. She does not need to know, she just needs some stability and some peace. It will take her many years to come to some sort of terms with what has happened.

OP I do think you should take a big step back, if this is the biggest problems at the moment, then you don't have a problem. Let it go and let them deal with this in their own way.

Fran That's one crazy SM you had.

Yes indeed she was. That was just the tip of the iceberg really. unsurprisingly we don't have contact.

No teenager wants to know their parents are at it you dont need to be buying condoms when she is there you want to be triple wrapping the evidence of condoms and binning them so she does not see them. Your step daughter is entitled to not be embaressed (sp)in her own home your partner is protecting her feelings maybe you should too

but you seem to want her to be overtly aware like its some kind of claim of ownership

Hmm. I think so too, especially with the "I only show physical affection to my partner" stuff.

Fran- my step mother had wildly inappropriate/ graphic sex conversations with me too , I'm convinced it was her marking her territory and letting me know dad was hers < bitter>

My stepfather was really inappropriate he had code words for sex and would say them to mum in front of me and he was always all over her it really made me uncomfortable even at 8/9.

Oh god, that sounds really icky, horrible and inappropriate fran and jayy

Mrs Jayy the first time I met my SM we were at a restaurant for lunch and she was all over my DF. I was a teen, absolutely mortified and praying that no one I knew would see her snogging the face off my DF at every opportunity us. It was really bizarre, she would be kissing him and then give me a "look". My DF was not the PDA type so seeing him being practically molested was actually really traumatic.

she would be kissing him and then give me a "look"

This is like my childhood in a nutshell with my SM. I think they like to mark ''their'' territory or something. Mine would kiss my dad after I had hugged him like she was trying to out do me in his affections, it was so weird and I still think its weird to this day.

Yes, I remember my dad teaching my sister and me to dance one Christmas,we were having such a laugh until SM insisted a slow record was played so she could dance inappropriately with dad.

I'm not bitter at all, much!

Oh yes, the look, I know it well...

Most of the step-parenting threads on here are about step-daughters, rarely about step-sons, oddly enough.

And the step-daughters are always apparently clingy, demanding and impeding the step-mum's relationship.

There was even a grim trend of dubbing such stepdaughters "mini-wives", but that seems to have passed.

Interesting.

You know what, reading sone of the stories on here has made me feel like an AWESOME step mum.

so sorry to those of you who had this weird 'competition' going on.

There was even a grim trend of dubbing such stepdaughters "mini-wives", but that seems to have passed.

Ewww I remember that trend. Posters banging on that it was a recognised thing and needed treatment. When in fact it was made up by jealous sm's to justify their duslike if DSDs. I once saw a post that used the term about a 5 yo

Pleased that trend has past.

You sound very immature OP. Why does your step daughter need to know you're having sex with her dad?

Gosh I've read the rest of the thread.

I am astounded by you OP, your poor step daughter.

Mini wife , the complete lack of boundray at home did have an affect on me it was so inappropriate

She's not stupid, she knows you have sex - but there is absolutely no need for her to see any evidence of that. I'm sure you have plenty of opportunity to buy condoms when she isn't with you.

Your fiance consented unprotected sex which resulted in pregnancy.

This is absolutely not the right time to get pregnant. I realise that means you have to put your life on hold, but it could have a devastating effect on her.

When the contact gets too much and you need some space, don't tell her to stop, be kinder about it. Tell her that you have enjoyed the hugs but you now need to get a few things done and you will be back to her later.

I can see that you are trying, but this girl has been through so much trauma, she needs far more consideration. If you have a baby, she may well feel pushed out which may cause her to panic and become even more demanding of your time and attention. She will see you being affectionate with your baby and she will see what she has lost.

I just want to say as an SM, in defence of other SMs like me, I am very conscious of my DSDs feelings and have never, ever kissed my DP in front of them! We both hug our children and keep our affections to more private moments on the whole, so that there isn't that awkwardness.

Although, I do recognise something of the 'female competing for top status' - terrible way to put - I really don't know what to call it as I don't really like the word 'mini wife' but it is sometimes there.

I think there is almost a pressure on an older step daughter to fill the 'void' after their parents separated to their Dad, or their Mum, taking over more adult roles than is healthy for them of their parents. Whether that is taking over household duties or being an emotional crutch. My step daughter did get very intrusive and bossy with me when I had a baby with DP, she would immediately take over a mum role the second I was out of the room with the baby, in the way that a bossy MIL might.