Sex after step daughter moved in

[Rie482]

Hi guys,

Me and my partner have been together almost nine years and my step daughter to be is 16.

This year due to my step daughters mums mental break down in April, and following suicide in July, she moved in with us. Things are starting to slowly move into something like a normal family life. We're lucky that we get on really well most of the time, although it has been testing as we learn about ourselves and our personal spaces/boundaries.

The one thing that is starting to bother me is the fact my fiancé wants to hide the fact we have sex. Im 29 and he's 33 and we are hoping to start a family in the next year or so after the wedding. She isn't stupid, she knows we do it.

Due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiances consent, he won't have sex without a condom so I came off the pill years ago after taking it for nearly 10 years and I have no plans to go back on it.

His main thing is making sure she doesn't find anything that would suggest we have sex. We practice safe sex so we have condoms in the house but we can't buy them if she's shopping with us and god forbid if a wrapper isn't buried at the very bottom of the bin.

I'm just not used to having to hide the fact we have sex in my own home. I'm not suggesting we should go around shouting it for the roof tops, and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I do feel that we should her how being responsible and practicing safe sex is good and nothing to hide.

Has anyone else had a similar problem?

Oh boy.....

There must be someone decent who can look after this poor kid.

Her previous post again shows again it's all about op and her needs. In the same age but I would never act like this.

But she's not saying that her DSD isn't allowed to need support - I read that C&P'd post as the OP looking for support herself. Is she not allowed to do that, given that her life now involves caring for a recently bereaved child, and the challenges that brings? Or is she just meant to suck it up and not seek advice herself, in a safe environment where she won't be at risk of upsetting her DSD by voicing her feelings?

Her dad left his dd for a week after the suicide of her mum. No reasonable parent would do that unless it was essential for work , and I mean essential e.g. Armed forces. A business trip would be rearranged/cancelled if your dd was feeling abandoned.

Wow - you are really struggling with this situation and not surprisingly. Life doesn't prepare us for such situations. We have to make it up as we go along, and hope that we get it somewhere near right.

You have taken a bit of a bashing on this thread, and that is because of the way that you have worded your posts. You probably thought that you would be criticised if you made the post about you, and your needs but instead it looks as if you are being disingenuous.

Just be honest. You are 29, have taken your stepdaughter in to live with you, in very very difficult circumstances and you are struggling to get the balance right. She needs massive reassurance and love at the moment, and you don't want to sound selfish, but you are not sure that you are coping well with the unplanned changes to your life.

You still may not like the advice you get, but MN is a wise old place and you will get support and help if you keep it simple and honest.

HTH

Did you and her dad go on a holiday without her just after her mum committed suicide?

Please tell me I have misunderstood.

I'm just not used to having to hide the fact we have sex in my own home
Then I suspect you've never had children living with you.

Being discreet is different to hiding.
Both my DDs would have been mortified if I'd slung a couple of packs of three in my shopping trolley. They still would, come to think of it, even though they are totally aware of how they came to exist.
I too think there is something extremely cold about your post.

You'll have to be discreet when you have your own child OP, see this as practice.

Reading both the key points seem to be (bearing in mind its not even six months since the poor girl's mother commited suicide .):

-Daughter came to live with DF and OP after her mother had a mental break down.
-Mother committed suicide leaving a note alluding to the face that her DD was clearly happy with someone else making her mother feel not needed.
-After this the OP and the DF went on holiday for a week leaving their newly bereaved SD with someone else.
-DSD is not wanting to go out with friends etc (a common sign of grief) and this is thought be 'frustrating' for the OP.
-DSD wants to be close to OP, hugging and asking questions about what's for dinner, wanting to spend time with her instead of friends and this is annoying OP as she is 'not a hugger' and her DH is the only person she really 'likes to show affection to'.
-OP made the post about needing her space because of these issues and feels she has no control over her life.
-Op then made a post about how her husband wants to hide condoms and wrappers and their sex life from their daughter and how this is 'nothing to hide'.
-Op is also planning for children during this time.

Think that covered it all.

*fact, not face.

You're not married are you? Stop referring to her as your stepdaughter, she isn't.

I have 3 DC, eldest same age as your SD. We've never bought condoms when they're with us, and made very sure any evidence of their use/disposal is well hidden. Why on earth would they need to see that?? They know we have sex given that I had them and there's a big age gap between 2nd DC and 3rd. But even before the kids, wrappers and used condoms were very well disposed of. Wouldn't have wanted visitors or family members seeing anything.

Poor kid :(

"You're not married are you? Stop referring to her as your stepdaughter, she isn't"

That really is utter bollocks!

Oh fgs! It really is not difficult to but condoms when the 16 year old isn't with you.

This sounds like you wanting to assert yourself and make a point of not "pandering" to your step daughter.

This may seem too obvious to need pointing out but 4 months after her mother killed herself is not the time for this!

Dear lord, I'm not reading op is being selfish in the light of her first thread. I was going to say something else as a child, who lost their father at 16.

However, instead I will add that op, you are doing a much better job with this bereaved girl than my mother ever did for me when my father died quite suddenly when I was 16. She never once consoled or cuddled me, never dried my tears or talked about him to me. The most painful thing she said was that she never told him I'd lost my virginity as it "would have destroyed him" and how upset he was that I ignored him in town once the year before he died. (Not my finest moment, I know: I was all teenage angst and embarrassment). Anyone, who came to visit the house were there to support her and give her comfort. Right down to the GP, whom I went to see in some medical matter a couple of months after his death and he was also more concerned about her than me. I imagine they all assumed she was there to support her two children and they were there for her. You do not sound selfish or self centred, more a young woman with too much thrust on her shoulders and not enough support. I really think you could do with some counselling or RL support yourself op.

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. I hope that you can see how well you are doing compared to others. My mother is a narcissist btw and this isn't an overused word when it comes to her.

As for the condoms, either dp or you go to the shops alone. I would also put plans of pregnancy on hold for a while. And perhaps put the wedding on hold, although, it may actually solidify you as a family and contemplate having her as bridesmaid.

Thank you for posting ops other thread Ginger.

You sound very heartless. It's all about you and what you want/need.
You need to put her first.
That's what any kind parent would do.

i'm not sure her father should have left her just after her mother's death. It really depends how supportive her grandparents are. I think you should both apologise to her for that. It sounds like a big lapse of judgement.

Can't believe her dad went away after her mother died.

Shit. That is really really bad op. You need to see this.

This year due to my step daughters mums mental break down in April, and following suicide in July, she moved in with us.

Due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiances consent,

These sentences sound a bit off because you're saying your husband didn't want her as she wouldn't be here if her Mum didn't trick him, and when you say she's living with you due her mum not being here, it sounds like she'd never have been living with you if her Mum was alive. I hope this girl isn't picking up on these undertones.

Biology works the same way for every human, if you have unprotected sex with a woman, there's a good chance a baby could happen. If your partner didn't want a baby with his ex, he had options, condoms or abstaining. He's actually doing the right thing in taking responsibility for his own fertility now in not having unprotected sex with you. It's not about you, he doesn't want a baby right now and is trying to make sure he doesn't have one. Good on him.

Once that baby is here, he has as much responsibility for her as her Mum, when you met him, the arrangment may have been every weekend or whatever, but as he is equally a parent, he will have known that there was always a chance he'd have his daughter full time, circumstances change and there's many reasons she could have come to live with her father without her Mum dying. When you have a child, they come first, you can't make choices based on your own feelings and wants alone as you have to consider someone else. It applies to partners of people with children to a degree too. You can't plan your whole future based on step daughter never living with her Dad. It sounds like it's something neither of you ever considered could (or wanted to) happen, which can be hurtful to her.

She's lost her Mum,
She's lost the home she shared with her Mum,
She's learning how to fit in a new household with new rules,
She's coming to terms with knowing her Mum won't be there for big life events.
She has a year full of firsts coming up, Christmas, birthday, mothers Day etc.
It's quite possible she may feel she wasn't enough for her Mum and if she's picking up on your attitude she may well be feeling not enough for her Dad either.

And you're complaining about not being able to buy condoms with the bread and milk? Given the changes and adapting she is going through, popping to the chemist on your own for condoms and putting used wrappers at bottom of bin, or in a bin in your own room isn't a big deal.

This girl needs her Dad's support, if you care about your partner and his Daughter you'll step back and let him do that.

Having read the full thread you sound very strange op. Bit heartless and unkind. She's lost her mum, you and her father go away on holiday and 4 months on you basically want her out of your way. I hope her father is more sensitive and I hope you don't get pregnant any time soon. Hope she gets through this okay

Bertrand it is not 'bollocks', she is clealry very competitive with this poor child and smacks of marking territory to me with the whole thing.

She is not married and has NO authority over this girl. The father does . End of.

Reported.

OP I'm deliberately being restrained here.

Your coldness and callousness are simply breathtaking - they literally shine through both of your posts. 'Just' this: 'This year due to my step daughters mums mental break down in April, and following suicide in July, she moved in with us. You write as if these are simply factual casual matters - not as if you are actually relaying something so utterly profound and devastating.

Ditto what appears to be your UTTER self-centredness.

This child went through the trauma of her Mother's breakdown (& presumably a period of MH issues leading up to that) and then lost her to suicide, the singular most traumatic loss possible. At 16. Whilst about to sit her GCSEs.

Child losing DM = horrific
Suicide = most traumatising cause of death possibly
Both of those together = a grief I cannot even begin to imagine

And you're worried about your 'space'? Your sex life? And fucking off on holiday? Please tell me you are on a sick wind-up here?

If not, then you need serious fucking help to get support ASAP in order that you grasp the primary person in this horrific situation is this poor child - not you.

on behalf of this child. You aren't going to take her needs into consideration for a second are you? You're sticking to pre-existing plans as if all is just the same, well it's not so give your head a wobble; shelf any plans for a new baby (FFS); and, ideally, don't fuck off on holiday and abandon her again (and no, she's not 'jokingly' saying you abandoned her when you did that - she's speaking her truth).

OP, I do understand it's difficult for you. Your life has been turned upside down, you have a teenager living with you, you need your space.
You are young yourself and it's hard to deal with all that.

Your DSD needs a lot of support. She does feel abandoned by her mother, you went on holiday and she felt abandoned again. She's not joking, she means it.