Sex after step daughter moved in

[Rie482]

Hi guys,

Me and my partner have been together almost nine years and my step daughter to be is 16.

This year due to my step daughters mums mental break down in April, and following suicide in July, she moved in with us. Things are starting to slowly move into something like a normal family life. We're lucky that we get on really well most of the time, although it has been testing as we learn about ourselves and our personal spaces/boundaries.

The one thing that is starting to bother me is the fact my fiancé wants to hide the fact we have sex. Im 29 and he's 33 and we are hoping to start a family in the next year or so after the wedding. She isn't stupid, she knows we do it.

Due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiances consent, he won't have sex without a condom so I came off the pill years ago after taking it for nearly 10 years and I have no plans to go back on it.

His main thing is making sure she doesn't find anything that would suggest we have sex. We practice safe sex so we have condoms in the house but we can't buy them if she's shopping with us and god forbid if a wrapper isn't buried at the very bottom of the bin.

I'm just not used to having to hide the fact we have sex in my own home. I'm not suggesting we should go around shouting it for the roof tops, and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I do feel that we should her how being responsible and practicing safe sex is good and nothing to hide.

Has anyone else had a similar problem?

Also sex is not essential anyway . You could give it up for 6 months surely or you move out for that period so the girl and her father have peace. Don't put yourself first all the time.

dan the OP has been in a relationship with the girl's dad for 8 years. They live together and are engaged. The girl is resident with them full time. I think she is considered to be the OP's stepdaughter.

The issue about the condoms and sex is, to me, less of an assertion of control and more of an unrealistic expectation of having the girl living with them and expecting her to just fit in and not have to adjust the way they go on together.

Wow. I truly have no words op.

The sensible thing for your partner to do would be to leave you and concentrate on his child before you completely destroy her. Anyone considering adding a baby to this situation is a fucking selfish idiot.

please do return op.

As someone who has lost someone in this way I can assure you this girl needs support! When she jokes you abandoned her I can bet she means it! And now you want to add a baby into the mix? Concentrate less on yourself and more on her and if you can't then you should at least be encouraging her dad to fix up and be what this poor girl needs

Hi guys,

I'm sorry if I have offended anyone. Trust me, I didn't mean any offence. I just needed to vent a small frustration out so it didn't spill out into the house because I obviously cannot express it at home. We've had a stressful year and it has been a huge change. No one expects this sort of thing to happen and there is no right way to handle your emotions during this time. I just needed to rant my silly thoughts in a space away from my family.

Life is completely different now and it has been a learning curve for all of us. Everything is done and decided on in consideration of my stepdaughter. She is receiving counselling, has her whole family around her at all times and she is very much loved. She is encouraged to express herself if she wants to and we are always open to her going out to see friends and family whenever she wants. If she wants or needs anything we are always there and she knows it. Whether or not you believe me, there is nothing that I wouldn't do for that girl. That said, I can't lose myself in the process because then I wouldn't be any use to her in the hard times.

To those who aren't happy that I've been calling her my stepdaughter, she calls me her step mum and has done so well before we got engaged. We haven't put wedding plans on hold as she is a bridesmaid and she wants to be a part of it. She wouldn't in a million years want us to cancel anything and often tells us how excited she is about it. She's being involved greatly with the planning of it and her thoughts and inputs are always being considered.

has her whole family around her at all times

But you left her for a week to go on holiday??

You also say you're always there for her etc but you said you've been pushing her away when she's been cuddling up to you and complaining when she comes to you to talk and when she is hugging you through the day. Can't you see how you're contradicting yourself?

I agree you have made two conflicting posts and do seem to be centred soley on your own needs which is why so many of us have picked up on it.

A holiday she told us to go on after we said we'd stay and she spent the week with her much loved grand parents. Before everything happened she would stay with us once a week and her grand parents at least once a week because she had such a turbulent relationship with her mum. She has been with us every night since and hasn't asked to stay at her grandparents for a weekend or a week like she routinely did with her mum.

I still think you shouldn't have gone, she probably felt she couldn't say if your attitude towards her was that of not wanting to hug and so self centered as it is; clearly she was unhappy if she still mentions the abandonment stuff. I'm sure she is 'joking' but probably means it very seriously as others have said.

You also said in the previous post 'we don't go out often but when we do' so clearly there are times when you leave her. These times you have said she also talks about you abandoning her.

You've also said in your update about losing yourself etc - still leading the topic back to you. You just sound so callous when you list it all together as I did earlier. Thinking about your sex life, your wedding, your planning for a baby, going on holiday, going out, being frustrated with her not going out, coming to you to talk and her wanting to have close contact with you like hugs. I understand it is a difficult thing to adjust to but you have to remember 4 months ago she lost her mother, probably had an awful time prior to that with the MH problems in the household and is now trying to adjust to a new home.

I'd like to point out I haven't never said that I was pushing her away. I've never said that I don't hug her or give her what she needs - all I have ever said is that I needed space. It's something that I haven't forced I just go for a bath occasionally or go to the gym for an hour. That's about it so it's frustration that sometimes comes out harshly when written in the heat of the moment

I didn't mean pushing her away physically, just emotionally etc.

I do tell her to stop it when it gets to much You said this about her hugging you.

I do tell her to stop it when it gets to much You said this about her hugging you

Have you never felt "touched out" before? I'm not a touchy feely person either, and I can see how the OP would want her own physical space.

I know that too but when a child who has just lost a mother comes to you for a hug and for comforting I think the last thing you should do is to tell her to stop and that its too much. I think I heard somewhere that you should never be the first one to pull away from a hug with your child because you don't know how much that child needs your comfort.

There are often posts from mothers of toddlers who do feel touched out.
It happens, its normal.
OP seems overwhelmed.
Does DSD get hugs from her dad as well?

I would have thought being touched out is a maybe the case but I saw this:

My fiancé is the only one I really like to show affection to

And I think its a lot lower threshold than normal.

At that age (and now), I'd rather be dead than be subjected to seeing my parents buy condoms. Truly mortifying. In the same way that I wouldn't advertise my sex life to my mother, I'd hope she had the same respect for me.

And yes, considering having a baby right now would be selfish. Your stepdaughter needs the attention at the moment.

And considering your previous post about your stepdaughter, I'm just starting to think you're a bit of a miserable wench, to be honest.

Oh.

I really hope OP is trying all she can to comfort her DSD.

When she told us to go she said it because she was fed up of people tiptoeing around her and treating her differently. She made the decision and we listened. We were in constant contact and only 2 hours away by plane.
Also, When your 16 year step daughter is sat in your lap and crawling all over you like a three year old sometimes you need set some boundaries. Since I first posted that post she no longer crawls over me like that because I told her politely that particular habit was too much. Today I have spent the whole day on the sofa in my pjs with her. Just a minute ago we were doing a stupid hugging dancing thing that we have done several times today. We often have days like these but I do still need my space - so today when I needed my space I went for a bath and she watched a tv program.

She's 16 not 6 I'm almost certain she is fully aware you guys are bumping uglies. Granted don't throw it in her face, literally, but unless your planning on doing it on the kitchen table during meal times I'm not sure why she would be bothered.

Sounds like you guys have been together a while, if your partner wants to be discreet that's understandable. Imagine at the age of 16 if you found used condom wrappers that your parents had used. shudder.

Fact of the matter she lost her mother in the most tragic of ways because it was decision made by her mother in what was likely her darkest hour, your dsd most likely blames herself most likely just went to held by you. = It is clear by her comment she was upset you still went ahead with the trip, she most likely said to go because she might of thought as adults you would of considered her needs before yourselves. It is very comfortable the coldness you display when you talk about her mother, you didn't come on her to discuss what you could to do in order to help your dsd but how your sex life was being affected, words astounded many on here because the priority should of been focused on her not your personal needs and how she is getting in the way of them.

This poor girl. I have a DD the same age.

I'm speechless that hiding or not hiding sex is your priority, given everything she's been through.

It's very disturbing.

How would a 16 year old who'd just lost their mum really know what they want? In that situation I wouldn't have gone on the holiday.