Sex after step daughter moved in

[Rie482]

Hi guys,

Me and my partner have been together almost nine years and my step daughter to be is 16.

This year due to my step daughters mums mental break down in April, and following suicide in July, she moved in with us. Things are starting to slowly move into something like a normal family life. We're lucky that we get on really well most of the time, although it has been testing as we learn about ourselves and our personal spaces/boundaries.

The one thing that is starting to bother me is the fact my fiancé wants to hide the fact we have sex. Im 29 and he's 33 and we are hoping to start a family in the next year or so after the wedding. She isn't stupid, she knows we do it.

Due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiances consent, he won't have sex without a condom so I came off the pill years ago after taking it for nearly 10 years and I have no plans to go back on it.

His main thing is making sure she doesn't find anything that would suggest we have sex. We practice safe sex so we have condoms in the house but we can't buy them if she's shopping with us and god forbid if a wrapper isn't buried at the very bottom of the bin.

I'm just not used to having to hide the fact we have sex in my own home. I'm not suggesting we should go around shouting it for the roof tops, and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I do feel that we should her how being responsible and practicing safe sex is good and nothing to hide.

Has anyone else had a similar problem?

No-one wants to think about their parents having sex. Do you, OP?
Yes, contraception is a part of a responsible relationship, but so is discretion. You can talk to her about these things, she doesn't need to see physical evidence.
Condoms in bedside drawer and bin.
I think your DP sounds considerate.

I with your dp on this one. Of course she's probably aware you are having sex but there's no need to advertise it. Buying condoms in her presence would be embarrassing for her, finding one in the bin would be even worse. Order your condoms online if you have to. It's not difficult to be discrete about it.

due to my step daughters mums mental breakdown in April and following suicide in July

There's something really off about your phrasing, OP, which makes me feel very uncomfortable about your post.

You clearly have no experience of teens if you think slinging condoms in the weekly shopping trolley is the norm!

I'm with your dh on this one and yes, very glad he makes sure the used condoms are well hidden it would be pretty grim to discover your dad's used johnnies!!

Normal family life with a traumatised teen really?

Due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiances consent

Unless she poked holes in his condom or something...

Why should she see condom wrappers? Or the boxes of condoms her DF/DSM buy? That girl has just lost her mother. Being a teen is hard. And she is probably already more likely to hurt/kill herself.

Have some compassion. Do you want the wrappers to be on top of the bin?

Why can't you just buy condoms on the way to or from work?

I am finding this whole thread quite disturbing.

A 16 year old girl has just lost her mother by suicide and you are worried about condom wrappers?

Seriously?

ItShouldHaveBeenJess - I am glad you said this. I felt the same way too.

actually so am I Mindtrope.
she refers to her stepdaughter's mother's suicide very casually doesnt she?
then something about her stepdaughter being sprung on her poor DP?
its all just a bit.....off.

Me too, Mindtrope.

I'm not sure why posters are bothered about the OP "only" being 13 years older than the stepdaughter, her dad is only 17 years older.

I'm sure if you popped a box discretely in the trolley st the supermarket it wouldn't be a big problem - same as picking up some feminine wash or similar

Do you have teens?

Yes, I agree with mindtrope.

This makes me quite uncomfortable. Poor DSD

Due to the fact her mum planned her at a very young age without my fiances consent

He told you this, did he?

he won't have sex without a condom

If only he'd taken responsibility for his own contraception when he was 16, eh.

As for the rest of your post, I think he's right to prioritise her feelings at the moment, given what she's been through.

BratFarrarsPony mmm?

Trip trap?

one wonders Mindtrope, indeed.

I also agree with mindtrope this is the second post about her DSD and the fact her mother commited suicide but it's all about op and her needs, not how she could best handle the situation for her DSD and support her. There seems to an element of coldness and no compassion to her DSD situation that she lost the one person who brought her into the world who she could confine in.

I think condom wrappers are the least of your worries.

She's at a vulnerable age, has been though a very traumatic event, she'll be all ever the place psychologically, and with good reason.

You don't want your sex life disrupted, but give her some time and space, her dad's sex life really isn't the biggest of priorities.

Buy your condoms when you go shopping on your own.
And I do hope you're not flushing the used ones them down the loo, having
the plumber round will be excruciatingly mortifying.

Sounds like this is one of the situations we end up hoping is a troll because if it's real it's just too depressing.

Massively uncomfortable about this thread too. OP, sorry to say this, but you need to grow up... Fast...

I don't know a single parent who would want their child to see used condoms. What are you thinking? What is so hard about hiding them?

I don't understand what any of the grim detail added really - especially the "facts" around the poor girl's conception.

Surely "My 16 yo step daughter lives with us and her father doesn't want to leave his spermy used condoms on top of the bin or buy anal beads when our shopping with her. Has anyone else had a similar problem?" would have done the trick?

This is the OPs other post about this situation for those of you wondering:

Hi,

I'm 29 years old and I have a stunning step daughter who is 16 who I've known since she was 8. Her dad had her when he was young and I've been lucky because we have always been close and I will do absolutely anything for her.

Things the last couple of months have been super hard. Back in April her Mum had a mental breakdown and we had her move in with us while she was doing her GCSEs to give her some much needed stability. She was doing well and seemed a lot happier and relaxed with us so there was an assumption/possibility that she would come and live with us. I was up for that and there was a lot of conversation between me and my fiancé about it.

Then, just after her last exam, her mum committed suicide in her own mothers home with her 10 year old niece downstairs. She left behind horrible perfectly written notes to everyone close to her, telling my step daughter that she was happier with us so she didn't need to be around any more. I cannot think how her mum was feeling and what she was going through to do that to herself. Knowing mental illness, as it is runs through my family, I know we will never truly know what led her down that path and I feel so sorry for her because she saw that as the only path out.

I'm heart broken to think that her mum won't be there this Christmas, and her next birthday. She will never be at her wedding, meet the love of her life and meet her children. She won't see how amazing she will be when she grows up.

But now we are dealing with the aftermath of her decision and it's hard. My step daughter is in denial - she isn't talking to anyone from her mums side of the family, she spends all her time with us and she doesn't really seem to be grieving when you talk to her. she has just started counselling that we have arranged for her but she is already starting to fight that saying she doesn't know how long she is going to go for.

I understand she just doesn't want to confront the pain but it needs to come out because her avoidance techniques are getting to me. This is where I feel horrible for getting incredibly frustrated.

She won't go out and see her friends because apparently we live too far away (one 10 min bus journey from where she used to live). Whenever we go out somewhere with our friends she is always asking if she has been invited too. We don't go out often but when we do she makes us feel guilty by jokingly saying that we are abandoning her. We had a trip already planned and payed for before the death of her mum and she is still telling people now that we abandoned her when we bring it up in conversation with people. We were gone a week and she was with her grandparents!

My main thing is that I'm not a much of a hugger at all. My fiancé is the only one I really like to show affection to and even then it's not too smothering. When my Step daughter used to stay with us once a week, I wouldn't mind lounging on the sofa and have a hug but now she is with us permanently it as if I have turned into a on tap hug monster. A couple of weeks ago I was ill with labyrinthis, unable to move without feeling like the world was spinning, and she'd come into the lounge and announce 'hugs'. She asked me repeatedly what's for dinner and sit all over me while I'm stuck on the sofa. I do tell her to stop it when it gets to much but I think her mum was super affectionate and I'm just not. While I've been writing this she has come into my bedroom twice just to complain to me that she doesn't want to go out and see her boyfriend or friends today. 'Why can't I have a lazy day'. 'Ugh, I don't want to have to walk.'

I need my space. So much much more space than she is giving me and I feel horrible because I am starting to crack under the strain. I don't feel like I can talk to my other half about it because he is stressed out about how she is coping and with the pressures of a new job. At the end of the day, it's his daughter and she is grieving. It's not a usual situation that I can just talk my way through and I'm left feeling like I have absolutely no control over my own life.

Oh dear lord.

That girl lost her mother in horrible circumstances, it's not about you, OP.