Why is the new wife / stepmum ALWAYS wrong?

[milkyface]

I've read a few threads on this in the last few weeks, and I can't honestly get over some of the responses.

Step mums (and potentially dads but it's usually step mums who write the op) are always wrong according to at least half (probably more) of mumsnet.

You see your stepchild often - you are too involved and should let the, have dad - child time on their own.

You don't see your stepchild often - you are not interested and your stepchild will know you don't like them

You have your own child from a previous relationship - focus on them and leave dad and stepchild to it

You don't have your own child - well you obviously know nothing about parenting

You have a baby with a man that has children already - you've ruined his current children's lives

You speak to the ex - you are too involved and over step the line

You don't speak to the ex - you should communicate better

You help your dp/dh with childcare - no you are too involved your significant other should give up work immediately and spend all his time with his child and not you

You don't help - you don't like your stepchild, you are selfish, you should act like part of the family

You have a good relationship with your stepchild - you have overstepped the line you are not their mum or their friend

You are not overly fond of your step child - you are pure evil and that's that

Oh and last but not least...... You knew what you were getting yourself into

Oh and let's not even get into maintenance, or the fact that obviously ex's are never wrong, never abusive, never threatening and always perfect mums who only want the best for their kids.

Rant over

And before you say it I know all step mums are not great and not all mums are shits I'm just saying mumsnet seems to think all mums are great and all step mums are shits

I'm not a step mum, and as I'm still with my dd's father, she doesn't have a step mum. And as my own mum and dad are still together, I don't have a step mum either. So I speak as a completely dispassionate observer of these threads.

I think the OP is right, a lot of the responses to step mums are excessively harsh and very inconsistent. My impression is that there is a lot of projection going on by people who have been hurt. It's understandable but not always helpful.

I get how difficult it must be to hand over your kids to another woman. Totally get it. That's one reason why I've always been determined to work through any difficulties with DH as I don't want to find myself in that situation. (BTW, I'm not for a moment suggesting that everyone can or should be able to work through marital problems as I'm well aware that it's not always an option - or the right option.)

At the same time, I think it must be incredibly hard to take on someone's kid. To tread that balance between being caring, interested and responsible without crossing the line into being interfering/over-involved. Really bloody difficult.

It's a tough situation all round. We can only hope that the majority of people will try to take a step back from their own feelings and do whatever is best for the kids.

The posts that degenerate in unpleasantness are usually the ones where it goes beyond conflict and where the animosity is so strident that it elicits a natural sense of defensiveness towards the person being attacked even if they might indeed be horrible

If someone posts animosity and even hatred towards a person due to their behaviour, then surely that's an indication of how hurt and distressed that person is?
Wading in and defending the aggressor is not supportive.

There is a oft-expressed assumption that the stepmum must be exaggerating, that what she's posted 'doesn't make any sense', that she is unjustified in her feelings of hurt.

While threats of violence and revenge may be morally questionable no matter what has been done to the stepmum, it takes a particular type of person to turn the other cheek and not react internally.

In particular, if a stepmums own DCs have been caught up and hurt in a conflict, that is particularly hard to react rationally to.

I have tolerated an awful lot from DHs ex - it was when her behaviour and that of DHs DCs put my relationship with my own DD at risk that my feelings towards them became those of anger.

I think if you're basing reality on posts on here, you'll get a tainted vision. Most posts are about a problem. You won't get millions of people posting when things are all good

NN, I think there is a difference between hatred towards the ex and hatred towards the child. I personally think that how horrible a child is, they remain the innocent party and the victim because they have no control over their environment.

I have to say that I have read some posts where I have refrained to write 'poor kid' but had the thought. To me, some posts read as if the SM only took the child with the father because she had no choice, but if that choice would be given, would be over the moon not to have the child. That's fine to feel this way, but it is hard not to project this feeling into the child, even if you believe you are hiding it.

As a mum, I would never have moved in with someone I didn't feel totally confident that they were happy to take the kids, warts and all with me. If they were only going to tolerate them, constantly dreaming of what a wonderful life it would be without them, I would have had to give up on the relationship because I couldn't bear seeing my kids self esteem affected by someone who wished they didn't exist.

I personally think that how horrible a child is, they remain the innocent party and the victim because they have no control over their environment.

The problem for a lot of us is when the SC can be held accountable. At what age (if ever) is their behaviour no longer excusable?

This has been an ongoing conundrum for me because not only are DHs DCs innocent victims but also his exW - she was herself caught between warring parents. Does that give her a "get out of jail free" card? And what about adult DSCs - at what point can they be held accountable for their conduct towards their DSMum?

To me, some posts read as if the SM only took the child with the father because she had no choice, but if that choice would be given, would be over the moon not to have the child.

I don't think that's often the case. I think what happens all too often is that the situation changes. An initial honeymoon period is followed by a period of drama and chaos, which culminates in the stepmum feeling relieved when contact breaks down, or even wishing it would.

I've cringed about some of the posts on parenting forum, where parents have said some awful things about their kids. Sometimes it is clear that the parent has been pushed to the end of their tether, sometimes it is not so clear and it is uncomfortable. Yet I rarely, if ever, see a parent challenged there.

There is a big difference posting as a SM. Which is down to assumptions being made from the off, unfortunately.

Perhaps we should challenge our own parenting more. Most of my difficulties with my DSC were from their own parents not pulling their weight as parents.

The problem for a lot of us is when the SC can be held accountable. At what age (if ever) is their behaviour no longer excusable?
Totally agree with this question. I agree with you that there is an age when you would expect to be responsible for their actions, but I think that age is difficult to ascertain because it's not just about the age but also the history behind.

My view is that I wouldn't expect a teenager to become accountable before trying to understand what has led them to be such unpleasant being and that this unpleasantness goes beyond that of normal teenage years.

I am having a bad time with my teenagers this week. I have to balance making them accountable for their selfishness against the fact that they are good kids overall and teenagers ARE selfish. Expecting them to reflect on their actions and realise that they taking me for granted...mmm, I am not living in hope, but maybe my expressing my exasperation might hit the button a bit later!

The difficulty experienced by SM is that understandably, they take bad behaviour more personally. I tried to imagine how I would feel today if my kids were my SC, and yes, I think I would be more inclined to see their behaviour as a rebellion against me personally, then I do as a mum because I do know that however badly they are treating me, they do love me and wouldn't act like that just to hurt my feelings. Feeling hurt is a consequence of it.

As a result, it is easier for a SM to feel resentment back when mothers just move on with a smile and put it down to 'typical teenage behaviour that they will grow out of'. Unfortunately, resentment becomes a vicious circle, so indeed, it might very well be that the behaviour of some kids than becomes personal.

Sometimes it is clear that the parent has been pushed to the end of their tether, sometimes it is not so clear and it is uncomfortable. Yet I rarely, if ever, see a parent challenged there.
I don't often go there, but I have read threats from mothers when I felt exactly the same and responded to in the same manner.

As a step mum sometimes it feels like my DH and his ex want to pick and choose the bits they want me to do and depending on what they want from me I go from having responsibilities to it being none of my business. I'm also expected to do the bits neither bio parent wants to do.

From my experience as a SM all issues have been from his ex wife being unpleasant and DH being laid back. My DSS is a normal little boy and sometimes he is a bit cheeky but sweet. Ultimately atep parents have limited say and therefore can only do limited things. Tell my hubby if he wants his son and our daughter together to be treated the same by me he has to respect I get half say.

Interesting, user. In the early days of being a stepmother I often found myself picking up the bits of parenting that neither DP nor exW had cherry-picked. I think it's quite common. I had to do a lot of pushback, which basically meant DP learning to do things he hadn't even realised existed ;). The DSSs had a FT nanny back then, which took a lot of pressure off, but I still thought it was too easy for stuff to get pushed onto me. I did put my foot down quite vociferously.

Also completely agree with situations changing. I made an effort to try and be friends with DH ex and she would lash out if I did not do something she wanted eg go to church.

I get given ahard time by DH ex and he does not stick up for me so since having my own baby I've held back.

As a step mum sometimes it feels like my DH and his ex want to pick and choose the bits they want me to do and depending on what they want from me I go from having responsibilities to it being none of my business.

And there in lies the real problem. Most of the SM's I know feel like this and if the parents themselves can't decide how the SM fits into the family unit then how on earth are the DC's and SM meant to? This leads to inconsistent or challenging behavior from the DC's which is either defended by DD or DM depending on their particular stance at the moment in time SM feeling resentful and bitter (more often than not about the situation rather than any of the real people involved) this often does come across as resenting DC's. Then when SM has enough and wants to be taken seriously or will disengage she is the unreasonable one and faces criticism.

You would think that in today's society where it must be more the norm to be part of step family than not there would be less judgement, however, maybe the fact that it is more common or more talked about raises the profile of step families and the underlying level of difficulties step families face.

You would think that in today's society where it must be more the norm to be part of step family than not there would be less judgement, however, maybe the fact that it is more common or more talked about raises the profile of step families and the underlying level of difficulties step families face.

I hope so. Definately need more support out there. DH takes things personally when I try and talk to him.

Also I know he loves his son and our daughter equally but there is so much guilt with his son. Nine year old boy never gets reminded to be polite or tify up his mess or do homework but I "spoil" five month old baby girl by cuddling her when she cries.

Ghostqueen The thing is the guilt will not go away but it is his guilt and his alone. You can be accepting of this but not enabling.

DH takes things personally when I try and talk to him. Thing is he probably takes it personally because it is personal (and I bet he genuinely does not see what he does). The biggest argument in our house is because I do not think DH does his share of the disciplining. He will do drop offs and pick ups and any medical or school appointments BUT if my DS does something wrong instead of telling him, he tells me. If his DC's do something wrong - he moans to me. It made me feel shit. Here I was doing what I felt was the bulk of actual parenting (joke that me and his ex co-parent more than the two of them as she does all the day in day out crap and then I pick up where she leaves off EW). He gets really defensive when I pull him up on double standards and deferring to me because I take it personally because to me it is question my parenting skills (it is never how do we tackle it) and that is something that I take really personally, same with him obviously. It has taken us years to get to this point of understanding though and are now more aware of the impact that this has on us as a couple and in turn the DC's.

Not sure that actually makes sense reading it back sorry

I agree that StepMums do get a hard time on here.

Ages ago I posted about a discipline conflict DH and I had about DSS, in AIBU. It was about DSS getting in serious trouble at school, DH still took him out that evening to a concert they had planned to go to. I felt that as he was in that much trouble he should not go, as I would have done with my kids. I did not think it was a step parenting issue, so referred to DSS as DS. I got lots of support for my view that he should not have gone. Then I mentioned that I was him step mum, the posts changed and I started to be the bad guy and DH became a 'disney' dad.

Another time, years ago, I posted in step parenting, that we were moving house and DH was away with work and I was expected to have DSS for that week, as well as my kids and move house. As DSS's mother also had to go away with work. At the time DSS would not listen to me. so I had refused. I was slated for expecting my DH to put me before his DS, for knowing what I was getting into when I met him and even though we had been married 10 years I was referred to as the new GF. DSS was referred to as a poor child.

*As a step mum sometimes it feels like my DH and his ex want to pick and choose the bits they want me to do and depending on what they want from me I go from having responsibilities to it being none of my business.

And there in lies the real problem. Most of the SM's I know feel like this and if the parents themselves can't decide how the SM fits into the family unit then how on earth are the DC's and SM meant to? This leads to inconsistent or challenging behavior from the DC's*

I do very much agree with the above. And I have struggled in the past to articulate this. The ExW really took against me when I asked her to at least give me notice if she was to send the (four) kids to our house when DP was out working. I was a SAHM then with a baby.

I had this so many times before feeling able to stick up for myself. I was then immediately branded a wicked step mother. Even my DP asked why I would 'reject' his kids like that. What struck me was that no one even thought to question how his kids felt being 'sent' to our house any time the ExW felt like it, often if she was in a mood, wanted to tidy the house, or had her boyfriend around.

It's just an example of how quickly everything seems to be blamed or turned on the SM. It's surprising how common it is.

even though we had been married 10 years I was referred to as the new GF.

Sadly, that's not unique to MN. I was referred to as DHs new g/f in a CAFCASS report written by a social worker, who based his judgement of me on DHs ex's comments about me when he met her.

When the report was challenged by DH ( we'd been together for 5 years and married for 2 at that point), the SW claimed it was valid to leave that description in the report as it was DSSs "perception" that I was his dad's new girlfriend.

Never mind the fact that at 10 years old, he couldn't actually remember a time when I'd not been a part of his dad's life.

It was a very clear example of the social conditioning associated with stepmums. Because DHs ex was ranting about me, upset, and referring to me as the OW, the SW immediately formed an opinion of me, without ever meeting me, or even determining the facts independently. He automatically assumed that the split was recent, that DH and I had got together soon after, and that DHs ex's anger towards me was totally justified.

If that's how difficult it is for a professional to set aside the social conditioning they've experienced, there's no chance of expecting lay-users of a parenting website to be able to.

I was also told by DP and his ExW that the step kids being sent to our house, when I was the sole adult in charge (ages 9 to 16), was 'none of my business'.

Now I've never quite worked one out!

Obviously I did start to assert myself, especially after one or two incidents that I had to deal with. However all the bad feeling that results from this denial of the SM has taken a toll, and crucially I feel, had a bad effect on the DSCs themselves.

NNChange That again is a total denial of your importance in the step child's life, by making out that you are 'just a GF'. I don't know whose long term purposes it serves though. You are a reality. No amount of downplaying or downgrading, even by SW, can change that.

I don't know whose long term purposes it serves though.

In our case, It serves DHs ex's purpose - whose own childhood experience of her father remarrying and her mother refusing to permit his new wife to have contact with his DCs moulded her own expectations of life after divorce.

I may be a reality, even she can't erase me from the world, but in order to protect the DCs, I am certainly not important in their lives. Not anymore.

*To me, some posts read as if the SM only took the child with the father because she had no choice, but if that choice would be given, would be over the moon not to have the child.

I don't think that's often the case. I think what happens all too often is that the situation changes. An initial honeymoon period is followed by a period of drama and chaos, which culminates in the stepmum feeling relieved when contact breaks down, or even wishing it would.*

I'd agree with this too. In fact I think it is the other way around. There is more investment from SMs towards their DSCs on the whole at first. If you think about it, we as women often feel like social relationships are our responsibility. And also, we want to be accepted by our partners children. We want some kind of bond or relationship so that it feels harmonious with our partners. What SM really wants animosity or being ignored?

As a step child, there isn't the same level of expectation or hopes. What child is motivated to have a positive relationship with their Dads partner? It is their own parents that matter to them, understandably.

I know that this was true for me. I am the one who feels sad that my step kids and me didn't develop a bond. It does put a strain on me and DPs relationship. We both wanted it to feel closer. My step kids don't feel sad in the slightest! Which is normal probably.

But yes, with my older DSD it got to the point where I felt that not only was she openly ignoring me or jumping down my throat if I did anything she didn't like, but she was also doing that to my son, to an extent that I thought it wasn't fair to put my son through that kind of atmosphere in HIS own home. So I was relieved that she left if she wasn't going to change. It in no way was because I wanted her gone from the start. A very common and very wrong assumption!

It is a thankless job on the whole.

My DSCs mother has all her friends and family thinking I'm the biggest cunt on the planet. Conveniently they all forget the times I've helped her (babysat her kid that was not my DHs so she could go to a job interview, helped her with college work to resit GCSEs, etc etc)
Yet one of her children now lives under my roof and is NC with her because her behaviour regarding me and my DH is so completely and utterly vile. Being nice does not always pay (I always thought she was a two faced bitch who would shag my DH behind my back given half a chance) but I was sickeningly nice and helpful for the sake of my DSCs - wasted a lot of time