Why is the new wife / stepmum ALWAYS wrong?

[milkyface]

I've read a few threads on this in the last few weeks, and I can't honestly get over some of the responses.

Step mums (and potentially dads but it's usually step mums who write the op) are always wrong according to at least half (probably more) of mumsnet.

You see your stepchild often - you are too involved and should let the, have dad - child time on their own.

You don't see your stepchild often - you are not interested and your stepchild will know you don't like them

You have your own child from a previous relationship - focus on them and leave dad and stepchild to it

You don't have your own child - well you obviously know nothing about parenting

You have a baby with a man that has children already - you've ruined his current children's lives

You speak to the ex - you are too involved and over step the line

You don't speak to the ex - you should communicate better

You help your dp/dh with childcare - no you are too involved your significant other should give up work immediately and spend all his time with his child and not you

You don't help - you don't like your stepchild, you are selfish, you should act like part of the family

You have a good relationship with your stepchild - you have overstepped the line you are not their mum or their friend

You are not overly fond of your step child - you are pure evil and that's that

Oh and last but not least...... You knew what you were getting yourself into

Oh and let's not even get into maintenance, or the fact that obviously ex's are never wrong, never abusive, never threatening and always perfect mums who only want the best for their kids.

Rant over

And before you say it I know all step mums are not great and not all mums are shits I'm just saying mumsnet seems to think all mums are great and all step mums are shits

children' thing but I've usually seen it criticised.
I've seen it and I might even have written it once or twice. That's because it is a fact often forgotten.

No it's not a fact. I had no idea. I knew he had children I met him he was delightful I thought great we get on etc. I didn't know his mother was going to an absolute nightmare. She could have (and was before she found out about me) been amicable.

It's bollocks saying you know what you're getting yourselves into. All you know is that person has children.

It's not as simple as don't post if you don't want other perspectives.

Step mums post here because they want advise from people in similar situations. I think we all accept anyone can post and that they have different opinions.

Its when those opinions are completely unhelpful and nasty. Mumsnet is for support after all not to call people out on how shit they are!

I think personal experience is going to colour people's views but seriously why bother posting if you don't actually have any advise you're just there to be negative
(I don't mean anyone in particular btw)

One person's unhelpful and nasty is another's honesty. Few people like to hear things which make them uncomfortable or make them realise that there might be another side to it which is reasonable.

Same with negativity...maybe sometimes a poster writes what they think needs to be heard? Being subtle, gentle, kind, just doesn't do it.

We can all be unreasonable at times....it is not supportive to just blindly go along with it.m

You can be honest without being nasty. You can disagree and give a different opinion without being nasty. It's not hard.

I'm not saying anyone should blindly go along with anything. Have you actually read the op?

Don't post if you don't want to hear them.

So mothers are allowed to post but step mothers need to shut up?

This is mumsnet not 'step'mumsnet?

Milky - it's a bloody nightmare and I think you've made some really valid points. I'm a mum and a step mum and you just can't win.

As a mum - my ex is a compulsive liar. We split years ago. He's on new gf No 8 (av of about 1/year) and I'm not allowed to meet her as he's lied to her as he has everyone else. I'd love to meet her as most of my kids like her and it'd be easier communicating with her rather than listening to his crap. If she posted as a step mum I'd be painted as the worst mother in the world due to his lies. He pays absolute basic maintenance and puts his gf above the kids.

As a SM I can do no right either! The relationship between my DP and his ex has got noticeably worse since I came on the scene (2nd gf in 9 years and he was with the previous one for 5 years so hardly unstable). My SD's mum has put every obstacle in the way of my DP being a father because she cannot accept that they didn't work as a couple (faults on both sides). He pays a lot of maintenance on time every month and is desperate to spend more time with his daughter. If he asks for a date in advance it's too soon, if he leaves it and asks a week later they've 'got plans'. But apparently he's being difficult and has only started to do so since he's been with me. Everything I do or say is wrong and I've never even met or communicated with the woman!

Sorry - rant over! It's bloody hard being a SM at the best of times but especially on here!

Exactly Chloe I think it's hard on both sides!

On Mn though I don't think there is a lot of positivity towards step mums

Swing - I don't think it's fair to say SM are always defensive.
You're absolutely right, that was the wrong choice of adjective.

I think the issues you've addressed are more complexed when people talk about difficult situations and people form opinions based solely on what the op writes and updates given. Some have deserved the roasting they got others have been harshly judged. I think it's what works for that particular set up.

Im a mom my DH is a step dad to DS. My ex is married and we all are civil. Me and ex communicate directly to one another no need for our partners to get involved in the communication side of things but they both have some relationship with DS.

saw a thread the other day about if the second wife should be paying towards maintenance and a few posters thought that she should be.

Seriously? How can anyone think this is something that should be happening??

I don't think it helps when people are Ott negative towards sm.

Because when someone is being a horrible step parent when they are challenged other step parents come along and go on about everyone hates step parents.

There used to be a poster here who was actually scary in how much she hated her step DC. For a while any criticism of her was met with wahhh everyone here hates step mums. Eventually those people opened there eyes to what kind of person she was.

As a step mum, I feel comfortable enough to say 'I don't thin you're right maybe try this instead' or try give helpful advice.

I'm not gonna say oh ignore everyone Hun you're doing great if someone's being borderline neglectful.

It's when step mums are literally doing all they can snd struggling like hell and all they get met with barely any advice a and just get told theyre awful or shit or whatever.

Like it does seem on here whatever you're doing a handful if people will tell you you're wrong do the opposite. Yet you go on a thread where the op is doing the opposite to you and they're getting told (even sometimes by the same posters) to do what you're doing even though you're apparently wrong!

Step mums post here because they want advise from people in similar situations.
But why only from people in the same situation when others can maybe give another perspective to a problem?

I do agree that posts which are negative for the sake of being so are pointless and hurtful, but I do think it often helps to realise that there is almost always another perspective to our issue and the better we can understand it, the better we can assess the whole situation and act accordingly.

Having been here has helped understand better how my kids SM might feel. Actually, I'm surprised she doesn't seem to be annoyed about somethings which often seem to be an issue here and would annoy me if I was a SM. I guess that's because it's not just about being a mum vs a step-mum but also because different people just have different perceptions than us. They are some aspects of parenting that I probably would agree more with the kids' SM than my ex or even my OH.

So Im joining a bit late, but yes it's crazy how if you mention your a "stepmum" your never going to right. I could post

My children are driving me nuts I want to sell them on eBay.

I'd get loads of support as did the poster who said she detests her 2yr old

If I posted my step-children are driving me nuts, I want to sell them on eBay

I'd be EVIL! Wouldn't matter I spent the night the week before comforting a child because their mother saw them for two hours and got bored.

And let's face it, it didn't take long before some rather nasty poster posted

This is mumsnet not 'step'mumsnet?

Should I just fuck off into my box and not care about the children in my care?

It's bloody hard being a step-parent

I do think it's good to have different perspectives, but generally when you want advice on something, how to go about something you tend to want that advice from someone who's done it.

You want advice on how to lay a patio, you want advice from someone who's done that.

You want advice on how to deal with an abusive ex, or a Disney dad, you want advice from someone who's done that.

If you're posting in aibu then yes fully expect loads of people telling you how unreasonable you but imo that's not advice in most cases. You're asking an am I aren't I question.

Most threads on step parenting aren't asking that. They asking for help.

If you've been through that situation as a stepparent the child the ex whatever, fine post your advice if you think it's helpful, but it's not helpful to rip the shit out of someone or just say you're wrong but not expand on how you could change it or do it better.

There are a lot of people on here who are in the 'ex ' position who I am sure post on threads where step mums need help just to late out their hatred for their child's father and stepmum, that's not helpful for anyone involved!

IMO if someone asks for helps in stepparenting - unless you are constructive in your criticism and want to actually help then maybe you shouldn't comment

I wouldn't go onto the lone parent forum and spout a world of abuse

Not sure why lone parents feel the need to spout abuse at StepMums

Seriously? How can anyone think this is something that should be happening??

Some of us are old enough to remember when the partner/spouse of a NRP did have to provide details of their income to the agency responsible for assessing child maintenance.

It used to happen.

But why should a spouse of a NRP income be taken into account?

I don't think that is fair at all

And I say that as spouse of a RP

Op I think your being unfair to the exs ( the mums) I would like to think I can provide advice from the mums perspective on many things a SM may not of considered and how about dealing with mums feelings of another woman in their dcs life women tend to be highly emotional. Let's be honest it's rare to see a step dad posting about his difficulties it is majority SMs. I think this is what causes so many issues.

I have a reasonable civil interaction with ex and his DW she's even collected on occasion when he's finished late but I deal mostly with ex but both our partners remain civil. My ex if anything is more a less a stranger now to me but we aim to co-parent effectively. I feel if I can give any insight to help someone's else's situation I will offer advice.

But why should a spouse of a NRP income be taken into account?

It used to be, as it was used to assess a NRP ability to pay CM. If he was sharing his living expenses with his spouse, for instance, he was judged as having more capacity to pay.

This was changed some years ago - so long ago that all the DC's who were subject to those "rules" are now over the age of 18 - but there are many of s who can still remember how things used to be - often because a friend or relative was affected.

If I hadn't had subsequent involvement with the CSA under the new and new-new rules, I would probably think it still was done that way.

Op I think your being unfair to the exs ( the mums

LMFAO - do you think all these evil step mothers are with a NRP

I may have misjudged your post actually starry I really do think it's ok to hear a mums perspective

I'm probably guilty of this, not as a rp, but because my stepmother resented every penny and every minute that our dad spent on or with us. If she had been nicer I wouldn't feel like this.

I've only skimmed the thread but I just wanted to bob on and say my boys' stepmum is lovely. Their dad is a much better father for her being around and communication is a lot easier.
I really like her.
Not all stepmums are wrong all the time.

I understand the frustration though. DH has a hard time as a step-dad. It's a difficult place to be because the parent will always have the last word and the step parent never reaps the same rewards for the hard work they put it.

Hats off to those of you who are step-parents. I'm not sure I could do it with such good grace.