Why is the new wife / stepmum ALWAYS wrong?

[milkyface]

I've read a few threads on this in the last few weeks, and I can't honestly get over some of the responses.

Step mums (and potentially dads but it's usually step mums who write the op) are always wrong according to at least half (probably more) of mumsnet.

You see your stepchild often - you are too involved and should let the, have dad - child time on their own.

You don't see your stepchild often - you are not interested and your stepchild will know you don't like them

You have your own child from a previous relationship - focus on them and leave dad and stepchild to it

You don't have your own child - well you obviously know nothing about parenting

You have a baby with a man that has children already - you've ruined his current children's lives

You speak to the ex - you are too involved and over step the line

You don't speak to the ex - you should communicate better

You help your dp/dh with childcare - no you are too involved your significant other should give up work immediately and spend all his time with his child and not you

You don't help - you don't like your stepchild, you are selfish, you should act like part of the family

You have a good relationship with your stepchild - you have overstepped the line you are not their mum or their friend

You are not overly fond of your step child - you are pure evil and that's that

Oh and last but not least...... You knew what you were getting yourself into

Oh and let's not even get into maintenance, or the fact that obviously ex's are never wrong, never abusive, never threatening and always perfect mums who only want the best for their kids.

Rant over

And before you say it I know all step mums are not great and not all mums are shits I'm just saying mumsnet seems to think all mums are great and all step mums are shits

milky - I think you have some anger management issues. Try not to let yur prejudice to your DPs Ex cloud your judgement to all Exs.

My Exs DP was one of my close friends, I had known her for years - looked after her DCS, been on holiday together pre kids and post kids arriving - so yes she knew me.

Since he left I have spoken to her once, shephoned to ask if she could give one of my DCS some drugs as they were wheezing and were in the park with her and Ex - she swore at me, when I said no and told me I did not deserve him, it was her turn now - that was 4 yrs ago.

I have sent no texts, email, do not use facebook etc and have had no contact with her and do not wish to. I have not set eyes on her, nor do I wish to.

As to knowing the circumstances of every SM - no I do not. But there are some OPs whose timelines get very blurred and cagey about details. the odd person does admit it and I actually respect their honesty. Do not like the behaviour but at least accept theya re not hiding anything.

I was/am in a small group of single mums (8) who supported each other, baby sat, did the school run etc and met for a few bevvies once in a blue moon. We were all 1 yr post split 5/8 of us had our children going to their DF who was with the OW - 4 of us knew said person.

So my albeit small sample says it is more common than is admitted. At 4 yrs - 3 of us have just started to see someone, 1 has gone back to EX and 4 are still single mums. The EXs are no longer with 4/5 of the OW, one is on his 4 GF and the other, 1 got back with EX and the other 2 are single.

Experiences of the blended life were 4 had got it sorted pretty well by 2 yrs post split, 2 had a roller coaster and 2 ( me included) had hell for our DCs.

I have and will remain dignified in my silence, I pass no comment about her to family and only one friend has heard opinion on the matter and as she lives overseas and has never met OW.
I make no threats, smile blandly when she comes up in conversation with our still mutual friends and walk away. I answer our mutual friends questions about my alleged behaviour with simple answers - which usually start with "no I did not".
As the last accusation was about my verbal abuse to her down the phone whilst under general anaesthetic for 2 hours, with one mutual friend at hospital with me to verify this - most of our mutual friends now understand I am not lying!!!!!

Like you milky, I am the awful one - just the other side of the coin.

lookluv my dps ex punched him in the face in front of me and their child and I have anger management issues??????

I know full well all ex's aren't like dps ex. My mother for one was phenomenally patient when it came to my dad's shit parenting. She kept contact up he never paid her a penny. I had a lot of respect for dps ex before she started acting like she does now.

I know there are many shit step mums and many great mums but sometimes mums are shit and step mums are there to pick up the pieces.

I don't have anger issues so don't you dare try and tell me I do.

I have remained calm and dignified through a lot of shit

Ok - no anger management issues except on this forum when someone says something you disagree with - right!

Lookluv seriously

Go take your goady attitude elsewhere please

she phoned to ask if she could give one of my DCS some drugs as they were wheezing and were in the park with her and Ex - she swore at me, when I said no

Why on earth would you say no this this?

Why? Because neither of my DCS had asthma and had no drugs prescribed for them.

Her DCS did - would you agree for someone to give your DCS drugs that were not prescribed to them by a loon. She did not do that when we were friends -so why now. Their father was there, if they needed them he was quite capable of giving them if needed.

The phone call was to let me know they were out playing happy families and she was in control. Spoke to EX and the DCS - both were fine.

Your way or the high way then milky.

NN pointed out you can have a different opinion with out being quite so aggressive if you disagree.

Yeah but no but ......

There is no right or wrong, unless you are abusive in your relationships with your DSC, DC or what ever. What works for some but not for others - not all stepmums are shit, not all Exs are shit - a spectrum of black to white and a lot of grey in the middle.

I admire the energy that my EXs DP finds to be such a bitch - but then when you are on to the third marriage you have helped wreck - you pretty well know the routine down pat.

I don't get it either.

Why make an enemy of the woman who will be caring for your child part of the time?

Why show the new wife that your ex is right about you being a total fucking nightmare?

I am a step daughter and a step mother. I was always charming and inclusive to exs partners because I wanted them to protect my kids.

When they became ex's ex I kept inviting them to birthdays if they and the kids wanted it.

DPs ex is a pain in the butt! And is constantly shooting herself in the foot where I'm concerned. And effectively her kids suffer.

NN pointed out you can have a different opinion with out being quite so aggressive if you disagree.

Eh.... No?

You said I have anger management issues because I dislike dps ex who is and was verbally and physically abusive. Please can you explain that?!

Have you ever thought your ex dps partner has an issue with you because you seem to read one thing and interpret it as something entirely different?

Oh and it seems as though you have absolutely no respect for her so I can totally understand why she doesn't like you.

Your anger management issues are directed at the people on this forum who disagree have a different opinion. Not aware that I have passed any comment on your relationsips with your DPs Ex.

As I have not communicated with Exs DP in 4.5 yrs, not asked the EX for monies, asked for any child care from EX on top of the minimal contact that has been allowed but them etc - not responded to her threats, slander, lies and manipulation - I can only imagine she is frustrated in my refusal to engage.

EXs DP can hate me as much as she likes, what she should not do is take her prejudices out on innocent DCs.

And in my case, what goes around comes around - as of 4 days ago, she is now the EX aswell. She is now telling mutual friends that we should meet and sort out how we manage EX - I nearly wet myself when I heard that on Sunday.

What surprise me on this forum is how much aggression is being described (and indeed exhibited) from both mothers and step-mums. Is this really the reality in so many families because it really isn't in my life and I know quite a lot of separated families, whether it be the dads or the mums.

In both circumstances, there is often issues and disagreements, but I've never heard of (or experienced myself) shouting matches between parents and step-parents, or abusing texting. For one, I don't understand why there seem to be so many mums/SM with telephone contact of the other. I never had my kids SM phone number, why would I need it? All contact only ever needed to be with my ex so can't understand why in a situation of conflict, there would be a need to exchange phone numbers.

I read so much anger, frustration and criticism that in many circumstances seems to stem from nothing else but insecurity one either side. I'm so glad that I managed to rise above all this so that such conflict could be avoided for the sake of my kids. I can now look back and realise that there was no better action I could take than that of stepping back and letting my kids' best interest guide me through my decisions.

I think that generally it's always prudent to remember that there is a common denominator in these situations - the man who is the ex of one and now the new partner of the other, and yes, a huge amount of insecurity A, from the woman who has to hand over her children to the new partner who may or may not have been instrumental in the breakdown of her marriage, and B, from the new partner who knows that the ex has something she doesn't - children, and therefore a history with her man.

Also, from the new partner's perspective, if the relationship breakdown was brought about on the part of the ex, she will possibly need to justify to herself that it was still the ex at fault, and certainly the man isn't going to hold up his hands to having been abusive or the like, therefore he is likely to paint the worst possible picture of the ex in order that she believes that he is who he says he is.

Added to that, if the new partner has children of her own, then it stands to reason that she will favour those children over the incoming DSC, purely because they are her biological children.

In my ex's case, he was EA, and has gaslighted his new DP into thinking that I am the devil incarnate, even down to telling her about how I have called him to have a go at her involvement in my children's lives, something which never happened, in fact he has been the one who has told me that his life is a mess, that she's hormonal and unpredictable, and being together has been a mistake. . Unfortunately she is herself quite an unpleasant individual anyway, As confirmed by the DC. But unlike many, I have refused to engage with the drama and have simply shut off to it all.

If they want to live in a Jeremy Kyle type soap opera, then that's their life. My DC have detached from it now and see their dad only away from the house. So she has been unable to do any damage. As things stand she is money obsessed and resents every penny of maintenance which eXH pays me. But she could easily be on here talking about her DP's nasty ex, as sold to her by her not-so-loving partner.

Your anger management issues are directed at the people on this forum who disagree have a different opinion. Not aware that I have passed any comment on your relationsips with your DPs Ex.

Seriously? Please explain why you think I have anger management issues.

I've said several times I know not every situation is the same.

I haven't had a go at anyone except you (because you seem to think I have anger management issues)

*What surprise me on this forum is how much aggression is being described (and indeed exhibited) from both mothers and step-mums. Is this really the reality in so many families because it really isn't in my life and I know quite a lot of separated families, whether it be the dads or the mums.

In both circumstances, there is often issues and disagreements, but I've never heard of (or experienced myself) shouting matches between parents and step-parents, or abusing texting. For one, I don't understand why there seem to be so many mums/SM with telephone contact of the other. I never had my kids SM phone number, why would I need it? All contact only ever needed to be with my ex so can't understand why in a situation of conflict, there would be a need to exchange phone numbers.

I read so much anger, frustration and criticism that in many circumstances seems to stem from nothing else but insecurity one either side. I'm so glad that I managed to rise above all this so that such conflict could be avoided for the sake of my kids. I can now look back and realise that there was no better action I could take than that of stepping back and letting my kids' best interest guide me through my decisions.*

Unfortunately this is our reality. It wasn't to start with and I don't know anyone else in rl in the same situation.

The only disagreement ex and dp really had was that he left her because he wasn't happy and she thought he was going to go back and marry her. Then I came along and all hell broke loose.

I don't have her number and she doesn't have mine, neither of us have her in facebook etc. I don't communicate with her if I don't have to.

She texts dp all the time, to start with just asking him to go iver to her house, then for favours, then for money and then when she found out he was seeing someone to tell him she was going to kill him, stop him seeing the kids, take him for all he was worth (she did that One!)

I'm not insecure, I have no doubt that even if we split he wouldn't be interested in her. I don't like being around her because I know she's violent (from own experience not dp telling me)

I wish we could be amicable because it would be 100x better for their child.

Like I've said iv never retaliated and neither has dp we've just sort of kept quiet and got on with it but literally a week doesn't go by without a nasty message or a message asking for more money or whatever.

I whole heartedly think she does not give one shit about her child anymore, she has used him to her advantage too many times and the poor kid knows it.

It's funny because to start with I thought she was a great mum and they were both doing a great job of keeping up 'normal' for their child even after they had split. Shame it all went downhill.

In a situation like mine, where we both had (grown) DC when we met, I think there is always some element of mine and yours . It can be difficult in the beginning, but as the years roll by and we both got older....I care and worry about it less and less! I mostly do what the hell I like, trying to be helpful along the way, but if I get it wrong sometimes......well there you go, nobody died!

Is this really the reality in so many families because it really isn't in my life and I know quite a lot of separated families, whether it be the dads or the mums.

It tends to be the case that if you seek support for a high conflict coparenting situation, then you come into contact with others in the same situation.

I've lost count of the number of people who have said "oh, yes, me too" when I've tentatively shared details of the way in which DHs ex has behaved towards me.
And I am literally stunned by the number of DCs who are no-contact with their NR dad and stepmum after years of having a positive relationship with them. People who I didn't even realise had DSC saying, "oh yes, they've not spoken to me for years!"

And of course, on a forum, you're not going to get posts about the situations that muddle along; I think in all the years I've been on MN, I've only posted about my DDs stepmum a handful of times. On the whole, it works. So I don't tend to post about it.

It tends to be the case that if you seek support for a high conflict coparenting situation, then you come into contact with others in the same situation.

I understand that, but it's not the conflict that I am surprised with, it's the level of animosity that is being expressed towards the SM or the ex and how this is expressed in real life.

There is a difference between the most recent post about concerns that mother might not hand over the passport, and other posts asking for advice as confronted by an ex who is violent, been sending nasty messages, screaming in front of the kids.

It's not about posting about how wonderful life as a SM is, but about asking about situations that don't involved going on about how horrible the kids are, how psycho the ex is or how spiteful the SM is.

But if we had no problems with the children or each other then we'd just be posting a thread entitled 'everything seems to be going ok t the minute' and it just seems pointless.....

I post here when I need advice or help or want to vent some anger.. If everything was just going along nicely I wouldn't need to post IYSWIM

I was always charming and inclusive to exs partners because I wanted them to protect my kids.

As an ex wife, I agree with this wholeheartedly.

Whatever the more recent posts above, I do still think there has to be some way of SMs being able to openly talk about difficult situations with their DSCs and Exes. These are the two areas that are virtually taboo auto admit to, but unfortunately they are a reality for some of us.

Somewhere that we won't be automatically pounced on for voicing this. Challenged but not stifled.

I have had a LOT of crap from some of my DSCs and the ExW. It's not nice, I wish I hadn't, it's outside of my control, and I have needed somewhere to talk about this. My DSCs are not awful, the ExW is not evil, but yes I have been made a scapegoat and dumped on far too many times and to cope with it I've needed to go somewhere like Mumsnet.

I hope that other people in my situation are able to too.

Step mum bashing is rife on MN. I definitely think my dps exw is a poster on here and she has cottoned on to who I am more than once which is why I NC a lot

to cope with it I've needed to go somewhere like Mumsnet

There are dedicated, subscription sites that offer that. MN is public so is never going to be 'safe' from alternative PoV.

My DSCs are not awful, the ExW is not evil, but yes I have been made a scapegoat and dumped on far too many times and to cope with it I've needed to go somewhere like Mumsnet.
And I think that's where the difference lies. Most threads started by SMs go well with advice from different perspectives which are considered or not and hopefully the IP felt they got something out of it.

The posts that degenerate in unpleasantness are usually the ones where it goes beyond conflict and where the animosity is so strident that it elicits a natural sense of defensiveness towards the person being attacked even if they might indeed be horrible. I think it is even more natural when the animosity is towards a child and the description of the fault of such child comes across as minor. I remember the thread when a SM was calling her young SC all names, expressing deep hatred when all she could complain about was that they pooed in their pants at an age when this is still normal, albeit unpleasant, behaviour.