Why is the new wife / stepmum ALWAYS wrong?

[milkyface]

I've read a few threads on this in the last few weeks, and I can't honestly get over some of the responses.

Step mums (and potentially dads but it's usually step mums who write the op) are always wrong according to at least half (probably more) of mumsnet.

You see your stepchild often - you are too involved and should let the, have dad - child time on their own.

You don't see your stepchild often - you are not interested and your stepchild will know you don't like them

You have your own child from a previous relationship - focus on them and leave dad and stepchild to it

You don't have your own child - well you obviously know nothing about parenting

You have a baby with a man that has children already - you've ruined his current children's lives

You speak to the ex - you are too involved and over step the line

You don't speak to the ex - you should communicate better

You help your dp/dh with childcare - no you are too involved your significant other should give up work immediately and spend all his time with his child and not you

You don't help - you don't like your stepchild, you are selfish, you should act like part of the family

You have a good relationship with your stepchild - you have overstepped the line you are not their mum or their friend

You are not overly fond of your step child - you are pure evil and that's that

Oh and last but not least...... You knew what you were getting yourself into

Oh and let's not even get into maintenance, or the fact that obviously ex's are never wrong, never abusive, never threatening and always perfect mums who only want the best for their kids.

Rant over

And before you say it I know all step mums are not great and not all mums are shits I'm just saying mumsnet seems to think all mums are great and all step mums are shits

When you're in the wrong then you are, its not a matter of who you are.

If SM's get told they are BU, its because they are BU. Pretending to be part of a poor put upon group who are attacked for no reason...its just bullshit.

fluffy this isn't aibu this is generally a place where people ask for advice, not whether they are being unreasonable.

Saying YABU when someone wants advice on how to make things better etc is neither use nor fucking ornament really is it?

I think you've missed the point of this thread entirely!

And to be clear, disagreeing isn't judging or attacking. It's simply a different point of view.

Telling someone that they "must" feel a certain way is not disagreeing - it is projecting.

There's been a lot of interesting points and I think it's clear what works for one family wouldn't work for another. I think it's great if you can find a situation that works for all of you where both partners and all children involved are happy, sadly, I think it is not always possible.

It is a lot about compromise and I think step mums do have to compromise more than stepdads do as pp said I think step mums take on more because that's sort of the role they have.

I think fluffy has completely got the wrong end of the stick, it's not being about unreasonable, it's about being told completely contradicting information and people judging you for doing things the wrong way, no matter what you do, no approach is correct!

Even if this was AIBU, things are never as black and white as being right or wrong.

What one person believes is wrong, another person agree with. We can only come at these things with our own values and experiences.
It is when they become judgements - "you are wrong" "you must do/feel", "you have to" that it becomes unsupportive.

Opinions are one thing - judgments are another.

It's a woman thing isn't it. You don't seem to get as many men moaning about their new partners exdh and you don't get men posting about their manipulative father in law.

I think women are socialised to be super judgey of other women but men less so. Women tend to be more concerned with what other women are doing whereas men are generally not overly concerned unless it's really detrimental and causing a real problem to themselves.

NN can you just confirm where exactly I said you must feel a certain way? I think I said I can only imagine how awful it must be.... If you interpret that as me telling you how you must feel then I'm sorry I wasn't clearer. I have not experienced your situation so I can only imagine how awful it must be or feel to come to the decision that the only way forward is to cut contact with members of your family. I say the same thing to people who cut contact with parents - how awful that things got so bad. I'm sorry that your interpretation of that is that I'm telling you how awful you should feel.... I don't think you are awful for making those decisions. I think it's an awful situation. again, not judging or projecting onto you how you feel, I think I'm quite clear in saying that I think that is both a sad and awful situation.

I think I said I can only imagine how awful it must be

You did - at 10:56 this morning. You can only imagine how awful the situation I am in MUST be for me.

Not, "that would be very hard for me", not "that sounds very difficult" but that it MUST be. As if your judgement and feelings on it is the right one, because that MUST be how I feel.

Similaly your comment "I say the same thing to people who cut contact with parents - how awful that things got so bad" - you are writing as if it is inevitable that contact has been cut because things were BAD. Why assume that? And what does BAD mean anyway?

Forum communication can be spectacularly inefficient - especially when someone reads a post hours, days or weeks after it has been written.

Language that makes assumptions about another persons feelings "you must feel", "that must be" is not supportive - far better not to project your own feelings onto someone else and enable the person to feel whatever it is they are feeling - be that relief, joy or resignation.

NN it's a turn of phrase. Please accept my apologies if it has caused you distress. I have not intended to judge the decisions you have made nor your feelings over them. Consider me suitably educated on the mumsnet way.

user you haven't upset me.

And under normal circumstances, if you had posted on another thread, I would ignore your comments, rolling my eyes and posting a supportive comment of my own.

But this thread is discussing how comments and posts come across to others. How some SM feel attacked and judged by others. So I felt it was appropriate to share my take on that.

If I have lectured, I apologise - yet another illustration of the limitations of the written word.

I am a step mum and hope to god I am not as awful as my DCs step mum.

In my case the OW bullshit is correct and on occasions on this forum it becomes obvious that the OP was aswell, but hiding it. It does cloud your judgement and I do not use my DCS against my EX.

Sometimes there may be reasons behind the hostility - I am well aware of some of the immense porkies my EX has told about me, I am almost the devil incarnate - lazy demanding monies etc etc - took him 2 years to pay a penny, I was that demanding!

I found the OP to be so negative - there have been some fab posts on this forum which have helped me cope with my DCs situation and my current situation - taken a deep breath and not said what I wanted to - knowing the repurcussions.

In my case the OW bullshit is correct and on occasions on this forum it becomes obvious that the OP was aswell, but hiding it.

Sorry but that's bollocks, unless you've got a crystal ball how did you know they're lying!?

I am well aware of some of the immense porkies my EX has told about me, I am almost the devil incarnate - lazy demanding monies etc etc - took him 2 years to pay a penny, I was that demanding!

Stepmums are quite capable of making their own judgements.

My ex has undoubtedly slated me - but, my behaviour as witnessed by his DW has contradicted the picture he has painted of me.

If your DCs stepmum thinks badly of you, then it's worth considering the image she has formed of you based on the behaviour she has witnessed for herself.

Those stepmums who are 'brave' enough to enforce boundaries, saying to their DP - "I'm happy for you to co-sleep with your DC but I'll sleep in the spare room" are often slated for being unreasonable - as if they should accomodate whatever parenting choices their DP makes irrespective of the impact on themselves.
From recollection, what was pointed as being unreasonable was when a SM expected her DP to tell his child that she now had to go and sleep on her own not when the SM said that he could go and sleep with the child rather than the child coming into the joint bed.

NNChangeAgain, I think people will get stuck on some turn or phrases/words that seem innocuous to others. I personally find your phrase 'I wear my badge of wicked SM with pride' quite offensive, what is there to be proud of? But I am guessing it was meant to be ironic.

Going back to the matter of SM vs SD, I think people (from either side!) have hit it on the nail. The problem is when there is a shift in parental responsibility between the parent and the SP. Step-parenting is working well both with my kids, both with mum/SD and dad/SM. The common theme is that neither step-parent is involved in parenting them. I make all the decisions when it comes to my kids, deal with school, medical appointments, friends, activity myself without relying on my OH and I do their cooking/washing/shopping.

Similarly, whatever needs doing when they are with their dad is done by him because he too is the main care giver in their family. As a result, I think neither my DP or their SM feel a responsibility towards them.

Saying that, I think when a step-parent is over involved, it can be the fault of the parent as much as the fault of the SP. I have experienced both, dads who are incapable or unwilling to deal with any of these, on the look out for a replacement to take on the parenting duties for them. I have also see over zealous step-mum to be, who put themselves forward stating that they don't mind, that they enjoy doing these things trying to win dad's heart, to then make a massive issue of it once he has committed to their relationship.

In my case the OW bullshit is correct and on occasions on this forum it becomes obvious that the OP was aswell, but hiding it.

I'm amazed that you know the personal circumstances of every SM on here. Wow.

My dh's exw slags me off to anyone who'll listen, even my own mil but it is all bollocks and she's deluded

It's my fault that she doesn't have a relationship with my lovely dss, despite the fact that she sends no cards at Christmas or Birthdays and hasn't called for eighteen months. I earn too much for dss to deserve cm from her and I stole him from her... despite her signing the court docs that gave us residency and me pr. The last time she called she was drunk and abusive and my dss didn't sleep with anxiety.

But yes, I am in the wrong for raising him as my own and being there for him through thick and thin

I personally find your phrase 'I wear my badge of wicked SM with pride' quite offensive, what is there to be proud of? But I am guessing it was meant to be ironic.

Yup - ironic and a name that has been attributed to me, rather than one I've adopted for my own.

However, in the past, it helped my DSC deal with the conflict when I signed off cards etc to them from their WSM - they felt less embarrassed or defensive when I was referred to like that by others because I made it clear through my actions that it didn't upset me and instead it became a joke.

If your DCs stepmum thinks badly of you, then it's worth considering the image she has formed of you based on the behaviour she has witnessed for herself

Can't stop laughing at that one. My ex's girlfriend has never met me. She is blocked on Facebook and other social media and I have had no phone contact with her. She is never in the car when the ex is picking up. She is quite happy to send me texts and leave voice messages about what a lazy/dirty/stupid/bitch/whore/unfit mother (usually a combination of these words) that I am. I have responded to this in the only logical way possible - by involving the police for her continued harassment but only after this went on over a 12 month period. I have never, not once, responded in person.

How is her antipathy towards me the result of my behaviour?

And she's not the OW. OW was a lot worse (if that's possible!)

How is her antipathy towards me the result of my behaviour?

Oh, I was to referring to you personally, sorry!

I just meant that in many cases where someone claims her Ex has been badmouthing her, often, the judgement of the stepmum is based not on the badmouthing, but what she's seen for herself.

For instance, an exW who sends abusive texts and emails to her ex can reasonably expect her ex's DW to see them - and draw her own conclusions their person who sent them.

wow. and this thread is about not judging people. You're allowed to say 'If your DCs stepmum thinks badly of you, then it's worth considering the image she has formed of you based on the behaviour she has witnessed for herself' which seems to suggest that any mum (regardless of whether or not they are also a step mum) who is having problems with the children's step mother should look to themselves...but I'm not allowed to give an example of a situation where that clearly isn't the case?

Whatever.

I'm laughing with needsahalo.

In a lot of cases, the SM only knows the xw through stories told by her husband who will naturally only tell stories lies that make him seem like a saint for marrying his xw in the first place.

My ex's gf was ow and admitted that she considered me in a negative light based on what ex told her and because it's easier to believe that the wife is a monster if you're trying to justify cheating with a married man.

but I'm not allowed to give an example of a situation where that clearly isn't the case?

Of course you can! I was apologising because when I reread, I realised my post implied that it applied to you personally, whereas I was highlighting that it can happen that a stepmum sees for herself what type of person her DPs ex is - just as you have seen for yourself what kind of people your ex's GFs are!

It's been hard being a stepparent, I have 2 dsd's and it's not been easy from day one.

Oldest dsd was 16 when I moved in with dp. His youngest was 8. Mine were 13 and 6. We had two bedrooms and dp and I were going to sleep downstairs. We allocated the bigger room to the two teens and the smaller room to the two youngest with bunk beds. You'd think we'd demanded the sacrifice of a small child from the backlash we got.

16 year old wanted the big room to herself (she wanted to live with us) with 8 year old sister on a blow up bed on alternate weekends. Meaning my 13 year old would have to share with the 6 year old. She also wanted a lock on the door, a double bed and her boyfriend allowed to sleep over on weekends her sister wasn't staying. Dp said absolutely not and it just kicked off from there.

In the end she moved in with 8 year olds mum (her stepmum). We then had 8 year old staying eow with the 6 year old in the bigger room while my 13 year old had the smaller room to herself. The 8 year old started moaning about everything, nightlights being on and crying relentlessly every night about the light keeping her awake. So the nightlights went off and my 6 year old started having nightmares and sleep walking eventually falling down the bloody stairs. So the nighlight went back on and 8 year old started again. It was awful. And there was no solution.

Dsd(8) mum got involved with the whole thing, started demanding her dd had the big bedroom to herself and my two dd's sharing the smaller room. She demanded to come over and see the set up. She wanted to know why her dd didn't have more of her things there.

Yes I knew what I was taking on but FFS it was just awful. It's escalated massively since then although we moved house and have 3 bedrooms but his youngest has been very manipulative in the last few years, accusing me of stealing her belongings, accusing me of treating her differently, accusing me of treating her the same as mine. I just cannot win. At all.

If her mum had kept out of it then it may have been resolved a lot quicker but she just went running home to mum crying about minor things every single weekend, mum would call dp, dp would have to go over and then he would come back and tell me that I hadn't asked dsd to put her washing in the basket and she felt left out. Or that I had asked to to put her washing in the basket and I was picking on her.

I can't do right for doing wrong. I could write an essay on the shit that girl has put me through, her lies, the manipulation and the downright blatant bullshit intended to cause trouble. I've given up on taking her with us for days out (because we always take the wrong food or we have the wrong takeaway and demands to be taken by dp elsewhere). I've given up on trying to buy her clothes (she chooses them and then never wears them), I've given up on buying her presents at christmas and birthdays because she just looks at them, puts them to one side and never get looked at again. I'm sick of it.

Well my dos ex has met me, once. And seen me around a few times.

When she met me she punched dp in the face in front of his son. Every time without fail when she's seen me since, she gives me a funny look. (I'm not taking a smile the wrong way, it's definitely a 'fuck you' look!

I've seen each and every abusive text she's sent dp, I've heard all the nasty voicemails, I've seen the shitty facebook statuses about what an awwwwwful dad he is and and how he cheated on her with me and what a little slag I am.

I've heard her shouting down the phone at him. I know what she's like. He hasn't had to tell me anything because I've seen it all first hand.

Oh all this but she is more than happy to use me ,yes she will ask personally for me not dp as she knows I'm on mat leave, as emergency childcare.

So although I think she's the bitch from hell, I have never ever responded to her. Dp is civil with her though she is still not the same back after many years.

She slags me off to high heaven when all I have ever done is remain dignified and do the best for her child. I have never name called, texted or phoned her, nothing.

But I am the awful one.

What I'm saying is you can see things with your own eyes and form the right opinion of someone and not voice it to them or anyone they know (I have voiced it to dp and here and my best friend but that's it) or you can form the wrong one and voice it to anyone who'll listen.

milky Punched DP in the face? That is totally unacceptable, and in front of DCs. Wow. Scary.

I've only just come of this thread, but have been on the step parenting forum for over a year and there is definitely a bias against step mums.

I wish some posters would just start their own posts about their own situations, especially mums who have a gripe about a step mum. Instead of basically hijacking a step mums thread and 'taking her down' because you really need to get your own situation off your chest.

I'm sure a lot of step mums could actually offer other mums some good advice regarding step parenting. Yet I rarely if ever see threads started by mums.

There are so many assumptions that just come up again and again. Like being the OW, or a NRP to step kids, or younger than their DP, or basically wanting to rip their DP from their first family.

The vast majority of step mums posts I read are desperate women trying to do their best in impossible circumstances. Many, like myself, have also taken on step kids full-time.

Sometimes, the step mum isn't doing any good, fair enough. But do every step mum here the curtesy of actually reading her initial posts for any evidence of this. Rather than jumping on her like a pack of dogs!

My DSC live with us full time. Their 'D' M has no contact at all. Court ordered indirect contact (which she never bothers with)

Her departing words to me after the last court hearing was 'well not like you'll be in their lives for long'. I was undergoing chemo for breast cancer at the time.

My gorgeous and loving DSC heard it all.