AIBU

[Fianceechickie]

Aibu to wonder why women who aren't step mums... are even reading the step parenting threads let alone feel qualified to comment and give advice to women who are and who are struggling in very difficult situations? So much condemnation and lack of empathy. You can barely get through a whole thread without reading such comments. Makes me so cross. Anyone know if there's a Facebook support/discussion group original similar place to get non judgmental support from other step mums? If not I think I might start one!

milky face - I think to clarify I said will you tell that f**king bitch to stop ringing during my parents wake - a not unreasonable suggestion at an extremely stressful time . Unfortunately, the DCS were standing unbeknown to me behind me - both expecting Daddy to stay for supper.

At that point I did not know about the pregnancy - all I knew was she was phoning. Ex told me some weeks later. MY Ex is now her Ex and in her fit of anger at him for leaving - she told him she was never pregnant and had faked them so he did not get distracted by our DCS and me needing a bit of childcare from their DF. So I was suspicious at the time when I was told and I was right.

As to protecting them - how do you suggest I protect 2 children who on the rare occasions they were allowed in their fathers house - were fed a particular type of food, everytime they visited, which gave one of the DCS- explosive diarrhoea, that were sent to bed if they did not clear their plate, while her DCS were given brownie and ice cream, that had to share bed in the loft, because the spare room was not for them, were not allowed to touch toys, computers in the house, were made to sit on the naughty step if they shouted (3 and 5),given water to drink whilst her kids got juice, no treats because they did not belong, ignored by their SM - unless their DF was in the room when she interacted, would not get them breakfast at the same time as her DCS, - if she was the one doing breakfasts, refusing to let their spineless DF have a little bit of one on one time, not sit on the sofa to watch theTV, because there was only space her her/DF and her DCS and as they did not live there they were not allowed - those are the tip of the iceberg, believe me I could go on. ( a year ago eldest DC took our house ipad -not allowed to use the one in their fathers house and filmed parts of their day, they showed it to one of their grandparents - I cry now thinking about it, it was awful to watch)

Your response demonstrates why unfair /fair slagging will never be taboo, because you automatically believed I was being unfair about the alleged miscarriage.

Believe me I have bitten my tongue and smiled and waved my DCs off for a weekends ( thank fully not many) where over time I knew they were being treated poorly but able to do kk=nothing because they do need a relationship with their spineless DF. I had to trust their DF would look after them, he chose to prioritise her over them - he now admits that and he should have protected them. However, at the end of the day she chose her actions and only she was responsible for what she did.

I have seen some fantastic SMs ( my best friend) is a saint as she copes with her 3 and his 4. The DSCs adore her - I wish that my DCs had her as an SM - EX chose the wrong family friend to run off with!!!

Like I have said I have learnt a lot from this forum, I do have a jaundiced view of some SMs, I am now one myself and it is hard but this forum has taught me to bite my tongue - ( 9yr od DSD bought a thong by her mother!) and so far it is working.

Once and only once, in 4 yrs, did I slip up, on quite frankly one of the worst days most of us ever experience- so can the righteous indignation please.

I totally get that as a SM, you really don't know what you are getting yourself into, however, I would have thought that it doesn't take a genius to appreciate that however hard to it is to build a new relationship on solid foundations.

Would be nice wouldn't it? Does the same (knowing what you're getting yourself into) go for couples who fail to build relationships on a solid foundation? And then - shock - produce kids, quickly or otherwise? That's what I mean, there's a higher moral and emotional tariff expected for people entering relationships with people with kids. Got pregnant quickly? Things moved too fast, should have known better. Long term stress? You knew the score, he had kids. Imagine the comment for parents: 'Since you have kids, don't get into relationships with new people until the kids are over 18, or until you know what you're letting yourself into.' Impossible isn't it? (I do have friends that simply won't date until their kids move out, though).

We're going through the adoption process and people cannot believe the character probing, assessments, tests and referencing we undergo, plus the home and financial preparation we go through. It's a massive test that other parents do not face and that many who embark upon adoption do not at first realise. Not to mention the challenge that can arise once DCs are placed with you. I've found nothing but respect and support from many quarters talking about adoption though...

That's why I advocate a kind of mutual acceptance that none of us is perfect, but let's commit to act in the best interests of the children, not judging or simply tolerating each other, but supporting each other - everyone sacrificing a bit of defensiveness for the greater good.

By the way, so glad apples made the comment that even in nice, polite stepfamilies it is still so difficult. I can totally relate. Sometimes I've posted and had no replies and I can sense the 'come back when you've got real problems' vibe.

Agree this is a good thread. Well articulated first post, OP, it helped set the tone.

I've learnt that step mums are very much the devil on MN - and I'm fairly certain a lot of the step mum bashers are bitter ex wives who's anger is wrongly directed at the SM instead of the EXH

I've learnt that step mums are very much the devil on MN - and I'm fairly certain a lot of the step mum bashers are bitter ex wives who's anger is wrongly directed at the SM instead of the EXH

It's been so good to get everyone's thoughts on this thread... It's such a difficult tightrope to walk as a step mum but also for mums who have dscs with SMs, for dads for all involved really and it does need to be thought about, analysed, considered because it's so complicated. There really should be some sort of government sponsored scheme for training and support for step families but as far as I know there's not even a dedicated national charity? My heart goes out to some of you who have posted about some incredibly hard situations. I don't know how you've found the strength. I am very blessed with my dscs...they are amazing but sadly the only good thing I would say for their mum is that she can't be that bad to have raised them (am nice about her to and in front of them Obv).... Feel bad for thinking that now though because she's no where near as bad as other mums in her situation by the sounds of it! I do still struggle occasionally with my feelings towards the dscs despite having a great relationship hence having thought deeply about why that is...I think it comes down to nature and instinct. DH often doesn't get it because I do have a fab relationship with them and then sometimes I'll do or say something slightly disingenuous like complain about spending money on them, then I'll catch myself and be like 'why are you thinking like that?!'

Well I was a step-daughter, I am a step-mother to grown children, and now I'm a step-grandmother! I'm also a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, honorary aunt and great-aunt....so I feel qualified to comment!

There really should be some sort of government sponsored scheme for training and support for step families but as far as I know there's not even a dedicated national charity?

It's covered in the CAFCASS Separated Parenting Course that many parents in dispute are ordered to attend by court.

However, you the old adage "you can lead a horse to water" applies; if adults choose not to hear or agree with the material, nothing changes. The people who would attend step family training voluntarily are the ones who need it least.

Remember, there are literally hundreds of thousands of step and blended families that work very well, and as many or even more who muddle through. We only read about the high conflict and most extreme ones here. The vast majority of stepmums cope effectively with the range of emotions they feel.

She knew what was going on in my life because she had been a family friend, alot of mutual friends. Believe me it was my annus horribilis fom hell, just lasted 2 yrs not one, my good friends were hugely supportive and it would have come up in conversations which she may well have been present at.

His phone was on vibrate, but the number of times it kept beeping and he kept looking was driving me nuts and I started by asking him to turn it off.

Believe me I would not have said it in the DCS ear shot if I had known they were there. I am the queen of bottling it up - not once have I slagged of spineless shite to the DCs - and the temptation on yet another occasion he failed his responsiblities has been often / weekly!

PS: I also have DC who have a SM, and DGC who have a SGM! Well qualified to lob in my twopence worth!

lookluv awful awful situation, lost for words as to how to deal with what I think everyone will agree sounds like a utterly vile woman. I don't think milky was being unfair to you, she was responding based upon the information you gave at the time, and has seen the other side. I feel so sorry for your DC utterly heartbreaking just hope this thread allows you to see that not all StepMums are like that

Op take stock that your a human being, your not a robot and your DP has known them all their lives, your playing catch up and learning how to be a parent/responsible adult in DC lives (don't remember you posting you had your own DC so sorry if you do) your going to get it wrong, parents get it wrong. Might be different how you think about something like money but I think lots of parents will think "oh god school uniform time, how did these little feet get so big again!! just when we thought we had some extra cash, wish we didn't have to buy this stuff" sadly you do just have to buy the ridiculously prized school jumper or another pair of shoes and can feel a bit "sigh" about it next month maybe I can get something for me.

Don't beat yourself up about it, your not always get it right it's tough and it's especially tough if you don't have your own children!

Thanks Pepsi...yes I do I have a ds 12, the dscs are 9 and 11. I think part of it is the difference between boys and girls...girls seem to be more expensive! I was exactly same as DSD at her age!

I notice step mum threads when they come up as "active." There is always a range of opinions, but on balance the weight of the total responses is generally fair, imho.
The step parents who are obviously trying and struggling in good faith may get a few nasty responses, but most of the thread will be supportive. Sometimes the stepparent is being self centred and unfair and they get a real roasting with just a few supporters.

MN is never an echo chamber.

On the stepparent img relationship it's worth remembering that the children have no power, no control, no choice. The stepparent was an adult who knew going into the situation that there would be step children. Given this dynamic, it's understandable that posters are inclined to give sympathy to the DC involved who are vulnerable.

OP - I get the difference between boys and girls. By DSDs are so argumentative but that is age - bit older than my 2 and def a girl thing!

My teenage niece came to live with me during my annus horribilis and I was heard to say give me boys any day. The yeah but no but, yeah, well dressing quite frankly like a tart at 14, got to have the last word - started my SM training!!!

Sorry OP, I couldn't recal you having DC of your own.

Interesting thread!

There is a bias in RL and on Mumsnet that ExW are not ever nasty - and if SM thinks they are then their DH has totally made this up.

Children are 'powerless victims' - if you are a SM but 'oh yes terrible teens it's so wearing moan away' if you are the parent.

Walking on eggshells is right! And I speak as a SM, a step child, an ExW (who has to deal with another SM). I think I've experienced just about every variation there is. Complicated!

I don't think that the phrase used above, that the *children have no power, no control, no choice' would be used much on the parenting board, but it does here.

Children can't choose their biological parents any more than they can step parents. They can't choose if their mother slags off their SM, and the confusion that can bring. They can't choose if their Father feels guilt and indulges them so much that they equate love with entitlement. They can't choose if their own parents undermine a SM.

And dare I say it, sometimes, a child can have quite a bit of power, choice and control - and be capable of manipulating that to punish a parent or step parent! (The rocks will rain on my head!). My eldest DSD moved to ours to 'punish' her mum for not letting her have enough freedom, and then moved back to 'punish' her Dad.

I guess I'm saying there is a lot that can muck up and damage a child when they enter a step family set up. Both Mum and Dad have the key primary role to make it work, not the step parent. Who can, unfortunately, get blamed and vilified very quickly.

Well said bananas. I do notice less lateral thinking more where step families are concerned, as if step parents cannot also be parent. As I've said before our 'innocent' children are often more aware and skilled than we give them credit for. Recently my DSD recalled when she was 13, 3 years ago, and I applied creme to her rash, which her dad asked me to do and which she agreed to sitting on his lap (why am I qualifying all that?) She had screamed the place down and cried how much it hurt. Of course we felt bad, but her skin got better. Anyway recently she was telling me about that memory and said v matter of fact that it didn't actually hurt, she just wanted attention and would do things like that all the time!

lookluv I commented before you told us that you actually knew it wasn't true, and all the other information.

Sounds like an awful situation and I'm glad you and your children are out of it. I can't help but think that maybe you'd be better off if you and your ex had less involvement in each other's private lives?!

Some very true words there Bannana and cappy children learn very early on how to get what they want out of certain situations, and this can be used for all sorts of things :)

Different type of situation but a lady the other day was posting about her very young DC throwing a bunny out of a cot on purpose, then crying for the bunny when her mum snuck out of her room at bedtime. All to get her very tired mum to run back in to get the bunny and sit with her a bit longer, it was all caught on camera.

Children are rarely given enough credit, for their actions and wouldn't harm for parents to wise up to this - so lucky DP is well aware of how sneaky the DC can be...

And just to make things extra- fun, on top of all the history and emotion and stress, we add.... money.

I never post on step parenting because it's the most difficult part of my life and I can't let myself be open to judgmental and ill-informed comments. So I totally understand the point of this thread. It would have been nice to have had somewhere to vent and share when everything went to shit, but I'm sure it would have turned out to be my fault somehow.

YANBU OP.

I feel quite qualified to comment on this as I had a thread recently that descended awfully by a few select posters (Who as far as I know were not SM's) and I ended up just not posting anymore. It was honestly horrible.
I had some amazing private messages from so many people saying what you are saying and assuring me, offering support and being generally lovely, so that was something, but I wish I'd known the thick skin you have to have beforehand!

swing so is it that you would have preferred the stepmum to refer to you as mother not mum?
I think I must have written too quickly. I meant what you said. I very much valued her referring me as mum rather than mother!

Does the same (knowing what you're getting yourself into) go for couples who fail to build relationships on a solid foundation? And then - shock - produce kids, quickly or otherwise? That's what I mean, there's a higher moral and emotional tariff expected for people entering relationships with people with kids.
Yes, the same apply, why are you assuming that my views are different and that I take a higher moral ground with families where they are other children? The difference though is that in step-family, there is in addition to dealing with not knowing the partner as well as if they'd waited longer, the issue of not knowing the other children and the mother, so even more challenges to then have to cope with.

When I met my partner, things gelled very quickly. I knew I loved him, he knew he loved me and he got along great with the kids and the kids with him. It took a year to realise though that as you start sharing everything, things become more difficult. People don't make as many efforts, frustration with change gets in the way, issues start to build up and compromises need to be made. We got through it as many families do, but I think it would have been much harder to do this if we hadn't yet got into a stage of our relationship when we knew how each other ticked, felt comfortable sharing our feelings and emotions and there were no more surprise to learn about each other. I can't imagine having to deal with becoming parents again before having gone through that stage first.

A lot of renting posts I read from SM who are frustrated with their partner and aggrevated with the children seem to come from relationship that have formed very quickly, but that's just my opinion.

Can you imagine asking a parent or child, with no compunction, 'do you get on with your child / parent?' That question is usally reserved for stepparents and stepchildren. We need a mindset shift, then perhaps we'd stop accusing each other. We don't talk about a woman 'asking for it', or berate her that she 'should have known better' in discourse about violence against women. We accept her circumstances (emotional, physical, financial or other) as part of the dynamic, we don't judge her for them.

We acknowledge in PSHE and elsewhere that there are different types of families, irrespective of sexuality, race, religion or disability. We see these different families work well, whilst understanding some of the downsides of difference, like exclusion and discrimination. So we CAN shift our minds. There needs to be much more awareness (in government, education, churches, health etc) if nothing else to highlight the distinct complexities, stresses and traumas - and therefore mental health concerns - in stepfamilies. It's tragic that women as parents and stepparents are pitted against each other, maybe it's because we have far more in common than not. For that reason I do think things will change for the better...I couldn't hope to be a stepparent if not!

Totally agree cappy. We must stop with this 'you knew he had kids when you got together with him so tough' attitude. As you say you wouldn't apply that logic to any other situation. When we take on stepchildren we don't sign up for anything they or their mum throws our way. And what banana was saying is a good point too...it's undoubtedly a rubbish steer bring a step child in lots of ways but it doesn't mean however they choose to behave henceforth is not their fault. My dscs chose to make our relationship natural and easy and I'm very lucky but my point is they didn't have to choose that path. It's not the path their mum chooses. They could easily have made my life hard and the relationship difficult but they haven't. I don't really see why some posters excuse terrible behaviour as not being kids fault. They don't choose the situation but they can choose their response.

As they get older they can choose their response but little kids and by that I really mean U11 - do not have control of their emotions, responses in the same way.

All toddlers, kids be they step, own etc lash out at times. For many DSCs if they do that in their fathers home - they are evil, badly brought up etc.

Mine have struggled to express their feelings and the first few hours they would return from there were a minefield of negotiation. Usually they wanted to sit and cuddle - eldest would just snuggle and say peace at last, other times- it was like the little demon furies had arrived - shouting, kciking screaming and yeah but no but attittude.

They just did not know how to express themselves. My 10yr old does now and it is interesting how he perceives things and now expresses how he feels or felt.

To me this has been about their insecurity, they desperately wanted more attention from spineless effwit and did not want to say/do anything that might mean thye lost more contact. Even now eldest says I can not say that to DF - he may not see us and go back to her.

Milk - the problem really comes when your spineless effwit Ex runs off with one of the partners of our circle of friends. Inevitably, we all meet up ( not with her - thankfully) and I know they have seen her at events and gossip etc comes out. I did say to my friends - that they were not to feel embarrassed to mention her infront of me - just not to invite me to anything she was going to. One or two have a malicious streak and I swear say stuff to see my reaction - profundly neutral to annoy them, unless it involved my DCS. Eg, mine had not seen DF for 3 weeks - found out that they had all gone to the Caribbean -but they could not afford to take all 4 DCs there, so just took her two. ( as described by one of our friends) Who inevitably told my 2 on their return and the pain that caused was immense and still remembered.

Toys thrown, tears and utter despair when they came home