AIBU

[Fianceechickie]

Aibu to wonder why women who aren't step mums... are even reading the step parenting threads let alone feel qualified to comment and give advice to women who are and who are struggling in very difficult situations? So much condemnation and lack of empathy. You can barely get through a whole thread without reading such comments. Makes me so cross. Anyone know if there's a Facebook support/discussion group original similar place to get non judgmental support from other step mums? If not I think I might start one!

I think for women we can habour a lot of resentment or jealsously especially if the situation was out of our control for example it wasn't my choice my ex left me for an ow although he is with someone else it was not what I wanted for DS to have a completely seperate life to me , his mum who carried him and gave birth to him to have another women be close to him, it can be hard to accept although I have now, I think some women don't and that's where the resentment starts. The same can be said for men and step dads although I think women tend to be more vocal, it's rare I see issues with step dads and dads on MN.

I have to admit I fully enjoy sharing my dd starting nursery as a couple and not having to share in that moment with another woman like I have with DS. I do think this is when feelings can run high and often step moms can't win for not being involved enough to being overly involved it's hard to get the balance right.

Wannabe you are spot on. Totally agree. Whoever said about the step mother back slapping group you are right that would be awful. Last thing I would want to do is have step mums egging each other on to be awful about their step kids. I do agree with mumsnet rules but sadly they don't stop nasty, damaging posts which condemn step mums without knowing full story. I don't know maybe it's a bad idea. It would be a nightmare to admin fairly because I would want to admin it more strictly than mumsnet in terms of the nasty vindictive stuff whilst still having appropriate level of support and challenge. Just wanted to know if people on here thought there was a 'gap in the market' for a more supportive step mums only group where the words 'have a word with yourself' and 'woman up' would not be allowed! ;-)

I think what you do find here, is that if people don't like how someone is talking to the OP they are not scared to report it if it is particular vile and abusive or to tell that poster hang on a minute back off a bit! People do stick up for each other.

But the general hatred towards StepMums won't ever change I don't think. Its sad as its the DC who suffer something most SM seem to clearly see and yet (most) mothers often don't.

The other day I saw a post from a woman who was complaining that her DC SM didn't love him enough, she was expected to make the DC "her world" and because she wasn't making this DC "her entire world" she was also a terrible StepMum and she even said she was furious with her.

I felt like hitting my head against break wall in despair! (Milky think you may have been on that thread too)

I also hate the fact that whenever I post on this topic I feel the need to be so bloody careful with terminology and how I word things because one wrong move and I feel like I will be attacked within an inch of my life all because I am a stepmum - argghhhhh

There is a place like that and I think it's called NetHun's OP you can only offer support, you must not swear and say sickly things like hunny wunny bunny

I should say I have never actually been on the stepmum part of NetHuns but was put off during my third miscarriage and saw the term baby dust... If rather be told I'm an apple welding monster than be called hunny wunny I think

which condemn step mums without knowing full story

Not a step parent but involved with man with children. My children have had a number of step mums.

For me the issue is this: it suits my ex to have new partners a little scared and resentful of me. The usual stuff - I have mental health problems, was violent towards him, took him to the cleaners. He had no choice but to have an affair to help him leave. In fact, he left me for a woman he had had a long affair with, after wiping out our bank accounts, leaving me pregnant with baby no. 3. No maintenance - self employed. Prolonged periods not bothering to see the children - just disappears, no contact, won't answer phone or email. He is a mental health professional with extensive experience working with male survivors of abuse. He went as far as telling some people my raping him was the final straw. He knows what to say, he hears it all the time at work. He is outwardly kind, decent, professional. Why wouldn't you believe him?

Sometimes on this forum I hear my ex in some step mums' words. I hear all the things he said to me when leaving, I hear what friends and family told me he said and I genuinely just want to scream LTB because my experience is....well, I've just told you. Then I get called 'bitter' which is exactly the same - condemnation without knowing the full story. I don't hear it in every post, but it is in too many posts, if that makes sense. There are women all over getting involved with these men who are clever enough not to red flag until you're well and truly hooked. It is horrifying to read. I really don't want other women to go through what I did.

That, and it sets my teeth on edge to see mum's referred to as 'the mother' or even better, 'the birth mother'. Just awful.

Yes pepsi I think I was I lose track

cannotlogin what's wrong with the mother? What you you prefer to be called?
Obviously you are in a horrible situation but that is not the case for everyone, and believe me when some of us say that the ex is abusive - it's true, and it's not our partners pulling the wool over our eyes, it's because we have been unfortunate to experience it first hand.

Of course there will be others in the same situation as you, and that is awful and I feel for anyone who is, but not all ex's and step mums are evil, honest.

Sigh.

cannot agree with milky, that sounds like an awful situation and I genuinely feel for you and your children. However just because your exH is a complete cockwomble by the sounds of it, and your a nice lady doesn't mean the next mum is a nice lady.

I struggle with what to call the DC in my lives mother. As she has never been a mother or a mum to them, she walked out years later came back into their lives walked out again and has done nothing for them ever. She has never purchased a birthday or Christmas card let alone a present and maintenance... Nope not a penny. The last time she saw them she returned them an hour later saying that she was bored, guess who picked up the pieces? This person is not a nice woman at all. I constantly don't know how to refer to her on here, if I said biological mother (a man who did this would be refered to as biological father or sperm donor a deadbeat dad) I am hunted down and told no no no she carried them in her womb she is their mother you will never be those children's mother are you sure you weren't the OW no I wasn't that was the worse thing said to me on here, it was extremely hurtful given my own issues with multiple miscarriages, so hurtful.

So just because a stepmum here referes to a woman as the mother or birth mother it may be to distinguish between the two or it may be a situation like mine, it's not going to be a stepmum who gets on with the mum as they more than likely don't need support as they have been accepted into the lives of the DC and perhaps are being allowed to just be themselves.

cannot
Our posts crossed but why say Sigh?

Why not add something constructive to the debate you joined in? Or where we supposed to declare that after reading your post we had seen the light and all of our DP/DH were utter wankers pulling the wool over our eyes? I think all you have done is proven the point that as StepMums we just can't bloody win and that makes me sigh.

I'm also generally interested in to what you would want stepmums to call other mums? Because I genuinely don't want to hurt other people feelings and my mum has been exactly where you are my dad was awful, my DP however is not.

cannot it was a serious question? What's wrong with mother?

I have a child as well as a step child and I wouldn't be offended if someone called me my child's mother.. Because that's what I am? Mother/mum/mummy/parent any of those would be fine by me.

Seriously, what do you want to be called?

Like Pepsi said, you've just pretty much proved our point. Can't win.

Just as a side note, I have been told by DSS mother that she hates me (fair enough), dss hates me (not true he actually frequently asks to stay here more often which if he hated me I'm sure he wouldn't do), that she 'knows people' who could kill me (nice!), that she wanted to kill my unborn baby (even nicer!) that she will get dp back and he will marry her (fat chance). She also threatened that if I didn't leave dp she would a) stop the children from seeing him or b) throw herself from a local bridge. I obviously did not stop seeing him, and she didn't do either of those things.

She has told many others that I was the other woman (I wasn't) and that I am a homewrecker etc.

The first time I met dps parents she turned up at their house, and he gently told her she may want to come back later as he didn't want her to get upset in front of the kids who she had brought with her. She barged past him, saw me and hit him full on in the face. He had a black eye. She then bumped his car on her way out of the street.

Oh and on top of all that, she uses me for emergency childcare. Because she knows I am on maternity leave. I have never had a thank you. I do it because I care about DSS and worry who the fuck else she'd leave him with if I said no.

So you know what, I am more than fucking entitled to call her a lot worse things than 'dss mother' but I don't. Do you know why? Because I am not a massive tosser and I will not sink to her level.

It is NOT always the ex or the girlfriend/stepmother who is in the wrong.

I have had an awful experience but I can recognise that my situation is not the same as everyone else's. I can see that sometimes ex's are tossers, sometimes step mums are truly awful and don't care about the kids, but sometimes it is the mother who tries to make things harder.

Hopefully at some point unfairly slagging off stepparents will be as taboo as venting racism or something, because of the impact on the kids and whole family. Is it a third of all marriages now create a step family? Much more education is needed (books by Ron L Deal and Laura Petherbridge helped me). I know people aren't perfect and it hurts when unstable people have direct care of or influence over your children (For example, my brother's gf threatened in writing to do the unthinkable to their kids and herself. We had to go through channels and hold our nerve and things are much, much better, but in the midst of that horror, slagging her off would not have helped anybody). Thankfully not everyone is like that. Ironically her new bf (so he became the kids stepparent and was also already a parent) helped her to see how flawed she was.

In other words horribleness is not only the domain of stepparents. We're all part of the problem when we only react to the worst in someone. We tell kids that teachers, their friends' parents, youth workers, grandparents, godparents, even babysitters are in loco parentis, when need be and kids get that. But sometimes it feels like woe betide any new wife who might be feeding, housing, funding, clothing, teaching, loving and otherwise providing for another person's child. Obviously not everyone thinks like this (incl my DSD's mum) and I commend people that come on to get a stepparents viewpoint.

I run a youth group in my voluntary time and what's enlightening to me is that kids are often much more mature, fearless, forgiving and resilient than grown ups are. Also as a step child I could so easily be an adult posting on MN saying how much I didn't get on with my stepdad. I believe two things prevented that 1) I don't recall my mum ever openly undermining my stepdad (I'll have to ask him if he felt undermined though - since becoming a stepmum I've compared lots of notes with him ) and 2) my mum, a strong vocal woman, fell massively from grace in an area where I thought my stepdad would mess up, because in the early years I just didn't want him around. It hurt me (she was no longer perfect) and humanised her and my graceful stepdad. As I got older I was able to love her for all of who she was, the good and the bad, still as adult mum and daughter, but also as friends. Same goes for both my dads. I guess I had to decide how I was going to view my mum and stepdad individually and as a married couple. My parents, all three of them, were and are responsible for their own choices, not for each other. Would help if we could remember that about our own family situations. As a friend of mine likes to say, when we point a finger, three fingers are pointing back at ourselves.

I care not actually because of my parental status particularly, but because I've too many, usually women, friends in desperate relationship situations that can be traced back to instability between their parental situation growing up. Is it any wonder that girls bully each other at school and online when there's no parental sisterhood above them to learn from?

I think that "the mother" can sound very harsh even though it's not intended to be such. My eXH refers to me as "your mother" to DS and it absolutely is meant to be derogatory. The problem is that it takes no consideration of DS - he is projecting his feelings on to his child while forgetting that DS' relationship with me is not the same as his relationship with me.

I can never get my head around the posts questioning whether a SM was the OW. The reality is that even if a SM is the OW, the children's needs still need to come into the equation here. As harsh as it is, nothing was ever achieved through bitterness and resentment.

Equally though I don't understand how someone can move in with someone who has children and be a completely separate entity from those children. I absolutely don't necessarily expect my DP to pick up my childcare without me running things past him first, however if he e.g. Refused to be there for my DS if I needed him to be I would question why he had decided to become involved with someone who has a child.

Equally though I wouldn't expect my ex to question whether my DS was alone with my DP if I wasn't there, e.g. I've seen posts on MN from people suggesting that the stepparent shouldn't be looking after the child if the ex isn't there, that contact is there for the child to spend with the parent, hardly conducive to children fitting in with new family dynamics is it when we talk about "contact time,"

milky very similar situation/back story here I'm sorry it is so tough at times for you, it's exasperating.

cappy some wise words there indeed.

wannabe I can see what you mean there with go to "your mother" If said in "that" tone, not very nice at all! think the issue is that tone is of course lost on an Internet forum.

I agree with you on the childcare, but is that as your the RP? because the idea of never being alone with the DC is alien to me too (not to mention impractical) I knew DP had children when I met him, we discussed what the future would like once we knew the relationship had legs and each step of the way forward we discussed at great length for us both to be comfortable and because there were children to consider, as he is the RP.

I still think the idea of being separate where the DC are involved even if it's a EOW arrangment is a bit crazy, but such a different perspective to my own, with a whole different can of worms that it is hard for me to comment.

wannabe. I think you've addressed your own question, really - if the DCs are told by their mum that it's not "right" that they are looked after by their stepmum, then even if their dad says it is ok, is it really the right thing for the DCs?

I remember being told here on these pages years ago, not long after I became a stepmum, that I should respect my DHs ex's wishes for her DCs even if my DH disagreed.

While I don't do it for those reasons - my DHs ex has done nothing to deserve my respect - I now do go along with what she demands, as it is easier on the DCs when I do.

That has meant refusing, on occasion to look after the DCs when DHs has asked me, and involved him dragging them somewhere they really didn't have to be. But, from experience, I know that is the least worse option for them.

In an ideal world, all stepmums would have natural, positive relationships with their DSC. That would include spending One on one time together. However, insisting on that when it is not welcomed can be more damaging than its absence.

A few months ago spent several hours in the company of my DHs DS, on three consequence days, after not seeing him for over three years. We spoke no more than a few words to each other. I got to know the teen boy that accompanied him better than I became reacquainted with DHsDS. I've not seen him since.
I'm sure to many people, that kind of dismissive and casual attitude towards him on my part is unforgivable. If I'd posted here for support at the time to help process the hurt I was feeling, I'd have been told I was dreadful for not making every effort to make him feel welcome. Told I should have tried harder. Told it was my job to be the grown up.

But, I know that the least worse option for him is that he has nothing to do with me.

I am confident in my own decisions and position as a former stepmum. I didn't secure that thorough this forum and I urge anyone who needs that to seek professional support to garner the strength you need to be a stepmum.

This forum is a way of self reflecting, but cannot provide the support needed to overcome most hurdles in a stepmums life.

Hopefully at some point unfairly slagging off stepparents will be as taboo as venting racism or something,

There's all sorts of Sociological and psychological reasons why that won't happen - have you read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin?

wannabe I see what you mean. I certainly don't say it in a derogatory tone.

As much as I hate the woman (and believe me I do) she is still dss' mum and he loves her, and so i am incredibly positive about her when he talks to me about her.

I wouldn't like it if someone slagged off my mum, so I won't do it to his. He doesn't need to know I dislike her. He just needs to know I am there for him.

Dp is the same. We have had some incredibly trying situations even after 4 years almost of being together. I thought it would get easier! Ha!

And to anyone who says 'you know what youre getting yourself into'..... Yeah.... No. I had no fucking idea things would be like this.

I get what wannabe says my ex refers to me to DS as your mother in a derogatory way instead of using my name or your Mom. But then he says horrible stuff like I left your mother because I couldn't stand her ( he cheated but sometimes things shouldn't need to go into depth, something along the lines of things don't always work out and unfortunately that was your case with your Mam and me)

I am a step mum to very decent and well behaved children who are lovely. But I still find it extremely difficult. It is the only thing OH and I argue about.

That will never happen because what one person calls unfair slagging will be completely reasonable to the other side.

I have once called the SM a foul name infront of the DCS. In my mind I was completely justified in calling her what I did. Should not have done it infront of the DCs and I know that but...

Ex came to one of my parents funerals - they maintained a good relationship with him for their GDCs. She texted on the way to the crematorium, she phoned when we were all in cars going to the wake - to tell him she had done a pregnancy test and was pregnant. She then texted throughout the wake, until Ex who had been going to stay for dinner and the giving out of some gifts my parent had bought prior to them dying for certain family members.

I called her some choice names, which eldest DC repeated the next time they visited their DF. This went round the friends that I was angry because she was pregnant.

At that moment in time I actually did not give a sh*t, I was incandescent with rage that she could not let Ex pay his respects without interfering and trying to steal the last memories of my parent and their good bye.

She "miscarried" about a month later, the third time that year, the previous two pregnancies and miscarriages co incided with the diagnosis/ finding out my parent was ill and 5 months later when we were told surgery and chemo and radio had failed.

For that reason I feel I was justified, she feels it was unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why have you said "miscarried" - you're implying you don't believe it.

To be honest I'm not even sure why you know or need to know about her miscarriages?! I certainly didn't share the details of my pregnancy with my partners ex.

Sorry but you weren't justified, you have a right to be angry and upset and I would have been too, however I wouldn't have called her any names in front of the children.

To your dp or family or friends or whoever, you're well within your rights to slag her off to high heaven if you want but in front of the kids? No need. Not to protect her, to protect them.

Can I just say - I think this is a very good thread

The first time I felt some form of appeasement in regards to my kids' SM is when DD showed me one post of hers (it was related to a specific date I think) and she referred to me in the text as 'mum'. Ie, I think you might want to ask mum, rather than 'your mother'. It might be silly, but to me, she could have expressed more respect for me than as such.

I have reflected on this thread today and realise that there are one type of posts that do get to me (and there was one such post recently), and that's when a SM complains about the ex/SC when it aspires that she moved in with the father after meeting him a few weeks, after he's only been separated a few months if that, and is pregnant a couple of months later.

It totally get that as a SM, you really don't know what you are getting yourself into, however, I would have thought that it doesn't take a genius to appreciate that however hard to it is to build a new relationship on solid foundations, it is even harder when there are children already involved and that however important it is to take time to go through each step of commitment, this is even more essential when meeting a man with children if it is to become a successful relationship. I just cannot understand why any woman would rush to get pregnant with a man before being reassured that she is happy with her situation as a SM.

Why have you said "miscarried" - you're implying you don't believe it.

Occams Razor - the most likely explanation is probably the right one.

While of course, it is possible that each of pregnancies and miscarriage all happened to coincide exactly with the significant events in lookluvs life, it is far more likely that the woman in question was trying to disrupt her ex's day.

However - the question, if that is the case, is how she knew what was going on in lookluvs life

Agree that was not a kind thing to do to lookluv, but couldn't have the Ex just put his phone on silent - isn't that what people do in these situations? I think a few choice words were fair enough but again don't think it should have happened in front of the DC, but emotions run very high at parents funeral, been there it's very difficult and sometimes it is easy to loose some of your tolerance - I'm very sorry for your loss

With regards to the miscarriages, it doesn't sit well with me at all and it is very much down to personal experience. I have very sadly had seven in the past 18months and considering the utter heartache it has caused I can't imagine anyone lying about this sort of thing, it is utterly disgusting to me. I can't get my head around why lookluv would know, I wonder if it is the stepmum or the exH sharing this very private information and their reasons why, certainly makes me feel a bit sucpicous of the intention to share this not sucpicous of the fact lookluv knows.

swing so is it that you would have preferred the stepmum to refer to you as mother not mum? Have to say I don't really understand that, unless you DC calls you mother - surely mum is a natural thing to refer to you as in such a text message? and means SM is being nice especially as she was asking the DC to gain your permission? For whatever it was - have to say I do find this rather confusing as im not sure what more the SM in this situation could have done.