AIBU

[Fianceechickie]

Aibu to wonder why women who aren't step mums... are even reading the step parenting threads let alone feel qualified to comment and give advice to women who are and who are struggling in very difficult situations? So much condemnation and lack of empathy. You can barely get through a whole thread without reading such comments. Makes me so cross. Anyone know if there's a Facebook support/discussion group original similar place to get non judgmental support from other step mums? If not I think I might start one!

lookluv the amount of blame heaped on to the ex has never ceased to amaze me. Even to the point where if someone starts a post asking about a new relationship with a man with children, the default response is that the ex will cause problems. IMO what so many women seem to lose sight of is the fact that this mad crazy ex is someone the man chose to have often more than one child with over a prolonged period, and that, as a rule, there are generally two sides to any relationship breakdown. And yet the man paints the ex as some crazy, jealous, insecure type and she falls for it every time.

And it's always the children who are blamed. I even read one recently from a poster expressing that she was glad the DSD was out of her life. Fortunately she was rightly jumped on for that but none the less.....

I hope your ex finally saw the SM for the bitch she was? for you and your DC.

what so many women seem to lose sight of is the fact that this mad crazy ex is someone the man chose to have often more than one child with over a prolonged period, and that, as a rule, there are generally two sides to any relationship breakdown.

What frustrates me about that statement is that it's never applies to exH.
When a poster says a man has cheated or was abusive then that's accepted. He's labelled a bad dad, manipulative, abusive etc.

But when it comes to an exW, she's always given the benefit of the doubt. Oh, there must be two sides to the story. She can't have been that bad otherwise she wouldn't have been married.

If cheating dads are bad dads, then why is it not equally the case that cheating mums are bad mums?

I would apply that statement to an eXH as well TBH. I very much take the view that abuse is abuse regardless of who is the perpetrator so if someone has been in an abusive relationship I would take them at their word on that, and it always infuriates me when people talk of an abusive eXW that people state there must have been more to it.

But when it comes to affairs I also take the view that affairs are very rarely black and white, and that while affairs certainly are not ideal, an affair does not a bad parent make.

if someone has been in an abusive relationship I would take them at their word on that,

Yet you won't take the word of a stepmum who describes behaviour of an exW that is consistent with abuse?

It's very rare for a man to acknowledge that he's been abused by his DW. Often, it's only once in a new relationship with a non-abusive dynamic that the man even realises that what he experienced was abuse.
If a stepmum sees herself that her DPs ex behaves in a mad, crazy way, then it only reinforces the picture painted by their DP, doesn't it?

Seems my thread has gone off track but anyway! Just wanted to say just read a great example of fantastic, supportive advice to a struggling step mum who doesn't love her DSD even though she's been living with her since a baby and her own mum has died. Her words and feelings were shocking but still people posted support and encouragement when I have seen step mums condemned roundly for much milder comments on slightly negative feeling towards dsc. Maybe I was wrong in my op! Hope so!

I don't think it has gone off topic. I think people are trying to explain why they might sometimes post replies that look unsupportive. It is an emotive subject for parents, stepparents and stepchildren.

Fiancée I think that particular thread is different because the mother died when the child was an infant so this women might struggle to bond with the child for fear of replacing mom. I think people will be supportive in the right context but what people can't support if a child is innocently attacked when the problem doesn't lie with the child but their DP no one says being a step parent is easy. The op on that thread admitted her feelings weren't right and she didn't lie any blame on the child in question.

OP

I completey here what you saying, I think posting on this board does tend to result in more support than others though, and I would encourage you to reach out if you need support but unfortunately there are always people who see the thread in active and then jump all over a stressed out/confused/should have known what I was getting into ha ha ha ha stepmum who uses a word incorrectly, says something that doesn't sit right with a mum who may be having a difficult time with the fact her ex has a new woman in his life. Now that woman is stepping into a "mother" role when her child isn't with her, uses a term someone takes offense too, the day of the week has a Y in it etc etc - because sadly on the whole StepMums can't win.

I think very generally speaking nobody would choose to be a stepmum and don't think anybody would really want a stepmum I also don't think any woman (who is a loving mother) really wants her child to have a stepmum - this, I think, a great deal of the time explains why it is so difficult and why you see the reactions you do from mums on here and in RL.

What really needs to happen is that StepMums need to be allowed to feel what they feel and be honest about it, not judged just helped and supported. Especially by their partners

As a dad my DP (who is the RP so my stepmum role is different from the "norm") can say "these DC are driving me up the bloody wall today, i just want some space, I want to sell them on eBay" and whilst some people may glasp their pearls at the eBay comment most people will think, yup I've been there, the little turnips have been fighting all day, whining etc etc etc. As a stepmum it took me a long time to feel I could say anything like that, as I was worried how I would be judged by my DP, my DSC and felt horrified at myself because I felt I couldn't feel like that. DP had years of getting to know these tiny humans, is only known them in comparison a small amount of time I had years of catching up how could I week into living as a family feel like this! You feel like that because there bloody hard work and when they decide to try and murder each other for the tenth time you want to bash your head against the wall - doesn't mean you hate them, dislike them don't love them you just want to scream helps

Women are so hard on themselves no matter their parenting role, but StepMums have it very tough boundaries vary greatly and feeling like a spare part can't be fun at all, it actually hurts to see how many women are vilified on here whilst stepdads who step into roles like mine with a RP are given medals and seen as heroes. I've had all sorts of comments in RL people used to assume DC actual "mother" was dead. The worst was when someone realise she wasn't dead that they immediately thought I was the OW who must have stolen my DP from her and caused her to go all Miss Faversham (didn't steal anybody! Met him after she had flounced off for the second time and hadn't seen DC for nearly two years) somehow was all my fault a man would never get this - hey ho, I don't give a shit anymore mostly

Do I think it should just be step parents on here?I did at first, under a different username and after a vile bashing that had me in tears I wished it was. I've grown a bit of a thicker skin now, I think it's helped actually I've learnt to stand up for myself against people who don't know me and don't know our family situation. I see a lot of stressed out StepMums (ive seen some very nasty ones who shouldn't be near any children IMO too)

Buy the book step monster it kinda helps, don't give up on this thread and get a hard hat

Sorry that was much longer than I intended!

Hit a nerve

Well I've clicked on here and I don't have any step children. I think you are being sensitive TBH. I like to read the situations and comment if I feel I have any valuable advice to be given. Although I do agree sometimes people have really harsh responses. But that's just mumsnet isn't it?

Thanks Pepsi. I think it's good to have these discussions. Makes us all think about our own bias and the impact of what we say, as well as the tolerance we have of alternative views. I guess at the end of the day, most people on here aren't professionals and will inevitably bring their own gripes in to their advice to others. I think some of it as well is not just mums who's kids have SMs having a vicarious pop at another SM it's also mums who see posts from SMs complaining about poor behaviour in the dscs and are quick to jump on them and say 'that's what they do at that age' or 'what do you expect if their parents are divorced?' I wonder if some (and I mean SOME) of these aren't parents of kids who are pretty badly behaved themselves and they don't like people suggesting it's their fault...just a thought...

I think the board is unsuitable to your needs than its not for you, but you cannot control and regulate who says what, yes kids react to certain situations, yes there can be triggers to certain behaviours, yes children can have adandon issues, yes kids can feel insecure and yes kids in general can be badly behaved even when they live with both parents the whole put is to monies the impact on the family as a whole address these problems but you cannot police people's opinions but you can take what you want from the thread.

Miminse" not monies

I don't have any 'needs' really! Just musing! Hopefully making people think a bit and as I said in my op wondering if there's anything else for step parents out there that's a bit different. No one's got back to me on that so I'm thinking not. Still thinking of starting a Facebook group but then if I posted about it on here I wouldn't be anon!

Alot of people sometimes need advice from someone impartial who maybe experienced it from the same side or from a totally different view point, you can't change what people post. Do you really need a Facebook page?

Best advice speaking as someone who doesn't really have any issues on either side is our respective partners keep out of parenting discussion's we communicate soley with each other ( I don't even have his DW mobile number, i dont think she has mine) There is a mutual respect for our respective partners given events like Holy Communion etc.

But i'm aware i'm lucky on this situation but i still think people will always have mixed views on the situation even if you start a facebook page.

Yes they will and of course it's desirable to have different views. Just looking to weed out the nasty ones which you can do on Facebook group and protect posters looking for support from an ear bashing from an unsympathetic judgemental person with an axe to grind. We do pretty well on the parenting group I admin at the moment but it's not just me, there's a small team of us.

Just looking to weed out the nasty ones which you can do on Facebook group

As admin of your FB group, you set the moderation guidelines. You decide what is and what is not allowed.

MNHQ do that here. If you think someone has posted something against the talk guidelines, report it.

If you don't agree with the talk guidelines, then MN is not for you.

I agree that people's opinions on mumsnet will often be biased as they are based on personal experience, it is called being a human being. I know I am somewhat guilty of this myself but I try to put my view accross whilst not being vindictive - don't always succeed I'm sure but I do try.

So, what I do think would be helpful, what we could all do from time to time is that on boards such as these (this isn't AIBU, it is a board designed to discuss step-parenting issues) that we could take a moment to remember that the person writing is a real life human being, with feelings and maybe at rock bottom - I think every parent has been there! Sometimes people need kindness to be able to see a way forward and kindness doesn't cost anything.

Just because a story sounds similar to a RL experience doesn't mean it is.

I wouldn't want a totally "you go Hun, that woman must be a total cow" type board, plenty of that on NetHuns - but the vile comments made towards StepMums by some people on a board designed to support is utterly disgusting at time, sometimes we as a collective should just take the OP's word as the accurate version of events until proven otherwise, yes question but don't wade in telling the stepmum she must be wrong and this woman (the child mother) must be in the right. This happens a lot.

It is fine IMO to have a point of view, it is fine to ask questions to try and understand more before making a judgment it's not ok to be vindictive and generalise that all StepMums are wicked Apple welding monsters, after reading one post and ignoring what others have written.

Being supportive and telling the OP what they want to hear can be two very different things.

I'm on stepparenting because I'm a stepmum, I never had a sm and my dc don't, either. Some stepparenting threads are terrible, sometimes because the OP is very hostile to their dsc. It is good to point that out. I imagine a fb group where stepparents cheered each other on in alienating their sc and vilifying the ex would die out soon.

This Mumsnet board has saddened me, toughened me and encouraged me. There's no monopoly on kindness or condemnation. We all know that anybody can dish out either, depending on how their personal wind blows. I've lots of friends who are both parents and stepparents, some of us have the DSCs full time. All of us say that stepparenting is sooo much harder than parenting. One thing I've noticed is that there is not enough mention of the quality of the relationship between the first family parents, and then the step parents. Failure to commit to being the best adults we can be, royally messes up the kids. And then we call it protection, it's so selfish and neglectful. Why can't we acknowledge that all often broken and fearful, instead playing heroes and devils? Love abounds more than fear, can't we just share it?

I don't agree you should just say something to appease the person, not at all. I think a valid difference of opinion is a good thing. It's how people deliver it, and often just the word stepmum makes people turn up with pitchforks

In a lot of cases I think you could have exactly the same post, only one signed of as I'm a mum and the second signed of as I'm a stepmum the mum would get support the stepmum would get a flogging.

It just makes me sigh at times and feel so sad for these women, most of who are just trying their best!

cappy I think the world these DC live in would be much better if all the adults did this.

I don't think the board should be restricted to just step parents, however it does piss me off when people post nasty replies based on their own experience irrelevant of what the op actually says.

I think on mn generally step mums can't do right. Mums are always right, dads, if they pay maintenance are great, if they don't, are shit.

There is a lot of assumption that when a step mum says the ex is causing problems, that they're exaggerating, or inventing issues, or point blank lying when that is not always the case. Where as if a mum says a step mum is causing problems she is automatically believed.

A lot of people assume step mums were the ow.

I think it's good to get the perspective of others, after all that's what Mn is for, but sometimes I find this board quite unsupportive and a little nasty.

I agree that as a parent you can acceptably whinge about your own children, but if you whinge in the same manner about your step child you are a shit person who shouldn't have anything to do with the child because you are so awful.

It's a hard job being a step mum.

I think people will always post from their own experience though regardless of the subject matter. Go and have a look at relationships for instance and people not only give the OP the benefit of their experience but will vilify her based on whether or not she decides to take their advice/listen to their narrative of how they "know" the situation will pan out.

I think the problem with step parenting is that invariably it's a situation which has arisen from an unhappy situation, I.e. if it wasn't for the fact that two people got divorced, they wouldn't be there.

For me, the posts which need challenging are the ones which make reference to the fact that e.g. The DSC are manipulative/are the cause of issues between partners/have no right to be a part of the new family I.e. Have seen posts from SM's who like to visit their parents with just their children as it should be a space without step kids.... the ones which I am always a bit at though are ones where the SM takes an active role in the DSC's lives where there is a positive relationship and people tell them that they should know their place and should be restricted to the SM role. WTF is that about?

It baffles me that people actively want there to be bad blood either between ex's and incoming partners or SP's and DSC. Do people never consider what it does to the children when e.g. Some parents don't allow any talk of the other parent in their house or they actively put them down in front of the DSC?

As a parent as much as a step parent we are responsible for the examples of relationships and we show to our children. If as a Stepmum you. Cultivate a positive relationship with your DSC they will remember that and likely you will all get on better growing up. Bearing in mind that children aren't children for ever.

Equally as a parent if you encourage a negative relationship with your children's other parent or put down them or their partner you are encouraging your children to be bitter. And what does that achieve?

No children want to be caught in the middle of a load of adults' animosity towards each other.

wannabe you're right.

If only my DSS mum thought like you do.

I will engage in conversation with dss about his mum and although we do not get on (me and his mum) I am always positive about her. Shame the same can't be said the other way around.

What she doesn't understand is that it would make her life easier if she could be civil with me, but she can't/chooses not to. The only person her negative attitude Impacts on is dss.