AIBU

[Maria1243]

I have 4 month old with partner
He has 4 year old with ex
They broke up when she was 6 months, were on and off for a while then completely cut off relationship and made it only about SD
however she walked all over him, she had him take her only when she felt like it, threatened not seeing her for Christmas because he has new gf(not me previous) had him take SD on her days of so she could do things that she wanted, never gave clothes he always had to buy, yet asked for matinence money plus private nursery money over £200 even though he had her 3/4 nights a week.
Once I came into the picture I learnt he despised ex and I told him not to say anything bad about the mother of his child etc (I grew up with parents at each other throats) but I quickly learned she was a bitch after I fell pregnant and had ectopic scare and she basically laughed at it and said I was taking BF away from daughter (I was hospitalised)
I had a very difficult pregnancy and me and BF tried hard to stay south, however my mother was relocating north offered us a place to live (with her, huge house because company bonus) and to help with baby. BF wanted to go to get away from ex as he knew he was under her thumb and knowing he wouldn't see SD as much was happy to build a new family and in long run would benefit her ( way cheaper to try and get a house than where we lived)
Ex went berserk and even tried to convince him to get back with her but BF ignored and arranged every other weekend where he drives down south to see SD. We have done this every other weekend since October last year ( special arrangement for Xmas) bar the weekend I gave birth because I just could travel and this weekend just gone because he just can't afford it. Ex however now is saying he won't get to see SD again because he's 'inconsistent' and doesn't bother calling, etc and he is a failure
Now recently SD is becoming a bit bitchy and bratty, she's ex only child and is spoilt rotten, any tantrum she throws she gets what she wants, she bites screams kicks and mum gives her what she wants. She even kicked me in stomach (on purpose) at 7 months pregnant just before being dropped to ex, and ex cuddled and kissed her because she was crying and told BF to leave as he was upsetting her. She's rude and unappreciative because of ex raising her, and I have no problem with ex raising her child her way, but I'm not allowing myself and BF to have accept behaviour because of treatment with ex.
AIBU to say to support BF to cut off ex? He hates her (I mean literally hates) he now can't stand SD because of way she's being raised (not that he doesn't love her of course) he can't afford journeying plus doesn't have time too, and all in all he has just given up, and doesn't want to be 3 hours away and still under exs thumb. After weekends down south hes stressed out upset and annoyed and I'm agreeing with him just not having anything to do with it anymore. What should happen?

Oh shall I just not bother with my child because mum is making it difficult
Eh NO... imagine being that poor little girl whose daddy didn't bother with her because it was too much stress and effort.

Now recently SD is becoming a bit bratty and bitchy...

You did use those words, I think you need to take a step back and let your DP handle this and stop fanning the flames of what sounds a very toxic situation for all concerned but especially DSD.

And fwiw I would not be letting my 4 year old DD go away for 2 weeks at a time 3 hours away even if it was amicable and she had a SM who actually liked her.

Whilst the op has worded it fairly badly I can honestly say I've spent ten years dealing with an ex exactly like this. Only difference was she is obsessed with my DH and would never follow through with her threats of no contact for more than a week, the arguments started about contact/money/me/myDC/our home/her DC in our home were her way of staying in touch with my DH constantly and 'controlling' him as such.
She has been HELL BENT on making his life hell, even though she met someone else a year after they split and was pregnant a year later. She's fucking bonkers

Thank you! Yes I have worded it wrong because it seems you think I'm toxic when you know nothing about me or about the way I treat my SD, with love and respect as I do my own child, to the point she called me her other mum until her own made her stop

I'm actually astounded, I know some 4 year olds with absolutely vile behaviour but I would never nor would I associate with anyone who called them bitchy, that's a 4 year old you're referring to.

Surely if his ex is such a bad mother, the proper thing would be to fight for more time, more access with his DD, to try and curb her behaviour.

This poor little girl has 2 parents not one, and your DH needs to step up and start properly parenting not running away because things are tough.

She's 4 now, one day she'll be 14, 24, 44 and if you all walk away from her you're decision will impact the rest of her life and she may choose as an adult to walk away from you.

Honestly OP I can just imagine how mentally tortured your DP has been by this woman, I've seen it myself I've actually witnessed my DSCs being told by their mothers family that regardless of what she does she's their mother and they MUST take her side

Poor child :(

That's what I mean, i have no concern over mother or what she chooses to do but when it makes my partner miserable and depressed where do I draw the line?
Everyone's forgetting I have my child too, why should my child loose out because of exs behaviour, what am I supposed to do of SD behaviour rubs off on our son? Why should the man I love be succumbed to his daughters behaviour and constant bashing because of what EX has taught her to do?

You can always find money to see your kids. I have 2SD, live 100 miles away and never, ever have we not gone to get them because of money. Behaviour is just something you have to manage, as you would with dcs who live with you. To suggest that he just cuts her off completely is ridiculous and pretty awful to be honest. My SDs have been pretty horrendous at times, largely down to major issues at home, but you can't just walk away and you certainly can't expect him to!!!! I hate the expression "new family", it's really divisive. When our babies were born we explained to SDs and my DS then 5, that it wasn't a "new family", it was just a bigger one. Whatever is going on, you cannot expect him to abandon his child and expect people to think it's acceptable. Because it isn't.

Listen if we had it our way we would take full custody and have her live with us, we both deeply love her and don't want her to miss out at all, we do everything in our power to include her, but EX isn't allowing her, she's shaping her to act horrible and why should he have to live with being upset and depressed because of it
I'm no angel I but my mum through hell because I was depressed and acting out, and after realising what I was doing to her I realised no matter who you are you have an obligation to your own happiness and healthy mind, because how is he even supposed to be with his daughter or any of his family if he's depressed??!

Your dh needs to be a parent to her, you're blaming everything on ex wife when your husband has completely separated himself from her. Read about attachment. Then stop calling a four year old names, stop being precious about your 4 month old. If you want to be in a relationship with someone with kids, start acting like it.

Fucking disgusting, why not just say he's a shit excuse for a father and you're ok with that because you get off on being shitty to 4yr olds so find his bastard qualities attractive? At least be honest.

Rather than the bullshit excuses about the ex. Because if she is the bitch from hell then any decent human would consider that even more of a compelling reason to be involved.

And bollocks to the working excuse. Many rp's work those hours, and care for dc daily just fine.

So hang on I'm meant to show more dedication to my stepdaughter than my own son???

What? Who said that?

Your initial post asked "AIBU", pretty much everyone has said YABU yet you're still arguing. What did you want to happen?

stop being precious about your 4 month old

Maria you can say you put your own mother through hell, a classic way of testing her love for you, but then have regard for why your SD might be doing the same. This is classic behaviour from insecure children and yes the mother has a major role in all of this but so does your DP.

And from that you thought I was saying you should be more dedicated to your SD than your son?

I was referring to your suggestion that dsd's behaviour might rub off on your four month old child.

He'd give up the wold for his dd. Maybe he should give up u!

Has it all got a bit too inconvenient having a bratty little bitch to be a father too? That one didn't work out, move onto the next one. And it's all so easy to blame everything on the ex.

Just remember that you and your child could be the next ones to be discarded when he moves on again.

Poor girl deserves better.

Don't worry, one day soon he will give up on your ds too, and his bratty, bitchy mother.

I think you should remove yourself from the situation and let him go down without you. Due to your disgusting attitude, you have no business being anywhere near your partners child.

Why can't he get a court order?

I feel sorry for this four your year little girl, her Father has gone from having 50/50 contact to every other weekend, and her stepmum calls her bitchy for behaviour (that sounds like a typical four year old) that's very likely come as a result from the confusion of her father having shared custody to every other weekend, to her he's gone of to have his new family, (and it seems that's the way he feels too as you used those words yourself). And now the baby is here he's not seen her for a month?

This little girl has had lots if big big life changes, new sibling, massive reduce in Dad's contact, and now that baby's here he's treating contact as an optional extra. Of course she's going to act out a bit, she's 4 FFS. It sounds like because she hasn't slotted into yours and dps new little family nicely then you're actually considering walking away rather than fix his relationship with her? What kind of Father does that? This little girl needs some empathy.

If he's willing to walk away from his child for an easy life, bare in mind, how he is treating his Daughter will be how he treats your joint child should you split in future.

You say he missed a weekend because you couldn't travel, he could have gone alone? I know you had baby but you imply that if you were to travel then the visit would have happened and say your Mums there to help with baby and as he sees her so little, especially after having her half the time, he should be making sure that she's not feeling she's getting left behind. Something need putting in place so that he can still go see his child on days you can't make it, if you or baby have illness for eg. One missed visit from your do and he doesn't see his daughter for a month. That's a very long time for a little girl. Maybe he could do one trip a month alone?

As for missing contact because he doesn't have the time, he should make time, plenty of Dad's work those hours and still see their dc, including long drives. Not having money sounds like a crappy excuse too, he's saving money by living with your mum so bills etc reduced. If he can't afford to see his Daughter then how on earth are you going to be able to buy the house you mentioned? Fuel to see his dd should be budgeted for in the same way other essentials are. Did he not consider this before he agreed to leave?

Yes absolutely he should not bother seeing his 4 year old and concentrate on his new family. Is that what you want to hear op?

I despair at the posts I see on Mumsnet sometimes. If he cannot afford the journeys he shouldn't have moved! Ffs. Poor little girl. I can never understand why some one would choose to pro-create with a man who treats his existing dc so terribly.

Likewise I despair at men who once separated choose to have another child with a stepmum who obviously resents his existing children.