AIBU

[Maria1243]

I have 4 month old with partner
He has 4 year old with ex
They broke up when she was 6 months, were on and off for a while then completely cut off relationship and made it only about SD
however she walked all over him, she had him take her only when she felt like it, threatened not seeing her for Christmas because he has new gf(not me previous) had him take SD on her days of so she could do things that she wanted, never gave clothes he always had to buy, yet asked for matinence money plus private nursery money over £200 even though he had her 3/4 nights a week.
Once I came into the picture I learnt he despised ex and I told him not to say anything bad about the mother of his child etc (I grew up with parents at each other throats) but I quickly learned she was a bitch after I fell pregnant and had ectopic scare and she basically laughed at it and said I was taking BF away from daughter (I was hospitalised)
I had a very difficult pregnancy and me and BF tried hard to stay south, however my mother was relocating north offered us a place to live (with her, huge house because company bonus) and to help with baby. BF wanted to go to get away from ex as he knew he was under her thumb and knowing he wouldn't see SD as much was happy to build a new family and in long run would benefit her ( way cheaper to try and get a house than where we lived)
Ex went berserk and even tried to convince him to get back with her but BF ignored and arranged every other weekend where he drives down south to see SD. We have done this every other weekend since October last year ( special arrangement for Xmas) bar the weekend I gave birth because I just could travel and this weekend just gone because he just can't afford it. Ex however now is saying he won't get to see SD again because he's 'inconsistent' and doesn't bother calling, etc and he is a failure
Now recently SD is becoming a bit bitchy and bratty, she's ex only child and is spoilt rotten, any tantrum she throws she gets what she wants, she bites screams kicks and mum gives her what she wants. She even kicked me in stomach (on purpose) at 7 months pregnant just before being dropped to ex, and ex cuddled and kissed her because she was crying and told BF to leave as he was upsetting her. She's rude and unappreciative because of ex raising her, and I have no problem with ex raising her child her way, but I'm not allowing myself and BF to have accept behaviour because of treatment with ex.
AIBU to say to support BF to cut off ex? He hates her (I mean literally hates) he now can't stand SD because of way she's being raised (not that he doesn't love her of course) he can't afford journeying plus doesn't have time too, and all in all he has just given up, and doesn't want to be 3 hours away and still under exs thumb. After weekends down south hes stressed out upset and annoyed and I'm agreeing with him just not having anything to do with it anymore. What should happen?

Okay so is this typical behaviour of any child:
She kicks punches shoves other children and her parents
She has bitten her grandmother several times when she has been talking to get her attention
She cuts other children at nursery with scissors repeatedly on the hands and arms to the point she is not allowed scissors anymore
She throws things and her cousins who her GM also looks after
She makes herself sick to not eat her dinner then asks for sweets then when is refused she throws tantrums and resorts to violent behaviour and throwing up
This was all before I was even in the picture
She cries if her dad talks to anyone for more than 10 mins
She wets herself on purpose if she wants to wear certain clothes (too cold for dresses etc) and we put her in something else so we have to change her
She has spit on other children, once I recall because a child got a balloon and the person had run out and she wanted one
She threw a tantrum and her father and aunt watched her shut her own fingers in the door which he had to take to hospital
She's cracked her cousins head open throwing her off the trampoline (2yo cousin, visiting her aunt when her dad wasn't there)
She pinches and slaps her brother if he's crying, even when I turn my back for one second to dispose of nappies/ grab bottle/clothes
Also screamed shutup when she's talking and he's crying

Shes told her dad she's wanted him to die because he didn't buy her enough presents
She's called people overweight fat and said that no one will love them because nobody likes fat people
She's pushed my friends 2yo daughter down a flight of stairs in her house denied it then finally told us the truth saying because she thought it would be funny

Is that typical child behaviour?

The Ex also isn't responsible alone for negative behaviour from dd, before he moved he had her half the week so his parenting will have influenced his dds behaviour just as much as his ex, you both seem to think it's totally ex's fault though so I'm wondering if the "bitchy" "bratty" behaviour has started after he moved away? The most obvious cause of his Daughters behaviour is the impact of her fathers actions and she's not old enough to have the language to express it. He's chosen a new sibling for his dd, a new second home (that she doesn't get to go to), and massively reduced contact with his dd so that he can have a new family. Did he really think that his dd wouldn't be disrupted by this. Why is the ex to blame? And to top it off he's missing the very little contact he has arranged because his partner couldn't travel, and because he didn't put money aside to see her.

If he doesn't phone/face time his dd regular, esp when he's missed contact then his ex isn't unreasonable to mention that. Also when he has cancelled visits what reason did he give his dd?

I'm not sure if he worked out travel expenses and moved away knowing he couldn't afford it, or if he just didn't consider how he was going to manage access before moving. Not sure which one is worse.

That love you feel for your ds, can you imagine moving away from him at four years old and seeing a lot less, can you imagine not going to see him because your partner is unwell, can you imagine not going to see him because you didn't have enough money, can you ever imagine not having time for him? Your partner is getting harsh comments because he's done all those things, he actions and choices are showing that his dd isn't the same to him as his other child. That she's not part of his life now that he has you and baby, and to an extent it's true, she's gone from being with him half the week, to moving away with you to have new baby and the expense of him not seeing her.

You say you think your dp is depressed, he's had big life changes too, could it be a combination of less sleep with new baby, new home, new area, and not seeing his dd causing his sadness rather than her behaviour on the very few times he does see her? It's unfair to make a four year old responsible for the feelings and moods of a grown man. If anything, the father is responsible for his dds negative moods and feelings, not the other way round.

It can be draining when the ex is awkward, and she may have done some horrid things in the past, but it sounds she's been left to handle the fallout of dp moving away, comforting her when she's upset at missing her daddy, and then if she's the one telling her little girl daddy isn't coming cos he can't afford it, daddy isn't coming cos and his partner can't come, as well as going from 50/50 parenting to picking up your dps share too then she probably is a bit angry and possibly stressed.

All the adults need to out this little girl first, through mediation if that's how it has to be. It may mean occasionally dp has to go see his dd without you and your baby because that's what's best for his dd at the moment.

A nursery surely would have excluded her for this kind of behaviour. I smell a rat

1. I asked him to see her but he would have traveled the day after I gave birth? Would any of your partners have left you just 2 days after you've given birth
2. We have repeatedly asked to have her come to us, but ex has refused and threatens to call police if we ever did, plus a 6 hour journey would be a waste of both SD and BF time together unless it was a longer than 3/4 day stay

3.he is only ever in s depressed sad state after going down south, when he is north he is my normal regular happy partner that he has always been

She has been excluded she's been to 3 different nursery And 2 nanny/day cares

Nobody was saying it was normal behaviour for a 4 year old. Clearly it isn't and she needs help, support and boundaries. What she also needs is unconditional love, security, consistency and her Dad. But you've clearly made up your mind, so crack on love.

The child is 4. And traumatised by the sound of it. One day you will learn. Your dp needs to get to court and sort out access for his child and the half sibling of your child together. And you need to support him with that.

Just for the record my DP went on his own to see his DDs a few days after I gave birth, because I wasn't fit to travel. He also (at my insistence) went to pick them up the day my best friend died suddenly and unexpectedly because they were expecting him and it wasn't their fault things were tough. Being a parent isn't an opt in or out scenario, which you will discover as your own child gets older. You don't just give up, no matter how tough it gets. We have been to hell and back over the last few years with various different things (my XH and DPs XW being major ones) but not once have we walked away from our responsibilities as parents/step parents. Hell it would be the easy road sometimes to just chuck our hands up and say "fuck it, I give up." But you can't.

He is also responsible for her behaviour. He is her FATHER. Poor child - she has had so much to deal with in her short life. He is a terrible father whatever way you try to spin it op. Stop making excuses. It is what it is. He is a dead beat Dad who wants to abandon his child and you want to blame it on the 4 year old. Nice.

1. I asked him to see her but he would have traveled the day after I gave birth? Would any of your partners have left you just 2 days after you've given birth

Yes of course

1. We have repeatedly asked to have her come to us, but ex has refused and threatens to call police if we ever did, plus a 6 hour journey would be a waste of both SD and BF time together unless it was a longer than 3/4 day stay

So sort it out through the court and he spends time overnight obviously.

3.he is only ever in s depressed sad state after going down south, when he is north he is my normal regular happy partner that he has always been

Probably because he's not getting support from any direction to have time with his dd. so what you going to do to help him with that as the ex isn't going to????

I did not say you were toxic op, I said the situation sounds toxic for all concerned (and that includes you)

If that behaviour described above is true then that little girl is very unhappy, all the more reason to try and give her love, attention and consistency from all the adults involved. If mum is part of the problem (and one day you might be the 'psycho' ex) again all the more reason for you and your DP to step up not give up.

If that is all true then he needs to go back and live with his parents so he can be a proper dad to his dd.

sorry, but you have chosen to have a child with a man who is responsible for what sounds like an extremely disturbed and troubled daughter, who clearly needs massive investment of time, energy, and yes, travel costs from him. He does sound to me like he really should be living close to her.

But not all of your post makes sense.

the scissors 4 year olds have access to cannot cut arms. 2 year olds don't go on trampolines with 4 year olds. It is never too cold for dresses, and a 4 year old vomiting this much needs to see a doctor.

Her father is responsible for her behaviour and welfare, and why could he not travel because YOU had given birth?

So the kid is a bit of a challenge behaviour wise, most of it probably brought on by the circumstances in her life, and the solution is to give up being a parent and blame the other one for that choice.

So is that how it works when you are a non resident parent and step parent? If the child is not perfect, you just give them up? What happens if your child start acting like a brat, you'll give them up too? To whom? I expect you believe that your perfectly brought up child could possibly behave like that at any time!

My friend's boy was a nightmare at nursery, his behaviour was horrendous and I have to say that I thought he would turn out quite badly. She wasn't a bad mum, just didn't deal with the situation as well as possible, but hey ho, he is now a 16yo boy about to go to college who any parent would be massively proud of. He is expected good GCSEs, working full-time during the summer, responsible and has not got into any trouble since he started secondary school. You would never have believed this when he was 4yo.

So how about you let/support your partner be a parent to his daugher, that means accepting that at 4yo, you educate your child about good behaviour, not expect them to be so just to suit your life, and yes, he can do that every other week-end too. She isn't just an add on, she should be as important to your OH has your baby, but frankly, when I read posts like this, you do start to wonder if these kids are indeed better off without the parent who clearly has no devotion to them.

If the DC attends school it is not practical for her to spend two weeks with you during school temr time as your DP has chosen to move so far from where his DD lives.

You can't have a school attending child for two weeks if you don't live near her school.

Sadly, my kids at various times have done most of those things. They have attachment issues arising from broken relationships early in their lives. With consistent, loving parenting they are massively better.

In this little girls eyes, her dad chose to leave her, he turns up inconsistently and is grumpy and cross when he is there (from your description he is depressed, but she won't see that, she will think he doesn't like her), the new baby is much more loved than her, she doesn't get the attention she wants / needs. Obviously I'm extrapolating this from your posts, but it's not a leap to understand the situation you describe from a child's perspective.

She is powerless in all of this, the adults in her life are all messing this up for her. If you can't all sit in a room together and focus on what is best for her rather than for the adults ongoing drama, someone independent needs to intervene, so seek legal advice / mediation

She's a child op. Not a used car that her father, or you, get to decide isn't worth the trouble. And the more disturbed she is, the more reason she needs extra support, not writing off.

I assume if he fucks off you for another new family, and your child is naturally disturbed because they feel abandoned, you'll be consigning your ds to the scrap heap too as a faulty model?

Look at your son...are you honestly telling m that you wouldn't travel 6 hours to see him even for half an hour because it wasn 't worth it? That you 'd miss a visit because your partner was ill and couldn't come? That you wouldn't see him for a month because u didn't have the time or money?

If even half of those examples are true, the the poor child sounds unhappy, disturbed and in need more parental support, not less.

I am not sure what you want people to say OP? Yes, it's fine for your DP to bin off his ex (and his DD) because it's inconvenient and expensive for you all (after dragging him to the other side of the country) and her behaviour is challenging? I would be really interested to hear the ex's side of the story tbh.

And what goes around, comes around, so if you condone his shitty behaviour towards his DD then you can expect to be on the receiving end of similar for your DS if things don't work out.

we both deeply love her and don't want her to miss out at all, we do everything in our power to include her
I expect the reason why the ex is being difficult is because it is clear from your messages that you and your OH accept absolutely no responsibility for the situation your SD finds herself in.

NO you are not doing everything in your power to include her on the opposite, you've done the two things that will impact most on a 3 yo, you moved away from her drastically affecting contact with her father, and you added a child much too soon in the relationship when your DS was still adjusting to you in her life and her father having moved away.

Those are selfish actions. You clearly can't see it, but they are. So to say that her behaviour is all down to her mum is just shifting blame because let's face it, it's much easier to do so than to look at your own actions and how these are creating the problems.

And no point going on about how you HAD to move. I too as a resident parent HAD TO move at some point of my life, but in the end didn't do so because I couldn't live with taking my kids away from their dad (their dad didn't deserve to have that access, but they deserved it). In the end, as it almost always does, I did find solutions so that I could stay and make a go of it. My kids are now teenagers, very happy well-adjusted kids, and I can look back and feel pride that I didn't put my selfish needs before them and that's why I have caring children who treat me with respect and love.

How can a man work 40/50 hours a week, live with his mum, then move out to live with his girlfriends mum, yet can't afford to visit his daughter?

It sounds to me like you're both just looking for excuses to dump this little girl so you can play happy families together. How old are you both? You sound like teenagers.

You posting that list to slate this 4yr old girl makes you look even more of an uncaring bitch. I don't believe a lot of it - you clearly weren't a witness to all of it, and some of it is entirely down to the adult in charge at the time. But even if a fraction of it is true, it's a sign that this girl is extremely distressed and needs consistent loving support from her parents.

Her dad moved away from her and now it's too much like effort to go and see her - what do you think that does to a child?

What is her dad doing to help her with her behaviour or investigate if there is a medical reason for it? (or is he just blaming her mum?) Any responsible parent would want to help their child, not write them off as a bad decision and move on to the next one.

There is no justification for abandoning her. It is particularly shitty when you are trying to blame a 4yr old for being too difficult for her dad to have anything to do with her, when it's pretty clear it's a case of can't be bothered to care.

She's four years old ffs!

Stop blaming the child. Stop blaming her mother. You and your partner have abandoned this little girl, and clearly dislike her, no wonder she's acting up!

He chose to move away, then can't be bothered to visit. (Time and money are zero excuse... She's his child, she should come first YES before you)

Send your partner to counselling - sounds like he is very conflicted.

Him and ex should try mediation - for the benefit of their child.

Then court if that doesnt get anywhere.

To be nosey - sorry if already answered - how long have you been on the scene?x

Second interesting post, one excluding a four year old and one where the baby may not the fathers due to cheating on him at the time of conception....