AIBU

[Maria1243]

I have 4 month old with partner
He has 4 year old with ex
They broke up when she was 6 months, were on and off for a while then completely cut off relationship and made it only about SD
however she walked all over him, she had him take her only when she felt like it, threatened not seeing her for Christmas because he has new gf(not me previous) had him take SD on her days of so she could do things that she wanted, never gave clothes he always had to buy, yet asked for matinence money plus private nursery money over £200 even though he had her 3/4 nights a week.
Once I came into the picture I learnt he despised ex and I told him not to say anything bad about the mother of his child etc (I grew up with parents at each other throats) but I quickly learned she was a bitch after I fell pregnant and had ectopic scare and she basically laughed at it and said I was taking BF away from daughter (I was hospitalised)
I had a very difficult pregnancy and me and BF tried hard to stay south, however my mother was relocating north offered us a place to live (with her, huge house because company bonus) and to help with baby. BF wanted to go to get away from ex as he knew he was under her thumb and knowing he wouldn't see SD as much was happy to build a new family and in long run would benefit her ( way cheaper to try and get a house than where we lived)
Ex went berserk and even tried to convince him to get back with her but BF ignored and arranged every other weekend where he drives down south to see SD. We have done this every other weekend since October last year ( special arrangement for Xmas) bar the weekend I gave birth because I just could travel and this weekend just gone because he just can't afford it. Ex however now is saying he won't get to see SD again because he's 'inconsistent' and doesn't bother calling, etc and he is a failure
Now recently SD is becoming a bit bitchy and bratty, she's ex only child and is spoilt rotten, any tantrum she throws she gets what she wants, she bites screams kicks and mum gives her what she wants. She even kicked me in stomach (on purpose) at 7 months pregnant just before being dropped to ex, and ex cuddled and kissed her because she was crying and told BF to leave as he was upsetting her. She's rude and unappreciative because of ex raising her, and I have no problem with ex raising her child her way, but I'm not allowing myself and BF to have accept behaviour because of treatment with ex.
AIBU to say to support BF to cut off ex? He hates her (I mean literally hates) he now can't stand SD because of way she's being raised (not that he doesn't love her of course) he can't afford journeying plus doesn't have time too, and all in all he has just given up, and doesn't want to be 3 hours away and still under exs thumb. After weekends down south hes stressed out upset and annoyed and I'm agreeing with him just not having anything to do with it anymore. What should happen?

[Bambamrubblesmum]

Is he regularly paying child maintenance for his daughter?

He has to take 50% responsibility for his daughters behaviour.

This child is in distress and needs her parents to work together.

You are shaping your own destiny if you support him walking away.

[ayeokthen]

DragonsEggsAreAllMine, I just read the other thread re paternity. Actually lost for words.

[NeedAnotherGlass]

I think it's fair to say that this relationship is doomed.

[YouSay]

A very distressing thread for me. I hope it is not true. Hiding it now.

[Cosmo111]

You should be ashamed of yourselves who moves three away from a child and doesn't bother to maintain contact!

[Heavens2Betsy]

I'm usually the last person to side against a stepmum but OMG!!!
You moved away!!! I would be furious if my ex moved up North with his new gf and after just a few months of every other weekend visits said he couldn't afford to travel!
This little girl's behaviour is indeed appalling but she needs an adult to step up, be consistent and parent her properly and he can't do that from 3 hours away. She is obviously acting up as a reaction to her dad leaving, a new baby and if her Mum lets her get away with it she will carry on doing it,
She is your DP's responsibility as much as the new baby - you don't just walk away because your kids are hard work and stressful.
And remember - one day you could be the ex wife stuck at home with an upset and out of control child whos Dad buggered off when the going got tough and started a new family.

[LineyReborn]

You list all the little girl's faults and say they were there before you were in the picture. So she's been behaving like this since she was, what, 2 years old?

Sorry don't believe it.

I also don't believe your DP's 15%-of-salary child support pays for his daughter's home. More like a small contribution towards food and bills and providing her with her own bedroom.

You are incredibly dramatic and defensive, OP. What do want out of this thread?

[Rubixx]

OP you aren't going to turn this thread round. You and your partner are being hugely unreasonable. I'd leave it at this if I were you cause you're not going to see you're wrong and we're not going to tell you you're right.

[Lovemusic33]

I have been (still in) a similar situation. It's hard for people to comment when they have not been in the situation. It's very easy for people to see you as the bad person in all of this, even more so by what you have written.

Starting a relationship with someone who already has children is never going to be a breeze, there's a lot to consider and sadly most of us don't consider it and then before you know it it's a mess , your partner and you are torn, trying to keep everyone happy which is almost impossible when there are other children and ex wife's involved. Something will always have to give.

By moving away from his child he (and you ) have made things a lot harder, it's not as though he can be involved in his daughters life as much as he would like to be, he can't parent her but he has the cheek (and you) to slag off her parenting skills and the way his daughter is behaving. If he wants to have more control and say over the way she is brought up he needs to be more involved, if not then he needs to lump it when she acts like a spoilt brat.

I know it's not easy, due to my partner having young children I feel we are restricted, I would love to move away but I know that would mean putting more distance between him and his kids, I know he would do it for me and in a way that makes me feel sick as kids should always come first. I do feel angry sometimes that choices are not just based on what I/we want, I feel very restricted as to where we can go and what we can do but that's just the way it is.

You can't expect to move that far away to make a better life for one of your dp' children with out considering the other and how it will effect her. You can't expect the child to act how you want her to act when your partner is not around enough to parent her.

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

I don't know the ins and outs exactly, nor does anyone else. But real life is not a rosy as everyone makes out. My OH has worked away most of our relationship and me and DS were very ill after birth for weeks (both nearly died) He continued access with his kids, it made us worse as he just didn't have time to care for us or bond with his new baby. Kids wouldn't stay quiet for me and baby to sleep and his son was always telling me he hates me etc and we had phone calls off ex's best friend asking for details of what was wrong with us both when I'd just been put on high dependency after emergency treatment, he explained he would be late picking them up because me and DS were v ill in hospital. No care or compassion...she wanted a night out and not her problem!
He's now going to be working 7 days a week. I'm on mat pay and we have bills and maintenance to pay. We've had some big unavoidable expenditure so that's what the situation is. My own children miss out on their Dad as well but it can't be helped. It's difficult when you have an uncooperative cow of an ex to deal with, who wouldn't even share the driving to make regular visits possible.
A lot of women don't realise when they're being difficult and trying to control their ex, that it's the children who are affected more in the long run and they'd rather just score points. I know it doesn't excuse it, but I can understand why men get so fed up with the situation. It's a shit game for people to play!

[m0therofdragons]

If a man messed my dc around even once I would be fuming. He moved up north then couldn't afford to travel to see his dd? He's a disgusting father. Most 4yos have bratty moments - maybe because her dad walked out and doesn't call regularly. Obviously for you it would be far more convenient to dump sd and get bf to just focus on you and your baby - wow, what a catch you have if he's prepared to walk away from his own daughter because it's hard.

[lookluv]

OMG - I thought the stepmum forum had been calm and not portraying the step children as the roof of all evil for some time.

This 4yr old used to see her Dad alot, now she does not, new baby, Dady does not want to come, she is 4 yrs old - she is not an adult.

YOu want her for 2 weeks at a time - how in holy hell do oyu think she is going to school.

Quite frankly you and your possible father of your child - are mean nasty childish, behaving like bitches, a bit bratty and need to learn to put the children first.

Unbloody believable

[user1467199884]

My partner spent three years travelling four hours (eight round trip) to see his ds every single weekend, he caught a bus at 6.30am on a Saturday and got back about 9pm on Sunday. We regularly missed nights out, partly because of the timing and partly to do with money (he paid maintenance and also bought all his son's clothes etc.). We never did grudge that because that's what you do for your kids, it was far more important that he was properly fed and clothed than for us to have a night out on the drink. If he couldn't be bothered spending time with his son that would have raised serious concerns for me because a leopard doesn't change his spots, but he stepped up and dealt with the most unreasonable woman I have ever come across, and did the right thing, not for me, not for her or even himself, but for his child, that he created.

Sounds to me like you need to get rid, because when times get tough you will be the bratty bitchy unreasonable ex that he blames for not spending time with your child.

[Oswin]

This post has really disturbed me.
Its so upsetting to think of this poor little girl.

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

User did you have any children together?

[Cosmic123]

Your ex should have used contraception. You all seem to be forgetting the only thing that's important here, that innocent four year old. It's not her fault she was born into this situation and sorry but her behaviour doesn't sound that unusual for a four year old, especially one who has been brought up by a load of conflicting adults who appear by the sound of it to all be pretty childish.

You don't sound like you like the four year old. You need to remember she's four. You are the adult. She will be your child's sister and she didn't chose any of this.

Your partner's responsibility is to that child as much as it is to you and your child. It sounds like you've found the situation very hard and that's understandable but I think you need to put yourself in that four year old's position and behave with a bit more kindness.

Sorry but you did ask.

[Magda72]

OP - I have two male family members who walked away from situations like this. They are both good, kind men who became completely overwhelmed by their exes hate & both genuinely believed that if they removed themselves their kids would be better off as the exes would calm down & everything would stop being so toxic. They were right everything did calm down.
However, what they didn't factor in is the huge gaping hole this decision left in both their lives. They also (naively) believed they would be able to take up with their adult children once they were no longer legally bound to their mums. One man has cobbled together a type of relationship with two of his adult kids but the other (his daughter) doesn't want to know. The other man sees nothing of his adult kids at all - they don't want to know - & this causes him no end of pain.
I could never understand how either of them could do this & it went totally against the good men I know them to be.
Then I met my Dp who has a toxic ex & I sort of got it. I don't agree for one minute that your bf should walk away from this little girl but I can understand why you might both be at the end of your tether at the moment & why it might seem like the only option if you are to preserve your sanity - but it's not.
Your bf needs to either move back nearer his dd & start parenting this poor distressed little girl, OR, he needs to dig in and go to court to obtain rock tight & regular access.
Walking away is not an option & will cause both him & his dd a huge amount of distress in the long run which will also impact on your relationship as he will carry that pain & guilt with him always.
Support him in getting this sorted!
Court really is the best route.

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

Magda did any of the men you discussed go on to have more children?

I have changed my views completely since becoming involved in DPs situation and I have to empathise and say I understand why people walk away with a controlling and manipulative ex as a parent. It feels impossible. It has pushed our relationship to its limit and the stress it's caused I can't even describe. I would never have had this view before I've lived it.

[Magda72]

Hi mumoftwo,
The man who never sees his kids didn't. He remarried but never had kids. He has tried to contact his kids & did meet them as adults but I think his ex was so bitter that too much damage has been done.
The other man also remarried & had two more kids who are both now adults also. They have a friendly enough but not close relationship with their two older half brothers but not their half sister who also has no relationship with her/their dad.
Like you, I never understood how anyone would contemplate this until I met my Dp & I saw just how toxic - for everyone - a truly bitter ex can be. The kids really suffer albeit in a different way, in these environments also.
I know both of the aforementioned men very well & know that they genuinely did what they thought was best at the time. Both cases occurred 30 odd years ago & there was less information on child psychology & the impact of divorce/separation back then.

[sweetbitter]

I'm sure it's very difficult, bit the situation is partly of your own making for moving so far away. We have had the opportunity to move for better job/housing/family support prospects for DP and I but we just don't see it as an option. Staying near DSS is more important.

You are basically asking if things are bad enough that your DP can reasonably and guiltlessly cut himself off from his DD. Some PPs suggest that there are circumstances where that is best. But I am sure there are also situations where it is the easiest thing to do but NOT the best thing. He needs to look at the situation really objectively, imagine himself being accountable to his daughter for the rest of her life.

I do think that for now his contact with her should be just her and him. You have a young baby and clearly aren't in the right place to be part of this right now.

[JustHereForThePooStories]

Be very careful, OP, lest you and your boyfriend split and you very quickly see just how he's able to treat your son the same as his daughter.