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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Would you do it if you had your time again?

80 replies

lampshady · 13/06/2016 18:25

This question may have been asked before but I'd still appreciate input from current step parents.

I've very recently met someone - he had two children (3 and 5) antis very, very newly out of a long marriage. I have one DS who's 6. Never had a relationship with someone with children, and at the moment it's still at the seeing each other a couple of times a week stage, but I am keen.

Would you carry on if you knew then what you know now? I'm trying not to over think things but am concerned I'd struggle, especially as he has 50:50 residency.

Thank you for your wisdom!

OP posts:

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Stormborn20 · 16/06/2016 17:37

Eliza22 - That's so familiar. I met DH long after him and his ex had split. Once in the early days of our relationship he agreed to babysit at his ex's one night when she was going out (I don't agree with saying that fathers 'babysit' rather than parent - but I say babysit in this instance as that's really what it was - she needed someone last minute to watch the children for an hour and her usual sitters were busy so she offered for him essentially to be in her house for an hour while they were asleep), and DH said to me as he went out the door that "because of you, this is going to be one of the last times I get to tuck my children in at night". Even after all these years those words ring in my ears.

AllegraWho · 16/06/2016 18:21

I am sure that you ladies know this already, but it doesn't hurt to point it out again - you are not responsible for whatever damage they think has been done to their relationship and their children.

It's their choices that are responsible for it. Wanting to have their cake and eat it - as in, have all the good that you brought to their lives, as well as the benefits of a live-in relationship with their children - is simply not how life works, and to blame this on you is mind-bogglingly unfair.

Heavens2Betsy · 16/06/2016 18:40

Absolutely right Allegra.
If DP dared blame me like that his arse would be kicked out!!

Pissant · 16/06/2016 18:45

No. I wouldn't.

It's been 10 years now and it's taken me that long to accept the way things roll around here. I really struggled to 'share' DH's time/life/money

It's doubly hard as I have a DC too, but DH is way more giving than I am, and has accepted and likes/loves him?

My advice - take it slow. Keep your own house. Enjoy dating for a few years.

passmyglass · 16/06/2016 21:08

Yes i totally would. I am 10 years in. Dsss were 5 and 7 when i met them. They are now 16/18! Dh and i have dds 3 and 4. As allegra said, dh and i have both seriously worked on our relationship. It has been bumpy at times, but i think ultimately made us very strong. I love our blended family. I feel you both have to be very keen on making it work, being as team and leading your collective dc by example. I also think that plenty of non-blended families wouldnt "do it all again" for one reason or another - family life is tough! The hardest thing for us was when he was a parent but i wasnt. We were on very different pages, so in your shoes i def wouldnt look out for someone without kids. However, the only thing i dont like about your scenario is him being newly separated. Dh was separated for years before he laid eyes on me, and i think went quite off the rails during that time. Good luck!

Wdigin2this · 17/06/2016 08:37

Donut maybe you should think longer and harder about whether this relationship is right for you! You love your DP so much but he is unwilling to consider your needs...like marriage and a child of your own!
You are still young, but you'll be amazed at how the years fly by, and it would be sad if, 15 years down the line, you're still with him, but bitterly resentful that you never achieved exactly what you wanted! Your OP suggests his DC's w/e visits are not easy for you....well it's unlikely they'll get any easier for the foreseeable future! I'm just saying, your life doesn't have to be s*t without him, but it could turn out to be s*t with him!

Wdigin2this · 17/06/2016 08:39

Sorry misread your name tag...Donot

Wdigin2this · 17/06/2016 08:51

Storm I cannot believe your DH said that to you, and you are still together?!!
Firstly, I think men speak instinctively, -not to say stupidly- saying really hurtful things which they later, hardly remember or don't get the seriousness of. Maybe they convince themselves the things they say are true, so they can transfer the guilt...who knows??
But secondly, how did you take that accusation, how did you respond, and how did get over it??
I think I would have been so hurt and devastated at the unfairness, and pure nastyness of it....I would probably never have been able to get passed it, and it would come up during every disagreement!

Stormborn20 · 17/06/2016 10:28

Wdigin2this - you hit the nail on the head. There were other very hurtful things that he said when we first got together that I think were purely driven by guilt about leaving the children in her care, as he was advised it would be extremely unlikely he'd get custody (plus, as she said in solicitors letters, she 'wanted' the child maintenance too much to let them go). Like I say, they'd separated a long time before I met him, but were in the final throes of sorting out their financial settlement, so emotions were still running high. ExW met her partner almost to the day I met DH, but she still calls me a homewrecking whore to the children (although in fact she possibly met him several months prior according to what she told MIL) but that's another story. When I did bring up how hurtful this was in later arguments, he has absolutely no memory of saying or doing quite a lot of things around that time. I think the stress and adrenaline has affected things he recalls from then - and I think I gave him way too much leeway at the time as I knew he was under stress - but I'll never really be able to forget as I've always had too good a memory for conversations...

passmyglass · 17/06/2016 10:34

I agree with others- donot, I would head for the hills. You are so young and have plenty of time to fall in love with someone who wants children with you.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 17/06/2016 13:11

The only time I would say yes is if he's ex had died because I've spent 10 years dealing with DP'S ex and she seems to have made it her life's mission to make our lives hell. My dsc are lovely and DP is supportive, I love him dearly but I wouldn't risk another crazy ex

isntithot · 18/06/2016 08:19

Wdigin2this after last weekend all we have done is look at our relationship. Tons of crying and questioning if we still want to be together and we do. He has 3 dc and only one of them makes my life hellish for 24hrs. I don't/won't blame the dc as they are having poison dropped into their ear by their mother. Myself and DP are getting blamed for the break down of their marriage when in fact it was her that had the affair but she obviously needs to justify her behaviour to herself and everyone around her. Re the baby situation if I 100% wanted a baby I would have had one by now (that sounds so flippant but I hope you get what I mean) I was with my ex DP for 7 years and sadly had a late miscarriage and we never really tried again. The marriage thing well I have given him an ultimatum that his he hasn't by a certain then I'm leaving might not be the best but I'm not waiting around forever.

prettywhiteguitar · 18/06/2016 08:27

I have a doc from a previous relationship and I specifically chose to date only men without children, it's so complicated even with one side of the family with access, holidays, subsequent children. I was lucky to meet dh, I couldn't handle anymore complications !

teaandcake789 · 22/06/2016 13:06

No I wouldn't. If anything happened between us and I found myself on my own again I would never date a man with children and I would advise anyone to think very very hard before considering a blended family. If people say parenting is the hardest job in the world they haven't tried step-parenting!

isntithot · 22/06/2016 13:23

Oh FYI I was donot but forgot my log in

BoboChic · 22/06/2016 13:24

Yes. My DSSs are great. They are a credit to their father and stepmother - moi :).

wallywobbles · 22/06/2016 14:37

Yes. I think so. Mine are 10 & 11 DDs, his are DD10 and DS7. The oldest to youngest girl is 15 months. For us it still works after 3 years. Early days though in the scheme of things. Ask me in a year or 5.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/06/2016 21:33

Stormborn and Eliza - I too have had similar said to me by DP - that I am somehow to blame for a bad relationship with his kids.

It's so incredibly devastating to have someone lay that kind of responsibility at our feet. Kind of unforgivable. My DP also seems totally nonplussed that I should take it to heart, he says I am sensitive. I'm not sure if it's because his previous wife would blame him all the time for stuff and he just thinks it is normal - but it's really destructive.

It is for that reason above that I wouldn't do it again. I had some great times with my step kids. Some lovely times with my DP. But the potential to just be chucked so much crap from step kids, ex wives and my DP just seems all too common. It is a shame though. I'm sure it can work!

OSETmum · 26/06/2016 22:32

Nope, I mean I don't think
I'd change things now, but if I split up with dh now, I would most definitely not get with anyone with children. Mind you tbh I wouldn't want DS to have to have a step dad either! There's just so much that is out of your control when your a step parent: the ex's behaviour, expectations of the SC, financial issues, the ex's new partner... All these things have a huge effect on your life but you can't do a thing about them.

howtodowills · 29/06/2016 14:34

Another one here who wouldn't

And yes I think I would rather be single

supermum87 · 10/07/2016 19:32

Another no here!

I have two beautiful children with my DH who are my world.

But if i could go back I wouldn't.

It's the ex and all the hassle that comes with having step-children.

I do however have a friend who has a step-daughter (8) and they have the most amazing relationship and all exs etc get on and it seems to work amazingly...so there is hope x

Rosewine72 · 11/07/2016 00:02

No I don't think I would, it's definitely harder than I thought , it was much simpler with me and my 2 dcs together .

sparkycus · 16/07/2016 08:45

No .
If I had a do over id run as fast as I could in the opposite direction .

I started out thinking if they children were all treated the same , they would bond and things would be easy .
Never happened . I treated the step kids the same as my own and they just became entitled and horrible to me & my kids.
My daughter was repeatedly punched in the head by my stepson . She was a baby , he was nearly 4 .

I left them in a room together for only a few minutes and came back to see Ss hitting her .

She has a severe mental impairment , learning disabilities & autism .
I cannot prove he caused it , but no one can prove he didn't either .
It ruined my marriage because my husband insisted his son didn't mean to hurt our daughter . I feel he chose his son over our daughter .

I know at 3-4 years old some children are aware of what they do and some are not . But it is so damn hard being around him.

Can't do it anymore . I tried for 11 years to get over this , but I can't just suck it up and pretend this didn't happen anymore .
I've got to live with the fact my daughter will never have a normal life and will always need care .
His son who hurt her will have a 'normal life ' .

I've separated from my Dh and will divorce him soon .. The only positive thing I can see is that I never have to be around the step-kids again .

Rosewine72 · 16/07/2016 10:42

That is awful sparky, it causes such friction in a relationship one of my sds has anger issues and has tried to strangle my ds a few times including at school. My dp gets very defensive about it but if it was one of my 2 he'd go ballistic . So many have talked about difficult exs , I thought it was just me, I'm trying to shut myself off from it but it's not easy !

ByTheSea · 16/07/2016 11:05

No I wouldn't.

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