Would you do it if you had your time again?

[lampshady]

This question may have been asked before but I'd still appreciate input from current step parents.

I've very recently met someone - he had two children (3 and 5) antis very, very newly out of a long marriage. I have one DS who's 6. Never had a relationship with someone with children, and at the moment it's still at the seeing each other a couple of times a week stage, but I am keen.

Would you carry on if you knew then what you know now? I'm trying not to over think things but am concerned I'd struggle, especially as he has 50:50 residency.

Thank you for your wisdom!

[melancauliflower]

You need to watch carefully for what his relationship with mum is like. Is it equal? What were the circumstances of the split? How do all the children get on.
Personally no, I wouldn't do it again. But I have been particularly unlucky with my DH's ex and his DD.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I have stepped back a lot from spending time with my DP's children. We both have similar views on parenting (although he is more laid back and a bit more indulgent as he doesn't have his Dcs all the time) but the big difference is, he feels at liberty to tell off my DCs if they're being annoying etc whereas if I say anything to his dcs when they're being annoying he gets very defensive.

I've found it easier to just keep things separate. He has 50/50, so we get a good mix of time together and time apart (every weekend)

He will rearrange his days sometimes so that we get a night to ourselves once a week when mine are at their dad's, but I have stopped spending my kid-free nights with him if he has his DCs, I'd rather have a nice quiet night alone!

I think that as long as you don't try to force a blended family and you accept that they already have two parents and you can just be a family friend, it can work. I know some people make the whole blended thing work, but I'm sure that many more don't. The pressure is just too much.

[Evilwickedmeanandnasty]

Yes!
When I met my DH, his girls were 8 and 6. It was a challenging time and his ex could be hard work as DH had been granted full custody in their divorce. Since then, we've added 2 dc's into the equation, DD is now 11 and DS is 10. DS is also SEN so can take up a bit more time.
Eldest DSD and I had a tough relationship, she would cause problems between me and her Dad, tell lies to her Mum to start arguments etc., she couldn't cope with being the eldest of a growing brood and after 7 years chose to go live with her Mum where it was 1-2-1. (We think she is possibly bi-polar, her mum tried to have her sectioned a few years ago, but that's another story) so she moved out when she was 15 to live with her Mum. She is now 23.
Younger DSD is amazing - we get on brilliantly and share a very quirky sense of humour, we finish each other's sentences and she has been amazing with her younger brother and sister, she is now 21.
DSD's mum unfortunately died 3.5 years ago (cancer) and eldest DSD has chosen to go no contact with us since then. We have friends who keep us up to speed but sometimes you have to understand that no matter what you do for a child, bio or step, it will never be right and you have to let go. We live in the hope that she will come back someday but have learned not to hold our breath for now...
Moving onwards, we are now looking to adopt to add to our blend. We are all very excited about the prospect of another child coming into our family!
So, despite all the heartache we've gone through as a family over the past 16 years - absolutely 100% yes, I would do it again!!

[Izzy24]

I think it entirely depends on your partner and the relationship you have with him.

If you parent from the same book, talk about things openly and always back each other up then maybe .

[Izzy24]

And I know this won't be a popular view here, but you both have to view your relationship with each other as the primary one - because if that's good and working the roll on effect means it works for everyone.

And, of course, that has absolutely nothing at all to do with a pecking order of love. Because there isn't one IMO.