Would you do it if you had your time again?

[lampshady]

This question may have been asked before but I'd still appreciate input from current step parents.

I've very recently met someone - he had two children (3 and 5) antis very, very newly out of a long marriage. I have one DS who's 6. Never had a relationship with someone with children, and at the moment it's still at the seeing each other a couple of times a week stage, but I am keen.

Would you carry on if you knew then what you know now? I'm trying not to over think things but am concerned I'd struggle, especially as he has 50:50 residency.

Thank you for your wisdom!

[Izzy24]

And I know this won't be a popular view here, but you both have to view your relationship with each other as the primary one - because if that's good and working the roll on effect means it works for everyone.

And, of course, that has absolutely nothing at all to do with a pecking order of love. Because there isn't one IMO.

[Izzy24]

I think it entirely depends on your partner and the relationship you have with him.

If you parent from the same book, talk about things openly and always back each other up then maybe .

[Evilwickedmeanandnasty]

Yes!
When I met my DH, his girls were 8 and 6. It was a challenging time and his ex could be hard work as DH had been granted full custody in their divorce. Since then, we've added 2 dc's into the equation, DD is now 11 and DS is 10. DS is also SEN so can take up a bit more time.
Eldest DSD and I had a tough relationship, she would cause problems between me and her Dad, tell lies to her Mum to start arguments etc., she couldn't cope with being the eldest of a growing brood and after 7 years chose to go live with her Mum where it was 1-2-1. (We think she is possibly bi-polar, her mum tried to have her sectioned a few years ago, but that's another story) so she moved out when she was 15 to live with her Mum. She is now 23.
Younger DSD is amazing - we get on brilliantly and share a very quirky sense of humour, we finish each other's sentences and she has been amazing with her younger brother and sister, she is now 21.
DSD's mum unfortunately died 3.5 years ago (cancer) and eldest DSD has chosen to go no contact with us since then. We have friends who keep us up to speed but sometimes you have to understand that no matter what you do for a child, bio or step, it will never be right and you have to let go. We live in the hope that she will come back someday but have learned not to hold our breath for now...
Moving onwards, we are now looking to adopt to add to our blend. We are all very excited about the prospect of another child coming into our family!
So, despite all the heartache we've gone through as a family over the past 16 years - absolutely 100% yes, I would do it again!!

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I have stepped back a lot from spending time with my DP's children. We both have similar views on parenting (although he is more laid back and a bit more indulgent as he doesn't have his Dcs all the time) but the big difference is, he feels at liberty to tell off my DCs if they're being annoying etc whereas if I say anything to his dcs when they're being annoying he gets very defensive.

I've found it easier to just keep things separate. He has 50/50, so we get a good mix of time together and time apart (every weekend)

He will rearrange his days sometimes so that we get a night to ourselves once a week when mine are at their dad's, but I have stopped spending my kid-free nights with him if he has his DCs, I'd rather have a nice quiet night alone!

I think that as long as you don't try to force a blended family and you accept that they already have two parents and you can just be a family friend, it can work. I know some people make the whole blended thing work, but I'm sure that many more don't. The pressure is just too much.

[melancauliflower]

You need to watch carefully for what his relationship with mum is like. Is it equal? What were the circumstances of the split? How do all the children get on.
Personally no, I wouldn't do it again. But I have been particularly unlucky with my DH's ex and his DD.

[ByTheSea]

No I wouldn't.

[Rosewine72]

That is awful sparky, it causes such friction in a relationship one of my sds has anger issues and has tried to strangle my ds a few times including at school. My dp gets very defensive about it but if it was one of my 2 he'd go ballistic . So many have talked about difficult exs , I thought it was just me, I'm trying to shut myself off from it but it's not easy !

[sparkycus]

No .
If I had a do over id run as fast as I could in the opposite direction .

I started out thinking if they children were all treated the same , they would bond and things would be easy .
Never happened . I treated the step kids the same as my own and they just became entitled and horrible to me & my kids.
My daughter was repeatedly punched in the head by my stepson . She was a baby , he was nearly 4 .

I left them in a room together for only a few minutes and came back to see Ss hitting her .

She has a severe mental impairment , learning disabilities & autism .
I cannot prove he caused it , but no one can prove he didn't either .
It ruined my marriage because my husband insisted his son didn't mean to hurt our daughter . I feel he chose his son over our daughter .

I know at 3-4 years old some children are aware of what they do and some are not . But it is so damn hard being around him.

Can't do it anymore . I tried for 11 years to get over this , but I can't just suck it up and pretend this didn't happen anymore .
I've got to live with the fact my daughter will never have a normal life and will always need care .
His son who hurt her will have a 'normal life ' .

I've separated from my Dh and will divorce him soon .. The only positive thing I can see is that I never have to be around the step-kids again .

[Rosewine72]

No I don't think I would, it's definitely harder than I thought , it was much simpler with me and my 2 dcs together .

[supermum87]

Another no here!

I have two beautiful children with my DH who are my world.

But if i could go back I wouldn't.

It's the ex and all the hassle that comes with having step-children.

I do however have a friend who has a step-daughter (8) and they have the most amazing relationship and all exs etc get on and it seems to work amazingly...so there is hope x

[howtodowills]

Another one here who wouldn't

And yes I think I would rather be single

[OSETmum]

Nope, I mean I don't think
I'd change things now, but if I split up with dh now, I would most definitely not get with anyone with children. Mind you tbh I wouldn't want DS to have to have a step dad either! There's just so much that is out of your control when your a step parent: the ex's behaviour, expectations of the SC, financial issues, the ex's new partner... All these things have a huge effect on your life but you can't do a thing about them.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Stormborn and Eliza - I too have had similar said to me by DP - that I am somehow to blame for a bad relationship with his kids.

It's so incredibly devastating to have someone lay that kind of responsibility at our feet. Kind of unforgivable. My DP also seems totally nonplussed that I should take it to heart, he says I am sensitive. I'm not sure if it's because his previous wife would blame him all the time for stuff and he just thinks it is normal - but it's really destructive.

It is for that reason above that I wouldn't do it again. I had some great times with my step kids. Some lovely times with my DP. But the potential to just be chucked so much crap from step kids, ex wives and my DP just seems all too common. It is a shame though. I'm sure it can work!

[wallywobbles]

Yes. I think so. Mine are 10 & 11 DDs, his are DD10 and DS7. The oldest to youngest girl is 15 months. For us it still works after 3 years. Early days though in the scheme of things. Ask me in a year or 5.

[BoboChic]

Yes. My DSSs are great. They are a credit to their father and stepmother - moi :).

[isntithot]

Oh FYI I was donot but forgot my log in

[teaandcake789]

No I wouldn't. If anything happened between us and I found myself on my own again I would never date a man with children and I would advise anyone to think very very hard before considering a blended family. If people say parenting is the hardest job in the world they haven't tried step-parenting!

[prettywhiteguitar]

I have a doc from a previous relationship and I specifically chose to date only men without children, it's so complicated even with one side of the family with access, holidays, subsequent children. I was lucky to meet dh, I couldn't handle anymore complications !

[isntithot]

Wdigin2this after last weekend all we have done is look at our relationship. Tons of crying and questioning if we still want to be together and we do. He has 3 dc and only one of them makes my life hellish for 24hrs. I don't/won't blame the dc as they are having poison dropped into their ear by their mother. Myself and DP are getting blamed for the break down of their marriage when in fact it was her that had the affair but she obviously needs to justify her behaviour to herself and everyone around her. Re the baby situation if I 100% wanted a baby I would have had one by now (that sounds so flippant but I hope you get what I mean) I was with my ex DP for 7 years and sadly had a late miscarriage and we never really tried again. The marriage thing well I have given him an ultimatum that his he hasn't by a certain then I'm leaving might not be the best but I'm not waiting around forever.

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

No

The only time I would say yes is if he's ex had died because I've spent 10 years dealing with DP'S ex and she seems to have made it her life's mission to make our lives hell. My dsc are lovely and DP is supportive, I love him dearly but I wouldn't risk another crazy ex

[passmyglass]

I agree with others- donot, I would head for the hills. You are so young and have plenty of time to fall in love with someone who wants children with you.

[Stormborn20]

Wdigin2this - you hit the nail on the head. There were other very hurtful things that he said when we first got together that I think were purely driven by guilt about leaving the children in her care, as he was advised it would be extremely unlikely he'd get custody (plus, as she said in solicitors letters, she 'wanted' the child maintenance too much to let them go). Like I say, they'd separated a long time before I met him, but were in the final throes of sorting out their financial settlement, so emotions were still running high. ExW met her partner almost to the day I met DH, but she still calls me a homewrecking whore to the children (although in fact she possibly met him several months prior according to what she told MIL) but that's another story. When I did bring up how hurtful this was in later arguments, he has absolutely no memory of saying or doing quite a lot of things around that time. I think the stress and adrenaline has affected things he recalls from then - and I think I gave him way too much leeway at the time as I knew he was under stress - but I'll never really be able to forget as I've always had too good a memory for conversations...

[Wdigin2this]

Storm I cannot believe your DH said that to you, and you are still together?!!
Firstly, I think men speak instinctively, -not to say stupidly- saying really hurtful things which they later, hardly remember or don't get the seriousness of. Maybe they convince themselves the things they say are true, so they can transfer the guilt...who knows??
But secondly, how did you take that accusation, how did you respond, and how did get over it??
I think I would have been so hurt and devastated at the unfairness, and pure nastyness of it....I would probably never have been able to get passed it, and it would come up during every disagreement!

[Wdigin2this]

Sorry misread your name tag...Donot

[Wdigin2this]

Donut maybe you should think longer and harder about whether this relationship is right for you! You love your DP so much but he is unwilling to consider your needs...like marriage and a child of your own!
You are still young, but you'll be amazed at how the years fly by, and it would be sad if, 15 years down the line, you're still with him, but bitterly resentful that you never achieved exactly what you wanted! Your OP suggests his DC's w/e visits are not easy for you....well it's unlikely they'll get any easier for the foreseeable future! I'm just saying, your life doesn't have to be s*t without him, but it could turn out to be s*t with him!