Would you do it if you had your time again?

[lampshady]

This question may have been asked before but I'd still appreciate input from current step parents.

I've very recently met someone - he had two children (3 and 5) antis very, very newly out of a long marriage. I have one DS who's 6. Never had a relationship with someone with children, and at the moment it's still at the seeing each other a couple of times a week stage, but I am keen.

Would you carry on if you knew then what you know now? I'm trying not to over think things but am concerned I'd struggle, especially as he has 50:50 residency.

Thank you for your wisdom!

[wheresthel1ght]

I would rather be single than in my current situation

[jillyarmeen16]

Not a step parent any more thank god. Very much doubt I would do it again although like you I'm early 30s with a ds of my own and don't want more so finding a man without kids who doesn't want them but also doesn't mind me having one might be tricky.
Dss mum wasn't a problem directly, ex and her were amicable enough I only ever said hello and goodbye to her the couple of times I picked up, but someone else who has nothing in common with you, different priorities to you and a completely different parenting style does have an impact in your home when their kids are there.
My ex and I tried to be consistent with both our respective ds 's but it was a constant struggle and felt like trying to break bad habits every other weekend which of course would be back to square one two weeks later.
In the end I felt like I was having to compromise how I raise my ds based on someone else's parenting or lack of.
Step parenting wasn't the reason ex and I split but the relief I feel not being on eggshells everyother week is emense and I can't say I miss either of them.

[donoteatthat1]

I love my DP so much but if I had my time again I wouldn't go near him. I love my life with him but at the weekends I am ready to walk out the door without a second glance.

I am in my early 30's being with him means I am very unlikely to have my own child and I don't think he will ever get re married (still coming to terms with this).

His ex wife is a complete nightmare who nearly split us up a few times. But I love him so so much and my life would be shit without him.

[WhoGivesAFlying]

donot please think long and hard about the sacrifices you are having to make.....I find it hard knowing I will only have one child due to DH already having two, to have none the resentment as I got older would have eaten me up.

[donoteatthat1]

Thanks who I have told him that I want a child. He has had the snip so I will use a donor and he supports me with that.

It's more the do I want to bring a chid into a family where their step siblings speak to their mum like something they step in. Their mum made it clear that she doesn't like me so the sc act on that.

Sorry for the hijack op

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Well my pre school aged DS can already see the difference in te dynamic EOW, what with different parenting choices by thier mum and dads guilt and Disney they are a guest and treated so.... I gave up long ago trying to make it thier other home, too many obsticals and "rules". I love my DH but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[lampshady]

I can't believe some of the negative experiences people have had - I suppose I must've been quite naive! It's been really useful though to understand what my limitations might be. I'm tempted t have a frank chat with mew boyf about expectations of what we both want in the future and although it's very early days I'd rather scare him off now! Thanks again.

[lateforeverything]

I know that I'm in the minority but I for one would 100% answer Yes to your question.

[FatPatricia]

No, not a chance in hell. Too messy and too heartbreaking in the end, mainly because of the mother but I guess it's all personal experience. It depends on the kids, the ex etc etc.

[AllegraWho]

13 years in, yes, without a doubt, without a thought. 19 year old DD, 14 year old DSS. Sure, it wasn't easy at times, but what ever is ?

What made this possible were two things: first, DP and I were always on the same page and working together.

Second, DP's ex is never going to like me, or have anything to do with me, but I never had any worry about her parenting, and know she will always act in the DSS's best interest.

[Biglettuce]

No I wouldn't in your circumstance.

I'd be wary of a 50/50 arrangement. A lot of contact with the Ex - doesn't allow good boundaries - keeps up a presence of things not having changed. Who works? Would you be looking after the step kids on your own?

Only a year from marriage and young ones... That's too raw.

[Fedupoftheheat]

Also in the minority but I would say yes. My Dh has a DS and a DS and we have 2 sons together. His split with his ex was amicable, I get on well with his kids and they stay regularly. My eldest son loves his older siblings and when he talks about his brothers and sisters he always speaks of them. My Dh has gone out of his way to make things as easy as they can be for everyone, so I know I'm lucky.

[Eliza22]

No.

I love my DH. He's a good man but has allowed me to be treated in such a way that I doubt his love for me. So, the relationship I thought was so strong and nothing could shake, has been compromised. It tells me that this relationship can end.... It's not special. It could all be over, in an instant thanks to his daughter.

No. I would not willingly put myself (and my own child) in that position again.

[Chimpfield]

No no no no never

[Matilda2013]

I'm only three years in but I'd say yes. Dsd (5) is lovely and I can't really imagine my life without her and her dad. Yes her mum sometimes bugs me but she's not a massive problem and everyone gets along quite well!

[TempusEedjit]

Absolutely no way on God's earth would I date a man with dependant children again.

And in your position with it being such a new relationship I'd definitely bail out before I became too attached. I'd also be rather concerned that the ex has already said she'll want to meet you bearing in mind your DP has 50/50 residency. It's not like he's a feckless dad who does the minimum with his kids so she (or the courts) obviously trust him with the DC therefore what's the point in her meeting you unless she's the type to stick her oar in? Tread very carefully if you proceed with this relationship.

[Findingpeace]

Do you want children op? I was 35 when I met DH and 36 when I lived with him and DSD's. I wanted my own child then and although DH was not enthusiastic he would never have denied me a child. Maybe I was a bit of a martyr but I wanted to help DH settle the girls first, who had been neglected by their DM. Then we got caught up in all of the problems of parenting teenagers and before I knew it I was 39, 40... And I decided I was too tired to have a child of my own. We could also see a time in the near future when the girls would move out and we could focus on ourselves and our relationship. I'm not bitter about this and my DSD's will never know my sacrifice or appreciate what I have done to try to make them happy, but sometimes I feel sad at this loss and, as I said earlier, I wish I could have had a little chat with my younger self!
But this may not be an issue for you? I do know SM's with children also have struggles.
As someone said up thread, if you and dp are on the same page in terms of parenting and he values your happiness then it may work out. There are lots of step families who do work well.

[newname99]

Allegra, interested to know if you had 'luck' with your dh or if you were able to assess that your dp would be on the same page.

Dh and I have very similar values and don't have issues with parenting our joint child but he completely changes his parenting with dsd.Dads and daughters are complex and never more so than than in a separated family and I think this is an additional factor.

When I met dh his ex was in a relationship and whilst I understood she might need time to adjust to a stepmum figure her hostility was breathtaking and it transferred to dsd.

Dsd has a very difficult relationship with her mum and I'm sucked into the drama despite trying to detach but it's often impossible as we can't not discuss dsd life when she is wiith us.i.e did you have a good week? "no, mum went crazy at me when I was with my friends".Even if I am supportive but non judgemental in the response I'm left with a sulking, upset, depressed teen.

Eliza,your comments are so close to my feelings.I'm sorry you have gone through it.

[newname99]

Op, I think you are wise to have asked the question.I was very naive as whilst my family and ex are not perfect they did not prepare me for the extent of some people's toxicity.Through dh I have had my eyes opened (and made me come to mn).

[Thymewarp]

The fact that your DP is "very very newly out of a long term marriage" and is willing to date would be a huge red flag to me. I'm not sure he understands how emotionally complex this will be for his two children. He's not putting them first by already entangling himself in a relationship. I could be wrong but it smacks of selfishness and impulsiveness. Neither of these things will serve you in the long run.

Is there enough money from everyone's perspective including his ex wife? This has bugger all to do with reality but rather how everyone feels. If not, then prepare for years and years of solicitors fees and horrible letters. Do you have enough space for the kids to get away from each other? The kids are all very close in age. I have to admit I've not seen one case of a blended family where there were three kids that close in age where it worked from the children's perspective.

Can you detach? Can you be ok with having kids in your house who will show anger and resentment toward you at some point? Can you love and be fair to two children over whom you will never have any legal claim or right? If the relationship dissolves you may never see them again. There is HUGE risk here for the kids. Is he really worth it?

Does he parent in a way your comfortable with? How will you handle discipline? Table manners? Seem trivial - wait until you have to watch a 13 year old eat rice with his hands! And then there's the dreaded you actually agree with the ex-wife and feel DP is being a fool. There's nothing harder for a marriage.

Are you a master of logistics and the diary? It's damn near a military operation planning holiday time with blended families.

Honestly I'd take my kid and focus on him and not go anywhere near this scenario. It's got a statistical snowballs chance in hell of a happy ending.

[lampshady]

Although none of this is what I particularly wanted to hear, it's all very useful. His ex is in a relationship (result of her affair) and is living with her new partner with their children. This is my main reason for not wanting to get involved and the kids don't need another new face and need to adjust to the new status quo. On paper it all sounds a bit car crash tbh.

I wouldn't have embarked on it had I known the grizzly truth from the offset and I'm still teetering on it being a deal breaker, possibly more so now after all your posts, which I really appreciate. I have been given the answers I sought from much wiser women!

I think I'm going to have a discussion of scaling it back and not talking about meeting children etc until we've both really thought about this in depth, and the possible consequences for the kids. I'm naturally very risk adverse anyway and was burned badly from my previous relationship (which ended over three years ago but still!).

Thank you all again.

[AllegraWho]

newname, you know the saying "the harder I work, the luckier I get" ? Think it was a bit like that for us. As for knowing we'd be on the same page -we.were (best) friends before we became a couple, so yeah, we very much knew we would be.

The element of luck or otherwise came in when it came to his ex - she's a good person and a great mum, her and DP just weren't compatible. She could be very awkward and difficult in the beginning, but she always puts her son's welfare first (in a non toxic, non suffocating kind of way), and that can excuse a lot in my eyes.

An ex that actually takes her frustrations on the child ? That's a different story altogether. My ex actually started off that way, but very quickly met someone else and forgot all about us, which really was for the best. So I guess there was an element of luck there too.

Really, in terms of being a step patent, my DP got the bum deal, seeing as my DD's autistic, so that's been a very long hard journey.

He still says it was all worth it, which of course is the correct answer

[Eliza22]

Newname, I think it's the injustice of it all that gets to me. I have had lots of things said of me and I'm not in a position to put my thoughts and views across.

My DH once said he would never "have Eliza treated as persona non grata. If she isn't invited then I don't attend. So far, he has stood by his declaration but in moments of upset, he throws it back at me and claims his relationship with his children as been compromised by my existence in his life. I can't forget those words.

[WhoGivesAFlying]

eliza that's really sad .

[Heavens2Betsy]

No. I don't think I would.
I love DP and it's taken years but we are finally getting to a point where we are all one blended family but it's been such hard work.
I wish I'd met him 20 years earlier as he is the love of my life but his kids and his ex and his family have tested that love to the limit at times.
If we were to split up I can honestly say I would never ever get together with someone who had kids again.