Am I being unreasonable? Long. Step son. Driving me crazy.

[wombat57]

Hi all :) I have been on here when my boys were babies, but it was ages ago. So, new name and saying hi. And just need a vent.

My OH has a son, 7 year old, living in another country with his mother. His mother is a bitch (a lot of problems re visitations, general nastiness, bitter divorce case - she took everything).

We live in Latvia (he was the one who moved here to be with me), his son lives in Netherlands (2 hour flight away).

When we were ok financially, I had no problems with him going to see his son every 2-3 weeks for a weekend, which would costs with flights and hotel sometimes anywhere from 300 to 700USD, sometimes he took him to his parents, so was saving on a hotel. Also, he was coming to us on holidays.

Now... For the last year and a half,we are struggling. BIG time. We have 2 business together:
1 is distribution business, which bring somewhere from 0 to a 2000USD max for now (before taxes, so actually less). From that we pay our rent and some utilitities. That is all it covers.

2 is our 2 restaurants.

One is going ok (but still we just about manage to break even), second is 7 months old and still is in a huge minus every month (it is normal for a restaurant not to get profits for a while).
Every day is a struggle. With staff, with working hours, we have NOT had a break for over a year (and I am not even talking about a holiday, didn't have that in 3 years). In a restaurant business you must be on place every day. Because a lot of the times one of the staff can't come in, is ill, etc. etc, so you have to cover for them. We both work 6-7 days a week.

But the worst is money! We have put all our savings, sold house, borrowed from my mother to make it work. And I believe we can make it work (although some days I curse the day we even started it).

And we struggle with everyday private bills.
We have no luxuries. No extras. My mum pays for our car and my health insurance. My mum and ex support my boys from previous relationships.
We buy cheapest food privately. I stopped my beauty extras (I colored my hair brown, so I don't have to spend money on doing highlights, don't go to hairdresser, don't do nails... Etc.etc.etc.). We do not have family days out (only going for walks). And I think very hard about using car unnecessary (like going to the seaside, which is 30 minutes away).

We live managing our saving (gone now, I have 60$ on my bank account) and that little, what one restaurant brings ( max 300$ a month). And it's to cover food for 4, petrol, and basic necessities.

With ALL THAT, he was not able to see his son much lately. Last time he saw him was 7 weeks ago. Considering our financial situation, we can not afford even that.

I am pregnant now. And working has been hard - I am still doing that. I have to deal with a HUGE stress every day managing restaurants. He helps a LOT.
I have been feeling super sick, super depressed about business. My health is not great. One of us MUST be available 24/7 if something happens. And lately, on call was he.

THIS weekend his son has a catholic confirmation. On Sunday. And he decided to go.
As he feels guilty about moving to another country, he has no consideration for me in these matters. If I even try and bring the subject of him not going for a bit now, considering the whole picture, he completely blows off.
My arguments such as there are a lot of men, who are in the army, work on oil rigs, etc. and are not at home much either, do not work.
If he feels he must go, he must go!

And it drives me CRAZY! I know... He is his son. And I respect that. When money was no issue, I did not mind that at all.
But now it is. If he goes, rent will be paid late, or I will end up asking my mum for money again for food (I will never forget the humiliation of standing in a supermarket with 4$ and thinking what to buy to feef myself and my 2 boys, as he went off to see his child).

And it is not only money. Stress. TONS of work to do. My pregnancy. I physically can not work for 14 hours anymore. And in a restaurant business one must. So if he goes now, I will have to do it. And I am scared. I am scared that I will overdo it and baby will die.

He is a good man on the whole. Despite all the financial troubles we love each other. And I am happy with him. We went through some very horrible times together. And now, privately with us it all is fine.

Just this thing.

Am I being unreasonable that I think that he should just toughen up for a while. Accept that he can not see his son for another 2-3 months while business goes at least more stable?

Or I am the biggest bitch in the world?

What a mess. Anyway, the child shouldn't suffer for his father's idiocy.

The second restaurant should be sold. I think that goes without saying. You cant manage it let alone afford it. If you are still struggling after that then the first restaurant may have to be closed too. You say you will be a sahm when the baby comes. I cant see how you will afford that. You arent financially coping as it is, how will your loss of income be made up?

quickly - I believe in higher power, God, karma, call it what you wish. But I am not religious church goer, so for me a first commune didn't really mean anything. I did my research and I understand that it is an important thing for Catholics.
Also, some of the replies here made me realize that maybe I am being unreasonable.

So yes, I will support him going. And that he stays there for a few days to be able to spend time with his son 1on1.

And I will manage with the business while OH is away. All will be ok, eventually.

Rude,

we decided I'd be a SAHM when we started living together. Which was WAY before our financial problems started.

Now, when baby is born, I fully expect to go back to work ASAP, and, as it is our business I have a prerogative to bring baby with me to work. It goes without saying.

Wombat57 thanks for responding. However I still think the idea of him going back should be considered:

1st - finding a job, which would pay 2-3K after tax is not that easy anywhere. - He doesn't need to earn 2-3k post tax, he just needs to earn more than his efforts are bringing in at home, minus flight costs ( or they may be irrelevant as would be incurred anyway through visiting his son )

2nd - he does not have a property there. So, it is either rent (most obvious would be in the city where his ex lives) so it is at least 800-1000 Euros per month, plus bills, for a 1 bed apartment. Or, living with his parents, in their apartment, which has a tiny tiny spare room, and still see his son EOW, as he would be 2 hour train ride away. Earning 2K - rent plus higher living cost in Netherlands don't really make it worth it. He lives with his parents, if they'll have him - doesn't matter if room is small, he's going to be out earning most of the time anyway. Seeing his son EOW is a lot more often than he is seeing him now.

3rd - despite all, we are a family unit. Taken into account that I am pregnant, and we also have business here, he doesn't want just to drop all here on my shoulders. Practically he'd be helping more by bringing in more income. DS is also his family and deserves to see him. Yes when you've had the baby it should be rethought through.

What's coming through loud and clear from your posts is that you're a grafter. You made a restaurant into a success, it's obviously very important to you to be able to provide for your DCs. But look at where you are - your DM is having to prop you up financially and all your savings have gone partly because you put them in your business but also crucially because your OH was a SAHP for a while. Now he has decided that self employment's the way to go, but I'm not sure that he has got the same work ethic that you have.

IWant - chill. I didn't take anything from my EX. I left him with our house. Took on a new mortgage. He is pretty well off after our divorce and we are still friends.
He does NOT pay ME anything.
He does pays for his kids extras.

If he chose NOT to do so, I would not force him.

All the necessities from MY side I am paying myself for my kids.

And up, until recently, I paid for all of the kids extra activities. So the fact that he is paying now, is only normal, no? If he didn't have the money, I'd accept it, and the boys would go without tennis or private school.
Yet, obviously, ALL the necessity would be paid and they would definitely never go hungry or cold or unhappy!

To be honest, NO ONE supports me financially!

Yes, my mum helped me with our business, but it was a loan. I am just fortunate enough, that she was able to do, and I didn't have to take a bank loan with a percentage on.
But it is a LOAN. And I will have to repay her. Even if business fails.

That is one of the reasons, I have to make it work. I have obligations. Not only to my family, also to the people who work for me.
Closing is not an option, so I and OH will have to think hard about selling it. To someone who will be able to make it work.

IWant - you missing a vital clue: I would not. I was always and still am able to provide home, food, clothes for them. And always will be. Yes, luxuries are out. Holidays are out. Days out are out.
But basic needs, schooling included (just not a private one) are always met.

My ex is not paying MAINTENANCE for his kids. He, obviously feeds them, goes out with them, buys them clothes and toys when they are with him, and together with my mum does provide for their extras, but he does not pay me a single cent per month.
When they are with me, I pay for all MYSELF. Without my mum. Ex. Or anybody.
Yes, we do not eat out (except at our place). We do not buy expensive clothes. We do not buy them toys.
but they are fed, clothed, played with and looked after and very much loved.

Hope I have answered your question.

My mum lended me money. For the business.

And she does pay for our car (it was her suggestion) and for my health insurance (again it was her offer, since here private medicine is better).

What a mess. That's absolutely your making and your backtracking....

Imagine how heartbreaking this must be for his ds. He was left by his dad, who then went on to play at being a SAHD for 6 months to someone else's children.

Ok,

I have spent a reasonable amount of time on here, to understand, that it is difficult to see/advise on a situation without actually ever being there.

Thank you to all of you who have given constructive criticism and advice about OH's son - yes, no matter what, he should always be able to see his dad. :) I am grateful for that.

Don't think I'll be spending more time on forum, as it takes too much time to try and reply to people, who are just rude and pointless.

So, once again, thank you to those ladies who answered my question and goodbye.

Op you have your head in the sand why do you continue that attack the ex wife?what relevance does she have to your situation? I feel your deflecting from your own behaviour. I hope you take on board what the other posters have posted and sort and prioritise accordingly.

Could we all just lay off on the why fall pregnant stuff?! Unexpected things happen, a baby is on the way and that's not going to change. It smacks of the type of thing that is thrown at mums who are on benefits and is just nasty.

OP I get that businesses take awhile to get going. There would be no independent businesses at all if people quit if their business wasn't making a profit straight away. You need to sit down with your dh and plan visits. Also I'd set up a Skype account and get him to chat away with his son as often as possible. Make sure that you are squirrelling whatever you can (even if it's just a few pounds) into a jar. If also look to have a savings plan when you're back on your feet that'll allow you to live comfortably (obviously not extravagantly) for 18-24 months. With that include preplanned flights for him to see his son.

Your post is kind of shocking tbh. You complain he has no consideration for you and yet he literally chose you over his child and moved to another country. That is a pretty huge consideration, very few parents would do that. And then you begrudge him seeing his son and even sound as though you are a good person for allowing it every now and then.

I'm not sure why you opened a second restaurant when even your profitable one has terrible return. Have you seen kitchen nightmares? Well your story is very common there where couples open a restaurant together, think it will be a nice project to work in and end up thousands of pounds in debt and working seven days a week until they have heart attacks at 50. Sell whilst you can.

As for the pregnancy you obviously don't need lecturing but fertility issues or not, birth control would have been a good idea because bringing another child into the world when you're telling your partner he can't see his is awful.

Im afraid you are being unreasonable.

I'm not sure why you think your partner is a good parent. You said about yourself - that you would never move to a different country to your children. If you did, it would make you an awful parent right?

He clearly loves you more than his son. Actions speak loud and he is choosing to stay with you and his stepchildren 90% of the time. He doesn't pay child support. I'm not sure why you think he is a super parent. He probably tries his hardest to see the child now because of guilt.

I think you have it good with your mum and ex, so you can't understand why his ex is so crazy. But wouldn't you be mad at your ex if he decided to abandon his child?

I don't blame you for being selfish - you are fighting for you and your families survival. I also don't blame his ex for being so full of hate because she is doing the same.

You cannot decide that one child isn't worth shelling out for, just because they happen to be the one who is conveniently not in your house needing fed and clothed.

Actually I think the "why get pregnant" view is a valid one. Given both the OP and the DP have children they know how babies are made. I have no sympathy for the "well, we didn't think it could happen so we just didn't bother using contraception" school of thought. Contraceptive failure is one thing, just not using anything because you "thought it couldn't happen" and then claiming to have ended up with an unplanned pregnancy when you're unable to feed the children you already have is just bloody irresponsible. And yes, I struggled with fertility issues for six years but when we decided to stop trying stopping meant starting back on contraception even if we thought it wasn't able to happen naturally.

Starting your own business is a valid prospect if you can afford to do so, or even if, like me, you're unemployed and are seeking a means to earn a living. But when you have children the most important thing is to have a regular income. So if your business is losing you money and taking away from your other incomes then you bin it and find something which makes you money. Currently I am seeking all manner of ways to earn money, but that also includes the five job applications I currently have sitting on my desktop waiting to be submitted. Because a business alone isn't going to feed or clothe my child, and clearly it seems that the OP's business isn't providing for her partner's child from his first marriage.

OP I don't imagine you would have much sympathy if your ex decided to move back to Holland and decided that he would see your baby when he can afford to. The same goes for his existing child.

Completely agree Wanabe, we had years of fertility treatment to have our two children. Two is how many we can afford so we will continue to use contraception until I'm through menopause.

I have spent a reasonable amount of time on here, to understand, that it is difficult to see/advise on a situation without actually ever being there
I think this is directed to posters, but from your first post, I felt this was exactly what you were failing to do yourself, failing to appreciate how your OH is feeling towards his obligation.

I totally fail to understand your rationale that because you are not expecting your ex to meet his responsibility, that it is therefore ok to expect your OH to do so to. Your ex SHOULD be paying maintenance, and it is quite ironic that maybe if he did, then you wouldn't feel so worried about how the money your OH spends on his visits impacts on you.

I have to say that in your case, it is refreshing to read that your OH, despite being pressured, is actually standing up to himself and making sure that being a good dad is a priority. I'm sure you'll value that greatly when he becomes a dad to your own child.