Am I being unreasonable? Long. Step son. Driving me crazy.

[wombat57]

Hi all :) I have been on here when my boys were babies, but it was ages ago. So, new name and saying hi. And just need a vent.

My OH has a son, 7 year old, living in another country with his mother. His mother is a bitch (a lot of problems re visitations, general nastiness, bitter divorce case - she took everything).

We live in Latvia (he was the one who moved here to be with me), his son lives in Netherlands (2 hour flight away).

When we were ok financially, I had no problems with him going to see his son every 2-3 weeks for a weekend, which would costs with flights and hotel sometimes anywhere from 300 to 700USD, sometimes he took him to his parents, so was saving on a hotel. Also, he was coming to us on holidays.

Now... For the last year and a half,we are struggling. BIG time. We have 2 business together:
1 is distribution business, which bring somewhere from 0 to a 2000USD max for now (before taxes, so actually less). From that we pay our rent and some utilitities. That is all it covers.

2 is our 2 restaurants.

One is going ok (but still we just about manage to break even), second is 7 months old and still is in a huge minus every month (it is normal for a restaurant not to get profits for a while).
Every day is a struggle. With staff, with working hours, we have NOT had a break for over a year (and I am not even talking about a holiday, didn't have that in 3 years). In a restaurant business you must be on place every day. Because a lot of the times one of the staff can't come in, is ill, etc. etc, so you have to cover for them. We both work 6-7 days a week.

But the worst is money! We have put all our savings, sold house, borrowed from my mother to make it work. And I believe we can make it work (although some days I curse the day we even started it).

And we struggle with everyday private bills.
We have no luxuries. No extras. My mum pays for our car and my health insurance. My mum and ex support my boys from previous relationships.
We buy cheapest food privately. I stopped my beauty extras (I colored my hair brown, so I don't have to spend money on doing highlights, don't go to hairdresser, don't do nails... Etc.etc.etc.). We do not have family days out (only going for walks). And I think very hard about using car unnecessary (like going to the seaside, which is 30 minutes away).

We live managing our saving (gone now, I have 60$ on my bank account) and that little, what one restaurant brings ( max 300$ a month). And it's to cover food for 4, petrol, and basic necessities.

With ALL THAT, he was not able to see his son much lately. Last time he saw him was 7 weeks ago. Considering our financial situation, we can not afford even that.

I am pregnant now. And working has been hard - I am still doing that. I have to deal with a HUGE stress every day managing restaurants. He helps a LOT.
I have been feeling super sick, super depressed about business. My health is not great. One of us MUST be available 24/7 if something happens. And lately, on call was he.

THIS weekend his son has a catholic confirmation. On Sunday. And he decided to go.
As he feels guilty about moving to another country, he has no consideration for me in these matters. If I even try and bring the subject of him not going for a bit now, considering the whole picture, he completely blows off.
My arguments such as there are a lot of men, who are in the army, work on oil rigs, etc. and are not at home much either, do not work.
If he feels he must go, he must go!

And it drives me CRAZY! I know... He is his son. And I respect that. When money was no issue, I did not mind that at all.
But now it is. If he goes, rent will be paid late, or I will end up asking my mum for money again for food (I will never forget the humiliation of standing in a supermarket with 4$ and thinking what to buy to feef myself and my 2 boys, as he went off to see his child).

And it is not only money. Stress. TONS of work to do. My pregnancy. I physically can not work for 14 hours anymore. And in a restaurant business one must. So if he goes now, I will have to do it. And I am scared. I am scared that I will overdo it and baby will die.

He is a good man on the whole. Despite all the financial troubles we love each other. And I am happy with him. We went through some very horrible times together. And now, privately with us it all is fine.

Just this thing.

Am I being unreasonable that I think that he should just toughen up for a while. Accept that he can not see his son for another 2-3 months while business goes at least more stable?

Or I am the biggest bitch in the world?

You hate giving up on things, but think it's ok for him to give up on his son for a few months! How does that work?

He is not an amazing person. People with children have to plan their decisions accordingly. For anybody moving so far from a child they would have to think if they can afford to visit even if they lost their job. A normal decent person wouldn't live so far away. A couple of hours drive is bad enough, but even then he could have got a coach pretty cheap. He has done one of the most irresponsible things a parent can do.

Lunar - you never made bad decisions in your life? You can judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. And that is what you are doing now.

We are all human. Yes, he did what he did. And he suffered greatly for it and still does. But the situation is what it is. And the answer is to deal with it the best we can. I am just trying to find a way of what to do.

Sorry but you aren't putting your children first. You both work 6/7 days per week. Neither of you can support your own children. He doesn't see his. You are also adding another sibling into this dynamic.

i think you have to let him go and get on with it I'm afraid. It's not really your decision to make.

YouSay - that is why it is vital to sort out this mess asap! This is exactly my reasoning.

Teal - thank you. At least for not judging :)

And a decision to start a business was to make sure none of them ever wanted for nothing

Well that hasnt exactly been successful then has it? You have to feed them in between deciding to get rich and actually getting rich you know!

You and he sound like the kind of bullshitters my exp is. Fancies doing X,Y and Z big 'dream' and runs off to do it with zero planning or contingency all with the justification of "its for the kids in the long term" bullshit, its because you wanted to.

I get wanting to succeed in business but it is not happening here. Even if business number 2 takes off it will hardly be enough to sustain flights back to Switzerland every three weeks plus maintenance as the cost of living is so low in Latvia. All your savings are gone - were you ever ok financially or was it just the buffer of savings? You sound exhausted and maybe that is why you are not thinking clearly. He must go to his son's confirmation.

Rude,

Now I understand where your bitterness comes from... Sorry you had a negative experience with your ex.

As it happens, we did plan. Yes, we decided to take this risk, hoping it will pay off. And, as I have said, I can see the light in the end of tunnel. Finally.

I can and will judge anybody for making a deliberate choice to abandon their child. It was a red oculus risk to take just to live with a girlfriend.

I agree with the other poster that said he should move back ASAP to where he can get a decent wage, support his son. Then when the baby arrives he can visit and send you money.

That should have said ridiculous risk!

Bitterness- no. Experience.

As it happens we did plan

No you didnt. Otherwise you wouldnt be dependant on other people feeding your children as he is. A plan would have involved a contingency for covering all the essentials (food for children bejng quite essential) for the period of time that the businesses werent making money. Your 'plan' has been to expect other people to step in and bail you out.

Um RudeElf has not come across as bitter at all.
I think you know that you're being YABU. You have plenty of replies telling you so. You can't opt out of parenthood, and as he's not your child, it's unfair of you to expect your partner to do so, even for just a few months.
I think that any risk that may involve non-payment of maintainence is very irresponsible. What if your x stopped paying? What would you do/feel?

One last thing here is my practical advice:

1. Keep the distribution business. It is the only one bringing in money.
2. Close both restaurants - the first is just breaking even (I assume that is with both of you working in it and not drawing a salary so not even breaking even). The second is still making a loss after 7 months. A loss you cannot afford.
3. He returns to Switzerland and gets a job. You either go with him or stay where you are.
4. You now have free time from not working 24/7 in the restaurants to either grow the distribution business or set up a new one. Personally I would be looking at a low cost business. Products are so much cheaper in Latvia. Could you export to the Uk? I know some developers that but kitchens, windows etc from there as it is so much cheaper.

YouSay - we were both always OK financially. Before and after we met.
We both had very decent jobs.
When we met, we decided that I should be SAHM. I had my savings, he had nothing as in a divorce ex took all, house, savings, car included (he didn't want to fight, as she was threatening to stop him seeing his son, a few times he had to pay extra to what he was already paying, to be able to take him on a holiday with us, was an ultimatum from her side: either you pay me x, or your son is not going anywhere)
But he had a very very good job. Being able to provide for us, as a family, and also have an arrangement with his son (going there as often as he did, him coming here, etc.). But he was not saving.
Then he lost his job. That is when our troubles started. He started to have alcohol problems.
I could not get back the job I had. And I, foolishly or not, decided to start a business (opened first restaurant). It was a super hard, and I worked my ass off. He was a SAHD for 6 months, with me using my savings to provide for us (I had a VERY VERY VERY decent package). During this time, I was the one who provided all. Holidays (for all of us, him seeing his son, paying for his lessons and childcare).
Restaurant took off. Was a success. He slowly got back on his feet. Seeing as the first one is doing good, I was STUPID (and I now do regret it) to decide to open another one. Which he fully supported and it became our business. More challenging one. Well... After a tough winter (savings gone, sales not going as planned, having to ask my mum), I can see finally the light... I can see we can make it work...
Also, he started his distribution business, which also FINALLY seems to start working.
And, yes, I did fall pregnant (I am ecstatic about it, despite all, as I few this baby as a gift from God. We were told we had almost 0 chance to get pregnant naturally).

So... Am I exhausted? Yes. I am. Both physically and mentally. And despite of what some of you might think - I am not a bitch. And do consider myself quite a good mother (even with long working hours, own business gives you some flexibility, like spending afternoon with kids, and making sure you are always on their school plays, etc. Scheduling work, so I work later in the evening).

As for him going - yes... I know he should go. And, I will support him going. Just need to think where to get the money for him being able to do so.

No I don't judge you OP
But in life we have to learn acceptance. Even to keep the peace it's worth it. You are PG and stressing will be more damaging than hard work. Good luck

Does he have another child? Or did he go back to live with his son for 6 months to be a SAHD?

I feel desperately sad for this poor little boy who doesn't seem to have been considered at all - not when his father left him to go and live in a different country, not when that same father stopped financially supporting him and not now he won't be attending his religious ceremony. You're in Latvia so you know what a big deal that is. I had cousins and second cousins and my dad's bloody cousins come to mine from hundreds of miles away. It really is one of those things that you just don't miss.

We were living together. He was a SAHD with me. I worked, he looked after the house, and was trying to start up his distribution project.
He didn't go to live with his son, but continued seeing him every 2-3 weeks for 5-6days. Plus half the holidays...

Anyways, I appreciate all the replies, I think I got all the views and now it is time for us to think what to do next to get out of this mess, with children suffering least.

Why doesn't he want to get a job short term in the Netherlands?

It does seem like the most obvious short term solution to save on flight costs and increase income. Unless part of the problem is that he isn't actually terribly employable and wouldn't want to take a lower job than he's used to.

Rookie - several reasons.

1st - finding a job, which would pay 2-3K after tax is not that easy anywhere.
2nd - he does not have a property there. So, it is either rent (most obvious would be in the city where his ex lives) so it is at least 800-1000 Euros per mont, plus bills, for a 1 bed apartment. Or, living with his parents, in their apartment, which has a tiny tiny spare room, and still see his son EOW, as he would be 2 hour train ride away. Earning 2K - rent plus higher living cost in Netherlands don't really make it worth it.
3rd - despite all, we are a family unit. Taken into account that I am pregnant, and we also have business here, he doesn't want just to drop all here on my shoulders.

Sorry but another one here saying why on earth with all your financial problems, did you get pregnant? There'll be even less disposable money- who do you expect to take the hit? Exactly. Sorry, I'm a stepmum and usually have utmost sympathy but afraid I have none here.

Do you accept that a child's confirmation is a huge event in their life?
It isn't just another weekend.
Do you agree?