Am I being unreasonable? Long. Step son. Driving me crazy.

[wombat57]

Hi all :) I have been on here when my boys were babies, but it was ages ago. So, new name and saying hi. And just need a vent.

My OH has a son, 7 year old, living in another country with his mother. His mother is a bitch (a lot of problems re visitations, general nastiness, bitter divorce case - she took everything).

We live in Latvia (he was the one who moved here to be with me), his son lives in Netherlands (2 hour flight away).

When we were ok financially, I had no problems with him going to see his son every 2-3 weeks for a weekend, which would costs with flights and hotel sometimes anywhere from 300 to 700USD, sometimes he took him to his parents, so was saving on a hotel. Also, he was coming to us on holidays.

Now... For the last year and a half,we are struggling. BIG time. We have 2 business together:
1 is distribution business, which bring somewhere from 0 to a 2000USD max for now (before taxes, so actually less). From that we pay our rent and some utilitities. That is all it covers.

2 is our 2 restaurants.

One is going ok (but still we just about manage to break even), second is 7 months old and still is in a huge minus every month (it is normal for a restaurant not to get profits for a while).
Every day is a struggle. With staff, with working hours, we have NOT had a break for over a year (and I am not even talking about a holiday, didn't have that in 3 years). In a restaurant business you must be on place every day. Because a lot of the times one of the staff can't come in, is ill, etc. etc, so you have to cover for them. We both work 6-7 days a week.

But the worst is money! We have put all our savings, sold house, borrowed from my mother to make it work. And I believe we can make it work (although some days I curse the day we even started it).

And we struggle with everyday private bills.
We have no luxuries. No extras. My mum pays for our car and my health insurance. My mum and ex support my boys from previous relationships.
We buy cheapest food privately. I stopped my beauty extras (I colored my hair brown, so I don't have to spend money on doing highlights, don't go to hairdresser, don't do nails... Etc.etc.etc.). We do not have family days out (only going for walks). And I think very hard about using car unnecessary (like going to the seaside, which is 30 minutes away).

We live managing our saving (gone now, I have 60$ on my bank account) and that little, what one restaurant brings ( max 300$ a month). And it's to cover food for 4, petrol, and basic necessities.

With ALL THAT, he was not able to see his son much lately. Last time he saw him was 7 weeks ago. Considering our financial situation, we can not afford even that.

I am pregnant now. And working has been hard - I am still doing that. I have to deal with a HUGE stress every day managing restaurants. He helps a LOT.
I have been feeling super sick, super depressed about business. My health is not great. One of us MUST be available 24/7 if something happens. And lately, on call was he.

THIS weekend his son has a catholic confirmation. On Sunday. And he decided to go.
As he feels guilty about moving to another country, he has no consideration for me in these matters. If I even try and bring the subject of him not going for a bit now, considering the whole picture, he completely blows off.
My arguments such as there are a lot of men, who are in the army, work on oil rigs, etc. and are not at home much either, do not work.
If he feels he must go, he must go!

And it drives me CRAZY! I know... He is his son. And I respect that. When money was no issue, I did not mind that at all.
But now it is. If he goes, rent will be paid late, or I will end up asking my mum for money again for food (I will never forget the humiliation of standing in a supermarket with 4$ and thinking what to buy to feef myself and my 2 boys, as he went off to see his child).

And it is not only money. Stress. TONS of work to do. My pregnancy. I physically can not work for 14 hours anymore. And in a restaurant business one must. So if he goes now, I will have to do it. And I am scared. I am scared that I will overdo it and baby will die.

He is a good man on the whole. Despite all the financial troubles we love each other. And I am happy with him. We went through some very horrible times together. And now, privately with us it all is fine.

Just this thing.

Am I being unreasonable that I think that he should just toughen up for a while. Accept that he can not see his son for another 2-3 months while business goes at least more stable?

Or I am the biggest bitch in the world?

Uptown,

Up until very recently I was the one who took on 70% of my kids costs.
If I didn' t have an ex, who is the way he is (great) and my mum (who adore her grandchildren), my kids would have to survive without tennis, private school, etc.
But they would definitely be clothed and fed and still very much loved.

no I'm sorry they wouldn't be fed because you clearly said that you were wondering how you would feed yourself and 2 children with $4

So your kids have enough that they have tennis lessons and private schools yet when it comes to his son he gets nothing..no maintenance and not even a visit?

Wombat57 - you clearly have a very strong work ethic which is great, but it seems like utter madness in the circumstances that you were in that the two of you set up a business which you already know requires huge commitment time-wise and took all of your finances to pull together. That's before you add the unplanned for pregnancy.

Your OH is not in the forces or on an oil rig. He chose to move very far away from his own DS and set up a risky business with all the money that he had, and then some.

It does sound extremely stressful for you and I do have some sympathy - unfortunately hard work does not conquer all. Your OH should see his DS but he does sound a bit spontaneous about it which is not great on a limited budget. Presumably it would be a bit cheaper if he preplanned his visits and bought flights in advance - could that be a way to cut down the costs?

Also is there not a way that one of you could go back to better paid work if you aren't ready to throw in the towel on the restaurant. Thing is I'm sure you're working very hard, but if it's as waiting staff then you'd be better for one of you trying to earn a bit more income. Could your OH work back in the UK for a bit and stay with his parents ? That way at least he'd be earning British wages and could see his son more often? Not for ever but just in the short term - after all as you say this is only for a short period until things pick up.

You sound awful.

Uptown - it was a one off. And resolved the next day.
Cash flow problems. By the way, due to the fact, that OH chose to go and see his son, regardless the situation at that point.
And never again.

So, no. I am NOT struggling to feed my kids. Nor clothe them.

All extras are what my ex and my mum are providing for.

Vixx - yes, they do. As my ex and my mum provide all extras. Which I am very thankful for. If I didn;t have my mum or my ex, they would have to go without. I somehow don't think I can ask my mum to give me cash instead, so he can go and see his son instead. It is not her cross to bear.

His son has the same, as her parents do the same at the moment.

Rookie - it is Netherlands, not UK. And yes, we considered that option too. him going back there, so he can find a job there. But, he chose not to.

And, yes. He is spontaneous. He DOES not plan. So, yes, tickets are being bought last minute. And I am always the last to know when he decides to go.
But I am used to that, and as I have said, am fine with it, when we can afford it.

so your children can have private school and lessons ect from their father but his child can't even have his father visit him for his confirmation ?

you are in the wrong you know you are in the wrong and all you are looking at is your needs and your children's and not his son's

if i was him i would go visit his son and stay there because you are clearly a very selfish person and i wouldn't want to spend my life with a selfish person

his son is already paying the price of you and his father opening a second restaurant by not having any maintenance paid (which means he could be missing out on all those great clubs that your children get to do)and now you want him to not see his dad because you are pregnant and tired.

ask your mother to go and work in the restaurant or suck it up and do it yourself

To answer your question, yes yabu.
You're in a shit situation. The answer isn't for that little boy to not see his dad.

Umbongo, and why do I sound awful? Because I am scared shitless of my baby dying? Of loosing all income? Of having to start all over again?

I am a very honest person. And I feel for that boy. Probably more than his own mother does (who once, in a temperature of +5, took him to the station so his dad can pick him up, UNDRESSED publicly him at the station, put on the pajama and slippers, and told that since it is my DH's turn to look after him he should buy him some new clothes). And it is only a small part of it.
And considering his ex craziness, I fully supported DH having full custody of his son, meaning him living with us. Unfortunately it did not happen.

So, am I an awful person for thinking that we suck it up, bear it, work hard for the next three months, and then he can go to his routine of seeing his son.
If that makes me awful, so be it.

Sorry his first priority is to his son - not to you, not to your business and not to your kids. Everything else comes second. Of course he should go to his Confirmation which is a big deal in a child's life.

You have been struggling for the last year and a half in business. Can you really see it turning around now? With the wages so low in Latvia and the maintenance costs he needs it is not the country for him. He should move back to Switzerland and earn from there.

that boy ??

enough said

It is not her cross to bear

Nor is it his son's

I seriously can't believe what I'm reading. Your husband is a top class twat for abandoning his child for you. And an even bigger idiot for bringing another child into the world during this mess.

I feel so sorry for his son, it is not ok to do what you are suggesting. I have no idea what kind of person could move so far from their child, no decent human being could.

I think you've (as a couple) have made a series of bad decisions (him moving to latvia, investing all money and loaning money for 3 new business, choosing to have another child) and the chickens have come home to roost. (You cant afford or manage all you have taken on). The sensible and adult response to all that is to admit your mistake and cut back to a manageable commitment. Not to cut the relationship with one of your children, however temporarily you intend that to be. It is a massive message being sent to that child about where they come in the list of priorities.

Rude,

Yes. That is what I started to think too. 2nd restaurant probably should be sold asap... Even though I hate giving up on things. But at the moment it is too much.

Thank you for your honest and fair reply.

I'm not surprised his ex is causing problems.

Father moved away from his son - at least a 2 hr flight and £££;
He isn't paying any maintenance yet your kids go to all of their clubs etc;
You are now saying that the father cannot see his son get confirmed;
You are now saying that the father shouldn't see his son for at least 3 months;
The father's partner is now pregnant ( fertility problems?? - he has already proved he can make a boy).

You are being very selfish. It is al me, me, me. Poor boy.

And you wont like this but he needs to reinstate his child support payments immediately.

I do not get to opt out of feeding or clothing my children. I dont get to take on 3 businesses or move country and abandon them. If i did my children would be taken into care. Feeding your children is not optional. I will never understand how any person thinks it is acceptable to not feed and clothe their children just because they dont live with them. That it is possible is an absolute shame on this world.

Lunar - he is NOT a twat!

He is amazing. And human. Ad, up until recently, he was going to see his son EVERY 2-3 weeks for 5-6 days! Spending quality time with him! He was staying with us half of all his holidays.
Also we made sure, that his lessons were paid, and he was looked after financially.

I can't see this arrangement being different from other arrangements divorced parents usually have!

Yes, now we have problems, and my OH suffered greatly about not being able to see his son, but as soon as those problems are resolved, he will be back to the same routine!

He needs to plan his visits better in advance and take advantage of early booking reductions. It is not fair on anyone to just go on a whim. He can book flights and hotels up to a year in advance so everyone can plan around that. He absolutely should be seeing his son but he can do it sensibly and do it in a way to reduce financial outlay.

Itisbetter

My kids go to their clubs, as my mum and my ex pay for them.
His son also goes to clubs and sports, as her parents are paying for them.

His son is an IVF baby.

Rude, for child support we simply have no money. Unless I ask my mother. And I do not think she will do it.
His parents do not help out financially at all.
I am all for him taking financial responsibility for his son, but at the moment situation is what it is. We can't afford him buying a ticket at the moment.
It is not about me stopping him seeing his son - I support it. Also support child support he has to pay. But what if this month it is just not an option?
I would like to hear suggestions to what to do in an EXISTING situation.

Personally if i couldnt feed my children i would be selling anything not fixed to the floor.

Then you need a plan B. He moves back to Switzerland to earn and decent wage. He can then travel to see you and your baby every three weeks. He will be able to send maintenance which should help your financial situation. It is not working. It is too much. Even with previous fertitlity issues there was always a very good chance this would happen without contraception. What a mess.

But then i tend not to make financial decisions that will leave me unable to feed my children. Because i think of my children first.

As it happens, Rude, we think about our children first.
And a decision to start a business was to make sure none of them is ever wanted for nothing.
And yes, it is a damn hard work for now. And now we have to make another decision to stop or give it one last try.