help! my partners ex is trying to rule my life.

[red3112]

My partner has two children who stay with us from Friday to Sunday and when their mother decides that he should have them throughout the week. My partner is ill and unable to work at the moment and is not intitled to any benefits as I work full time. I provide everything for the children while they are at ours. Their mother has been more than happy to let me do this. All I ask is that my partner drive me to work and back. I don't think it's a lot considering my wages pay for everything. No the children mum had decided that he isn't allowed to take the children in his car, which means I have to use public transport. This is going to cost me £40 if not more and I can't afford this added expenses. I've already given up all of the things I that I can so that we can afford to pay for all our bill , food ect. I was wondering if I could insist that she provide food ect for the children when the stay with us? I need to know where I stand legally. I'm at my wits end. She says that I don't count, it is only her and her children that should matter. I really want to reply we if that is the case then my money doesn't matter either but want to check this out before I do. I don't want to give her any thing to use against us with this. Someone please help me before she ruins my life any more! !!!

sounds all really odd and it seems that you are trapped in a toxic triangle.
First your relationship with your DP seems to have a very strong financially dependent tone to it. This means he is dependent on you but cannot give anything in return. It is called co-dependency. His ex has him at his balls, blackmail to see the kinds, signing contracts to comply with her demands etc.

To resolve this issue, you need ground rules and a financial plan. For example, he can borrow an agreed amount of money from you every month for the children until he is back at work. Step back from the situation and focus on yourself by making clear rules. One rule is for your partner to "grow some balls" and stop being anxious not seeing the children again. To stand up to the ex. He literally wants it all but does not give much back other than making you stressed, frustrated and poor - and feeling alone with the problem. Where is the partnership? I agree with many replies and the problem is you and him, for not having clear boundaries to keep the ex out. Have you considered speaking the ex to get things clear? To ask if the car-demand is true? In my opinion, I would have problems trusting your DP because his boundaries are wonky.

Make sure not be played for your generosity and good natured soul. Have you thought about volunteering? The community would benefit from kind-loving people like yourself, for example a hospice or so.

By stepping away from the situation, you could even save some money and get a coat yourself or do a driving licence - "independence".

…get a car yourself…. - sorry - autocorrect is weird sometimes

also there is not need to feel guilty to stand for yourself and to demand clear boundaries…you owe it to yourself as much as he owe you to be a trusting partner and to provide an emotionally safe home…and as much as he owe you $

asking for emotional safety in a relationship does not cost a thing and should come easy - respect, feeling valued, a 'thank-you' here-and-there, being supportive...

as soon as it does not come easy, then it means that disrespect etc comes easier and it means that there is a fundamental basis of the relationship missing or wrong. nothing will come out of bad foundations that are made out of the choice not to provide emotional safety

but you DP can change if he chooses to do so…and you demanding it and getting it signed by him on a piece of paper.