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Original poster

help! my partners ex is trying to rule my life.

103 replies

red3112 · 04/04/2016 16:39

My partner has two children who stay with us from Friday to Sunday and when their mother decides that he should have them throughout the week. My partner is ill and unable to work at the moment and is not intitled to any benefits as I work full time. I provide everything for the children while they are at ours. Their mother has been more than happy to let me do this. All I ask is that my partner drive me to work and back. I don't think it's a lot considering my wages pay for everything. No the children mum had decided that he isn't allowed to take the children in his car, which means I have to use public transport. This is going to cost me £40 if not more and I can't afford this added expenses. I've already given up all of the things I that I can so that we can afford to pay for all our bill , food ect. I was wondering if I could insist that she provide food ect for the children when the stay with us? I need to know where I stand legally. I'm at my wits end. She says that I don't count, it is only her and her children that should matter. I really want to reply we if that is the case then my money doesn't matter either but want to check this out before I do. I don't want to give her any thing to use against us with this. Someone please help me before she ruins my life any more! !!!

OP posts:
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Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 04/04/2016 18:12

I also don't understand why the children have to come with you for the work run, unless you've got an hour long commute or something they'll be fine on their own for a bit surely?!Confused

Tiggeryoubastard · 04/04/2016 18:13

Apologies. You did say so.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 04/04/2016 18:13

OP has already said she can't drive!

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 04/04/2016 18:13

X-post

OpenMe · 04/04/2016 18:14

So her new "rule" has had a significant impact on her as well as you? I'd say she's genuinely worried, justified or not.

tellmemore1982 · 04/04/2016 18:14

I don't understand why one of the kids would tell the police that he was too drunk to care for them if he was actually sober?

If I was the mother I would also believe my child over and above anyone else.

Had he been drinking anything at all on the night of the accident OP?

Tiggeryoubastard · 04/04/2016 18:14

Stop paying her and use the money to learn to drive. If she complains then explain she's brought it on herself with her ridiculous demands.

SilkandSteel · 04/04/2016 18:15

Tigger OP has clearly stated upthread that she had to give up her driving lessons due to cost

Original poster
red3112 · 04/04/2016 18:17

Cannotlogin please read all my posts. I give money to her for things for the boys. I don't want to go down this road but I don't feel I have any other options. I totally disagree with using the children but it may come to that. What do you suggest I stop paying so I cover the extra cost I now have my rent council tax gas electric?

OP posts:
Original poster
red3112 · 04/04/2016 18:18

There mother told the police that after phoning to shout abuse to us

OP posts:
tellmemore1982 · 04/04/2016 18:20

OP for clarity - in your description of the accident, who told the police the police that he was too drunk to care for them - her or the kid? You omitted the person, sorry if I have misunderstood that bit.

Could the kid have told her that your DP had been drinking anything?

ShutUpSirius · 04/04/2016 18:20

If mother won't allow kids on the car... How more freaked out is she likely to be by kids left in the house.

Be honest those suggesting that.....

There is no way OP can suggest that

RidersOnTheStorm · 04/04/2016 18:22

Stop paying her extra as well. Stand up for yourself and your poor DP.

CodyKing · 04/04/2016 18:23

Why are you paying for the kids stuff?

Do you send a monthly amount - or just cover bits whilst at yours?

You need legal advise - and a DH with a back bone to stand up to her.

No! They will be in the car! No! I will see them on my arranged days -

Keep saying it

Original poster
red3112 · 04/04/2016 18:26

Honestly she doesn't. She has left them home on their own during the night. The 11 year old has a condition that means his wouldn't be seen as being responsible enough to be on his own at home. All this when all I wanted to was what my rights were.

OP posts:
Original poster
red3112 · 04/04/2016 18:28

She told the police

OP posts:
VinoTime · 04/04/2016 18:31

Okay, so the next time she shows up your partner needs to tell her that the contract is illegal, cannot be enforced and that she is more than welcome to go through the courts if that is what she wants. He needs to stop playing into her hands and giving her all the power. He needs to stand up to her! He also needs to make it very clear that when the children are on his time, she cannot dictate how they spend that time. He needs to speak to a lawyer about this.

With her entire weekend free, I doubt very much this woman is actually wanting to stop contact. She just wants to be a controlling, spiteful little witch and she wants you both to know she's top dog. That has to stop.

Herewegoagainfolks · 04/04/2016 18:35

Can your DP start teaching you to drive himself? That might help with at least that issue.

VinoTime · 04/04/2016 18:36

And stop paying her! Good grief. You sound like you really, really care about them OP but they aren't your children and you are not financially responsible for them. Put that money towards learning to drive.

cannotlogin · 04/04/2016 18:38

Your rights are that you have no legal obligation to pay child maintenance (sorry, it wasn't clear to me that was the case).

You have no moral right to insist that the children bring food with them. Nothing to stop you asking from a legal perspective, but you'll look a total fool in court.

calamityjam · 04/04/2016 18:44

We used to get this a lot from dp's ex. Firstly, a solicitors letter is not worth jack shit, unless it is backed up by a court order. We found this out as ex p used to get legal aid so she used to send them as others would use text messages! it would cost us 200 quid each letter. Your dp needs to stand up to her now. Call her bluff, carry on as normal using the car etc. If she says no contact, turn up to pick them up. At least the children can see dad is making the effort to see them. If she persists then take her to court. Actually court or mediation at least is what you are probably best off doing to be honest. Access, in your case, needs to be set in stone as well as other details including car travel and maintenance. This way she cannot deviate from what is agreed.

OceanView · 04/04/2016 18:55

OP you are not obligated to do or pay anything towards your partners children. Your partner is and you as he can't you have chosen to take that responsibility on. I think that is a lovely thing you have done but it's obviously causing you alot of upset and worry.

Here are the facts. You don't have to do anything more than you want to. Your DP needs to sort the rest out and where access is concerned, he really should get something legal in place. Until this happen you are not going to feel able to get off this roller coaster.

I do understand your want to help out DP to the best of your availability and I have no reason to doubt that he wants what is best for his children and is suffering from the conditions that you state but it does boil down to this. Whilst you are shouldering the responsibility and stress he is happy to let you. For your own sanity I think you need to force your DP to take back some control by relinquishing your responsibilities that he has been happy for you to take on. Ultimately, they aren't your kids and you shouldn't have to be picking up the lions share of the work between you and your DP.

I do however, think it's lovely that you want to. Your obviously care for your DP and his children very much. You have some difficult decisions to make.

OceanView · 04/04/2016 18:58

Oh and with regards to the ex. She is obliged to provide anything for her children upkeep whilst in your care. That is your partners responsibility.

But by the same token, she shouldn't be able to dictate how they're time is spent when with you (unless she has something solid to back up her concerns). He needs to get this sorted. HIM, not you.

bitchingtwitching · 04/04/2016 18:58

OP you say your DP has overdosed due to depression. My children's dad has done this in the past and we were referred to social services because of the potential risk to the dc's if he was suicidal. I was specifically advised not to let him drive them anywhere.

OceanView · 04/04/2016 18:59

Isn't not is.