help! my partners ex is trying to rule my life.

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My partner has two children who stay with us from Friday to Sunday and when their mother decides that he should have them throughout the week. My partner is ill and unable to work at the moment and is not intitled to any benefits as I work full time. I provide everything for the children while they are at ours. Their mother has been more than happy to let me do this. All I ask is that my partner drive me to work and back. I don't think it's a lot considering my wages pay for everything. No the children mum had decided that he isn't allowed to take the children in his car, which means I have to use public transport. This is going to cost me £40 if not more and I can't afford this added expenses. I've already given up all of the things I that I can so that we can afford to pay for all our bill , food ect. I was wondering if I could insist that she provide food ect for the children when the stay with us? I need to know where I stand legally. I'm at my wits end. She says that I don't count, it is only her and her children that should matter. I really want to reply we if that is the case then my money doesn't matter either but want to check this out before I do. I don't want to give her any thing to use against us with this. Someone please help me before she ruins my life any more! !!!

Unimaginative it doesn't take much to understand that the op works during her dp's contact time with his kids ergo he has to drive her to work. Not sure why you couldn't get that for yourself!

Op the contract she has imposed is not legal. Your do needs to take legal advice and fast. Lots do a few consultation or the CAB will be able to help him.

Due to your low income you may also qualify for exception for court costs so it might be worth looking into it and applying to get a contact order.

His ex is being a twat. And as much as I don't agree with parents shirking their financial responsibility his ex needs to realise that of your do isn't working then under uk law you actually have no obligation to pay her anything. So if she wants help with school trips etc then you cannot afford to use public transport and he children will need to travel in the car. If she is adamant that she won't allow it then I strongly suggest that you stop giving her money. Put what you can afford aside for the children in a saving account but it might take some drastic warfare tactics to make her be reasonable

Because she stated she works full time and contact is only weekend?

No need for the rudeness!

Why won't you drive yourself?

You really are being unfairly treated. Both by some mumsnetters here and most definitely your DP.

You work full time. Your DP is capable of driving the car. His illness doesn't limit this.

The form she made him sign isn't legal. Keep all the conversations. Document them. If she threatens to pull access again take her to court

You have every right to be annoyed.

I was a single mum never once did I pull that crap with my ex.

She is controlling. I haven't thought you said anything negative about the children at all.

If anything they are lucky you are with their dad. If he was on benefits due to being unable to work they would have less.

Chin up.

OP has clearly stated she can't drive. Nor can she afford to learn.

My husband can't drive. Nor can we afford for him to learn. Currently he walks to work or I drive him. Public transport here isn't great.

What exactly is her objection to them being in the car?

When he has them at weekends does he never take them out?

I feel like you're getting a lot of crap here for no reason.
What she is doing is completely unfair! You need to tell her that if she wants money for trips, uniforms and her children to be fed etc when with you, your DP needs to take you to work!
I believe you need to go through courts to get contact fully established. I cannot stand women who use their DC as weapons - it is just nasty.
Does your DP pay her maintenance?

I work some weekends and that's when they stay with their dad. So this is why they are with him when he takes me to work

Why is not being able to drive something that people can't comprehend?!
Im in my mid thirties and only passed a few years ago. My mum paid for all lessons and test, i still wouldn't be driving if she hadn't.

Someone needs to tell her they are children not wepons

No children are not weapons. Yet you want to somehow insist that the children's mother pays for their food when they are with their father and you expect the Law to back you up on that somehow? What is it you are thinking - you can't come if your mum won't buy your food for when you're with us? You expect their mother to pay out 100% of their everyday costs because their father isn't able to and then on top of that you expect her to pay for the food on their plates whilst in their father's care? Surely it is up to their father to do this and if he is unable and you are unwilling to help out then he needs to leave you, entitling him to benefits and in this way, he can feed his children? Your partner is therefore in a very difficult position.

I get that you are frustrated but it is not the mother's responsibility that it is your money that puts food on the table. It is your partner who needs to be grateful, surely?

I would ignore the car thing. Just do what you need to do. She doesn't get to dictate this kind of thing. If she stops contact, so be it. Simply keep turning up to pick up the children and send an e-mail as proof that you tried. Court doesn't need to be expensive - your partner can do it himself. There isn't much actual 'law' when it comes to contact - the Law as it stands will support your partner's contact with this children unless there is good reason otherwise. There is no reason here (let alone a good reason!).

Please be aware that anything you write/text/e-mail can be potentially used in court should it get that far (and it sounds like that's where you're heading). Demanding she pays for food is going to make you look petty and personally, as a mother, I would question just how wanted my children were in your household if you were putting that kind of caveat on contact with their father.

I can't see how this can happen. Unless your dp is medically unfit to drive or has a car that's not roadworthy, then there's no reason he can't drive them. Does he have form for poor driving?

When the children are with their father, father's rules apply, not mother's. She cannot stop him seeing the children but be prepared to go to court if necessary.

Speak with your dp, agree the ground rules between the two of you, and let the mother know.

That is completely bonkers. Your DP needs to go speak to a lawyer pronto. She cannot stop the children being in the car with their father for no good reason. Has she given any reason at all for this or is she just being a controlling bitch?

Op why haven't you said exactly what their mother's concern is regarding his driving?

She sounds like the kind of person who quite enjoys the fact that you are put out by their arrangement tbh.

I'm quite concerned for you in this situation OP.

How long has your DP been out of work?
When do you expect him to go back to work?
Does he have a job to go back to?
How will his return to work impact your own job and his time with the kids?

In my mind you should be establishing the point at which he is able to return to work and how that will affect everything. Is this a short term or a long term problem?

You need to make clear to your DP that his dependency on you to support his children is not a long term solution. You also need affirmation all round that you DO matter.

If this is a short term problem and he will be returning to work soon, I would still address the driving point but do so in the wider context of parenting (eg taking the kids on trips, to friends houses etc). Don't link it directly back to you or else it will just get the exes back up. Give other examples where it has been a hindrance to back up the demand as well (I'm not undermining the importance of you going to work at all).

If this is a long term problem OP, it's a huge commitment for you to be making for what seems like little support or appreciation in return. If I were in your position I would be looking closely at what I wanted from the relationship.

Very best of luck to you, i hope you manage to find the best outcome for yourself and the kids.

unimaginative1979 - I work full time hours - some of those are at a weekend. Full time does not mean 9-5 Monday to Friday.

Before everyone starts on my partner had a job and paid £300 a month to their mother. Her constant threats and unjustified reason for him not seeing them has resulted in him suffering from depression and anxiety. He has attempted to over dose on more than one occasion. She leaves him feeling that their children would be better off without him. He tries to stand up to her but she just keeps the children away. He had a small accident with our car. He swerved to miss a cat that was no the road while travelling at 60 mph. It caused the car to spin. She has claimed that he was drink driving. She phoned the police that night and told them that. We had one of his kids with us and told the police that he was so drunk he was not fit too care for him. The police come to ours and saw that he was sober and said there was no concern. Now she is pulling this. The contract has been sent from her lawyer and arrived on Friday. She turned up with the children and told him if he didn't sign it there and then he wasn't getting the children. He wanted to take it to his lawyer but she wouldn't let his.

You're not answering any questions. Why don't you drive yourself? Why won't you answer that?

I can't help think mother must have a decent reason for this driving refusal. Their father never being allowed to drive them anywhere must inconvenience her as well as Op if he can never pick them up or take them to appointments etc. And OP won't /hasn't said what her objection is

Until the accident she would ask him to take them here and there for her. So why decided now she has a problem

I don't have a license to drive . I've said that already

She's being totally unreasonable.

Let her keep the DCs all the time. She'll soon crack when she needs childcare and then it will be on your terms not hers. ie that contract gets torn up.

Awful cow.

Tigger, she has already said that she was taking lessons but had to stop as she couldn't afford them.

Sorry xp op. I can understand her concern, his fault or not (it was, even if he was sober) they're her babies. I dont think a car spinning is a "small accident"

However, if that's really what it's about he needs to get things sorted out with her. As so often with these threads, your problem is him, not her