At the end of my tether with SD age 8 - need support/advice

[howtodowills]

Known DPs daughters (8 and 5) for over 2 yrs (as Dad's girlfriend) and DP moved into my place 8 months ago with me and DS (6)

Youngest "SD" has always been a lovely girl and accepted me fine. My DS has accepted the situation fine too. That's not to say neither of them have found things hard as they have but with love and support, and also discipline they have accepted their "new" set up fine.

Eldest "SD" hasn't. She has always been a "challenging child" apparently (say friends and family who knew her before parents split) but i am at the end of my tether with her. She has always been really jealous of me and her dad and I've tried to give them lots of time the 2 of them, lots of time him and his 2 DDS and tried to give her love and affection (as needed - she is a very "needy" child emotionally who asks for lots of cuddles.) The thing is she has gone from being ok but sad about her parents splitting to literally being a NIGHTMARE. She will turn up, lie, be rude, nasty and spiteful to try and "make daddy hate you" (her words to me). She will glare at me across the dinner table and undermine most things I say. I know her mother was very negative about me in the early days (i think through jealousy and hurt that her ex had found happiness with me) but i think she is past that now. the problem is it is getting so much worse with this girl. I have tried to support her in every way i can think of and am at the end of my tether now. She gets disciplined for her rudeness and wil be sent to her room for 5 mins time out (as all of our kids would for the same behaviour) but she will hit and kick DP, scream and shout in her room and throw things around and it's upsetting for the 2 younger kids. My DS hates that she makes his home angry and i really hate her coming. She's asked not to come anymore but DP says she has to as he doesn't want to not see her.

Whenever she does come she terrorises us all though and it is literally hell. DP works away during the week so we do like to see eachother at weekends and had been doing saturdays with "our own" kids and sundays all together, or vice versa but it's just awful. Every nice experience I try to make she ruins for everyone. I just don't know what to do anymore :(

Have even started wondering whether to jack it in with DP as I can't bear her making mine and DS life like this - as well as her poor Sister who hates all the anger

It must give you a tremendous amount of hope for the future! It's not easy this parenting business.

I have a similar history to you and waiting for a sticky one :) last time I found some great stuff on how to involve stepchildren (I don't see mine as step as they live with us full time also 8) but i was concerned they might get jealous and I want to make sure I do the best I can to involve them - general rule was make them feel a big part of everything, the stories were generally very hopefully if you like :)

The time out works for your DS and DD but not the eldest. Infact it's counterproductive, it won't resolve anything with her and will leave her feeling lost and out of control. All her behaviour is a direct result of her unhappiness. She is very very unhappy.

Aim for empathy and understanding. Acknowledge her feelings. Name them.

spandex - the time away has helped her. She told her dad she's realised how many nice things I do for her as she hadn't had any of that for a month. She also said she had missed our home, the pets, my DS and all the things we do here.

I need some advice my partner has two children who stay with him Friday to Sunday and when their mother decides that he should have them throughout the week some weeks they are with us 5 nights. My partner is ill and can't work but isn't intitled to any benefits as I work full time. I pay for food , drink, birthdays and Xmas and don't have a problem with this but there mother has decided to tell my partner that he can no longer drive his car with the children in it. This is because we had a small accident as he swerved to miss a cat. I don't drive and it is the only thing I ask of him is to take me to and from work. I now need to find £40 a month for bus fares and don't know where I can make a saving from to pay for this. I know I'd be able to afford it if I refused to provide for their children while they are at ours. I was wondering do I legally have to provide for them ?

I can see you are burned out by it . She is a hurting little girl. She wants her mum and dad together. She gets to come and watch you be a happy family and your DS got her dad. She also sees how her younger sister can seemingly deal with it (though of course younger DSD is too young to have many meaningful memories of dad living with mum, she was younger than 3 after all).

There is a danger of her becoming the black sheep and scapegoat for everything bad in the family. She seems to think she already is. Not sure what you can do short of DP moving out again. But taking comforts and routine (favourite activity, teddy bear, bedtime story) away from a child who already hates coming is not going to help. She probably feels like Cinderella watching her step brother and younger sister being happy and loved whilst she feels hated and is spiteful. She is 8 not 18, her spite is a symptom of her hurt.

Does she ever have alone time with her dad? One hour per weekend might help, particularly if she indicated this on her list of demands!

My twin dds are 8 and incredibly difficult at times, some of the things you've described are quite similar. It is exasperating sometimes!