At the end of my tether with SD age 8 - need support/advice

[howtodowills]

Known DPs daughters (8 and 5) for over 2 yrs (as Dad's girlfriend) and DP moved into my place 8 months ago with me and DS (6)

Youngest "SD" has always been a lovely girl and accepted me fine. My DS has accepted the situation fine too. That's not to say neither of them have found things hard as they have but with love and support, and also discipline they have accepted their "new" set up fine.

Eldest "SD" hasn't. She has always been a "challenging child" apparently (say friends and family who knew her before parents split) but i am at the end of my tether with her. She has always been really jealous of me and her dad and I've tried to give them lots of time the 2 of them, lots of time him and his 2 DDS and tried to give her love and affection (as needed - she is a very "needy" child emotionally who asks for lots of cuddles.) The thing is she has gone from being ok but sad about her parents splitting to literally being a NIGHTMARE. She will turn up, lie, be rude, nasty and spiteful to try and "make daddy hate you" (her words to me). She will glare at me across the dinner table and undermine most things I say. I know her mother was very negative about me in the early days (i think through jealousy and hurt that her ex had found happiness with me) but i think she is past that now. the problem is it is getting so much worse with this girl. I have tried to support her in every way i can think of and am at the end of my tether now. She gets disciplined for her rudeness and wil be sent to her room for 5 mins time out (as all of our kids would for the same behaviour) but she will hit and kick DP, scream and shout in her room and throw things around and it's upsetting for the 2 younger kids. My DS hates that she makes his home angry and i really hate her coming. She's asked not to come anymore but DP says she has to as he doesn't want to not see her.

Whenever she does come she terrorises us all though and it is literally hell. DP works away during the week so we do like to see eachother at weekends and had been doing saturdays with "our own" kids and sundays all together, or vice versa but it's just awful. Every nice experience I try to make she ruins for everyone. I just don't know what to do anymore :(

Have even started wondering whether to jack it in with DP as I can't bear her making mine and DS life like this - as well as her poor Sister who hates all the anger

Oh the food!!
DP is a stepchild and told me he never liked the food his stepmum cooked and she never listened to his requests for certain meals so I asked all the 3 kids to tell me what their fave things were so we could make sure I wasn't juSt making the things me and DS like... All going well until recently SD has decided she "hates roast dinner" and doesn't like the way I make bolognese, generally will just pick at anything I make.
Last week when it was just me and the girls I took them to the supermarket and let them pick their own food which worked well as there was nothing she could whinge / sulk about.

I can find the energy to try again but I really feel I need a break from her first...

Thank you for the understanding. It really does help to not feel so alone

I think bringing up children these days is harder (in some ways) than it's ever been, your own or DSC!

We seem to be encouraging children to feel they are the central pivot around which everyone else's life must spin! We must never allow them to lose at anything, never let them feel in any way slighted, never consider that their needs are less than THE most important in the household!

Well, I'll hold my hand up, with DGC, I also am guilty of this...but I excuse myself by saying that's what GP's are for! But in the nuclear family, blended or not, surely we should be preparing them for the big, hard world that is waiting for them, because out there, they are not special and their needs are no more important than the next person's!

howtodowills ignore the snidey, mean-spirited comments your situation is not easy at the best of times and quite frankly you sound like you're having a beast of a time.

May I ask where DP is and what his reactions are when she's picking on the food you've made?

Seems as though you are still ending up having to dole out the discipline and (I know I've said it before, sorry) he should be chief of that when he is there. Does he not see her behaviour as as rude as you do?

Having read the whole thread the thought occurred to me that she's pushing/niggling permanently in order to get extra attention from him and when he fails to react she ups the anti. Could that be the case? The posts seem to suggest that while you are doing everything and anything you can to be the best SM you can be, what with cooking, crafts, shopping etc etc DP is taking a bit of a back seat.

I may be wrong of course and a much deserved regardless

You and her mum need to sit down and talk.

You and her mum need to do things together. Coffee. Lunch. Drinks one evening. Mum could be invited to a weekend family brunch somewhere with you all. You and she could do a trip together to some (brief if necessary) event. Mum could visit your home and see DSD's room, sit down and have a cuppa in your sitting room, eat a biscuit or a slice of cake. You need to be on an app together like family wizard so you can share DSD's calendar (assuming she does some after school activities). All of this needs to be made known to DSD. You and mum need to grit your teeth and play la-la-la-happy-mums-together-la-la-la for the benefit of the child.

How DP and his ex respond to this suggestion will be very telling. If they baulk then they have unfinished business and they need to go to counselling together that is affecting DSD, to explore how they can guide and support her into accepting the situation they have created. This is very patently their issue, How.

The taking away of comfort objects needs to stop. So does the taking away of bedtime storytime. Your DP is locked in a power struggle with her and he is not going to win.

She tells me that she's cross that daddy and me have each other and mummy has no-one, she thinks daddy loves me more than her (we are both blue in the face from kind lovingly telling her this is not the case, even 5 yr old sis will repeat "we are daddy's girls and he loves us like his daughters and always will and he loves berries as a girlfriend and he can love us both lots, no-one more than the other" but she doesn't get it - or my suspicion is now that she just says it for attention. and that makes me feel angry at her.
When she shares an emotion, please do not try to explain things, or put a spin on the words you hear ('glass half full' response), in response. She knows what reality is. She is telling you how she feels about reality. 'Mummy has no -one' means she has no-one. Mummy has a boyfriend. She knows that. She feels alone. She feels left out. She thinks mummy loves the boyfriend more than her. (She may be right )

Tell her you hear her, and that it's ok to be angry and cross, and just sit without adding more. Wait for her to add some more. Always tell her you hear what she is saying, no matter how much you suspect she is doing it for effect. Nod. Never try to reason away what she ways. Try to translate in your head.

She says (when calm) she doesn't like us being together and will do whatever it takes to split us up even if that includes lying and crying. She has told DP i've hit her in the past (never done anything like that) and then admits she is lying.
So you and mummy have to show a united front and prevent the divide and conquer victory she hopes to win, and get life back to the days when mummy and daddy loved her, and mummy hadn't embarked on a strange new relationship.

OP have you and your DP tried any books for step-families? We both read The Step Families Parachute and Stepmonster and they both made a huge impact on us as a family. The first book helped us both to identify the key issues which turned out to be that a) My resentment towards DSDs behaviour and DPs management of it was poisoning our relationship & b) DP was unwittingly setting us up to fail by not working as a team with me to deal with any problems. I'm not going to lie and say we read the book and there was a huge watershed moment and the tides turned... instead it took time and lots of changes, subtle ones on our parts, for things to shift. The Stepmonster book I am sure you will find hugely interesting as it explores cultural attitudes to stepmothers and how in a sense we are set up to play certain roles that don't fit us and that we aren't comfortable with. It certainly helped my DP see things from my perspective. I hear a lot of angst in your posts and I get it. I really do. I was angry and sad and scared too when things just wouldn't fit together... you need to find a way to own all of those feelings without letting it affect how you feel about DSD. Whether anyone accepts it of not you are a key figure in her life and she needs your love, and you need hers!

The axis that this all revolves around is your DP and it is going to take time for him to learn how to manage this situation without guilt and anger. Right now it sounds like you are both very defensive and from his perspective it will be as though he is being forced to choose between DSD and unborn DC and you and your DS and that is a horrible position to be in. You need to get back on the same team and then firmly and repeatedly establish and protect your boundaries where DSD is concerned.

Congrats on your pregnancy BTW. Every situation is different but for us announcing my pregnancy is what it took to turn the final corner as a family and it really resolved a lot of issues for everyone because it solidified that we are a family and that EVERYONE has an important role to play. DP and I spoke to our exes at 8 weeks to give them time to provately deal with their own feelings before we spoke to the children. DSDs mum was quite unreasonable at first and insisted SHE needed to tell DSD, then she wanted it to be her and DP together... I was but we compromised and invited her to join us for DPs birthday dinner so we could tell the girls all together (mega awkward) and after that she backed down. TBH I think she realised she was creating a power struggle for no reason and when we compromised with her she completely backed down. She even supported DD beforehand by telling her she wished for her to be a big sister... which was amazing. Anyhow, ever since the girls found out they will share a sibling the problems we had with DSD improved markedly. I put this doen to two things 1) in telling her she would be biggest sister we gave her a role in 'our family' that she understood. She started referring to our place as 'her other home' for the first time and I see now a lot of her old behaviours were because she felt like an outsider. 2) DP has really wrapped his head around the idea that we are a family and seems to have let go of the "piggy in the middle" attitude that pitted people in different corners during times of conflict. Because he no longer treads in eggshells, no one else does either.

Good luck OP. You have a long road ahead but DSD is still young. You have time to make this work if you let love lead the way.

Hi everyone - sorry i vanished - i was having a lovely fun time with DS and DP, enjoying life and having our nice happy home without SD around. bliss. (please don't jump on me for saying that - it is the truth.)
I will come back to all the questions and helpful comments but have a frantic day at work ahead.....

I know nothing about blended families, but your description of your SD rang lots of bells for me. Have you read The Highly Sensitive Child? It's a book, or there's some online stuff eg hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-child-test/

If she is, it might help you understand where she's coming from a bit better and what her behaviour is trying to achieve. Not sure it makes it any less irritating, but ime it does help to shape your own reactions in a way which helps the child calm down rather than wind up.

Hi bounced - I have just ordered a book on it. Thank you. She is quite like this from a cusory google.

skywasmade - I read stepmonster last summer (gamechanger) and have DP reading it now. Tellingly I have been asking him since aug to read it but he's "never had time". I have also ordered stepfamilies parachute. thanks for the recommendations.

ankelbitersmum - DP has got MUCH better as doing the disciplining over the past few weeks. When she whinges about food he doesn't cave, but thinking about it he doesn't really say anything so it's me who has to say "oh, it's a shame you don't like roast anymore, i made it as last week you said it was your favourite." She's very funny about food. Her mum has weird ways and she will come to my house and say things to me about what i should and shouldn't be eating and about mummy's diets. I am well within healthy weight (size 10) and I eat loads of fruit and veg but i also enjoy cake, chocolate etc - i call it balance! I can see SD en route to developing an eating disorder because of all the poison which comes from her mum.... that will be the next thing...

mathanxiety - I have tried talking to her mum, we met for coffee and we have seen eachother a couple of times at handover when it's been me with the kids. The thing is it doesn't improve things cause as much as i am "pro mum" in front of the kids i know it isn't reciprocated as SD will say "I heard mummy on the phone saying you are an awful person or similar or criticising something i have done. DP has tried to ask her to be positive about me in front of the kids and she swears blind she is however we always hear things back which demonstrate she isn't. DP is of the mindset that we can never control what his ex says so we should try not to focus on it too much.

The "boyfriend" isn't really a boyfriend. According to mutual friends its a FWB thing. She wants more but he doesn't.... so he's never met kids or anything and kids used to know ALL the details but now (one thing she has listened to us on!) she doesn't tell them things.

Would you consider therapy yourself - or you and dh, or family therapy?

This is a dangerous situation. I'm always really worried when I hear of these types of behaviours in this pre-teen/tween age because proceeding that way lies a lot of heartache - serious mental health difficulties, suicidality/self harm, addictions etc.

She sounds like a very rage filled little girl who really urgently needs her whole family to set up some intervention around her to stop this cycle you're all in of her becoming/being the "difficult one", the black sheep etc.

Ultimately you have to ask yourself where your values lie. It's so hard, there is so much happening and right now things seem bleak.. but she is still young and so there is still hope, but if it isn't dealt with effectively in the next year or two there will be a lot more heartbreak ahead.

What kind of counselling did she have? I think you all need an effective evidence-based intervention for the specific difficulties that are arising vs generic "counselling".

fusion - I know - I can see all this unfolding in the future already. DP took her to the doctor who said there wasn't sign of MH problem as apparently she's ok at her mums (they asked SD this) and at school (DP has been in to see school.) Her mum is very much "there's nothing wrong with my daughter" - despite herself having a long history of MH issues... I say that as I'd thought she would have been a bit more open to discussing thiings as someone who's suffered herself.

DH and I are going to counselling together. I'd be interested in family therapy but I don't even know how we would manage it. SD just sees a standard counsellor. This is where i wish i was her parent as I'd be making sure it was someone with experience of this, a top person but again mum says "she doesn't need a shrink"......

The values question is an interesting one. I have done a LOT of soul searching over this one and my values were about ALL of us for 2 years and it brought me nothing but stress and heartache. Now my values are to us all as a group and if she is the one causing all the trouble in the group then I choose to detach from her. I recognise this might not be a good long term solution but i can see with her there will ALWAYS be issues and as stepmum I cannot support them the way I want to. I was banging on about counselling for a year before her mum or dad did anything about it.

My values lie at the moment with me, my DS and the unborn child. I adore little SD and DP of course and want them to be happy but I am not prepared to put DP at the centre of everything. I need to protect my child from having his home turned into a toxic hellhole of shouting and anger by SD. I want to support her in getting "better" but I cannot see a way to do this at the moment. In the short term it would be to indulge her every desire but in the long term that will just turn her into a monster.

If she is, you may find the behaviour is all about change / lack of routine / over stimulation etc. Which might be easier to tackle than some of the other issues. In my experience of that type of kid, they are hit harder by change and are less able to deal with it, and get into a vicious cycle of behaving badly to try and get some control back and because they're so anxious they can't think straight - it's almost like they regress a few years in emotional terms.

not much to add but just lots of supportive thoughts.
I personally do not believe in the love bombing and give the poor little thing even more attention ...

Frankly it sounds like you may have to accept SD does not like you or the situation but that is not your responsibility.

It is so difficult for your DP...i would be keen to say don't let her come for a while...basically let her little sis come, have loads of lovely fun with dad and you and your son...let her go back and tell her all about it.

I have fairly high standards of behaviour for all in my blended family and yes life is hard for kids in this situation but its been 2 yrs and everyone else is getting on with it. And loads of other 8 years old manage fine....you sound lovely and very indulgent of her .
I would stop that , and get on with normal family life

I really feel for you.

You sound like a genuinely caring yet burned out, stressed out, frazzled sm who has put up a bit of a protective wall around your family because you're just at the end of your tether. I really feel for how hard this must have been for you - must still be for you, and even more so now you are pregnant again.

In the context of your history together as a family, it is totally understandable that you feel worn out, that there's no other solution than to detach and just emotionally disinvest in this little girl... and yet, I think what's happening a little is that you're a bit stuck in the story of who she "is" (again, very understandable in the situation).

The difficulty with this, and I say this as gently as possible, is that our minds evolved generally to want desperately to avoid difficult emotional experiences - to run, to hide, to fight - but this tends to be a counterproductive, suffering-producing strategy in the long-term. It tends.. as awful as it is.. to make things worse.

So though every part of you may be screaming against it, the paradox is that your best bet is to do what's counterintuitive and lean into this, open up, be present and do what matters... because when a child becomes the "scapegoat" in a wider family situation, that has the potential to impact seriously on what the rest of the children in the home learn about love.

They learn that if you do behave a certain way in distress, you may lose not only approval and support, but also love... and so, I'm wondering if you could see the need to behave lovingly towards this little girl as being in the service of your values for your ds and your unborn child, rather than necessarily for the benefit of your SD1?

And really to dig deep into what is most loving here.. and I actually think that not making her needs the centre of everything and limit and boundary setting may be part of that. I also think that things like taking time for self-care and doing what others have suggested - not setting yourselves up for a fall by planning nice things on the weekends she visits - might be important too. And then, in so far as you are able to in the context of your life at this time, trying to bring an attitude of playful, accepting, curious empathy to her. Even if, for now, the only way you can do this is in your imagination when she's not there - or imagining her as someone else's stepchild. Just trying to get a flavour for what it's like to be her, taking a step back from all the pain and hurt of it?

That may or may not be possible for you, but for your own sake and that of your children, I would work to try not to close my heart to a little girl in distress - even if you can't spend much time with her. That will take a large toll on you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

And yes, taking a break if needs be until you can restore yourself so that you don't necessarily feel this very understandable lack of empathy for her. Our empathy gets destroyed by stress.

Sorry you are having such a tough time, OP. DSD was/is like this. DH was also unwilling to be strict with her or lay down rules. A couple of years on, DH and I are still together, but live relatively separate lives. DSD visits once a month, I go out with DS for as much of it as possible. DSD is a huge elephant in the room, and if there's anything he and I need to discuss about her, we do it by email only since anything else ends in a blazing row. We probably won't go on holiday for the foreseeable future since DSD always manages to create drama and ruin it (even if she's decided she doesn't want to come with us!). So I go on holiday with just DS, focus on him, and leave them to it.

I found very good advice on here on the step parenting board - basically to detach from it all and that if DH wasn't really on board with laying down rules I was basically on a hiding to nothing. It was very helpful to understand that with DH's attitude, and the fact that his ex wife was very negative about DH and I, there was very little I could do to change the situation. I didn't post often about it but reading advice to others in the same situation really saved my sanity.

I have tried talking to her mum, we met for coffee and we have seen eachother a couple of times at handover when it's been me with the kids. The thing is it doesn't improve things cause as much as i am "pro mum" in front of the kids i know it isn't reciprocated as SD will say "I heard mummy on the phone saying you are an awful person or similar or criticising something i have done. DP has tried to ask her to be positive about me in front of the kids and she swears blind she is however we always hear things back which demonstrate she isn't. DP is of the mindset that we can never control what his ex says so we should try not to focus on it too much.

The "boyfriend" isn't really a boyfriend. According to mutual friends its a FWB thing. She wants more but he doesn't.... so he's never met kids or anything and kids used to know ALL the details but now (one thing she has listened to us on!) she doesn't tell them things.

I think you need to assume DSD is playing divide and conquer, and not believe everything she says her mother says about you. Her whole world view is built on a 'bad dad and SM' storyline, with her mother on the other side. If you and the mother could get together more, in your house, I think you would make a dent in this. Please keep on trying to be besties with the mother.

DSD is hurting because the boyfriend thing has illustrated to her that the divorce is final and perhaps she feels nobody has time or affection or attention for her, and can't admit that her story doesn't fit this wrinkle (i.e. mum has someone else too). She certainly has everyone's time and attention when she goes to your house (and affection underneath it all I am certain, but she is willing to risk that and that is not good).

I think your DH and his exW need to go to therapy together. The three adults here need to present a united front. If there are issues making the mother play contrarian here then maybe a solicitor could be appointed for the child and residence changed.

I agree with Fusion this is a very worrying situation. A child at this age should not be so filled with rage and it will get worse if intervention is ineffective. At the moment you are just putting out fires all the time.

Great posts by Fusion. Really spot on.

vim - sad that you have had to detach so much but I COMPLETELY understand why. My SD has utterly destroyed the fun of all but one of the family holidays we have been on. I am glad you have a nice time with your DS. Does DH support your decision to do that? My DP wants us to do more things all together but (maybe selfishly) I don't want to have my time with DS ruined by SD. As it is I only have EOW with my DS and I want us to have fun. I've noticed as I've detached more from spending time with the Stepkids, me and DS have got a closer relationship, and I like that.

math - SD may be playing the adults off against eachother but mutual friends have also said they've heard his ex saying really stupid/damaging things to her. Sadly for her I don't think she has a mum who is very emotionally intelligent. FWIW I don't think me making more of an effort with mum will do much and until mum has shown she can present a united front I don't want to waste my time spending it with their mum.

As for DP and EX going to therapy together - i don't really understand what you mean by this. I CERTAINLY will not have her living here under these circumstances. Maybe that is selfish but there is no way I am even considering that. I just couldn't take it.

DP and ex need to explain to each other where they are coming from and where they hope to end up if they are going to effectively co-parent DSD, their daughter, which they are very obviously not doing right now.

I sense that the mum could really do with hearing from a family therapist what sort of speech and behaviour are going to have a bad effect on DD and what sort of speech and behaviour could help her. I think the mum needs to be reminded that her focus needs to be on DSD's best interests and a therapist might be able to almost do CBT with her to sort of train her in behaviour.

DSD should be included after a few joint sessions for her mum and your DP. You should be privy to all that is discussed and your pov should be welcomed. As time goes on and DSD and her parents are ironing out their approach and maybe some sort of contract between themselves, you could be included in therapy too because obv you are a party to all of this.

I just wanted to update as the advice I received here was very helpful.

After a month of not seeing SD she has spent a week with us and been absolutely great. In fact better than I could have expected. No rudeness, and in return she has been given lots of attention, warmth, praise and time. DP had to work 1 day this week so I looked after the SDs and we had a great time baking, playing outdoors and doing crafts. A couple of times when I've thought of going for a run, wander into town, read upstairs etc to give them space with dad without me there SD has asked to join me and told me she really likes it when it's just us. She has gone back to mums this afternoon and was full of "I'll miss you" and "I want to stay here with you". It's like a different child and it seems genuine. It's such a swing I can't believe it will last but for now I am really enjoying having a warm happy atmosphere.

I read the books recommended on here as well which gave small insights but weren't revolutionary. All insight is good though so still worth it.

Great news, Howto
Long may it last.

I've just been reading through and what a lovely end post! Long may it last!!

And massive congratulations I'm very pleased for you it's not at all selfish (gosh that poster wound me up) it's wonderful news that might just bring you all together a bit closer :)

Thanks penguins... I think I'd be naive to assume this is our happy ending but it's a good start to work on with SD and i think it proves that we CAN have a happy home.

Thanks for the congratulations too. I'm anxious about how the kids will take it but also hopeful that it might bring us closer. SD adores babies.