If you are a SM and have a SM

[AnneLovesGilbert]

…how has having a SM shaped how you are with your DP and DSC?

I’ve had a SM for nearly 20 years and we get on really well. I was a bridesmaid at their wedding. SM and DM get on really well and even happily meet up without my DF. Big family gatherings etc.

She was never any sort of parent figure to me, didn’t have DC of her own, never wanted any, didn’t really want us lot (4 of us and we were a handful) around much and was very hands off. Over time we've all bonded and she's more like an aunt.

Since I’ve been with DP certain things about how she and DF handled things back then seem odd. The first time we met her we woke up at his house and she was in his bed. After that she just showed up sometimes. She occasionally said pretty off stuff about my DM to us.

DF almost missed my graduation because one of SM friends had a minor op and she insisted them both being there was more important. She threw a massive strop when I took my DM dress shopping for my wedding (I took SM to choose flowers, and then bridesmaid dress shopping).

I’m sure they both found it difficult and did the best they could. The relationships are all now very caring and positive so no harm done. But my own experience has given me a completely different perspective on some things and I wonder if I've learnt as much about what not to do, than to try and do.

I had a DSM who I lived with after my mum died. We are still very close and I see her as half of my 'parents' (she also brought her own kids to the mix who are now my 'siblings'). I am very grateful that she's made my dad happy.

However, since becoming both a mum and a stepmum I can see all the subtle ways in which she didn't actually truly love me and in which our family wasn't as equal as my parents purported it was.

Like a poster above I was ready for quite an involved relationship with my stepchildren, if it had been appropriate, but they are very distanced and somewhat alienated by their mother who hates me, DH and our family, and who has never met me. That's sad, but I am focusing on being a good mum to my own kids now!

Interesting topic OP.

Really interesting topic! It was nice reading of some of the positive stories. Although a lot of people have said that being SMs themselves made them realise how negative their own SMs had actually been.

I myself found that, which slightly scares me as one of the things that gives me some hope with my own step kids is that when they grow older they will see me in a more positive light.

They don't dislike me, they think I'm OK, apparently, but no bonding has happened at all. Maybe that's never going to happen! Their mum is hugely resentful of me so I don't think it bodes well! (Wasn't the OW btw!)