WWYD

[Stepparentbashersfuckoff]

DH ex has gone NC with DSC because the choice was made
To live with us. Obviously cannot force her to have a relationship with her own kid and have to deal with the aftermath of a devastated teenager.
Anyhow the story being told to all ex wife's family and friends is that DSC actually did the abandoning, went NC and basically treated 'amazing mother' like shit.
It has come to my attention that certain friends and extended family members are annoyed at my DSC for this so called shitty treatment of 'amazing mother' (I say amazing mother because that is the persona created on FB etc to everyone else)
Again obviously I cannot stop them from approaching DSC if they pass in the street or anything and no doubt they will 'give a piece of their mind' (direct quote) and knowing my DSC this will be met by silence and tears. The fight to defend and tell the actual truth has been completely squashed by mothers disgusting behaviour.
So I suppose what I am asking is do I make sure these people know the truth before or after that happens?
I have screenshots, messages etc which back up everything but I don't want to seem like some psycho just out to stir shit because I'm not. But the thought of these people bollocking my DSC based on complete fabrication and twisted bullshit is right now making my blood boil

You sound a bit unhinged tbh. The ex wife might be crazy but youve worked yourself into a fury about something which hasn't even happened . Someone might possibly say something that's incorrect in the future and upset her?

It honestly sounds like you love the drama. All this shit about FB messages and statuses makes you and the rest of the adults in her life sound like children. It's no wonder she doesn't have FB. I think you're getting off on being the saviour here and rescuing your DSC from the evil mother.

I will reply to individual issues as to make myself clear. I do not monitor the exes FB activity. we don't use FB anymore as a preventative measure.
However we share friends of friends and associates in RL and i get told things which people think I need to know. Which has proven necessary in the past and given me a heads up several times

I do my best to protect my DSC the best I can. Friendships have had to be ended due to the ex using her friends kids to get to my DSC.
The issue has arisen in the last couple of days due to an attention seeking status from the ex attracting all her friends sympathy - one comment specifically saying 'when I see X I will give a piece of my mind for treating you so badly, you are a fabulous mother etc etc' and that comment then commented on by others agreeing that they would basically give their opinion if they had chance to as well

And as for unhinged well to be frank fuck off. If you had been through what I have, had to basically pull your family out of awful situations because of the ex over and over and now are basically waiting for the next strike then you would want to prevent it as well.
I know of these people, I know how they think and they are all the reason we don't actually use social media ourselves - because they are nosey opinionated fuckers who believe everything the ex says and think it okay to tell us what they think too!

If there was something legally I could
Do to make sure DSC was left alone I would. But I can't because technically none of these busybodies are breaking any laws - just the kids heart when it's already badly bloody broken!
And for FWIW I have tried to mend the situation many many times - to a point where DSC told me to stop because if a mother wouldn't listen to a child then she won't listen to me

You have posted about this before haven't you? The one who kept referring to the mother as "Birth Mother"? Sorry if I am wrong.

I think it's all very complicated and you could do with backing off a bit and stop fanning the flames with your anger. Nothing has actually happened yet has it? It's good that you feel protective and loving but at the end of it all this is not your child and you need to take a back seat and let the chips fall way they may.

Nicki whilst that is good advice, the chips falling where they may will cause problems. Think one step
Forward five steps back for an already vulnerable teenager. If I didn't think that it actually would happen then I would just ignore it, but the constant attention seeking statuses about how much she misses her kid (but doesn't wanna see) rile people up and obviously they don't think it's at all possible they are getting the full story

My advice remains the same. Back off and be there in an unobtrusive way when needed. That is your role here. You sound unhealthily obsessed to be honest.

Whats wrong with biological mum and birth mum?

Just 'mum' is accurate.

Oh that's it "bio mum".

Yes. OP you sound very controlling to be honest. You simply can't control how people will react and what they will say in this sensitive situation. Your threads sound really unhealthy and obsessive many people have told you this. Are you considering the advice you're being given at all?

Feel sorry for your DSD. All the adults in her life sound barking.

Sounds like the child has 2 mums, isn't this an easy way of differentiating? Especially as the mum / birth mum has chosen to disengage with the child and it sounds like OP is acting in loco parentis.

There is clearly a back story here but from this post it just sounds like someone in a difficult situation having a bit of a rant.

Mum and step-mum are separate terms and perfectly understandable as separate concepts.

She doesn't have two mums at all. She's has one Mum and one Step Mum. Calling her a Bio Mum is adding in a word that doesn't need to be there surely making things more complicated?

user OP has posted two very similar threads before. She gets ranty when she doesn't get the response she wants.

But if step mum has taken on the role of mum and birth mum is not on the scene, biological mum may well be an entirely accurate description.

Of course really thats up to the child to decide, not some random people off the internet.

OP, does dsd call her Mum "my Bio Mum" when she refers to her?

Sorry, just realised that i cross posted!

I will declare an interest here in that I have 4 kids, none of whom I have produced from my body. Our family is very diverse and genetics does not count for a great deal. People's biological families have not been good to them, our 'blended' (for want of a less sickening word) family is the family where parents, children, sisters and brothers have come together in a safe and loving unit.

So I may not be completely objective although no less objective than anyone else

Ok. Lots of people find the use of Bio Mum offensive, usurping and inappropriate.

I can certainly understand that will vary by situation though

I see that, it could be said (conversely) though that insisting that someone continue to use the word mum for someone who hasn't acted like one, when another person has is equally offensive.

It is very challenging to remain objective when there is love for a child or young person at the heart of it, particularly when there is a perception that another person is damaging that child or their relationship with that child. You just have to look on the adoption board to see that!

My view is that it should be up to the child what they call people and that we shouldn't put words in their mouths (as much as possible - obviously hard in the case of adopted babies).