WWYD

[Stepparentbashersfuckoff]

DH ex has gone NC with DSC because the choice was made
To live with us. Obviously cannot force her to have a relationship with her own kid and have to deal with the aftermath of a devastated teenager.
Anyhow the story being told to all ex wife's family and friends is that DSC actually did the abandoning, went NC and basically treated 'amazing mother' like shit.
It has come to my attention that certain friends and extended family members are annoyed at my DSC for this so called shitty treatment of 'amazing mother' (I say amazing mother because that is the persona created on FB etc to everyone else)
Again obviously I cannot stop them from approaching DSC if they pass in the street or anything and no doubt they will 'give a piece of their mind' (direct quote) and knowing my DSC this will be met by silence and tears. The fight to defend and tell the actual truth has been completely squashed by mothers disgusting behaviour.
So I suppose what I am asking is do I make sure these people know the truth before or after that happens?
I have screenshots, messages etc which back up everything but I don't want to seem like some psycho just out to stir shit because I'm not. But the thought of these people bollocking my DSC based on complete fabrication and twisted bullshit is right now making my blood boil

Shes doing her GCSE's next year the poor love

borninthe60s I have ignored soooo much I couldn't tell you. I have a friend who is a legal secretary who told me I would have a cracker of a civil suit from the lies told on social media alone. But if I had the money I wouldn't waste it on her. I'd rather spend it on my kids because as well as my DSD the horrid situation has affected the whole family recently. It's not nice to hear a 6 year old worrying about her older sister because her sister doesn't see her mum anymore and she doesn't understand why. I will never forget when she actually
Said to me 'mummy does XXXX not love XXX any more? She hasn't seen her for so long and why would a mummy not want to see her daughter at all. I see my mummy every day and even if I didn't live with you id want to see you every day'
I really didn't know what to say to that other than reassure her that parents ALWAYS love their kids sometimes things are just different and that her and her siblings would never ever be without mummy and daddy

OP, whether it's justified or not all your snarling and hissing can't be improving the situation. Your children are being given a terrible example of how to behave under fire and if you're really as wound up as you appear in your posts you're in danger of making yourself ill.

Just to clarify my kids see nothing. It takes all of my being to remain calm and collected around them whatever happens. Venting on MN is actually rather helpful for me. I'd be a bit of a hypocrite asking for advice on how to protect my DSD on here then behaving like that in front of her wouldn't I

If she's seen it she's seen it. Her mum and her bullshit isn't going away, she needs empowering to walk away if confronted or to say her prepared line.
I hope the adults who posted are just like the 'you deserve it babes' on a holiday snap type. Posting something for the sake of a reply. But in reality would do and say nothing. Youd have to be a special kind of idiot to approach a young teenager on a situation you've had one side of and, which is frankly no one else's business

That is what I'm hoping is the case but past experience tells me at least one of them will think they're doing some good and possibly 'mending' the rift which their precious friend has caused in the bloody first place

'mummy does XXXX not love XXX any more? She hasn't seen her for so long and why would a mummy not want to see her daughter at all. I see my mummy every day and even if I didn't live with you id want to see you every day'

your 6 year old said that, did they.

If your six year old did say that then they are way too involved in all the drama that you are describing.

Wtf is wrong with you judgemental people? Six year olds are not stupid, mine is particularly bright. And unfortunately she has seen her sister cry over this, I can't bollock her for getting upset in front of her can I?
Whether certain people believe me or not is irrelevant because I'd rather NOT be going through this AT ALL than trying to convince judgmental strangers on MN

Actually maybe if you think I'm such a liar then why do you persistently comment on any thread of mine? Why do you lurk waiting to jump on me? I was advised to use the step parents forum for more helpful constructive advice but it seems people like you just wait around for someone to give your shit out to. Seriously if that's what you get your jollies from then you need to get off MN and get out into the real world

Moving right along…..I agree with Catphrase. Your DSD needs empowering to be able to walk away from anyone giving her a hard time and the knowledge that she doesn't owe anyone an explanation for her decision.

I think it's really hard for a teen to walk away from an adult with a firm "I'm not going to discuss this". We teach them to be respectful and not sass back. We teach them that when an adult asks a question, you answer. But if she understands that the adults she respects most (you and her dad) are in her corner and believe she is in the right, if you give her 'permission' as it were, she'll understand that it isn't being rude or sassy to just walk away when it comes to someone prying into her life. And that when it comes to her personal business she is perfectly entitled to NOT talk about it.

And I also agree that 90% of the shit people say on FB, all the 'You tell 'em' and the 'I'll give them what for' are from people who wouldn't really have the ovaries to confront her. All talk, no action.

Acrossthepond my DSD doesn't know about what's been said this week I've made sure of it, it's quite hard work tbh protecting her from the childish bullshit but I do it because I love her and I desperately want her to be as okay with the situation as she can be and get on with her GCSEs.
I'm going to sit and think about how to bring it up with her without actually
Telling her. You know saying something like 'you are old enough now to voice your own opinions and feelings etc' just going to have to think very carefully about how I'm going to word it so she doesn't start asking why what's gone on IYSWIM
I don't want to lie to her because the ex wife has done that her whole life. It's so frustrating because none of these idiot friends of hers have made any link between her lies and the constant regular contact my DH has had over the years. If a quarter of the shit she's said would have been true then any normal mother would have stopped contact and made him fight for it. Because the words abusive/violent/neglectful etc have been used a lot. I just hate this whole 'be on her side regardless because she's family/friend whatever' if my friends ever ever treated their DC like she has they wouldn't be my friends any more. And the select few who do know a lot of truth just choose to sit on the fence. Which would be fine if they then didn't join in her online rants about what bastards we are. Two faced doesn't even come into it - the ex wife and her siblings are the worst I have ever come across. They actually brag about having 'twatted' each other and do things like make malicious accusations to the police. DWP and SS about each other when they fall out

You're between a rock and a hard place. What does your DH say about talking to her?

Honestly I'd be stuck between doing as you say and possibly opening a kettle of fish or saying nothing, being vigilant, and hoping against hope that no one says anything and possibly dealing with the 'aftermath'.

I can only think about it in reference to my two sons. DS1 I'd be able to sit down with and pretty much say 'this is going on and you can just walk away if anyone says anything'. He'd be fine and able to deal with it. DS2, though, I don't know. He's so sensitive that I'm afraid I'd just keep my fingers crossed that he remained in ignorance or that I'd be able to handle any fallout.

Golly, that was pretty indecisive. I'm not much help, am I?

Acrossthepond I really appreciate your response. I've spent the last two years between a rock and hard place. Whenever DSD has gone back and forth we've never expressed any emotion about our true feelings to her.
My DH sees me totally as her mum now as does she. I'm not going to lie and say that the ex wife hasn't had an effect on my DH either for the last decade because she has having your kids used as pawns against you all their lives must be truly soul destroying. I've come to MN for advice because obviously my loved ones and friends hate her as well for what she's me and my family through. I've discussed it with the associates of mine today who are linked to the ex wife and they've decided that IF its mentioned to them again they're going to use one simple line 'believe me there is two sides to every story and if I were you I'd stay well out of it. The truth will come out in the end it always does and if you've gotten involved you could end up feeling bad for doing so' that kind of thing anyway I don't expect them to carry a script or let it affect their lives

I'm not sure I understand why you are worrying about something that isn't happening

No one has said anything to your SD as yet?
Who is feeding you all this crap from Facebook?? Tell them to stop. Its just stressing you out. Its the equivalent of earwigging on a conversation when people are gossiping about you

Forget that rabble of jokers. If anyone approaches your SD, deal with it then. But they probably won't, will they

Lagoona I have actually been advised to keep screenshot evidence of things in case harassment becomes an issue. as it has in the past. I have decided that I am not going to approach these people as a pre emptive strike but my initial reaction was pure horror at the thought of (as I have previously mentioned) the progress my DSD has made being ruined and her being back to square one. If it was about me or DH we wouldn't care - we've been subjected to dirty looks and snide comments in the street and laughed them off. Effectively joining in the bullying of a teenage girl is another level entirely - and what my poor dsd has been subjected to is bullying pure and simple. By her own mother. It's disgusting and should be illegal

In the nicest possible way you are way, way over involved.

Stop having imaginary future fights and arguments with people in your head before they even happen.

Stop listening to what people are telling you about FB. Just shut them down with a "not interested"

You really seem to be feeding off of all of this drama and painting yourself as the saviour of the situation.

Now you need to think about how to tell your DSC about what people are saying and what she should say if someone says something to her honestly it's fucking ridiculous.

Her DM may well be vile and awful and horrible but you seem to constantly need validation from other people that she is. Is that why you keep repeating all of the awful things she does? We get it, she's a bitch but you are also not helping the situation.

The best thing you can do for your DSC is be there if she needs too. Stop fanning the flames.

But these people aren't harrasing you on FB. They are gossiping to each other. And a friend of a friend is passing the information to you?

Just tell them to stop. You don't need to know all that shit. It seems like you are on super-alert hyper seems it used because of years of shenanigans. You need to disengage somehow.

hyper-sensitised

I don't think people seem to get that this is an ongoing issue. She doesn't want to see the kid yet has resorted to emotionally torturing her through other people, and my DSD has actually lost friendships because a grown woman was using teenage girls to regurgitate her shite.
I know these people and I know how self righteous they are. They think cos her mother made her call them all 'auntie and uncle' that they actually are. I really wish I was over dramatic and worrying about nothing but in the almost year of NC we haven't had a single month without some kind of grief. She either wants to see the kid or she doesn't. But NC with the kid means she has to find other ways of spewing her vile hatred for me and DH and that's how she chooses to do it. Like I said I don't get told everything id be constantly getting phone calls but they told me this out of concern for my DSD because they were worried. If this actually does happen then I will be involving the police for harassment

And I shut FB down to stop snide messages from fake profiles and people on my friends list being asked to snoop on my profile for them - my block list was 100 strong then I decided it simply wasn't worth it. Which is sad because I have family worldwide and it was a good way to keep in touch with them all in one place

The only way to put the flames out completely would be to wrap my DSD in cotton wool and cut off every possible source. And not allow her anywhere that I thought she may see any of these people. How is that fair on a teenage girl, let alone feasibly enforceable? It's not.
I can honestly hand on heart say that the ex wife is the worst most vindictive spiteful person I have ever come across and if I could scoop my family up and bugger off to another country I would. But that's not an option either

No, it hasn't happened yet, but that doesn't mean that one should just ignore the possibility. There's nothing wrong with OP considering different scenarios.

If this is losing DSD friendships and she getting 'hints' of the shit going on, then I guess you'll probably have to have some kind of talk with her. Do you think you and her DF could find someone who knows her and also works with children? Like a trusted teacher, doctor, or counselor? Someone who might be able to help you formulate the right approach?

The whole point is, this isn't going away. You need to help your step daughter deal with it.

My SIL is nc with her dad. 30 years of nc. She still has weekly guilt about it and occasional shit to deal with.

We are NC with a family member. It started at daily shit, dropped to weekly, than monthly and now it sits at every 2/3 months - that was 4 years ago we went NC!

It never goes away as much as you wish it could. The other links are too great, social media makes the world a smaller place now to tighten those links and makes it worse. It means moving doesn't even help.

This is how life is now, it is upsetting, it is unfair, it is shit. But it is how it is. she needs to be given the tools to deal with the woman who gave birth to her and her flying Monkey's.

My DH sees me totally as her mum now as does she.
And maybe there lies all the basis for all the issues. There is clearly a lot of background that has led to the position, and without a doubt, you will have your opinion on how it got to this (ie. her fault) and she will have hers (ie. you and DP). It is the same old argument of who caused the alienation.

You and your DP seem to have considered that with your DSD moving in with you, the role of mother was transferred with it. It seems that it is also the position your DSD has taken and this would clearly have hurt mum to no avail, hence her drastic -and very wrong- reaction to it.

It is a common situation usually seen the other way around, when the child decides they don't want anything to do with their father any longer, and father and partner blame the mother for having alienated the child against him. It is true in some cases, not in others.

I hope DSD mum gets over the hurt and realises that she should put her efforts into rebuilding her relationship with her daughter. Which ever way we look at it, it is always sad when a child or even adult breaks all contact with a parent who has been very much present in their lives until then.