WWYD

[Stepparentbashersfuckoff]

DH ex has gone NC with DSC because the choice was made
To live with us. Obviously cannot force her to have a relationship with her own kid and have to deal with the aftermath of a devastated teenager.
Anyhow the story being told to all ex wife's family and friends is that DSC actually did the abandoning, went NC and basically treated 'amazing mother' like shit.
It has come to my attention that certain friends and extended family members are annoyed at my DSC for this so called shitty treatment of 'amazing mother' (I say amazing mother because that is the persona created on FB etc to everyone else)
Again obviously I cannot stop them from approaching DSC if they pass in the street or anything and no doubt they will 'give a piece of their mind' (direct quote) and knowing my DSC this will be met by silence and tears. The fight to defend and tell the actual truth has been completely squashed by mothers disgusting behaviour.
So I suppose what I am asking is do I make sure these people know the truth before or after that happens?
I have screenshots, messages etc which back up everything but I don't want to seem like some psycho just out to stir shit because I'm not. But the thought of these people bollocking my DSC based on complete fabrication and twisted bullshit is right now making my blood boil

Not that I have to explain myself to anyone with regards to 'not being mum' but the child actually calls me MUM. Refers to the ex by her first name. And that decision was made by a teenager who is old enough to decide. If it changes tomorrow then my first name is totally okay. I have biological children so it's not like I am desperate to be a mum or anything. And all you lurkers who wait for me to post about something else so you can pounce - given everything that you have read does it not seem inevitable that I am angry with the way things are? That I am frustrated with not being able to stop the ex wife hurting people I love deliberately? Is that wrong? If I was totally detached from my DSC id be slagged for that as well saying I shouldn't have married someone with kids. Can't do right for doing wrong on here. Heaven forbid you perfect people ever have to deal with a woman or indeed a man like this.
Actually I'm fairly sure if this was a non resident father not bothering with his kids but being a 'Facebook dad' you'd be giving him a virtual beating

And just to clarify again in case anyone missed it.
I was asked if I could be called Mum.
I said yes that's fine whatever you are comfortable with.
I was asked if I would be Mum and that anyone new we met could think I actually did give birth to DSC. I said if that's what you want then okay, your decision.
This is a young adult who has the brain capacity to make decisions without being coerced into anything.

odfod
Thank you for constructive post. Yes we have sought the necessary help using counselling etc and this is why I am so annoyed at the idea of the flying monkeys undoing progress so far

Given that my DH kids were forced to call their mums boyfriend dad at a very young age I wouldn't have said no because it's what they thought was normal.
But I'm intrigued as to why you think I should have said no? Kicked a depressed vulnerable kid while she's down purely to appease idiots who think that giving birth to a child makes you an eternal mother? Don't think so

Aah, there you go.

My DSD chose to call me mum, not my choice (she isn't far off my age!) but she needed to feel loved and secure at a time when she didn't get that from her (birth) mum, and that was her way of feeling like that.

On the adoption boards someone talked about the fact that as adoptive parents we have to tolerate difficult behaviour from biological families and try to support positive relationships even when this is really hard, I would extend this to some step parenting situations too. We are not only expected to tolerate damaging behaviour but to manage the fallout whilst remaining sweetness and light. It's hard. I thought this was a support board?

Believe it or not when the kids were younger they mentioned calling me mum the ex said 'if she really loves you then she won't mind'
When I asked I replied 'you can call me what you like as long as your mum is okay with it'
She then said 'she means no she doesn't see you as her kids now she has one of her own'
How the fuck am I supposed to deal with that MN experts?

Iampissedoff - Why? Why on earth would you say to a young person who is taking the risk of making themself vulnerable and asking for your love and support and parenting 'no - you have to stick with the woman who has cast you aside?' Because that is absolutely what it means.

What a bizarre and damaging thing to do.

Have you even read the thread iampissedoff??
She doesn't have a relationship with her mum, her mum went NC nearly a year ago and TOLD HER THAT SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!
Yet she plays the dutiful mother to outsiders to save face thus leading them to feel my DSD has treated their friend badly. Ffs I wish people
Would read!

Op, take the high road with anyone who approaches you, encourage DSC to stand proud... She doesn't need family that will only throw insults and accusations. So long as the few she does hold close know the truth.

If anyone wants to throw insults and accusations just remind them they only know one side of the story - they should take nothing as gospel. Leave it at that don't elaborate just shoot them down and send them packing. The smart ones among them will get the message, the thick ones can always be reported for harassment if they continue, but it'll look better if you've calmly and politely told them to do one.

Adoption has actually been mentioned. By my DSD. Because she wants me to. Because in her eyes I am mum and she's accepted that her 'birth mother' wants no part of her life. What shall I say to that?
No that's not right just wait around forever to see if XXXX changes her mind?

I have sought advice. And technically she isn't doing anything illegal - even coercing her friends teenage daughters to say stuff to my DSD in her defence cannot be proven. She's very careful not to be direct so we can't have her for harassment

After ten years I knew as soon as I read the messages from dsds friend (exw friends kid) that the words had come right out of the ex wife's mouth. It wasn't even something a teenager would say but she may as well have just text it herself it was that painfully obvious

You haven't processed it Iam, if you have read it.

The OP clearly says that the mum / birth mum / whatever has chosen to disengage with the child's life and the child has asked for OP to take on that role. You then say that she should have refused that because the child has a relationship with her mum. She doesn't.

I think sometimes it's hard for traditional mums to understand that not every biological parent has the same standards as them and sometimes someone has to step in and try and support kids to get through this. It's a shame that rather than saying 'it's great that someone is happy to love this child and keep them well' that person gets attacked and accused of all sorts.

Maybe I don't seek it out they tell
Me if I need a heads up - in this situation I did because a select few are saying they are going to give my DSD a piece of their mind when they see her

And the advice I have been given with regards to my DSD is to protect her from any more heartache wherever necessary - don't stop her contacting the ex if it's what she really wants but advise against it, tell her to think about it for a few days and see if she really Thinks the outcome will be any different. This has happened twice and DSD has thought better of it to
Avoid being rejected again. The contact attempts always went the same - a message stating she cannot be a part time parent and she cannot have the best of both worlds, then numerous messages telling DSD what bastards we are and how we have never been interested her in. Which is pointless anyway because she remembers me meeting her dad and knows that has never been the case.

Im not sure how old your step daughter is (I know it's probably here and I've missed it, I'm sorry) but I'd have a standard prepped answer in case she is approached. E.g "there's 2 sides to every story, and as an adult you should realise I probably have my reasons. Thanks for your concern, but really it's only between me and the woman who gave birth to me"

Get her to practise the stock response, tell her (but don't show her) that her mums not been exactly honest and some people may question her. She doesn't have to tell them anything as its non of their business. Her mum probably believes the bull shit as no one believes they are the Villan of their story

Sadly she's already seen most of what her mum had put on FB because the friend who's mum is friends with hers had been sending her screenshots. Doesn't happen now because she has cut off contact with her friend - she knew herself that what her friend said was directly regurgitated. She was so upset but she knew that it was the only way seeing as the other girls mum didn't think it necessary to tell the ex wife NOT to involve her child, she has been fed the same story. So she knows that they all blame her. And us. She gets angry about it to me
And says how she would like to deal with things but I know my child and I know she would go to pieces if confronted by a grown woman about it

I agree with other who have said that your primary response should be to remain calm. Calm responses of 'we know the truth and that's all that matters' and 'I'm sure that was hurtful to hear, but you know you are right'. As far as blasting screenshots and such 'out there' or giving others a piece of your mind, I wouldn't. You don't need to justify anything to anyone. "Them that know don't care, and them that care don't know". You aren't going to change the mind of anyone in the mother's 'camp' so matter what you say or do. Save your breath to comfort DSD.

You say your DSD is a teen. There's a big difference between a 14 and 18 year old in terms of ability to handle this. Is she a 'younger' teen or an 'older' teen?

But do tell DSD that she has the right to walk away from anyone giving her shit about the situation.

Nothing. Hear all, see all, say nothing....karma.