Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Problems with DSS's mum

120 replies

Airylights · 30/11/2015 20:34

Sorry this is long.

I've been on and off with my partner for 2 years. I'm due our first child soon and he has a 3 year old son with a previous partner. They split up when she was in early pregnancy and she went on to have many sexual relations with other men and eventually got into a long term relationship with a man who was at DSS's birth and DSS was taught that was his dad. They have recently split and she is seeing someone else, having yet another father figure around her young son which must be confusing for him.

She has constantly messed OH around with contact arrangements and him paying money. He now is lucky enough to see him twice a week, for 8 hours in total (including the hour and a half MIL has to drive to pick him up and drop him off again). She gives him the times the same morning and if he isn't there for that time then she fucks off out with DSS and her new boyfriend. She demands £100 a month off of him (he doesn't earn much and they don't go down the CSA route) and then she asks MIL for money for other things, so gets around £250 in total. She lives with her parents so doesn't have to pay bills and everything is provided for her son by them so I imagine she just spends the money on booze and fags anyway. MIL has her on Facebook and from her photos and statuses she goes out drinking a fair bit so DSS is left with his grandparents a lot, when he could be with OH.

He is moving in with me shortly to save money and she has said DSS won't be able to visit at our house, he has to visit at his grandmas (MIL's) and that this will never change. So that means when baby is born we won't be able to have them together unless I go to his mums with him which is a lot of effort as it's an hour away from my house. I understand that she may feel threatened by OH having another child but she will be depriving DSS of a relationship with his half sisterSad. Anyone else experienced something like this? I'll be a first time parent and step parent so finding it hard to cope

OP posts:
Original poster
Airylights · 03/12/2015 00:15

He has never been physically shown the results, I'm not sure what kind it was. She just said he was but I think another guy is on the birth certificate

OP posts:
Original poster
Airylights · 03/12/2015 00:17

I think she might have tested the other guys to cancel them out which doesn't sound very plausible

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 03/12/2015 00:17

Well didn't he provide a sample? He sounds very passive.

Original poster
Airylights · 03/12/2015 00:19

No she didn't use him in the test. She told him she had the other possible fathers do it. It doesn't sound right to meHmm I might be reading into it too much but that might explain why she is so reluctant on having the two children round eachother because they might not even be related

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 03/12/2015 00:23

How does he not have the time to begin legal proceedings if he is not working full time?

I appreciate he doesn't have the funds to do so, but you blamed time also as a factor. And if he really wanted to take legal action, he would find the funds.

stitchglitched · 03/12/2015 00:28

He needs to grow up and take action to sort out this mess before involving this child in a new family unit with new baby. He should organise a proper DNA test and then he can apply for PR and a contact order if necessary. Is he just lazy or has he been burying his head in the sand? Either way, as a father of potentially 2 children he needs to buck his ideas up.

lookluv · 03/12/2015 14:55

what a posionous judgemental bunch of posts airylights.

As to what he should pay - £7 as you will soon find out does not go a long way to feeding a child.

Yet another feckless father.

unicornflesh · 03/12/2015 15:17

I don't see what's so feckless about £250 a month to a kid that probably isn't even hisHmm

I really hope the mother doesn't continue to breed from the facts OP has stated about her

unicornflesh · 03/12/2015 15:23

What kind of person puts another mans name down as the child's father but still demands money from her ex and his family. I really do hope things go okay for you OP and she doesn't continue to mess you partner around like this. Please keep us updated on the DNA front

stitchglitched · 03/12/2015 15:35

Well he presumably had unprotected sex with her at some point to have accepted the child is his. I think it is pretty feckless to have not pursued a DNA test, contact order and parental responsibility in 3 years especially if the mother is as bad as described and SS have been involved. And to then procreate again in another on off relationship before any issues with the first child have been resolved.

SirChenjin · 03/12/2015 16:24

He doesn't pay her £250.

What sort of a man doesn't bother chasing a DNA test, doesn't bother to work full time, fathers another child in an off/on relationship, sees his first child a few hours a week, doesn't bother getting the lawyers involved to fight for his parental rights?

One that most women would run a mile from.

TendonQueen · 03/12/2015 16:37

No good making it into a fecklessness competition. The focus should be on the best thing for the little boy and if his father, whatever limitations he's displayed before, wants to have time with him then he should now step up and show how he will be a useful presence in his son's life. He must take it to court, and do what is needed to get the money together for that.

unicornflesh · 03/12/2015 19:25

OP clearly stated that the mother gets £250 a month from them whilst not working herself and her son being provided for by the grandparents. Bloody hell I wish it was that easy for me whilst I was raising my childrenHmm

NoSmileToday · 03/12/2015 19:54

No the feckless father hands over £100 and the feckless fathers guilt ridden mother apparently hands over a further £150.

i hope the mother doesn't continue to breed

It appears the father is the one going round impregnating women and creating children he can't/won't care for.

I thought I was a toxic bitch but you surpass even me unicorn

Your not a sock puppet are you?

unicornflesh · 03/12/2015 20:13

Haha no. My father spent years providing for a child that turned out to be his best friend's. Some women are just that disgusting. At least the guy has a second chance with a woman that clearly has her head in the right place, a home and money for their baby.

Original poster
Airylights · 03/12/2015 20:19

I urged DP to question her about it and he asked to see the results. She told him she has lost them and now she's told his mum he isn't the father.

I feel really ill. I've never seen so much devastation. He was meant to have him tomorrow as well. I don't know where we go from hereSad

OP posts:
unicornflesh · 03/12/2015 20:25

I'm really sorry to hear that OP, here if you need a talkFlowers

TrinityForce · 03/12/2015 20:30

she's told the woman she gets £150pm from that her son isn't the father?

i'd run a mile from this guy, OP. Is he going to be giving you £100 pm or covering bills whilst you're on maternity leave, and he's moved in?

Original poster
Airylights · 03/12/2015 20:40

I'm sure her new boyfriend is funding her habits so she probably doesn't need their money anymore. He can get a good job here and move in with me now she's done that. Like I said I own my house and I am in a good financial postition. I wasn't supposed to be able to conceive so this baby is my little miracle. I am not the type of woman that needs to rely on a man. I need to be there for him and his family right now.

OP posts:
PrimeDirective · 03/12/2015 20:42

This just gets more and more bizarre!
I think he needs to establish for sure if he is the father.

unicornflesh · 03/12/2015 20:48

I suggest you encourage him to walk away and concentrate on your precious baby OP. I'm sure she is big enough to deal with the shit storm she has created. Counselling is also a good idea for both him and his mother. There really are some awful people out there

NoSmileToday · 03/12/2015 22:50

Ooo it's all change isn't it. So for 3 years she has told him he is the father and now as of today she has suddenly announced he's not......are you sure OP?
I mean have you heard this from anyone else but him?

If it is true then more fool him as he should have sorted this out 3 years ago.
Run for the hills OP and concentrate on your baby and leave this car crash behind.

newname99 · 03/12/2015 23:07

Your dp needs to go to court, it doesn't have to be expensive. ..can mil use her contributions to help? It really is money well spent.You can file at a court and you don't need a solicitor, your dp could phone and get the paperwork tomorrow! Fill it in, pay a small fee and wait for a date. Family court is not like criminal court, you sit in front of a judge ( normally male wearing a suit) in an office environment.He reads the background, asks questions and will make an order for regular contact.

Nothing will change unless HE does this.
As an aside, you may still be in the loved up stage but from the outside your dp appears passive/victim like.Just make sure you are not in 'rescuing' mode, give him advice but if he doesn't take action then don't get caught up in the drama of his/ex life...It will sap all the strength you have and you will look back and wonder where the successful woman went.

vichill · 04/12/2015 18:46

Think we've been trolled ladies.

AlongcameMolly · 05/12/2015 03:40

Op

I find it unbelievable that you seem to know so much about this woman's life and habits. You've cruelly put her down, yet write as if the sun shines out of your partners arse!
It's obvious he's a waste of space as a father, so don't assume he'll be any different with your baby. As for your comment that your financially stable, well I suppose you'll be grateful for that fact when you eventually realise that you'll highly likely be the only one providing adequately for your child.

Nosmiletoday
I agree with everything you've posted. I've also had the sheer frustration pleasure of being on the receiving end of Minnies argumentative and vile posts, as have others I've noticed. There's quite a pattern.

Unfortunately, there are some who think they know it all.