Problems with DSS's mum

[Airylights]

Sorry this is long.

I've been on and off with my partner for 2 years. I'm due our first child soon and he has a 3 year old son with a previous partner. They split up when she was in early pregnancy and she went on to have many sexual relations with other men and eventually got into a long term relationship with a man who was at DSS's birth and DSS was taught that was his dad. They have recently split and she is seeing someone else, having yet another father figure around her young son which must be confusing for him.

She has constantly messed OH around with contact arrangements and him paying money. He now is lucky enough to see him twice a week, for 8 hours in total (including the hour and a half MIL has to drive to pick him up and drop him off again). She gives him the times the same morning and if he isn't there for that time then she fucks off out with DSS and her new boyfriend. She demands £100 a month off of him (he doesn't earn much and they don't go down the CSA route) and then she asks MIL for money for other things, so gets around £250 in total. She lives with her parents so doesn't have to pay bills and everything is provided for her son by them so I imagine she just spends the money on booze and fags anyway. MIL has her on Facebook and from her photos and statuses she goes out drinking a fair bit so DSS is left with his grandparents a lot, when he could be with OH.

He is moving in with me shortly to save money and she has said DSS won't be able to visit at our house, he has to visit at his grandmas (MIL's) and that this will never change. So that means when baby is born we won't be able to have them together unless I go to his mums with him which is a lot of effort as it's an hour away from my house. I understand that she may feel threatened by OH having another child but she will be depriving DSS of a relationship with his half sister. Anyone else experienced something like this? I'll be a first time parent and step parent so finding it hard to cope

[M1nniedriver]

aw, along, it's been a while

As a matter of fact I happen to agree with most of the comments about the OPs DP, while I wouldn't be as nasty as you in my response I do question the validity of the post . nosmile was arguing the same point as I was, but, not unlike yourself knew what I was saying was right. I chose not to continue the childish argument!

As for my 'vile' posts, i think your 1st response to the OP speaks volumes. The only pattern here is you coming into SP parent threads that even mention an exW and posting nasty shit like above. Seriously, do you have nothing better to do than hate on SP? It screams bitterness.

So nice to see you again

[HughGrantsHair]

OP I feel for you because you are involved in a complete and utter mess.

If your partner isn't sure he is that child's father, why on earth would he accept " I've lost the DNA results, of which you were never tested of course" as a valid answer?

I'm projecting but I expect you are being misled. Lots of vitriol about the ex and he's the poor hard done by.

He needs to establish parentage, he needs to formalise contact, he needs to find a better job. If he doesn't do all of those things, please please start thinking about just yourself and your baby as you may well find yourself in his exes shoes in the future (not her sleeping around shoes, but her single parent with a very passive ex shoes).

[Vixxfacee]

Wow what a big development in the story

[M1nniedriver]

I find this story very strange

[cannotlogin]

I don't think it's strange...I think it's typical of many men (and women) who's relationships break down due to their poor behaviour and rather than face up to that, they create a new version of history which they 'sell' to the new people in their lives. New people have no reason to question it - until it gets to the point, as with the OP, that other people who are not so invested in the relationship, point out the obvious gaps and anomalies.

Also typically, new people like to believe that the ex was 'bad' and they are 'good' and that their relationship is 'better' and 'more real' and somehow more worthwhile. As a result, they likely to want to accept a version of events that to others may sound unlikely (particularly others who have been through a relationship breakdown).

My ex left me pregnant for another woman he had managed to have a child with whilst we were married. He told her - and other people - that the baby couldn't be his because he hadn't slept with me for months. He demanded a DNA test through the CSA but didn't go through with it - presumably because he didn't want to pay for something he knew to be true. But that doesn't stop him saying he's lost the results or never had sight of them - particularly as most people won't have knowledge of how the CSA and DNA testing works so would believe it possible he wouldn't get the results from official sources, for example. My ex and I also moved a considerable distance post-divorce to enable us to be able to buy property separately. This has very conveniently resulted in a new social circle and friendship group for him - he has no one he sees on a daily basis who could tell a new woman he gets involved with the truth of him having left me. Consequently, I believe (although I don't know - call it a putting together of doorstep handover comments and stuff the children say) he tells people that I had an affair, that I left him for the other man, that I am a bit of a slag who sleeps around, that it's possible the children aren't his (but what a wonderful man he is for being their father anyway) and that I stop him from seeing the children as much as he would like. None of it is true but there is no one to challenge him. I am sure the step mothers in my children's lives believe he is a victim and I am a terrible person, a terrible mother and just overall damn right terrible!

For these reasons, I believe posts like this don't necessarily come from 'trolls'. I think it's highly likely the OP is genuine. I also think it's highly likely she's come across someone like my ex and has unfortunately fallen for it. It's not a reflection on her - my ex is very credible, professional and intelligent man. He was generally kind and caring to be with. I do, however, think, she has a responsibility to see the bigger picture - for her own sake, and that of her unborn child.

[AlongcameMolly]

As for my vile posts, I think your 1st response to the Op speaks Volumes

What are you implying Minnie? That I'm posting as someone else on this thread also? If so, you couldn't be more wrong, I wouldn't need to.

Why are you posting that Nosmiletoday knew what you were saying was right when she was strongly disagreeing with you?,
She was quite right to disagree as you ARE wrong when you bang on that this man's ex can't stop the Op.seeing her child.

Of course she can! She can prevent this man seeing the child, therefore op too, until if and when he applies for a child arrangements order, which I doubt he'll bother to do.

Do you grasp this yet Minnie? You really DON'T know it all!

As for your accusation of me being nasty, you really should take a read through your OWN posts. As I've said before on a previous thread, you come across as extremely aggressive and poisonous, you can bite back and deny this fact all you like but it's there in black and white for all to see.

[M1nniedriver]

Please stop hijacking threads to attack me, it really is desperate and a little creepy

[M1nniedriver]

I just find it odd that a man would pay for s child he doesn't know is his. Believes, given the exS apparent history, that she has done a DNA test but lost it Knows the child is/has been at risk yet does nothing about it. Proclaims he is devestated about the situation then in the space of a few posts the ex has suddenly announced that he is not the father, after 3 years of pretending he is it's not out with the realms of possibility but it is pretty incredible and quite unfortunate really.

[AyeAmarok]

Well, didn't this story move quickly and predictably.

[AlongcameMolly]

You really are something else aren't you Minnie?
You obviously detest anyone disagreeing with you, and from what I've read you've 'attacked' various posters yourself, so don't play the victim.

Cannotlogin
I also think the Op is genuine, but just another one of those who believe that their partners ex is all bad, but the partner is the best thing since sliced bread. It's a shame these posters are so naive.

[M1nniedriver]

i have no problem at all with people disagreeing with me. Many do which is great, the joy of debating and giving different opinions. No one to date has set out on a personal vendetta against me like yourself, popping every now and again to attack because I once disagreed with you unhinged.

hijacking others threads for your own personal vendettas is poor form, are you going to stalk me round the whole board ir do you only scour the SP one?

[AlongcameMolly]

I have no problem at all with people disagreeing with me

funny that because it seems to me you have a very BIG problem when others disagree with you, so.much so that you've accused people of trolling, obsessing, stalking you etc, just because we won't buy your know it all crap.

As for having a personal vendetta against you, just because I explained to another poster that I've been on the receiving end of your aggressiveness, why shouldn't I point that out, it's true!

If you seriously think I have some sort of vendetta against you then you are completely deluded. You're not worth it for a start.

As I've said on a previous thread, and another poster has also pointed this out to you on here, you appear to use a great deal of projection. If you don't understand the meaning of this then run along and look it up.

You may work out that clearly you have some serious issues going on.

[M1nniedriver]

Not had this problem with anyone except you. I'm going to stop feeding you now

[M1nniedriver]

so.much so that you've accused people of trolling, obsessing, stalking you etc, just because we won't buy your know it all crap.

Okay, I'll give you one more morsel No I havent, only you. It was pointed out to you by others on a previous thread that you were talking shite and obsessing, take the hint.

[AlongcameMolly]

The only one or two who were in your 'posse' were also clearly filled with irrational hatred and jealousy for their partners ex wives.
Bit of advice, if you stay with your partner Minnie and I pity the poor bastard then try to get over your obsession with her, because she ain't going nowhere!

[M1nniedriver]

His ex and I have long passed those issues on the face if it anyway, we are civil when we meet which thankfully isn't often. You'll be delighted to hear that the poor bastard, as you so nicely described him, and myself are currently parting ways amicably. Nothing to do with the SC and nothing, directly anyway, to do with the ex. When someone has been treated the way she treated him in the past it leaves deep scars. Scars unfortunately that I can't fix, after many years of trying.

Round of applause for turning yet another thread into a childish pathetic attempt to bash me. You've shown yourself up for what you really are. Hopefully you won't be following me around MN Anymore but if you continue to do this on other threads I post in I'll report you. Read the rules!!

[M1nniedriver]

You're lovely!! Now run along molly!

[Dorsetmama]

"What it boils down to is the father is useless."
This^^
He sounds like so many part time parents. Deadbeat dads. Whatever the term. He can't even be bothered to get a job with a stable contract so he can fully support his child. He intends to sponge off you. It won't be long after he has moved in before he quits work. You already sound prepared to support him. Fine, but at least don't defend him. £7 a week is a pittance for a child and shouldn't even be legal, its a shame it is. Makes me so mad!! £100 a month is reasonable abd should make you and your partner feel good.
It doesn't matter what she spends it on, as long as the child has all his needs met with the money she gets.