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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Problems with DSS's mum

120 replies

Airylights · 30/11/2015 20:34

Sorry this is long.

I've been on and off with my partner for 2 years. I'm due our first child soon and he has a 3 year old son with a previous partner. They split up when she was in early pregnancy and she went on to have many sexual relations with other men and eventually got into a long term relationship with a man who was at DSS's birth and DSS was taught that was his dad. They have recently split and she is seeing someone else, having yet another father figure around her young son which must be confusing for him.

She has constantly messed OH around with contact arrangements and him paying money. He now is lucky enough to see him twice a week, for 8 hours in total (including the hour and a half MIL has to drive to pick him up and drop him off again). She gives him the times the same morning and if he isn't there for that time then she fucks off out with DSS and her new boyfriend. She demands £100 a month off of him (he doesn't earn much and they don't go down the CSA route) and then she asks MIL for money for other things, so gets around £250 in total. She lives with her parents so doesn't have to pay bills and everything is provided for her son by them so I imagine she just spends the money on booze and fags anyway. MIL has her on Facebook and from her photos and statuses she goes out drinking a fair bit so DSS is left with his grandparents a lot, when he could be with OH.

He is moving in with me shortly to save money and she has said DSS won't be able to visit at our house, he has to visit at his grandmas (MIL's) and that this will never change. So that means when baby is born we won't be able to have them together unless I go to his mums with him which is a lot of effort as it's an hour away from my house. I understand that she may feel threatened by OH having another child but she will be depriving DSS of a relationship with his half sister. Anyone else experienced something like this? I'll be a first time parent and step parent so finding it hard to cope

OP posts:

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 17:33

I didn't want to mention this as it's upsetting but SS were also involved because bruises were found on DSS from the boyfriend she has just split up with, apparently being rough with a 1 and a half year old baby is normal to him. She had the choice of staying with the guy or staying with her DSS so she ran off with him briefly and left DSS with her parents. Her choice in men is toxic and not good for her son

Are you including her ex your BF in that too?

£400 a month (he's on zero hours and doesn't get many shifts as there has been an influx in employees recently), the £7 doesn't include fees. He has been trying to get a better job but would need to get one in our nearest city and would struggle working full time and being able to spend time with his son because of the distances between them

How do you think other fathers who work full time cope? My ex works 40 hours a week and still manages to have his children 4 out of 8 nights. Besides as you say he only sees him for 8 hours a week I am sure he could fit working full time around that......ya know like other full time working fathers do.

M1nniedriver · 02/12/2015 18:07

Legally the mother can do what she likes

No, she can't stop him taking the chikd to OPs if he wishes. Whether he bothers to or not is another question altogether

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 18:40

Minnie unless the father takes the mother to court she can stop/dictate contact as much as she likes. It isn't against the law until a judge says so. So actually yes legally she can do what she likes regarding contact as there is no court order against her so legally she isn't breaking the law.
You may want to read up on the law and what constitutes as illegal before you go spouting off.

M1nniedriver · 02/12/2015 19:44

smile having been in that situation I can confirm that the mother can not stop the father taking the child to the OPs unless she has a court order to prevent it. It's really not that difficult to work out is it? She and you can throw your toys out of the pram as much as you like, if the father wants to take the child there he can. Perhaps you need to do the reading

I suspect he probably won't, doesn't sound like is that bothered.

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 19:58

You are missing the point minnie without a court order the ex can dictate/control/stop contact as much as she likes and doing so is not illegal as in no law has been broken. It only becomes an illegal act if she goes against a court order.

Nobody is throwing their toys out of the pram, your original statement was wrong you just won't accept you are wrong. You said the ex has no legal right to stop him introducing the ex but until he gets a court order there are no legalities involved so the ex can stop whatever she likes legally cos ya know no law has been broken.

Not difficult to understand really.

M1nniedriver · 02/12/2015 20:15

How can she stop him, he is the child's father and had the right to spend his time with them as he sees fit. She says the kid can't go to the OPs, but she and you are wrong. The father can take the child to the OPs if he wants, the only legal way to prevent it is to get a court order she could try and make it difficult for him, granted, but if he wants to do it she can't stop him. I think it's you that's missing the point. Ive been there, I know.

DPs ex tried that one, 'your not seeing the kids if she's there'. It wasn't difficult, he picked the kids up as usual and we did what we had always done, nothing she could do about it, that's exactly what the solicitor told her too Feel free to read up on it.

I'm by no means standing up for this guy, he sounds like a pretty shit dad but merely pointing out that you are wrong.

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 20:32

She can stop him by withholding contact, making sure contact only happens at a certain place/house. If he doesn't comply he won't see the child.

FFS Minnie get of your high horse so you have been there, what are you now an expert

You said she had no legal right to stop it and the fucking point is she is not doing anything illegal by stopping it because there is no fucking court order!! Christ how hard is that to understand. Legally until challenged by the feckless father in court the mother can do what the fuck she likes because THE IS NO COURT ORDER TELLING HER SHE CAN'T.

I don't know why I am trying to argue with stupidity.

M1nniedriver · 02/12/2015 20:49

You really have nosmiletoday do you? Do you feel better for using caps lock? You seem to have a little pick here, have we met before

Well, I wouldn't call myself an expert now, but I know how the system works if that's what you mean? She can temporarily make it difficult for him to see his children making her a shiter parent than he is but if he wants to, he can see the children with OP, which was my point. She can stop him temporarily but she has no LEGAL right to stop him or her seeing his children, like I said, several times , I doubt he will bother.

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 20:55

Only if you understood what I said.

Yes we have met before and your anti ex tone always turns my stomach as I find you project in 99% of your posts.

Yes it would make her a shittier parent but what you said was wrong. Legally she can do what she likes until he takes legal steps to stop her which he hasn't bothered to do in 3 years. Legally the ex is not breaking the law in controlling or stopping contact and the OP needs to understand that unless the father takes legal steps the ex can do what the fuck she likes.

Do you feel better for the head tilt?

Original poster

Airylights · 02/12/2015 21:09

I wish people would read my posts in detail before flaming me

SHE left him when she was pregnant to have multiple sexual relations with other men and go to parties where there were drugs and alcohol consumption (have been told by mutual friends as well as him so he isn't twisting things), SHE moved with her parents to an entirely different county, SHE monopolised DSS's DNA test results that OH asked for as there were rumours she cheated refusing to tell him until he gave her money, SHE puts DSS in danger by surrounding him with toxic men. It is heartbreaking for him to have gone through all of that. He cries when she says he can't see DSS on his allocated days because she's 'busy'. He hasn't got the time or the funds to challenge her in court yet

OP posts:

M1nniedriver · 02/12/2015 21:09

Oh no, I'm not anti ex at all. I'm an ex as well as a SM. Okay if you think I was wrong then I was wrong, she can absolutely stop the OP from seeing the children she absolutely can't but I'm worried you're so angry you might never smile again

99% of my posts? You've had a lot of time to look through them all you should get a hobby. Go and harass obsess some other poor soul, I'm bored of you now, it's a pointless argument when your pretty much saying the same thing

Original poster

Airylights · 02/12/2015 21:15

at least he has a job and is trying his best to get another one unlike some deadbeat dads

OP posts:

Original poster

Airylights · 02/12/2015 21:16

She doesn't work if you haven't gathered that, she has her life handed to her on a lovely plate by her family. Surely mothers should provide for their children too? Especially when she is not caring for him full time

OP posts:

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 21:20

She has done all that and not once has he sort legal advice and gone to court to get custody of his child in 3 years! For a man who used to earn £1500 per month and who now barely works you say he hasn't had the time or money in 3 years to do anything about it Yep he sounds like father of the year that one.

minnie my nn is one I changed to last Tuesday when my much loved FIL died of stomach cancer after a hard faught battle. I don't yet feel smiley enough to change it back to my original one.
As for looking through your posts don't flatter yourself, I have simply been around for some time and your toxic ill informed posts have stuck with me hence why I remember you.

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 21:21

Sort = sought.

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 21:23

OP why are you so obsessed with this women's life? She doesn't need to answer to you. You really want to come down of you high horse given you are now pregnant to an on off BF you don't live with who won't work full time to support the child he has or the one he has on the way. Your picture ain't so pretty either dear.

Original poster

Airylights · 02/12/2015 21:24

Goodness me. Sorry for your loss but don't take it out on a stranger over the internet

OP posts:

Original poster

Airylights · 02/12/2015 21:27

And yes, he can really suddenly get full time work in the current state of jobs He is providing for his child, she is not. Yes he is the worst father of the year. Yes it is my business since I've watched her antics destroy him. Yes we've been on and off because he can't trust women after what she did and is terrified I will do the same to him with this baby

OP posts:

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 21:29

I am not taking it out on you. I would have said exactly the same to you last week. Your BF is a feckless father and you need to leave the ex out of it. Christ you are not even a step mum. How about you concentrate on how he supports you and your baby and leave the ex out of it.

wannaBe · 02/12/2015 21:31

this is all about technicality, surely?

Technically, the ex can't stop him from taking his child to see his new partner. But if she says "no, you're not seeing him," and he doesn't challenge that and instead goes along with it, then practically she has done exactly that.

It's very easy to sit there and say that legally there's nothing she can do, but there are enough men going to court to fight for access to their children to know that there are women who do exactly that and do block contact. Where the dad is in the wrong is by not challenging her. He can't claim that she can do what she wants unless he actually challenges it.

Op, no-one has flamed you, but I think it's fairly clear that your dp has warped priorities. His child is perceived to be at risk to the extent social services have been involved, his ex refuses to allow him to see him, and yet he doesn't have the time or the money to do anything about it? Really?

So, if when your baby is born, your ex decided that he was going to take her and keep her with him, introduce her to a string of other abusive women and stop you from seeing her, and imagine you didn't have any money, would you just sit back and say "oh, I don't have the time or the money to pursue this" and cry about it?

There is not a man alive who could keep me from my child. I would go through hell and back for him, and if I thought he were being abused I would be on social services doorstep until they did something. And then I'd be at the court until they did something. And if I had to sell my soul to the devil himself then that's what I would do.

There are women out there who obstruct contact with their dc' fathers, and it's entirely possible that your dp's ex is one of those. However many of those fathers do whatever it takes at whatever cost to have access to their children. It sounds as if your dp is not one of those.

M1nniedriver · 02/12/2015 21:32

Right so 99% of the few posts ive put on the SM section bravo!!

There are more, 100s orobably, take your time, have a troll. As for your FIL, I am sorry about that, my DM is undergoing treatment for terminal CA so I know how that feels. It's a tough battle!

OP, I'm more than a little confused as to why your DP didnt take his DS away from her if he felt he was in danger that alone would give me cause for concern, never mind the rest. Why has he allowed his son to be with her? Surely any father worth his name wouldn't allow that to happen. I doubt there's an obstacle on this planet that would stop my DP if he thought for a second his children were on any danger. Seems odd.

NoSmileToday · 02/12/2015 21:33

How long has he been looking OP?

Let's face it if it's more than 6 months he isn't really looking. Plus if he was earning £1500 per month and his ex was treating his son so badly why didn't he go for custody or even 50-50? And don't say lack of time because that is a pathetic excuse if your child is at risk of abuse you damn well make time.

ravenAK · 02/12/2015 21:37

He isn't your step son, OP.

You just have an on/off relationship with his dad.

I'd suggest you let the chap & his ex fight it out & don't make it your circus - 'dss' is not your monkey.

Agree with previous posters that your boyfriend sounds fairly hapless, but that's a separate issue.

spanisharmada · 02/12/2015 21:39

Hate to but in but if the dad has parental responsibility minnie is right, he can collect his child from nursery/school/grandparent and the mum would have to go to court. Bad idea obviously but nothing the mum can do about it without serious concerns for safety/court order.

Thisismyfirsttime · 02/12/2015 21:41

Since OP has said that the child was born when the mother was in a relationship with someone else and that person was in the dad role I'm assuming (please correct me if I'm wrong OP) that the dp isn't named on the birth certificate. And therefore has no parental rights.
Of course the mother can say dp can't see the child with OP, or at all. She's perfectly within her rights to do that. It's just that at that point a willing and concerned father would go to court to ensure she was unable to legally deny him ever again.
I'd tread carefully if I were you OP.

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