Daughter never included...

[Purplerain067]

I was going to post in AIBU but thought I might get better advice here.
I live with my dd (3) and partner in my very small appartment. He has three dc.
On weekends they come here to see their Dad.
Am I being unreasonable to believe that it is my daughters home and for them to play with her toys and sleep in her room they should at least respond to her when she talks to them?
They ignore her over and over, all I here is "(child's name) will you play with me please" repeated 10x. My daughter is the youngest and I admit that she does get excited when they're here and is likely to be a bit annoying in their eyes but it breaks my heart to hear her wanting to play and for them to look straight through her at the TV.

They will exclude her from other activities also, when we play outside with a football they will play games she doesn't understand, they will watch films too old for her etc, I really feel she is singled out in her own home.

I felt so sad for my daughter today I took her away from the situation and spent some quality time alone with her. Shes only 3 and doesn't understand why no one would want to play

Am I over reacting?

We don't really know though do we because there isn't enough information in the OP to know exactly how it happens? I'm just thinking about my DD3 who absolutely would do that if she didn't get her own way immediately.

I feel more sympathy for my older DC when they've been pestered continuously than I do for DD3 who doesn't like it when they won't play with her.

I read the OP's comments to mean that the older DCs aren't responding to her at all. They aren't explaining that they are reading books or busy doing something. They are pretending she doesn't exist.

If they are responding and the 3YO is ignoring their response and continuing to ask, that is a whole different situation and, clearly, it would be appropriate for her to intervene and stop her DD nagging.

I was the elder whose youngest (SS) got on my nerves and who was told off by my SM for not playing with her. What annoyed me though is that I felt that it wasn't that I didn't play with her that got my parents to tell me off, but the fact that she then went and whinged about it to them and they wanted her to go away too!

The reality is that I felt I was playing with her more than I wanted to already, so I thought it was unfair that I was expected to give her even more time. I can see now that from her perspective (as a single child), she loved the fact that she finally got company when I came over every other week-end and wanted my attention. It took me a while to realise that she really looked up to me. I can look back now and feel a bit sorry for her that I didn't appreciate her love better, but at the time, she was just soooooo annoying!!

I know it's normal for older siblings to sometimes ignore their younger siblings if they're busy. But it doesn't make it right. Up thread someone mentioned that us adults do it as well and that we are all guilty of it. That's not right either.

I disagree. Am I the only parent begging her children to just ignore each other please! Rather than ending up in a brawl?

Also, of course I ignore my DC sometimes. I was not put on this earth to entertain them whenever they are bored. They have to learn to amuse themselves sometimes. Of course, they are given attention, but if they could choose they would have my full and undivided attention every waking moment. Three year olds are especially like this. I understand this all changes in adolescence, but until then I will ignore them from time to time. (I need to cook, clean, use the loo, answer the phone, and good forbid read a chapter of a book while having a cup of tea lest I lose my mind.)

She only asks over and over because she is ignored over and over, if they were to answer her the first time she asks and say they were busy she would soon learn that not everyone wants to play all the time. Which is what I would say to her.

I don't expect her to get her own way

I expect her to be treated with respect and be listened to in her own home though.

OP is the apartment yours or joint with DP? You speak about it being your DD's home/bedroom/toys etc but if you are aiming towards a blended family then it should be the DSC's home too. They should not have to be grateful/thankful to your DD for staying there.

If however it is sole your place it is obviously causing resentment and you either need to get a (bigger) joint home or reassess your relationship.

I think that's a reasonable expectation. Sorry if I've missed or forgotten something, but does your dp not say anything to his children about their behaviour? What does he think?
Because, yes my dd1 would have treated dd3 like this when she was an annoying 3yo (in her opinion!), but dh and I would've had little tolerance for that and been quick to curb the ignoring etc.

Also, the movie watching needs to be fair. The older kids can't always dictate which movie is on when they're there, your dd needs a turn too.

FGS tell them. Tell them that you expect them to treat her kindly. That's not beyond your remit. You are their step-mother - or will be if this all works out - so act like it. Your home, you expect a level of good behaviour. Tell them what it is.

She only asks over and over because she is ignored over and over, if they were to answer her the first time she asks and say they were busy she would soon learn that not everyone wants to play all the time.

Really? Is this your first child OP? I do agree that the SC should not be unkind, but I think your expectations are too high. With my own DC, they never asked once, were politely told "no" and then went on their way.

Never. Not at three. Not at five. Not at eight. etc. What actually happens is asking again, and again, and again. Usually with some physical contact thrown in to stop the other child from whatever they are engaged in. It soon ends up in a squabble, if not a wrestling match. Hey presto, the child wanting the other's attention gets it. It may be negative attention, but it's attention. Not long after, I'm called in to hear a lot of bickering about "who started it!"

Reading your posts and expectations, I would think that I was a particularly inept mother, except in real life, this goes on in all the families that I know with more than one child.

A lot of us would gladly settle for "ignoring."

Given the complexity of the family situation you have, it could be a lot worse than ignoring. Pushing for more interaction could back-fire.

I think you have a right to not like the dynamic of this situation for your own child. It may be best to walk away from this man and all that comes with him. Sometimes things just don't work, even if you love them.

I think that you need to tell the DSC not to ignore anyone and that they need to acknowledge your DD when she speaks to them. They also need to know that it's ok to say that they don't want to play.

They shouldn't exclude her if they're doing things together though. If my DD3 wanted to play something that my older DC were playing I would ask them to play a younger version for 15 minutes of so (with me helping her) and then I would take DD3 to do something else whilst they continued to play at their level. So when your DP plays football in the park they could do a kick around version for 15 minutes making sure that your DD gets a few kicks before you ask who wants to go to the play area with you and your DD. The 6 year old might choose to go with you.

StarOnTheTree, I think this is an excellent suggestion and good compromise.

Have you thought that the DSC maybe ignoring to avoid sounding rude or unkind by saying "no, we are busy doing something else" or "you are too young to join in". Give them some guidance on how you expect them to behave and what is the best way in deflecting your DD when are a bit frustrated by her. Show them and her how she can join with out being a nuisance.

Praise and reward when they get it right, guide and intervene when they need support.

Learning to play alongside other children is a skill that pre-schoolers have to practise to master.

Crying when it doesn't work for her, is not a behaviour to encourage, even if you feel your heart go out to her.

Do they have their own stuff at your house?

I had the opposite advice for one of my DSC - she was repeatedly asked by her parents to spend more time with her older sibling - who could be quite rude. I asked DP and DSC if they would consider that she wasn't DSCs responsibility - to be kind yes but not have to be her friend if it wasn't working.

But I can see, if she is only 3 she doesn't understand. Maybe all do something once a day - play in the garden with you helping and then say they are ok to do their own thing the rest of the time. Then just try and let your 3 year old do other stuff with you.

Dtds are now 4 and play with dd1 who is 7 but a year ago dtds were 3 and dd1 6 and to be honest I imagine the 3yos were really annoying to my 6yo. Dd1 is very patient and has a very calm temperament but I imagine a different dc would struggle. If they have younger ones at home too maybe they feel no obligation to involve younger dd as it's their break from their siblings? I'm not saying being rude is okay but I imagine it will be less of an issue as dd gets older and maybe, rather than make an issue, I think I would take one of the older two (probably the most dominant) and use lots of gushing praise - "dd has been so excited about you coming and been talking about you all of yesterday. She really seems taken with you. I know she's little but would you let her play with you - you'd make her so happy." I just think you'll get a better reaction than forced interaction.

Madmum24 It is solely my apartment. I have done all that I can to accommodate them space wise, they have many belongings, toys etc here but I completely agree that a bigger place is essential. I don't expect them to be grateful, just polite.

I will talk to everyone and set a few ground rules, I think StarOnTheTree's suggestion is a good idea and should work well for both my daughter and DSC.

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo Yes she is my first and only child, she doesn't squabble or wrestle, just gets upset and asks me why no one wants to play. I think she sees them coming over as a big fun sleepover when in reality it is just another weekend and they just want to relax and get on with their own thing.

Just a thought- how clear and loud is your dd's speech? Would a stranger understand her if they weren't concentrating on her? I ask because one of my children could only be understood by me when he was just 3.

I think your dp is wrong not to expect more from his sons. I have a 9 year old and he often goes to his friends houses where they have younger sisters. If he ignored them, looked through them etc I'd be very disappointed. That's unacceptably rude. If my son behaved like that towards a random child at school I would expect an adult to pull him up on it.

How much does your dp want to blend your families?

I think that you should work on getting your dd to lower her expectations. I can imagine that at her age, she might think that they are coming to visit her. You need to teach her that when talking to people playing computer games she needs to talk loudly and catch their eye because they might be concentrating too hard on the screen.