Daughter never included...

[Purplerain067]

I was going to post in AIBU but thought I might get better advice here.
I live with my dd (3) and partner in my very small appartment. He has three dc.
On weekends they come here to see their Dad.
Am I being unreasonable to believe that it is my daughters home and for them to play with her toys and sleep in her room they should at least respond to her when she talks to them?
They ignore her over and over, all I here is "(child's name) will you play with me please" repeated 10x. My daughter is the youngest and I admit that she does get excited when they're here and is likely to be a bit annoying in their eyes but it breaks my heart to hear her wanting to play and for them to look straight through her at the TV.

They will exclude her from other activities also, when we play outside with a football they will play games she doesn't understand, they will watch films too old for her etc, I really feel she is singled out in her own home.

I felt so sad for my daughter today I took her away from the situation and spent some quality time alone with her. Shes only 3 and doesn't understand why no one would want to play

Am I over reacting?

Of course they're going to play with your DD's toys - they're in their weekend home and the toys are there. They're not visitors, you know. They shouldn't have to ask before they touch everything. If you don't want them to behave as if they live there, put the toys out of sight. It's too much to expect that children of this age will ask before they touch everything child-related because these things belong to one child.

In terms of gathering around watching a TV screen - what did you expect they would do? If I was a child, I would also feel there was 'no room' for a fourth; three is a squeeze as it is. Yes, it would be nice if they included you daughter, but siblings are quite likely to behave like this. It's nothing to do with the child not being related to them. It's clear that you don't see these children as family and you are not used to parenting more than one child. Children often want to be nice in theory but in practice, it's difficult. Parents have to set things up in such a way that it will be easy for them. Don't allow a film to be put on the laptop; put it on the TV screen and group everyone around it with snacks. Don't split up at the playground - bring a game that you will all play together and carry it through. The children won't be inclusive unless you are. They won't seem likeable to you if you don't like them first. You can go through the weekend troubleshooting their behaviour with a rod of iron, but it won't make any difference to what's going on under the surface. You're looking on it as bad behaviour; I'm thinking it sounds like default behaviour in response to a relationship vacuum.

You don't sound as if you are committed to the whole family at all.This actually reminds me of foster parents I saw who found themselves trying to protect their child from the foster children. Once you begin to see things like this, it's the beginning of the end in my opinion.

Don't under-estimate how annoying little girls can be, especially if you're not related to them. I can remember my brothers feeling virtually nauseated with boredom and annoyance when we had little girls to stay. Being inclusive is very difficult - as you're finding out. Don't expect children to do something whole-heartedly that you are not doing yourself.

Feather- Of course I don't mind them playing with her toys, I just think it's rude that they play with her toys next to her and ignore her when she tries to become involved.

I have done nothing but try and blend as a family, to say I'm not committed because I want to protect my daughters feelings is ridiculous. They are brilliant kids and I have a great relationship with all of them, I just think it's got to the stage where me and my dp have different rules and parenting styles.

In my own home, with my own children I would not allow films on a laptop during the day, but it seems that this isn't down to me- when I've discussed it with my dp he doesn't see what the problem is as with a lot of other issues such as splitting up at the park etc.

He will say he just "let them get on with it" at his mums and I think he tries to do the same here, although I'm more of a planner and like to have activities running at the weekends. Not sit around watching them all on laptops/iPads etc.

I think I will talk to dp and see where he sees this heading, I agree that if they had their own bedrooms etc things would be much easier, maybe until we are able to move staying here isn't the best for anyone.

Feather, are you reading the same thread as everyone else? The OP is trying to get the SC to include her daughter, yet you are suggesting she is pushing them out. She wants inclusivity; you suggest she's not committed to the family. Are you bringing your own experiences to this?

Jesus Christ 3little, horrible? Really? Fucking hell.

I have never been in your situation Purple, but I so empathise anyway! My DH and I got together (many years ago) when all of our DC were late teens, and after a long time of trying to plan things together, take them all to dinner, have them all at our house and so on....I gave up, it just never worked, even though I really tried! There was always a slight trace of your kids, my kids Plus they are very different people, and even more PLUS one of his DC always felt she must come first! They all see each other very occasionally, exchange cards etc, but that's it! It was too wearing to try to blend the family so now we just don't!
I appreciate its different for you as the DC are young, but it probably won't change much and, at her young age, I'd be putting your child first...let them go every other visit to Gradma's, do it with a good grace and see how it goes!

Thanks Imperial, I am by no means trying to push them out and really have been trying to make this family work!

They're not generally mean children, I have a lovely relationship with them all and as I say my daughter dotes on them.

I just can't stand ignorance and them being so rude to her, whether it's deliberate or not I feel my dp should talk to them about it and that will be my next step, before agreeing to his suggestion that he goes back to his mums at weekends.

I cant see how they are being horrible. Rude yes, horrible no. How are they horrible children 3cheeky?

They ignore her.
They don't acknowledge she's even there.
They look right through her.
They exclude her from activities.

All those things are horrible.

3cheeky detests her own DSD so it's unsuprising she thinks yours are horrible OP! I'd be loathe to take advice from her if you want them to feel wanted and loved

Purple, does your DP not see this behaviour from his children?

How would he feel if they behaved that way to another child, say his neice/nephew or a friend's child? Would he say something?

I suspect half the issue is that you view these kids as considerably older and more mature in their thinking than they actually are. And that's understandable - when you have a 3 year old, 6 year olds seem really big and mature, 12 year olds seem practically grown up!

Except when your own child reaches the ripe old age of 6, you realise just how little 6 actually is! Honestly they will not have any comprehension of the reality of your dh being at work all week, and not with your child.

Having said that can you think of something your dd and the 6 year olds could do together, while your dh does something with the bigger two? Divide and conquer often works.

You seem to have a good relationship with your SC, OP. Why don't you sit them down and talk to them about it when your daughter's not there? It does seem strange they have a good relationship with you and not with your daughter - do you think they're jealous that she spends all her time with their dad?

It sounds like they are used to being a unit of three siblings. Who may not have experience of playing with a three year old.
When my dd came along my niece was not very nice at all. She tended to just not acknowledge her because she just didn't know how to play with her. When dd hit about four my niece started playing with her, they was more on an equal wavelength by then.
In this situation the children could also be resentful of the dd because she gets to live with dsc dad and they don't.
I've seen plenty have times the impact that has on children's mental health.
So quick to rush into the step children are horrible, yes they are being rude. Yes something needs to be done about it, but to just write them of as horrible children is fucking stupid.

MeridianB I haven't really seen my dsc around other children other than my dd and my friends children, he is very laid back with them, and will pick them up on other things that seem so insignificant compared to being rude, no manners etc. He sees this as normal child behaviour and says they "probably have enough at home" as they have quite a few other siblings there.

There is a difference IMO between the older kids being expected to include your dd and being polite to her or at the very least acknowledging her.

There is quite a gap between six and three, and tbh I wouldn't necessarily be expecting a six year old to be including a three year old in his activities. Similarly there is a gap between ten and six, and I am certain there will be times when the now ten year old won't want the six year old included in what he does. When he's fourteen and the six yo is ten you can bet he won't be wanting his little brother to be part of whatever he's doing with his mates, and even less so your dd who will then be seven.

However I would expect children to at least not be rude, and that may not actually be intentional on their part.

But could you perhaps address the rudeness/ignorance rather than your wish to include your dd? So instead of talking to your dp about his kids including yours, talk to him about whether they at the very least can just at least acknowledge her even if it is to tell her they're playing x game and no, she can't join in at this stage.

Something like a dvd I would just have playing on the tv so everyone can see. it doesn't need to be a big deal just make the point that not everyone can crowd round the laptop and therefore the tv is the option given.

They could possibly be jealous Imperial, I have tried so hard to include everyone though and make sure weekends aren't boring and we go out as a family quite often. I do feel this all falls on me though as my dp would rather sit and watch films all weekend leaving the children to it.

titchy my daughter and the 6 year old share the same interests, my little pony, princesses, Barbie dolls etc they will often play nicely together until dsd is distracted by her older siblings and what they are doing. It might be an idea to let dp take the older two somewhere whilst I try and build up on the younger two's relationship, this is something I would consider.

the thing is that your definition of family may differ from theirs. To you they are your dsc and your dd is your dp's dsd. but that doesn't necessarily make them step siblings in their own eyes iyswim.

I wouldn't try to hard to always be planning activities for all of you. generally real life just isn't like that, and the dsc need to be integrated into normal daily life when they're there, and if that includes bickering with each other and even with your own dd then that is more of a representation of "family" life, iyswim.

Maybe you need to separate your DD's toys and family toys so that they have some they can play with without having to ask her. You can then make it clear that you expect them to treat her with respect, ask before playing with things that belong to her and not constantly exclude her while doing so.

At the moment, they have no incentive to be nice to her. They can help themselves to her things while refusing to speak to her or allow her access to anything of theirs. TBF, why would they bother being polite or considerate? It doesn't get them anything, including approval from their father.

If you and your DP have a child, will it be OK for your DD to treat him or her in a similar way? She is currently being taught that it is perfectly acceptable behaviour.

Sorry, haven't RTFT, not all of it anyway.

My inclination would be to talk to the older children (out of earshot of your DD) and say that you really do appreciate that 3 year olds can be a bit full-on and annoying, but please don't forget to be kind to her. If, after kindly explaining that they are busy doing other things, she keeps bugging them to play, say if they discretely let you know, you will distract her. Unkindness is most definitely not acceptable but, I do have some sympathy with them as being asked to play over-and-over-and-over-and-over again by a small child can be very trying. And that's just as a parent!

You could also suggest that they might get a little more peace and quiet if they found a little time, just 15 minutes or so, each day to play one-on-one with her.

Finally, make sure that you and DH are modelling the same behaviour that you want from the DSC when DD is trying to get your attention. They might have seen you ignore her whilst on the phone for example, so making a point of smiling and saying "I'm talking to Daddy/on the phone right now DD, can you play by yourself for a while" rather than doing what we have all be guilty of at some point and and just walking to a different room or talking over her.

Good luck