Daughter never included...

[Purplerain067]

I was going to post in AIBU but thought I might get better advice here.
I live with my dd (3) and partner in my very small appartment. He has three dc.
On weekends they come here to see their Dad.
Am I being unreasonable to believe that it is my daughters home and for them to play with her toys and sleep in her room they should at least respond to her when she talks to them?
They ignore her over and over, all I here is "(child's name) will you play with me please" repeated 10x. My daughter is the youngest and I admit that she does get excited when they're here and is likely to be a bit annoying in their eyes but it breaks my heart to hear her wanting to play and for them to look straight through her at the TV.

They will exclude her from other activities also, when we play outside with a football they will play games she doesn't understand, they will watch films too old for her etc, I really feel she is singled out in her own home.

I felt so sad for my daughter today I took her away from the situation and spent some quality time alone with her. Shes only 3 and doesn't understand why no one would want to play

Am I over reacting?

It is normal for older siblings to want to ignore a little sister who wants to play or is talking to them over the TV.

It is also normal and reasonable for their parents to pick them up on their rudeness and lack of respect for their sibling's feelings and teach them a more appropriate way to respond.

It isn't normal for three children in one household to be allowed to ostracise another clearly and consistently, whether they are blood relatives or not.

These children are going to have to grow spending regular time in close proximity to one another. The adults caring for them need to actively teach them how to communicate and negotiate with each other. If they don't, the teenage years will be horrific.

titchy my daughter and the 6 year old share the same interests, my little pony, princesses, Barbie dolls etc they will often play nicely together until dsd is distracted by her older siblings and what they are doing.
So she does play with her? I have to say, it sounds like the issue might be that your DD wants too much attention from them. It is normal for a 3yo but indeed, it can be extremely annoying for older siblings. It sounds like the 6yo is prepared to play with her....some times, just not all the time.

It's all about finding the right balance between doing things as a family, dad doing things with his children only, them doing things with your dd, and them doing things on their own. As much as they should make an effort occasionally to entertain your dd, your dd needs to learn that they have different interests and like to do different things from her and she needs to leave them alone at times.

Personally, I found my half-sister who was only 4 years earlier than me very annoying. Whereas I was an independent child who enjoyed my own company, as soon as I arrived, she wanted to spend all her time with me. It drove me crazy, and although we did play together, at times I had to tell her that I wanted to be left alone and it made her cry, but I think that's quite normal of siblings who live together too anyway.

so the p moved into your small apt an d his 3 cc visit him there. You want this to work but do not like your d being excluded . His response is to say he will spend the weekends with his cc at his m's house which means you will not have a p at weekends. He moved in to his m's house after his marriage broke up and then he moved into yours. Did he ever have a place of his own? His answer to your d's distress is to go back to his m/s house and exclude you and your d . He is not trying to make this work as a partnership. He is making use of you. Your d will make friends at nursery school and you can do better than this user.

I am getting that impression of the DP too, amarmai. I think he's a user, too. OP, get rid of all of them - problem solved.

The other thing - I know kids can be troubled, particularly in this sort of situation. It's up to their dad to guide them, but he just wants to watch telly. I get the feeling this is the most they've ever seen of their dad and instead of his making the most of it, he's trying to avoid having much to do with them.

It sounds like too small a space to squeeze four kids into. Your dp making other arrangements until you can both sort out a larger home probably would be a good idea.
You could still meet up for family outings all together, and you could have them all over for lunch then go for a walk, so you're all spending quality time together rather than sharing/competing for very limited space and resources?

Another thought, you may have slightly unrealistic expectations of his DC. Their attitude toward your dd sounds exactly like my dd1's toward my dd3 when she was 3; ie, she was barely tolerated. So your dd may actually be getting a good idea what it's like to have older siblings (albeit in a tiny cramped space).. They will probably appreciate her company more in a year or two when she can understand their games.

I actually feel sorry for the step kids, they probably just want a break. They are cramped at their mum's with 7 kids and then they go to yours where they are cramped and you are trying to constantly "set up activities" and expect them to play with your dd. I am not a big fan of screens at all, but have no objection to watching a movie at the weekend; what is wrong with that? Let them wind down after what is probably a busy week.

I had a child after a 4 year gap and the others view her as a pain in the neck. I have to constantly remind them to be nice to her; but as a PP said I would not expect them to play with her every time she requests it.

You seem very invested in blending the two families whereas your partner does not. Time for a serious talk with him; the kids are just a side issue.

When does your own DD see her own dad?

I honestly don't know why you're bothering OP. It does sound like far too much hassle than it's worth!
Maybe because they love each other? Maybe because as she says, she actually likes her sc? It's naturally as a mother to feel your heart breaking when your child is rejected, but that's normal life. Most older kids don't enjoy playing with younger ones and often just do it if they have no-one their age to do it with. I think OP expects too much of her sc on the account of seeing her child sad.

There is a lot of compromise to be considered in this situation though and don't understand the 'it's not worth it get out of it' response.

I think siblings telling each other to go away and let them play in peace is one thing but a) these are not siblings and b) they're not even talking to her!

I agree about the space. OP, it's not your job to provide enough space for everyone. You had a home with just your daughter and now four more people have to be accommodated, three of whom ignore your child and the fourth who doesn't try to do something about that.

Imperial Are you saying that these children should be treating the OP's D better than siblings would because 'they are not siblings'? Because that would be very unfair, given that this is a family set-up.

You have a brilliant relationship with them. You want to blend the two families.

So, can't you just have a chat with them? Can you not tell them how hurtful it is to dd who adores them and talks about them all the time? Involve them with it. If you were all living together you'd have to do it, forget the "oh they're dp's responsibility, not mine", of course you have some responsibility, they're in your home, using your things, being looked after by you.

I'm saying that between siblings there will be a relaxed code of conduct and that this doesn't exist here because they don't acknowledge the daughter is even there.

It's common for siblings to fight, but there'd be a problem if they fought someone else.

It's not a matter of behaving better, it's behaving differently. The OP's daughter is not part of the DP's family; she's not treated as such in any way by the other children.

I think OP expects too much of her sc on the account of seeing her child sad

Me too! And the impression that I get is that the OP's SC do acknowledge and play with her DD sometimes but sometimes they don't. They shouldn't have to play with her constantly and the OP shouldn't be tolerating her DD crying every time she doesn't get her own way.

But I think it's entirely normal for older siblings to ignore younger siblings Imperial

But I think it's entirely normal for older siblings to ignore younger siblings

I don't think it's normal for the culture within a family group to support the consistent ostracism of one child to the point where none of the other children is ever expected to answer a question asked by this child or allow the child to join in activities like watching a film together.

One would expect older children to dismiss or ignore younger siblings some of the time and one would also expect their parents to intervene when one child is consistently singled out and explain that all members of the family should be treated with a certain basic level of respect.

But when the Op's DD asks one of the SDC to play with her and they've said, "not now, I want to read my book", is the DD then allowed to keep asking and asking and asking in that way that 3 year olds often do? Because that would be rude too and yes it's normal for 3 year olds to do that but the OP needs to be telling her not to.

But when the Op's DD asks one of the SDC to play with her and they've said, "not now, I want to read my book", is the DD then allowed to keep asking and asking and asking in that way that 3 year olds often do?

Sorry. Can you point me to the bit where the OP says that is happening please?

They ignore her over and over, all I here is "(child's name) will you play with me please"

To ignore her over and over she must be asking them over and over