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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Daughter never included...

121 replies

Purplerain067 · 13/09/2015 19:04

I was going to post in AIBU but thought I might get better advice here.
I live with my dd (3) and partner in my very small appartment. He has three dc.
On weekends they come here to see their Dad.
Am I being unreasonable to believe that it is my daughters home and for them to play with her toys and sleep in her room they should at least respond to her when she talks to them?
They ignore her over and over, all I here is "(child's name) will you play with me please" repeated 10x. My daughter is the youngest and I admit that she does get excited when they're here and is likely to be a bit annoying in their eyes but it breaks my heart to hear her wanting to play and for them to look straight through her at the TV.

They will exclude her from other activities also, when we play outside with a football they will play games she doesn't understand, they will watch films too old for her etc, I really feel she is singled out in her own home.

I felt so sad for my daughter today I took her away from the situation and spent some quality time alone with her. Shes only 3 and doesn't understand why no one would want to play

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

riverboat1 · 13/09/2015 19:33

I definitely think at the very least they should be polite to her and not ignore her. If she asks them a question and they act as if she hasn't spoken, for me that is something they should be picked up on and explained isn't acceptable.

OTOH, if it's a small apartment and as you say, they come to see their dad, I can understand why they just want to get on with seeing him and playing the games they like to play and watching the films they like to watch. Especially if there's a significant age gap.

Is she their half sibling? If so I think it really it needs to come from their dad, encouragement to bond with her and for him to find ways they can interact and have fun together.

But also they need to be allowed to have time on their own with their dad, and not be pestered ALL day by a 3 year old who doesn't like the same kinds of games they want to play.

Patchworkpatty · 13/09/2015 19:34

How old are his dcs?

scatterthenuns · 13/09/2015 19:35

How old are they?

tribpot · 13/09/2015 19:39

Is your DP the father of your DD? The implication is that he is not.

How blended is this family, really? And how old are his DC?

Your place doesn't sound appropriate for him to host his three children - particularly not if he's not prepared to make it enjoyable for the child who lives in the house.

Devilishpyjamas · 13/09/2015 19:48

How old are they? Some older kids are brilliant with younger ones (my ds2 is like this), some not so much (my ds3).

It sounds rather cramped. I would look at spending one on one time with her quite a bit.

But depends on age gap...

Original poster

Purplerain067 · 13/09/2015 20:40

Thank you all for your replies. His children are 6,7 and 10. His 6 year old is happy to play next to her, with the same toys- just doesn't acknowledge her at all. Also my dp isn't my daughters Dad.

It's gotten to the point that I have planned in advance things to do alone with my DD on weekends whilst they are here. I know the space thing isn't ideal but it's something we're working on and hope to be in a bigger house soon.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 13/09/2015 20:47

They probably just want to see their dad. It's honestly exhausting having to go between two homes, live with two sets of rules and share their parents with step siblings. They are also not really going to have much in common due to their ages.

Littlefish · 13/09/2015 20:51

How long have you been living with you Dp?

Goldmandra · 13/09/2015 20:53

You do children no favours by allowing them to be rude, however they feel about the people around them.

I would start modelling responses for them and insisting that they acknowledge and respond to her, even if that's only to tell her they don't want to play with her.

Original poster

Purplerain067 · 13/09/2015 20:53

We have lived together for almost a year now.
I do understand that they want to spend time with their Dad but do they really have to be so ignorant?

OP posts:

Original poster

Purplerain067 · 13/09/2015 20:56

I plan days out that everyone can get involved in, they all love creative activities so I will do arts and crafts etc and still there's such a divide.
I wouldn't let my daughter ignore or be rude to them, I just feel that this isn't ok.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 13/09/2015 20:57

This is difficult - I think more information would be helpful.

As pp asked, how long have you been living with your partner?

How long has he been separated from his DC's mother?

Did your relationship play a part in the break up? (just wondering if there could be some influence from their mother in their attitude to your dd).

I wonder why you and your dd have to leave your home so that your partner can have contact with his DC? Is there some reason why he can't take his DC out?

MythicalKings · 13/09/2015 20:58

They're only children. It's your DP you need to speak to and ask him to encourage his DCs to include your DD. It's her home and she should be included.

Goldmandra · 13/09/2015 21:04

It's your DP you need to speak to and ask him to encourage his DCs to include your DD.

He certainly should be expecting them you treat her with a degree of civility.

Whatever the circumstances of the split, etc, a basic level of respect and civility is necessary between people sharing a home.

Original poster

Purplerain067 · 13/09/2015 22:22

3littlefrogs-
We have lived together for a year, he's been split up from their mother for 5 years and I was nothing to do with the breakup, she left him for another man- who she is still with and has further children with.

I think my dp thinks I'm over reacting, he will not say anything to them or my daughter, she gets upset if she is ignored for a while and will come to me crying. This is when I intervene and take my daughter from the situation, I will explain that the children are busy doing (whatever they are doing) and maybe set up a different activity for her, play with her myself or go out for a while.

OP posts:

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 13/09/2015 22:33

From their pov their dad lives with your DD, not with them, and he's not even her Dad. No excuse for them to be rude, but I can see why they might resent her. Also they might just not be as tuned in to her. My ds1 (9) accidentally ignores ds2 (2) loads, because he's busy doing his own thing.

featherandblack · 13/09/2015 23:26

Where was he seeing his children before moving in with you? I think it sounds a bit hard on everyone - the children are having to spend access in someone else's cramped (for them) home, you don't seem to have a clear role with the other children or be clear about what you're aiming for as a family, you don't mention the children's dad and no one else can make a difference but him. If you want the family to pull together you must give it a focus, not get frustrated with children who have no obligation to be 'kind' all weekend to a younger child. From their point of view, she is probably spoilt (because she goes running to you and she gets to live with their dad) and annoying (because younger girls are). I'd almost be wondering if it's the right time for you all to be living together like this. No one seems to have a game plan for where the dynamics of this are going. But you can't blame the kids, no.

Saltedcaramel4 · 13/09/2015 23:32

It's unfair to expect all the children's activities (TV, games) to revolve around what your DD can understand. It's appropriate for them to do older things but also be kind and inclusive where possible. For example when role playing your DD could be given the role of dog/cat.

Saltedcaramel4 · 13/09/2015 23:38

There is a HUGE mental gap between a 3 year old & 6/10 year old.

It's find to insist they respond to her questions as long as she's not interrupting their discussion. With telly, the kids are probably just zoned out and not intentionally rude. You can always freeze/silence the TV to enable them to hear her question better. Can be done nicely/politely.

anklebitersmum · 14/09/2015 04:01

I agree that there's an age gap but rude is not tolerated in our house.

TV watching does present a problem as regards age-related interest. Disney type movies and popcorn are often a nice middle ground.

When they're playing together there has to be some acknowledgement of your daughter, especially when it's with her toys. There is absolutely no reason why 6,7, 10 and 3 can't play as a group.

Mine, taking my youngest biter as being 3, would have been 5,6 and 13 respectively and they played nicely all together with the expected minor squabble or two.

Manners and treating people how you would be treated are non negotiable. Get Dad involved and have this rude behaviour dealt with-it'll only get worse.

wotoodoo · 14/09/2015 04:30

What activities does your partner plan for all the dc or is it just you op?

Tbh this is your home and your daughter's home and I would be putting my own dd's interests first especially as your partner and his dc do not seem to care!

If their dad is not bothered about integration then there is not much you can do. They all sound rude and intolerant and I would not put up with it.

My house my rules! It will only get worse and do not put up with it, imagine what they'll be like to her behind your back!

It's about time you put your dd's needs and feelings first op as you are her mother and that is your first duty isn't it?

Wdigin2this · 14/09/2015 08:33

Yes, I can understand the points a) they may resent her because she gets to live with their dad, and b) the age difference, but even so I couldn't tolerate my child being upset like that! Where did he host them before he moved in with you, and why can't he take them out at least for part of the weekend? Red flags are flying here, and you'd be unwise to ignore them!

MeridianB · 14/09/2015 09:18

"....not get frustrated with children who have no obligation to be 'kind' all weekend to a younger child."

I disagree with this. The OP would like them to be civil or polite. That's not too much to ask from any child. Their father should be ensuring this happens. It's a basic part of life.

I agree with the posts from wotoodo and Widgin.

Original poster

Purplerain067 · 14/09/2015 10:05

I really disagree with those who are making excuses and who feel his children have "no obligation to be kind", this is my daughters home filled with her belongings which they are all more than happy to play with etc. They spend the whole weekend with their dad who is at work every day during the week. When we go out for example to the park, he will play football with them and I'll help my daughter up the steps for the slide. If they watch a film three backs are crowded around the eldest' laptop, and there's "no room" for my daughter.

Before we moved in together my dp had his children at his Mums. Dp has suggested he takes them their at weekends from now on, I feel if he does this the chances of blending as a family are low. Although I think this is probably the only possible outcome ATM. My dd talks about them all the time and considers them family, she is 4 next month and will be starting nursery school next week also- I just hope the children there are on her wave length and she enjoys it so isn't too fussed about seeing dp's children at weekends, if that makes any sense?

OP posts:

tribpot · 14/09/2015 10:20

I think until you've moved into a bigger place it would be kinder if he did take his kids to his mum's, Purplerain067. However, I would be concerned that he isn't more interested in trying to integrate the two families - when my mum and step-dad married my brother was 5 and I was 7, my step sibs ranged from 8 to 12. We all played together - the 12 year old less so I think (although it was in the age before DVDs so I guess having to watch whatever was on telly was a bit more usual, e.g. Swap Shop). I don't think it really occurred to us that we weren't one family, whereas your dp doesn't really seem to see your dd as his responsibility at all.

If he's not willing to address this, I would wonder how he sees the relationship and its future.

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