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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Holidays dss says he won't come

45 replies

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 07:26

We don't live together as a blended family, but we have 3 boys between us. We have been on several holidays together camping, hotels and recently we bought a caravan. All the holidays have been fine, esp the last one in the summer, where dss had a great time.the boys are 10,11,11.
We have booked to go again in October for 5 days, but dss has said to his mum he s not going as he doesn't like us. His mum has relayed that info to my partner, and made the boy ring his dad to tell him the same.
Ex w is now saying my partner has to look after his boy as she's at work. He says he had made provision to do so by booking a holiday . But dss won't come. Should we still go ? My partner thinks of he gives in this time, he'll never come again

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 01/09/2015 07:28

Of course you must go. If DSS's DM supports his refusal then she'll have to make arrangements for childcare.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 01/09/2015 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 07:31

My son didn't want to go with his dad this summer - he is 14. (Fortunately we came to a compromise) so I can understand the mum supporting the child in expressing himself. However, her insisting that your dh takes care of him anyway is outrageous- really! He either comes with or stays with his mum, surely? He doesn't get to decide everyone's holiday...

Blu · 01/09/2015 07:32

Is Dss missing time alone with his Dad? Feel jealous that his step brothers spend more time?

I am not a step parent, and my DS does not have a step parent, but I would say 'we're spending this week at that place and that's that' . But I would make sure he has time just with his Dad and make sure he gets a fair go at choosing activities / food etc.

Fabellini · 01/09/2015 07:35

But if she is supporting him in his "dislike" of you, then by that logic she shouldn't be insisting he comes to you as her childcare anyway!

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 07:36

I just don't understand why . The last holiday was amazing, he said it was the best one ever, and now he says he doesn't like us. It's one of the reasons we can't buy a place together as I think he'd just say he wasn't ever coming to stay. He's an only one and I can only think he doesn't like sharing his dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 07:40

He gets plenty of 1:1 time with his dad, as when he is with his dad for weekends or overnights in the week, I leave them to it.

OP posts:

Keeptrudging · 01/09/2015 07:42

Yes, go on your holiday. Been in the same situation lately, but because their mum made them feel bad about 'leaving her'. It's clear to him that you want him to be there, but you shouldn't all miss out on a holiday because he's being what sounds like 'awkward for the sake of it'. He may come round when he realises you're going anyway.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 07:53

Thanks, we are still going to go, but I know my partner feels bad. But we can't let an 11 year old dictate what we do can we?

OP posts:

PenelopePitstops · 01/09/2015 07:54

You can't let an 11yo rule you. If your own ds said no holiday, what would your response be?

SouthAmericanCuisine · 01/09/2015 07:57

If the arrangement between your DP and his ex is to co-parent the DCs, then it is unreasonable for her to try and influence/prohibit how your DP chooses to do that. Either she trusts him to make responsible decisions in the DCs best interests, or she doesn't.

If his ex is no longer happy with the co parenting arrangement because she no longer believes your DP is putting their DSs needs first, then they need to agree a contact schedule that doesn't include your DP being primary parent for any length of time. If they are unable to agree, then they'll have to call on the services of mediation and family court.

It sounds to me like your DPs ex has forgotten that your DP is an equal parent. If she wants to influence how her DS spends his time when not with her, then she needs to pay for childcare.

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 08:00

Yes, poor dp. I'd suggest he has really good wkends up til the holiday time - don't go on about it sort of thing- then nearer the time- say 'I'd love you to come- can you tell me how you're feeling' kind of thing.
The kid may change his mind.

DoreenLethal · 01/09/2015 08:01

Ex w is now saying my partner has to look after his boy as she's at work.

Response 'yes no problem'.

Then collect child and take them on the holiday.

SoupDragon · 01/09/2015 08:03

This is for your partner to sort out.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 08:05

If it were mine I'd say u don't get a choice , this Is what we are doing.

OP posts:

SouthAmericanCuisine · 01/09/2015 08:05

The last holiday was amazing, he said it was the best one ever, and now he says he doesn't like us.

This isn't as contradictory as it sounds.

Your DPs DS is old enough to experience conflicting loyalties - having had loads of fun on holiday with you and his dad, he may well be experiencing feelings of guilt for "moving on" and being disloyal to his "nuclear family" memories or even just fantasies he has about his parents getting back together. Enjoying time with his dad's "new" family is a reminder to him that his nuclear family is no more.

For him, the easiest way to deal with this may be to refuse to spend time with his dad's family - that way, there's no risk that he will "have fun".

It's not an unusual phenomenon; some DCs cope better than others, but the important thing is that he is given permission to enjoy life with both of his new families.

If his mum, wider family members or even friends/teachers inadvertently reinforce his conflicted feelings, then he will be less able to move on.

MythicalKings · 01/09/2015 08:05

This is for your partner to sort out.

I hate it when people say that.

Of course it isn't if it impacts on OP. She has a right to a voice and an opinion on the matter and it's fine for her to post here for opinions.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 08:09

He has had a week abroad with just his dad this year so it's not like we push ourselves on them.

OP posts:

SouthAmericanCuisine · 01/09/2015 08:10

mythical. I think the expectation that stepparents have no involvement in issues like this is a very accurate representation of what "society" expects a stepmother to be.

According to some, The OP should welcome, fund and care for her stepson on family holidays, while at the same time having no voice when it comes to his presence.

SoupDragon · 01/09/2015 08:11

I hate it when people say that.

I couldn't give a shit. It is true - this is for her partner to sort out with his child and the mother.

SoupDragon · 01/09/2015 08:12

it's fine for her to post here for opinions.

And my opinion is that her partner needs to sort it out with his son.

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 08:14

Op, I'm sure you and your kids are lovely. This is probably a kid confused or trying to assert himself or feeling guilty about his mum as pp said.

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 08:16

Well yeah the partner does, but much of mumsnet has women worrying about their partners and kids, parents and friends. Presumably you tell the same thing to all of them.

juneau · 01/09/2015 08:16

If it were mine I'd say u don't get a choice, this is what we are doing.

Right, well there's your answer.

So many of the dilemmas on the step-parenting topic come down to the same thing which is that step-parents either treat their SC with kid gloves and then resent that they rule everyone's life, or they treat them more harshly than they treat their own DC. Just treat SC the same as you'd treat your own DC. The same rules should apply, no exceptions. That way its fair and no one can complain that others are getting special or harsher treatment. Often step-parents are advised on MN to bend over backwards to accommodate SC and their every whim, but as someone who is a SC I would say just treat everyone the same. This boy is 11, if you let him make the rules now you will create a monster, both as a teenager and as an adult. He has to learn to fit in and not be a spoilt brat and doing that will do everyone (inc. him) a massive favour.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 01/09/2015 08:17

soup taking out of the equation for a moment the OPs own feelings, who (if anyone) is responsible for considering the best interests of the other DCs in this situation?

If, as you say, the OP should stay out of it, then is it reasonable for the OPs DP to consider the impact on the OPs DCs?

there are, after all, lots of considerations - the inconsiencies, the disappointments, the inevitable affection/love that will develop between the DCs.

Is it reasonable to expect the OPs DP to consider that when he is negotiating with his ex, or is it the OPs job to put her DCs case forward?

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