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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holidays dss says he won't come

45 replies

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 07:26

We don't live together as a blended family, but we have 3 boys between us. We have been on several holidays together camping, hotels and recently we bought a caravan. All the holidays have been fine, esp the last one in the summer, where dss had a great time.the boys are 10,11,11.
We have booked to go again in October for 5 days, but dss has said to his mum he s not going as he doesn't like us. His mum has relayed that info to my partner, and made the boy ring his dad to tell him the same.
Ex w is now saying my partner has to look after his boy as she's at work. He says he had made provision to do so by booking a holiday . But dss won't come. Should we still go ? My partner thinks of he gives in this time, he'll never come again

OP posts:

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 08:18

Yes I'm not interfering , I have let my partner decide what to do and agree he needs to sort it with them. I was just wanting to know if we had done the best thing or if we should not go at all, or me and my boys only , or him and his boy only

OP posts:

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 08:23

The problem is that the mother has said the dp must still look after the kid, right?
This is a problem...

Aqualady · 01/09/2015 08:24

soup I don't know why it's pissing you off so much ? Many many SP post asking for advice or some one to talk it through with. Posters are allowed to do that you know..with it being the step patenting board and all that...

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 08:26

Yes. We had booked it to cover the days exw works , therefore covering her childcare

OP posts:

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 08:29

Does she have a history of being...awkward?

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 08:37

Yes .

OP posts:

YonicScrewdriver · 01/09/2015 08:42

Maybe I'm reading this wrong? The fact that the boy's mother has made him tell his father his wishes doesn't mean she's "supporting" the enactment of those wishes, just the expression?

"We are going away that week and DSS is coming with us, no other 11 year old gets a choice of holiday so neither does he."

IguanaTail · 01/09/2015 08:47

Once she knows that the option is either her son goes on the holiday, or she takes a week off to look after him, watch how quickly she starts persuading him how much fun the camping will be.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 01/09/2015 08:55

yonic the boy's mother is supporting him by expecting the OPs DP to change the way in which he parents in order to accommodate the boys wishes.

Aqualady · 01/09/2015 09:00

Just go op regardless if your dp comes or not. However - your dp should speak to both his ds and his ex and ask him why he doesn't now like you all and what's happened and that you all have to work together as this is how life is now - you are all one big family that love and care about each other. If they are both adamant his is not going then she can find child care.

MeridianB · 01/09/2015 09:29

We had a bit of this one summer and we tried really hard to get to the bottom of it but never did. In the end it was a bit like sitting in a traffic jam on the motorway and when you suddenly start moving again there is no sign of anything that caused the jam - all a bit of a mystery.

DSD came on the holiday and had a great time. The only difference it made was that I had an initial panic when she looked bored but then reminded myself that these times were few and didn't last long and I was just over-worrying because she'd made a fuss about not wanting to come.

Agree with other posters that you should stick to you plans and go with him. Maybe not even mention it again until the week before.

And assuming there are no underlying problems, his Mum should not be enabling the 'don't want' line so it's worth your DP having a chat with her.

TendonQueen · 01/09/2015 09:34

Agree that if his mum doesn't want him to go, she will have to make her own arrangements for that week. One child can't effectively scupper a whole family holiday. It's not fair to the others.

wannaBe · 01/09/2015 09:44

The key here is what it is the ds is saying as to how it should be dealt with.

If he is saying that he just doesn't want to go on holiday then the reasons do need to be explored but ultimately the answer is that you are going on holiday, and as he is with you that is what will be happening.

If he is saying that he doesn't like you then as hard as it is, he is entitled to those feelings. Just because his dad chose you doesn't mean he did. That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, but his life changed without his control, and while there may be guilt there may also be a sense of wanting stability in one place.

The mum needs to work with the dp though both to support his relationship with his ds but she also needs to be able to reassure the ds that his feelings are being heard while at the same time not encouraging them iyswim.

And the dp needs to listen to what his ds is saying and not dismiss his feelings because they're not what he wants to hear.

thehypocritesoaf · 01/09/2015 09:49

No I think the key here is a mother who is saying you must have him but you can't take him on holiday.
Ludicrous.

swingofthings · 01/09/2015 10:41

Of course he will have to go whether he likes or not however if I was his dad I wouldn't feel at ease doing so until I knew exactly why he would unexpectedly say he didn't want to go.

My gut feeling would be that something happened that he isn't disclosing. I think nothing should be mentioned about the coming holiday but dad should spend more one to one time with his son to get him to open up about the reason for his not wanting to go. There has to be one.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 11:43

I think some of it is loyalty to his mum , and some of it is he wants to spend Halloween with his friends

OP posts:

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 01/09/2015 17:20

Thanks for your responses everyone.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/09/2015 12:25

juneau I couldn't agree more. However, a lot of SMs like me and OP get a lot of flack for even reminding everyone else that we are part of the family - let alone be able to treat kids the same. I think OP and her DP should decide together not to let the 11 year old dictate things - as he will not understand just how much it affects everybody negatively - especially as his mother is not helping at all by saying that he doesn't have to. It's nothing to do with his mother - it's OPs and DPs decision.

wannaBe · 02/09/2015 12:36

the mother doesn't get to call the shots in the father's house. tbh I don't even know why this is a dilemma.

If the child was saying he didn't want to go on holiday with them but wanted to stay with his mum instead then it would be understandable that the dp here was in some turmoil about the fact that his ds doesn't want to go on holiday or spend time with him. But the way I see it, the son is saying he doesn't want to go on holiday, and the mum is saying that because he doesn't want to go they should cancel the holiday because he says so.

Why is anyone even entertaining this conversation?

My twelve YO stalled about going on holiday with his dad this year. conversations etc insued, but for him it was a case of not wanting to go at all and wanting to stay here with me. He went in the end, but had it been a real issue then we would have had discussions and it might have resulted in ds staying here. But that is far different from a mother who says that the ds is going to the dad's and then dictating what the dad does when the ds is there.

juneau · 03/09/2015 10:11

I know bananas. I think those people who are so critical of SMs must not be part of step-families themselves. Only someone who has lived in one (or two - as you often do as a child), can fully appreciate that each set of parents must make the rules in their house. That means DDad and SM in one house, DM and SD in the other. The DC cannot be allowed to make the rules in either house. Their wishes should be considered - yes - but ultimately its the parents (inc. the SPs), who get the make those rules and they should be applied fairly and to all DC, regardless of who is related to whom.

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