Sick of the whole kit and kaboodle that goes with being a SP now, love my partner but I'm so miserable

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

DPs DD is 6, I've known her since she was two years old. DP and I also have a DD who turned 2 recently.
DP has always over indulged DSD, she knows that she can behave badly when he's here and get away with it. If she has a tantrum he will kiss her and cuddle her instead of ignoring which reenforces her bad behaviour and over time she has become a real brat.

We've had her for the majority of the summer holidays so far but on a normal week we will have her Friday night through to Sunday afternoon. DP is at work so I'm doing most of the childcare for DSD and DD. I get no help around the house, if DP is here DSD will just throw empty wrappers on the floor, refuse to put her toys away etc but if it's inly me here she will do as asked.
She won't let anybody near DP, if DD goes up for a cuddle from him DSD will hit and kick and lash out until DD gets the message and backs off. She will sit and hump her dads leg, passionately kiss him etc and it really does make me feel queasy. She's very jealous although she gets a lot more attention from DP than DD ever does. He makes more of an effort to be around a bit more when DSD is here. If she isn't here hen he's usually at work before DD wakes up and doesn't arrived home until DD is in bed.

She is absolutely awful to DD, hitting, shoving, kicking just being generally very nasty. The thing I find really sad is that at two years old DD has already learnt that if DSD is here then she doesn't get attention off her daddy, she doesn't get a cuddle, kiss, hug anything. I've told him he needs to treat them both the same because they're going to end up really resenting each other and hes said he doesn't want to upset DSD by cuddling DD I front of her which I find really sad.
I love him but I'm sick of being taken for granted, I'm sick of the nastiness, the hitting, the ungratefulness, the disrespect and having to put up with the whinging. I have very little tolerance for her anymore.

Bloody hell. You poor thing. I'd be getting a referral to cahms ASAP - so many red flags it's difficult to know where to start but she sounds a very troubled little girl. The sexual behaviour is extremely concerning.

Wait lists can be lengthy. I'd get on to it straightaway. And I wouldn't leave your dd alone with her at all, I really wouldn't.

OP there's your issue! Her mother isn't bothered! NO wonder she is so insecure. With your partner moving out, then meeting you, new baby (no ones fault, any of it) and a mother not that interested no wonder she's the way she is. I remember once how pushed out I felt as a child with yet another sibling (there were many) so I can understand how she might feel especially if things have been said around her.

I think there are other things at play too. It wouldn't surprise me if the Ex, with her change in behaviour with your daughters birth has had an impact. I suspect jealousy (right word?) there on her part too even feeling put out because YOUR partner now has 2 children to split his love between. Exes are weird and difficult and the whole blended family thing is messy at times. Your step daughter will have undoubtedly picked up on it and who is to say what was said away from you both or even when you aren't around. Thats not an accusation at your partner but his reluctance to discipline tells me he probably doesn't always correct negative comments either.

Its clear the girl is insecure, feels abandoned and doesn't have strict boundaries. I'd seriously discuss it with your DP. Use some of your replies to arm yourself with. Tell him she needs the right help. The GP will be your first step.

Your routine is great but If your step daughter doesn't know where she is with her own mother, when am I going home? why haven't I spoken to my mum? etc will undoubtedly be playing on her mind. Not to mention the drastic change in parenting styles. It can be hard to handle.

Still, I wouldn't expect her mother to call every day. Maybe twice a week is reasonable to find out how things are going and talk to her own child.

Gah!

This makes me so mad because its so clear what she needs. Sadly you cannot fix it. The ex will probably tell you to fuck off. So your only hope is your partner.

the girl is screaming out for attention in all the wrong ways.

Poor DD kept waking up last night, probably because her head was hurting. DSD woke up too and tried pushing me out of bed and told me to go and sleep in DD's bed with her. How I didn't snap I will never know.

DP stepped up the the plate and told DSD that under no circumstances does she come into our bed and try and get me to sleep in the other room. Again we had a tantrum, sulking and sobbing but eventually they both got back to sleep.

I had a word with DP last night when he finally got in from work. I tried to explain that he is doing DSD no favours whatsoever by favouring her, giving her positive attention when she's displaying negative behaviour and I've told him that the whole "trying to replace me as a partner" scenario is NOT on. It's not healthy for her and it will lead to her becoming incredibly entitled, confused and difficult as she grows up.

He sat and listened to what I had to say which is a real first. I think he's realised, over the last couple of weeks, that her behaviour really is NOT acceptable. It's taking its toll on DD, DSD, DP and myself. I'm irritated with him because he is allowing this behaviour to continue.

We won't get any joy with the ex I'm afraid, she's imcredibly defensive when it comes to confrontation with regards to what she's been saying to DSD.

Well that's a start, mother.

It might be an idea, in the interests of joined up parenting, to have some kind of "code word" to alert your DP to the fact that he's slipping, favouring DSD or failing to correct her bad behaviours - if you ever watched that film "Meet the Fokkers", the code word Robert de Niro's wife used was "muskrat" and she used it to get him to wind his neck in. He'd have to agree to it - but it would be better than overtly telling him he needs to do things differently in the moment.

Well done Mother for tackling it head on, you know all the changes have to come from him but he isn't going to change unless you are totally upfront, he obviously feels his parenting is acceptable.

Brilliant idea thumbwitches thank you. DP also commented to me how DD's behaviour worsens when DSD is here. I told him it is probably because she sees DSD' bad behaviour getting her attention so copies. She is learning behaviour, she's like a sponge at this age and will pick everything up!

I've had no choice but to be blunt, he's been a lot more interactive with the kids this morning and so far, they've responded positively to it (he even did some washing up )

Hope it continues Mother altho expect a bit of sliding by all three as the day wears on!

Would he consider a parenting course? even though the idiot has your excellent example right in front of him

I haven't even suggested it tbh. I just think we would be back to square one if I did. I've managed to get most of the housework done this morning whilst he's occupied the kids, they're usually hanging off my arms whilst he's downstairs watching TV.

We haven't had the usual breakfast drama from DSD this morning, she has shaped up and eaten her breakfast which is probably a first. I hope this continues, I think my blood pressure has decreased dramatically.

But your stepd. is only 6, she's insecure, jealous of you, jealous of yr dd, and unsure of her dad. IIWM I'd let her sleep in the same bed as me or whatever, she NEEDS that security.

Well done OP. Your DP needs to understand that setting boundaries with DSD will not lead to her loving him less but will make her feel secure and safe.

And it's no wonder that DD acts up if she sees that bad behaviour is rewarded with attention.

You're doing the right thing but your DP needs to get on board for things to work. Good luck

Fabulous! The best way for him to realise that this new way is better is for positive results to occur, and be made much of. So have a little chat and say "did you see how well DSD behaved this morning? So much better after we changed the way we did things" - this makes several points:

1. you're working as a team to do things differently
2. you're praising his DSD's positive behaviour rather than commenting on her negatively
3. you're showing that you've noticed that he's doing things differently and giving him positive feedback on it.

Hopefully things will turn around very quickly if he can be made to realise that this is a far better way to deal with his DD.

ppeatfruit under these circumstances it would be totally inappropriate. Esp with the 6yos overt behaviour.

The op is setting boundaries which are essential for a child to feel secure. Her partner needs to reinforce those boundaries and give her security too.

Letting her share the bed is just going to exacerbate it and let the 6yo think she's in control kicking the op out of bed! Not on! I don't even let my own in my bed. It's my bed!

dsd sounds neglected at home if she is 6 and overweight with bad teeth and insecurities
Your partner sounds like a bad parent to both daughters.
He needs a good talking to before he messes up both daughters

Based on your report of your dsd trying to strangle your dd I think you are underestimating the seriousness of the problem. I know that might not sound helpful but we often minimize abusive behaviour happening under our own roofs. .....dsd's behaviour is well beyond normal. Time to get some form of professional help for your own daughter's sake? Maybe make sure the strangling incident is on record because if you and dp do split, your dsd and dd can NOT be together unsupervised.

ppeatfruit I don't agree. I think letting her sleep in the same bed as DP is doing more harm than good. She DOESNT need that. She needs boundaries and love not bed sharing.

Letting her into our bed will not solve any problems and will likely create more. What about DD? Do we have to let her sleep in our bed too?
thumbwitch yes, I've spoken to him about how well behaved she's been today and he agrees. Neither of them are angels but no children are.

OP you sound like a very good parent. You seem to have found yourself hitched up to a really horrible situation, not of your own making, in which your own child is at risk of harm in various ways.

Do you actually want to stay? No-one would blame you if you decided to take your DD away from this mess.

Wow what a woman! I would have insisted on living apart rather than tolerate your situation!

That child will be so much happier if she had appropriate boundaries in place.

Re the sexualised behaviour, I would think that has something to do with watching inappropriate TV after 7pm.

When does mum have DSD in term time?
My thinking is, would it be worth changing the access arrangements if her life at her mum's is less stable? So that she could spend more time at your home?

I was thinking about this thread. And wondered if there was/had been any sexual abuse or interference - anything like that would surely spark extreme misbehaving etc.

I would speak to someone knowledgeable, your GP at least, who can advise on how much of her behavior is normal 6 year old jealousy and how much is pointing to something more serious.

And also point out to your DH that he will be a prime suspect if anything comes to light. He needs to get this sorted. But if there was any abuse you will REALLY have your work cut out in the future as it is surely very psychologically damaging.

So could be worth covering all bases now.

Not suggesting your DH is an abuser at all, but he would be a suspect.

We've been out today for some dinner with friends, it started off well but DSD's mood began to deteriorate rapidly.

She left 3/4 of her dinner on her plate most of which was veg, we gently encouraged her to try some but she refused and we didn't push the matter any further. She whinged and complained the whole way through the meal, DP reminded her that she should be grateful as being taken out for a meal is a big treat to which she responded "mummy takes me out for dinner all of the time." We tried to ignore the bad behaviour for the most part and she seemed to be getting the message that this wasn't getting her any sort of attention like it usually does.

We were in the car park, I had just put the kids in their car seats and we were having a quick chat and goodbye with our friends before leaving. She sat in the back of the car and screamed and shouted, she wasn't saying anything in particular - it was just noise to get attention. She was then hitting the window with her hand whilst looking at our friends and telling the, to go away. DP stepped in and told her that her behaviour was unacceptable and that there would be repercussions when we got home. He then put his hand on DSDs knee to try and calm her down and she hit him. He warned her again before we set off home.

DP put his hand on my knee on the way back home and again she started screaming and asking for a cuddle, DP explained to her that he couldn't cuddle her because he was driving and that she could have plenty of cuddles when we got home. At this she started yanking my hair, grabbing hold of my seat and shaking it. I pulled my seat forward so that she couldn't reach but this seemed to make her more angry. Yet again she was warned that there would be repercussions once we got home (no cbeebies, DVD, naughty step, no toys out). She then started sayin "daddy is my boyfriend, I'm getting married to daddy, you're a nobody, I'm going to sit in the front with daddy next time." DP responded "im your daddy, not your boyfriend, now pack this rubbish in." Then we had incomprehensible screaming until we got home. She's currently in her room sulking. I'm actually reallyproud of DP, he's really taken on board what I said to him last night, he's been making an effort to involve DD and cuddling her and she's responding positively. He understands that DSD's behaviour will still be challenging but together we can help her through this, help ourselves through it. Im feeling as though there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Im not a quitter, myself and DP have a good relationship on the whole. I give a shit about DSD, I give a shit about our family unit. I don't want to chuck the towel in and say it's over at the first hurdle.

DSD's mum has DSD Sunday night until Friday night during term time. We suggested that we had DSD during term time and that she could have her on a weekend but she refused this arrangement. Before DSD was at school we had her a lot more frequently (4 nights per week) but we still paid maintenence of £30 per week which has since gone up to £60 per week due to DSD's DM having her more, we also do all of the running around picking up/dropping off etc so the fuel expenses are on us. Even though her mum has her most of the time now, it still seems as though she doesn't see a great deal of her, she goes to three after school activities per week and is often taken home to friemd's houses afterwards.

If it wasn't for the child tax credits and £240 per month maintenence that she gets for being resident parent, then im sorry to say I don't think she would be interested in having her at all.

Well done to your DH for stepping up.

Good news that your DP is handling things better. Let's hope you see the rewards if he persists.

Could you suggest that you collect DSD but her mum picks her up to even up those costs a bit? Also, then you could maybe approach that as a way to have her for more time, eg if her mum is reluctant to get her Sunday, you could say you'll keep her till Monday morning and take her to school? If she's responding to better boundaries that might be doable.

Can I ask, what were the repercussions when she got home? Did your DP follow through on this properly? I'm very pleased to see that he stood up for you better, although he still has some way to go - no way would I have continued driving while the DSD was pulling your hair and seat, that would have caused an absolute shitstorm in my car! MIght I suggest that you put your DSD behind your DP in future, then she can vent her frustrations on him instead of you!

Your DP has to stay strong and get stronger with her though - consistency is everything at this stage in the game.