Sick of the whole kit and kaboodle that goes with being a SP now, love my partner but I'm so miserable

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

DPs DD is 6, I've known her since she was two years old. DP and I also have a DD who turned 2 recently.
DP has always over indulged DSD, she knows that she can behave badly when he's here and get away with it. If she has a tantrum he will kiss her and cuddle her instead of ignoring which reenforces her bad behaviour and over time she has become a real brat.

We've had her for the majority of the summer holidays so far but on a normal week we will have her Friday night through to Sunday afternoon. DP is at work so I'm doing most of the childcare for DSD and DD. I get no help around the house, if DP is here DSD will just throw empty wrappers on the floor, refuse to put her toys away etc but if it's inly me here she will do as asked.
She won't let anybody near DP, if DD goes up for a cuddle from him DSD will hit and kick and lash out until DD gets the message and backs off. She will sit and hump her dads leg, passionately kiss him etc and it really does make me feel queasy. She's very jealous although she gets a lot more attention from DP than DD ever does. He makes more of an effort to be around a bit more when DSD is here. If she isn't here hen he's usually at work before DD wakes up and doesn't arrived home until DD is in bed.

She is absolutely awful to DD, hitting, shoving, kicking just being generally very nasty. The thing I find really sad is that at two years old DD has already learnt that if DSD is here then she doesn't get attention off her daddy, she doesn't get a cuddle, kiss, hug anything. I've told him he needs to treat them both the same because they're going to end up really resenting each other and hes said he doesn't want to upset DSD by cuddling DD I front of her which I find really sad.
I love him but I'm sick of being taken for granted, I'm sick of the nastiness, the hitting, the ungratefulness, the disrespect and having to put up with the whinging. I have very little tolerance for her anymore.

Do you think he would go on a parenting course? Sounds like he hasn't a clue....but if he was willing to learn/change then maybe there is a bit of hope...

I think you should also do less childcare of her if she's going to stay nasty to your dd he needs to Act as a parent to both his children...what would happen if you left both girls with him.....

Otherwise I'm with duck why would you want to be with someone like that?

This is a horrible environment for your daughter and a rubbish example of a relationship.

Does she exhibit any other sexual behaviour towards your h? How does he react when she kisses him and humps his leg? That really isn't normal and needs addressing.

He isn't going to do anything so you need to make some changes for the sake of these little girls.

Not the MWS stuff again FGS

The parents are the ONLY ones to blame here. NOT the LG.

Duck I feel as though I have explained my DP's lax parenting enough as a cause for DSDs behaviours. I'm sorry but the behaviour is "weird and disturbing" but at the same time points towards her parents failings.

God knows I do all I can, friends know, family know etc. I am describing her behaviours to show you how extensive this is and how much damage has been done.

I hate saying to DP "well she's well behaved with me but turns into a nightmare when you step through the door" but it's so true and it shows me that she DOES know how to behave and which limits to push. He tells me it's because she feels comfortable enough with him to misbehave which is the biggest load of tripe I thNk I've ever heard.

I had the step mother from hell. She has turned my whole family against me and demanded that my father doesn't contact me. That was all 10 years ago and I was a 14 year old child who stayed once a month at my lousy fathers house and even that was too much. My step dad was an absolute dick too so I've been at both ends of the spectrum.

Tell him that if he doesn't change his ways then he is at risk of losing you, no way should your dd have to put up with being treated like this every weekend.

Interesting post Perpendicular but other than telling the OP that she has to do something, you haven't actually said what you think she should do.
Given she isn't actually the child's parent, she is very limited.

As so often is the case, your DP is at the centre of the problem here. You're being taken for a ride. If he's lazy 'traditional' in the house then no wonder your DSD doesn't see why she has to pick up her mess. In your house, important people don't have to clean up. I'd stop doing the household tasks you do that benefit him right now, ie his washing, cooking for him. Likewise tell him you won't be able to do all the childcare for DSD - get work then yourself if needsbe and get your parents or a friend to take your DD. The point has to be made that he is massively taking you for granted.

for those who say that we shouldn't look first to the dp to see where the problem lies in terms of the sexual behaviour, the fact is, this child exhibits sexual behaviour towards her father and he doesn't challenge it. Take all the other behaviours out of the equation here, as a parent I would want to know why my partner was allowing a six year old child to behave towards him in a sexual way and had done nothing to make her see that it was wrong.

Surely any decent father separated from the mother of his child would start to seriously question where this kind of behaviour had come from? So the fact he hasn't, and hasn't challenged it is what should set massive alarm bells ringing. This child:

humps her father's leg and kisses him passionately.

gets into bed with him and demands that his partner get out because she shouldn't sleep with him.

comes off a bouncy castle because she has seen her father be affectionate towards someone else - his partner.

That behaviour is disturbed and tbh if the father isn't concerned about it then I wouldn't be letting him within a mile of my child.

As for who will look out for this child if the op moves out, well, as unfortunate as that would be, this child needs help on a professional level which the op cannot provide.

Personally I wouldn't be giving ultimatums to a man who allows sexualised behaviour from a six year old. I would be getting the hell out with my child and be having a serious chat with ss to say that
I had concerns that his and my child had been abused. and yes, if the older child has been abused by him then there's a chance that the younger one has as well, or soon will be. sorry.

Op. Ignore you hubby. Even he's present. You know your dsd is going to act up. So prepare for it.

My DD acts up even more to my hubby and he's her bio dad.

You need to take the bull by the horn. Next time this happens, immediately take your dsd and submit a(nonphysical) punishment.

I have my DD face the wall.
If my DD moves, I return her to the wall. Forcibly so if I have to. I disengage and don't get into any dialogue until she calms down. Then I explain what's she's done wrong (I crouch down to her level). Then I get her to repeat what I explained after me.

You need to nip it in the bud immediately.
No messing around and let her know you mean business. If your hubby is there and buts in - send him out of the room or you march your DD out for her punishment.

Your hubby is rubbish. Don't take no shit and both your DDS will respect you more for it.

Next time she does an episode at night. She march her off to her bedroom and make her stand by her bed. Get a book or something as you might be a while. She's not allowed to sleep or sit down until she has calmed down. Do it for 6 minutes. Add an extra minute is she misbehaves.
It really works for me but you need to be consistent.

If your dp is rubbish and discipline- just take it out of his hands completely and you dish it out . she needs to know in your house - you take no prisoners.

I'm failing to imagine what the humping thing is that's different from my kids perfectly innocent if someone annoying habit of climbing/jumping/bouncing on various parts of us. Passionately kissing ditto - could be quite innocent, unless you mean actual on the mouth kissing op?
First priority for me would be to get the dad to spend some actual time with his older dd. No wonder she's jealous if he's being out at work for almost all of the contact time.

Then he urgently needs to stamp on the jealousy thing. He's allowed to be affectionate to the rest of you too. She reminds me of a dog we used to have who'd try to get in the middle of any cuddles that took place. Not acçeptable from people or dogs.
If you really can't get your Dp to parent, and still want to be there, maybe see what you can do with words. Acknowledge your dsd's relationship with her dad every opportunity you get. Point out what she - and he - are doing when you don't like it. Talk her into her role as big sister, show her how important her place is in your family. Ultimately the way around the jealousy has got to be her forming a relationship with you so she can feel secure in her place and not resent yours.

I have my DD face the wall
If my DD moves, I return her to the wall Forcibly so if I have to. I disengage anddon't get into any dialogue until she calms down. Then I explain what's she's done wrong (I crouch down to her level). Then I get her to repeat what I explained after me*

That sounds hidious !

Yes I would like to know about the humping the leg and passionate kissing.

Is it opened mouthed\ on the lips or is a million kisses like dd does to her dad head. Also with the humping. Dd hangs of dp legs, he lifts it up and she rides on it she does all sorts to it but it's not humping although if you caught it at the wrong angle it could look like it.

If it is 100% what your saying op, seriously sexual you need to get this child help. If it was i think your post would have had a very different title heading. You said you felt queasy, was it queasy because she was displaying definite sexual behaviours to your dp or queasy that she was going overboard with her display of affection.

I think if I seen definite sexual behavour my post would start

' I'm really worried about my DSD, she is displaying sexual behaviours to dp. Serious ones . He isn't taking it seriously where do I go from here'

Not the post you started off with.

Yes, could you clarify 'passionate kissing op'?
Your dh with his 'traditional'/lazy outlook sounds like an arse. I would probably suggest you tell him it's not working for you and unless he makes certain changes, you'll have no choice but to leave.

Christ some of the parenting techniques on here are positively Victorian!
I suppose you will be shoving 6 yo up chimneys next

Personally I didn't have children so I could bully them of force them to stand in corners/sleep deprive them. I had children so I could nurture and love them. There are much more affective ways to change behaviour in young children and weelding power over them is not one of them.

Please OP ignore the advice to bully and intimidate this child. You sound like you are trying but the waters are murky and you need to focus your frustrations solely on her father as he is the one who isn't parenting her.

Just to add if I found out the SM had used any of those bullying tactics on my child that would be the last they saw of them. Under no circumstances would I allow another adult especially a non related one to be anywhere near my children if she thought it was ok to treat them that way.

Agree with stans whole post.

catkind when children exhibit a lot of this behaviour and nobody is challenging it then you may have cause for concern.

cookiedoughkid I hope you realise that you're an abusive parent and frankly I am astounded that you have so little insight that you would offer your abusive and authoritarian parenting techniques as appropriate in this, or indeed any, circumstances involving a 6 year old child as neglected as this one, in fact any young child.

If I found out you'd done that to my child as her step mother, I would make wish from the bottom of your heart that you hadn't. Unfortunately no one seems to give two hoots about this poor little girl so in this case you'd probably get away with it.

Crikey my Dad was a sergeant major in the army and he was pretty tough on us but he would never have done anything like you describe.

I have my DD face the wall
If my DD moves, I return her to the wall Forcibly so if I have to. I disengage anddon't get into any dialogue until she calms down. Then I explain what's she's done wrong (I crouch down to her level). Then I get her to repeat what I explained after me*

Please let that be a joke.

WHY would you do that?

how is facing the wall different to sitting on a step? I'm not hitting my child or doing any physical. I'm saying to my child in a non-verbal way that her behaviour is not tolerated. And if she hasn't anything positive to say - then she can talk to the wall. And it's not sleep deprivation for hours on end. It's for 6 minutes. It's getting the child to stand and calm down. Some children can tantrun for far far longer than 6 minutes. Call it Victorian if you will .

And yes - of course the dp should start parenting the child. But exactly how ? Rather than say ''parent the child'' - I think the op needs constructive & detailed advice on how to parent - and op I include a large degree of disciplining here. In an ideal world - her dp would start parenting but that's no going to happen overnight (if at al!!) and essentially - the op is a single parent in this regard. Else it's all talk and no action and the poor op goes round in circles. Op - Take my advice as you will or not. Just my 2p.