Sick of the whole kit and kaboodle that goes with being a SP now, love my partner but I'm so miserable

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

DPs DD is 6, I've known her since she was two years old. DP and I also have a DD who turned 2 recently.
DP has always over indulged DSD, she knows that she can behave badly when he's here and get away with it. If she has a tantrum he will kiss her and cuddle her instead of ignoring which reenforces her bad behaviour and over time she has become a real brat.

We've had her for the majority of the summer holidays so far but on a normal week we will have her Friday night through to Sunday afternoon. DP is at work so I'm doing most of the childcare for DSD and DD. I get no help around the house, if DP is here DSD will just throw empty wrappers on the floor, refuse to put her toys away etc but if it's inly me here she will do as asked.
She won't let anybody near DP, if DD goes up for a cuddle from him DSD will hit and kick and lash out until DD gets the message and backs off. She will sit and hump her dads leg, passionately kiss him etc and it really does make me feel queasy. She's very jealous although she gets a lot more attention from DP than DD ever does. He makes more of an effort to be around a bit more when DSD is here. If she isn't here hen he's usually at work before DD wakes up and doesn't arrived home until DD is in bed.

She is absolutely awful to DD, hitting, shoving, kicking just being generally very nasty. The thing I find really sad is that at two years old DD has already learnt that if DSD is here then she doesn't get attention off her daddy, she doesn't get a cuddle, kiss, hug anything. I've told him he needs to treat them both the same because they're going to end up really resenting each other and hes said he doesn't want to upset DSD by cuddling DD I front of her which I find really sad.
I love him but I'm sick of being taken for granted, I'm sick of the nastiness, the hitting, the ungratefulness, the disrespect and having to put up with the whinging. I have very little tolerance for her anymore.

Er, I actually meant to say Thumbwitch sorry about that! I mixed them up

Very good, constructive post Wannabe. Very eloquently put. I see there are a number of ideas and methods put to op to help and I don't think it will take a rounded effort to get this situation under control. I don't think she should leave her dp necessarily - no man is perfect when it comes to setting boundaries but she does need to train him and her DSP on what is and isn't acceptable. I say train as her dp is probably clueless on how to implement boundaries.

The facts are very plain, the child behaves reasonably when she's with you OP, because you set boundaries of behaviour,which you stick too! Hence, the child knows a) exactly how things will be and what's expected of her, and b) that you can be relied on to actually mean what you say....as opposed to her father, who it appears, never says what he means, or means what he says! Why would anyone, let alone a 6 year old put her trust in his reliability, or dependability? Of course she will take advantage of him and her behaviour will deteriate, he's an important person in her life, she's testing him to see how much 'naughtiness' it will take for him to properly parent her and restore much needed order to her life!! Sadly, you can't do this for him, and you can't know/alter what happens in her DM's home, but you can try to explain the problem as you see it, and describe to him sympathetically, how damaging it is to both his daughters...if that fails and the situation remains unresolved, I think if I were you, I'd be reconsidering my future!

"No man is perfect when it comes to setting boundaries"

Really? Do you know each and every one of them then? What a silly thing to say.

I think my EXDH would argue that point cookie. He is a good parent and set the right boundaries without my help or direction.

We've had the day from hell today. DSD pushed DD off DP's knee this morning, she fell on the radiator and circled her head. We've been down to A&E and she is badly bruised but ok.

After going to A&E I dropped DD off at my mums and went to work, had a shitty day there too, I tried to get the day off so that I could stay at home with DD but woe be tide anyone who asks for a day off at such short notice.

We've tried to ignore the fact that DSD has done this. She was out on the naughty step and we explained that her actions led to her sister being badly hurt but we've left it at that, we haven't banged in about it all day.

DD is shaken up, she won't go anywhere near DSD. She's had 3 accidents today which is so unlike her (she's been potty trained for a couple of months now). I've had a word with DP and I've told him that we need to tackle his jealousy head on as it's not healthy for DSD to be feeling this way.

This afternoon we've had several tantrums because DP called me love or darling, DSD got upset and told DP in no uncertain terms that the only person he calls darling or love is her. She saw him give me a kiss and again we had a major melt down but it was forced crying, attention seeking. She's had all day withDP whilst I've been at work and DD has been at my DMs.
Another thing I've with DP is that DSD will wear his patience thinner and thinner and then DD puts one foot out of line and she cops for it. I've bought this up with him. She's 2 and doesn't know any better and has been good for the most part of the day. DD is 5, she DOES know better than to hit, shove and kick so why let DSD get away with so much and then punish DD in front of her for the tiniest thing.

It's unpleasant, the way DP has fannied around DSD today has opened my eyes yet again. She needs reassurance but he needs to be blunt with it. She throws a tantrum and hits out and is getting hugs and kisses for this behaviour and its a vicious circle which is getting worse. I'm on my own with the, now and they're behaving, there's no whinging, no hitting, no screaming, no meltdowns and for the first time today DD isn't cowering behind me and they're playing nicely! It really does speak volumes. I think he's becoming to realise but I'm going to have a good talk to him tonight.

Cracked her head rather bloody typos

Would it in any way be worth you videoing them, on a nannycam type thing, when he's not there? So he can see the difference in behaviour?

I'm so sorry your DD got hurt today - what was your DSD's reaction when she saw your DD hurt, was she upset or not? Hope your DD is ok, that's really unacceptable behaviour. AS is the whole "Daddy can only call ME love/darling etc. :(

is there any point remaining with a man who refuses to parent his child? especially when said child is violent towards your other child? why are you ignoring it? are you scared your relationship will be over if you insist on him parenting dsd?

seems like he doesn't care about the effects of this abnormal behavior on your dc nor does he care that you are all alone dealing with this. so what are you going to do - wait until your dc is seriously injured or left hospitalized due to dsd violence?

DSD was shocked and upset, I don't think she intended to hurt DD, just push her out of the way.

I'm shaken up too, I had anxiety attacks after a particular incident when DD was a baby and DSD had her hands around her neck and she was going purple. I had such a struggle to get DSD's hands from around DD's neck and had horrendous panic attacks when I knew that I was going to be left alone with them both. I feel like this again and it's very unpleasant.

I'm going to have words with DP, this isn't right and I don't even think it's normal. She's possessive and jealous and it's sad that she's feeling this way but it needs to stop. It hurts when she says "daddy can only call ME love/darling, you're a nobody," and "I want my sister and her mummy to move to a different house and daddy and me can live together without them" it sucks

As I said previously, I don't see how you can remain in this relationship. If your child is actually being threatened and injured because of her fathers refusal to parent and set boundaries for his oldest child then she has to be protected.

I'm sorry that happened to your dd. You must feel horrendous

Poor DD. Does your DP correct DSD when she says these things about love/darling or tantrums? Or does he just let it go? I know usually you should put up a united front but I would start stepping in now when he tells off DD and saying 'hey, DSD did that earlier and you said nothing'.

Well I'm glad that your DSD at least had a normal reaction to her half sister being hurt like that; but the rest of it really doesn't bode well.

In all honesty, I share Nicki's opinion - I don't see how you can stay in this relationship unless your DP sorts himself out very fucking fast - your DD is at risk from your DSD's unbridled jealousy and bad behaviour. In fact, I would take your DD and go and stay somewhere else for a bit; which, while giving your DSD exactly what she wants :( might make your DP think a bit harder about what he's about to cause.

Either that or send him and your DSD off elsewhere.

I couldn't cope with having my DD in that level of danger, I'm amazed you stuck it out so long after your DSD apparently tried to strangle her (although I do know that some full siblings do this to each other as well!)

Your DP is an utter twat not to see that this behaviour needs to be dealt with, by the way.

I did some shocking things to my younger sibling . Difference is it was absolute zero tolerance and I learned that very quickly. There's always going to be sibling rivalry but if no one is coming down on it consistently it's can become dangerous as evidenced by what is happening here.

Your poor DD.
And your poor DSD - her father is teaching her that bad behaviour gets her lots of attention, so she does anything she can think of to keep that attention on her.
Whereas with you she knows the boundaries and feels safe and secure.
Like others, I'm amazed you've managed so well for so long, with this prize chump doing his level best to fuck up both his kids. It won't be long before your DD realises she is a very poor second best to her sister.
I think the suggestion of going somewhere with DD for a week or so is a good one. Let his realise how much you do with DSD and let him try to arrange for her care. And it would be interesting to see how much of an effort he makes to spend time with DD.
Huge sympathies. You sound like a very positive force in DSDs life, but unless your DH is going to parent constructively then you're probably on a hiding to nothing.

How do you carry out zero tolerance?? We made it very clear today that harming her sister isn't to be tolerated and made her aware that her little sister could have been very, very poorly because of what she did. We don't want to intimidate her. We don't want to cause her any more damage.

DP ignored DSD's love/darling tantrums at first but eventually said to her "I call you all love/darling in this house and I love you all very much" that didn't bode well with her either She wants to be the only me that matters to him and can't accept that there are other people who matter to him.

As I said before, my mum and dad split up when I was younger and I never felt any possessiveness/jealousy towards my SM (although she obviously felt it towards me) so I really don't understand what she's going through/feeling, all I know is that it must be bloody awful for her. Then again, despite living with my dad for the first 13/14 years of my life, I was never particularly close to him, certainly no daddy's girl so in a way I don't understand that dynamic. I have a full brother (4 years younger thank me) we've always gotten along very well and still do, I can never remember feeling jealous of him (only proud). I also have a half brother whom I'm not allowed to see, he'll be 5 now.

OP, I grew up in a house where my step father treated me very differently to the rest of my siblings.

I wont go into specifics but it centred around me being severely punished for everything I did wrong and my siblings couldn't possibly do anything wrong (they did, on a grander scale).

It didn't bode well for me and my anxiety, my relationship with my siblings or mother.

I can see this damaging those two girls long term if it is not addressed and for me, like you, It was down to a parent being heavy handed with one and not the other.

I can see your daughter growing up with so much anxiety and rejection. Poor understanding of how men ought to behave. She'll have damaged Ideas about relationships and your step daughter... It won't be any better for her at all

You partner is the problem. He need a boot up his arse or something!

I second filming her behaviour both good and bad and make your partner watching it. Being an observer of behaviour makes you think differently, gives you a different perspective. It will help him see the inappropriateness of it all. Especially the kissing/humping and the things she says. When she is with him he is blinkered.

My Own boy had gotten clingy and quite possessive when it comes to my OH and was for a while. Getting into bed with us, ignoring boundaries and rules, stopping us from kissing, hugging or even sitting together on the sofa. but between me and OH we have managed to address it. Its fixable!

How do you carry out zero tolerance??

Maybe the zero tolerance should be for your DH...

Your post makes very interesting reading for me betty and I'm sorry that you had such a shitty childhood.

I agree theses problems are fixable but only, like you say, if both parents are singing from the same song sheet. I don't quite know what DSD's DM is saying to her either, perhaps that is unfair of me to allege that she could have something to do with it but it wouldn't be the first time she's pulled that little stunt and DSD, although she's always been prone to possesiveness/jealousy, has gotten much worse over the last couple of weeks. It's extreme now.

Nothing has changed, she's had no major transition recently so I just don't understand what's going on. I'm so wary of how to tackle her behaviour. DP says its "just kids" but I think it's more than that. DD isn't jealous of DSD cuddling or kissing her dad, nor is she jealous of myself kissing DP. DSD used to throw a wobbler at DDs age if DP so much as put his arm around me, she seemed to calm down a bit between the ages of 3-5 but her jealous behaviour has peaked again. What I'm trying to say is that the severity/intensity (trying to find the right word here) varies but it is all ways there.

OP, could it be to do with her mother and a new partner? I mean. If she is seeing people get attention in that way that she could be replicating it.

Maybe she is being ignored at home. That will of course make her jealousy/possessiveness even worse because she's getting the much needed attention.

Children tend to mimic behaviours so if its not in your house where is she seeing it...?

But it could also be, most likely is, intense insecurity on her part.

Her home life will have a big clues. Mother having had different partners or a partner moving in and out of the home.

Her mother could also be saying things to her but of course you cannot assume and throw accusations.

When it comes to managing her behaviour its worth keeping in the back of your mind these possibilities to help you not lose your temper with her (easier said than done. I have a DS with super challenging behaviour, its hard)

I wonder if any other PP have any links to good parenting or managing techniques they could share with you to show your partner? He also needs to have a serious talk with his Ex about that behaviour. If it is happening at home with her mother and her partner too then you can all work on it. If at all possible, I know how Exes can be with regards to their children so I'm not holding my breath.

I just did it but have a very receptive OH (who is also a step parent) who lets me take the lead and he goes from there. He does reprimand DS too esp when he is being rude to me so its not impossible for your partner to do the same.

He needs to open his eyes to what's happening and the attack on your daughter should be a big big wake up call for him. Even if the girl is remorseful it can still and most likely will escalate if the behaviour isn't dealt with.

Forgot to add. You mentioned you are having her more now its the summer holidays? maybe its the fact its the summer holidays is the problem. That's a big transition for some kids. The change in routine. It would be worth you noting when it escalates and when it eases off.

If it is getting worse because of transitions around holidays or even between your homes you and your partner need to put in a stricter routine with her. Maybe her not staying with you for weeks in the holidays isn't a good thing for her because of the change. For some kids the smaller but regular contact is the most beneficial rather than big chunks in the holidays simply because they know where they are and what is expected of them.

I'm not holding my breath either betty she's tried to make our lives as difficult as possible in the past, particularly after DD was born, DP struggled to bind with her and I'm almost certain it was because of the mind games his ex was playing, she was an absolute cunt if I'm honest.

We don't know when DSDs mum would like her back, she's never rang or texted the whole time she's been here to ask how she is. She's just not interested in having her over the holidays, never has been.

She has a pretty strict daily routine when she's here, meal times are 7:30am 12:00pm and 5pm, bath time is at 6:45 teeth brushed etc and bed for 7:15-7:30pm and they generally wake up at 7:00-7:30.
There's no TV in her bedroom, she has one at her mums house and keeps it on all night (although she falls asleep at a certain point and it has an automatic shut off if it hasn't been used for a certain amount of time) this explains to me why she's always so tired when she comes here after being at her mums.

DP tackled his ex about the whole TV/tiredness issue and she said that she puts a DVD on when she wakes up early on a morning so that she can go back to bed whilst DSD is occupied. We had this issue too. I bought a big standard clock, put a big sticker on where the big hand should be and a small sticker on where the small hand should be when she can get up at 7. I also put colouring pencils by the side of her bed with colouring books etc to keep her occupied until she can get up and get dressed. It works an absolute treat, plus it's teaching her how to tell the time. The TV issue also ties in with the inappropriate behaviour.

tbh op you need to have a serious discussion with your dp along the lines of that you can no longer stay in this relationship due to the threat to your dd. And that because your dsd is so violent you would have to look to go down the route of supervised access only for your dp since you can't trust him to keep your dd safe from dsd.

personally I think that this child needs psychological help. I would be saying very strongly to your dp that while he can control dd's violence at the moment it won't be long before she is older, and stronger, and her violent outbursts will have serious repercussions. He needs to take her to the gp and possibly get a referral to CAMHS to try to get to the bottom of this, because although many children do display insecurities this level of jealousy is not normal.